my baby Levi passed 2 years ago. i still grieve everyday.

harlieluv

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hi, my name is harlie, and my sweet boy Levi passed away unexpectedly two years ago.

this is my first post on this site ever and from what i’ve seen so far in this thread, there are thousands of beautiful souls with arms wide open, so i thought i would share. i had my sweet boy since i was 9 years old, and he passed away when i was 16. it was so sudden and unexpected, i wasn’t even at home or in the same state when he passed away.

in august of 2022 i had visited family in florida for 2 weeks, and the day before my flight i got the call from my mom. originally, i had thought it was my dog mollie, who is a 14 year old jackabee (who my family and i knows does not have much time left with us,) but nothing could have prepared me for the news i was about to receive.

to be completely honest, when i first heard that my baby had passed, it felt like my world stopped and shattered. he was my everything, he genuinely saved my life. i wasn’t even in the comfort of my own home to grieve. it was horrific.

i spent the entire day crying, and trying to laugh to stifle it until i got home. but there’s nothing that will compare to how absolutely empty i felt those two days. i dreaded the plane ride home, and i dreaded stepping foot into my house knowing he wouldn’t be there to greet him. the realization that that morning before i left for the airport was the last time i would ever see him again still hadn’t set in. truthfully, i was numb.

but later that night it seemed to hit me a bit more. i caught myself waiting for his paws at my door, the jingling of his collar, things like that. but when they never came, it was just adding onto the cracks waiting to crumble in the crushing realization that i would never see him again.

i was a mess the next few days. every day i cried, life felt so hard. but the final nail in the coffin was the day his ashes were brought home. it was an insanely bittersweet feeling. more bitter than sweet. my baby was back home, but he was dead. he was ashes in a box with his name on it, but he was home. the grief hit me like a train. the fact that i would never feel his fur, hold him in my arms, hear him meow, it crushed me. i have never cried harder in my life.

but unfortunately for me, school was starting back up in a matter of weeks, so my family decided to go back to the same shelter where we adopted Levi and look for another furry friend there. coincidentally enough, Levi’s sister was there at the shelter. it was a surreal feeling, because it felt like he was still here, even if it was his sister. she was just as beautiful as he was, but my mom and i knew it would have been unfair to her if we adopted her. we would’ve tried to see him through her, and that wouldn’t be right tor her.

we found my new baby there, a calico who’s name was melissa (which, coincidentally enough, is the name of my parents’ friend of 25+ years) and we played with her for a while. something in my heart told me she was the one, and sure enough we adopted her. the shelter took $50 off the adoption cost because they recognized us from adopting Levi, and i changed her name to Quinn. the first few weeks were rough, i couldn’t help but see him through her. i couldn’t help but feel angry at the world that i had to “replace” him with her.

but eventually i got to an okay place, i started this routine where when i feel especially down or am grieving especially hard, i go downstairs and sit on the couch with his box of ashes and i hold him. i talk to him and tell him how much i still love him, even if he isn’t here with me anymore. this is sort of embarrassing to admit, but sometimes i pet the outside of the box where his name is to give him all the pets in the world. it brings me some sort of comfort to know i can still hold him.

fast forward to now, and quinn is my pride and joy. i truly believe he sent her to me to heal me, to let me know i can move on and love another friend the way i loved him. with her, my bond with her is almost maternal. my family jokes around that she’s my daughter, but it’s not entirely untrue. she’s attached to me at the hip (except for when i’m not home) and the bond we have is unlike anyone else in my family. i’m forever thankful he sent her to me.

but i still grieve my baby every day. it feels like this pain will never go away, and there will always be a hole in my heart that will never heal. i still cry almost weekly about his death, and i suppose it’s because i partially blame myself.

he head pressed for months. none of us noticed he did it, none of us knew it meant something was wrong. he never pressed his head against walls or blankets, it would be on one of us. we thought he was just being affectionate. mentally, i beat myself up for never noticing it meant something was wrong. i feel like i failed him. does this pain ever go away? i miss my baby so much. i loved him more than life. i hope he knows that if i knew, i would have tried my best to help him. i feel so devastated still, two years later.

thank you for anyone who takes the time to read this. you all are such beautiful people. i wish you all well. <3 43349338-A6CE-49BA-9680-0A39C9B94085.jpeg 0458D143-99DA-4B6B-957F-8DC5D3DDED66.jpeg 40E37D8C-4976-4F62-AA71-76836D2CDD65.jpeg
58A74608-EC09-4475-967A-3F462D933342.jpeg
 
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marshmallow2013

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. He is just beautiful. My cat passed away on Halloween 2022 and I miss him every single day too. A cat’s love is so pure and unconditional. It hurts so much when they are gone. Please don’t blame yourself. Cats are so good at hiding their symptoms and pain.

You are a very kind person. Levi was very lucky to have your love. His spirit will always be by your side. :angel: :hugs:
 

BigCoffinHunter

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I still mourn my dad (2017), my dog Alex (13 months ago), my grandfather (1985), more. Grief changes, but doesn’t leave you. It becomes easier to bear. You are honoring your boy and missing his presence and that’s normal. Many hugs out to you. If you feel it is unbearable, support groups or even treatment for depression can really help.
 
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harlieluv

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I’m so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy. He is just beautiful. My cat passed away on Halloween 2022 and I miss him every single day too. A cat’s love is so pure and unconditional. It hurts so much when they are gone. Please don’t blame yourself. Cats are so good at hiding their symptoms and pain.

You are a very kind person. Levi was very lucky to have your love. His spirit will always be by your side. :angel: :hugs:
thank you so much that’s so sweet of you to say <3 i’m sorry for your loss too, it’s such a cruel thing to go through. a cat’s love truly is like no other.
 
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harlieluv

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I still mourn my dad (2017), my dog Alex (13 months ago), my grandfather (1985), more. Grief changes, but doesn’t leave you. It becomes easier to bear. You are honoring your boy and missing his presence and that’s normal. Many hugs out to you. If you feel it is unbearable, support groups or even treatment for depression can really help.
thank you. in the beginning it felt insurmountable. it’s a bit easier now, but the pain definitely is still there. grief is so unfair. i wish you the best in your healing process. <3
 

di and bob

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What you are going through is all completely normal. When you lose someone you love, grief sets in as guilt, regret, and devastating pain. As said above, the pain never leaves you, but it does get easier in the way that you learn ways to contain it, and ways to cope. For some this can take years. You are learning a whole new life's order.
Sooner or later your soul cries out to be soothed. The crushing weight of grief cannot be borne forever, the hole in your soul yearns to be healed. Adding a new love to your life does help. No, she will never 'replace' your love for Levi, that love is firmly entrenched in your soul, it is spiritual, so eternal. This new love will be added next to his, helping it to grow even stronger. Whatever path he is now following will forever parallel your own. He will always be near.
Each love is as unique as a snowflake, her love will help you heal as you concentrate on a routine for her and go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted Levi to go on if you were the first to go. Not in eternal sadness and grief, but in gratitude to that boy for showing you what happiness such a love can bring. His death is but a fleeting moment in his life, he gave you so many years of love and happiness. Concentrate on that.
I went through resentment towards my remaining cats, just because they were alive and my Chrissy was not. Then you add more guilt to what you already have because they didn't deserve that. But they actually saved me over the years, they forced me to get back into the world of the living.
He was meant to be in your life. Accept that and realize even though we live longer, his life gave you so much and will continue to give as the years go by and we realize it is the life and love we should celebrate, not the horrible deeath that we let take over our lives and rule our world.
My heart goes out to you. I know and understand what you are going through because i stood there too. I have survived and you can too. Time is the only thing that truly heals a broken heart.......RIP precious Levi. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

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hi, my name is harlie, and my sweet boy Levi passed away unexpectedly two years ago.

this is my first post on this site ever and from what i’ve seen so far in this thread, there are thousands of beautiful souls with arms wide open, so i thought i would share. i had my sweet boy since i was 9 years old, and he passed away when i was 16. it was so sudden and unexpected, i wasn’t even at home or in the same state when he passed away.

in august of 2022 i had visited family in florida for 2 weeks, and the day before my flight i got the call from my mom. originally, i had thought it was my dog mollie, who is a 14 year old jackabee (who my family and i knows does not have much time left with us,) but nothing could have prepared me for the news i was about to receive.

to be completely honest, when i first heard that my baby had passed, it felt like my world stopped and shattered. he was my everything, he genuinely saved my life. i wasn’t even in the comfort of my own home to grieve. it was horrific.

i spent the entire day crying, and trying to laugh to stifle it until i got home. but there’s nothing that will compare to how absolutely empty i felt those two days. i dreaded the plane ride home, and i dreaded stepping foot into my house knowing he wouldn’t be there to greet him. the realization that that morning before i left for the airport was the last time i would ever see him again still hadn’t set in. truthfully, i was numb.

but later that night it seemed to hit me a bit more. i caught myself waiting for his paws at my door, the jingling of his collar, things like that. but when they never came, it was just adding onto the cracks waiting to crumble in the crushing realization that i would never see him again.

i was a mess the next few days. every day i cried, life felt so hard. but the final nail in the coffin was the day his ashes were brought home. it was an insanely bittersweet feeling. more bitter than sweet. my baby was back home, but he was dead. he was ashes in a box with his name on it, but he was home. the grief hit me like a train. the fact that i would never feel his fur, hold him in my arms, hear him meow, it crushed me. i have never cried harder in my life.

but unfortunately for me, school was starting back up in a matter of weeks, so my family decided to go back to the same shelter where we adopted Levi and look for another furry friend there. coincidentally enough, Levi’s sister was there at the shelter. it was a surreal feeling, because it felt like he was still here, even if it was his sister. she was just as beautiful as he was, but my mom and i knew it would have been unfair to her if we adopted her. we would’ve tried to see him through her, and that wouldn’t be right tor her.

we found my new baby there, a calico who’s name was melissa (which, coincidentally enough, is the name of my parents’ friend of 25+ years) and we played with her for a while. something in my heart told me she was the one, and sure enough we adopted her. the shelter took $50 off the adoption cost because they recognized us from adopting Levi, and i changed her name to Quinn. the first few weeks were rough, i couldn’t help but see him through her. i couldn’t help but feel angry at the world that i had to “replace” him with her.

but eventually i got to an okay place, i started this routine where when i feel especially down or am grieving especially hard, i go downstairs and sit on the couch with his box of ashes and i hold him. i talk to him and tell him how much i still love him, even if he isn’t here with me anymore. this is sort of embarrassing to admit, but sometimes i pet the outside of the box where his name is to give him all the pets in the world. it brings me some sort of comfort to know i can still hold him.

fast forward to now, and quinn is my pride and joy. i truly believe he sent her to me to heal me, to let me know i can move on and love another friend the way i loved him. with her, my bond with her is almost maternal. my family jokes around that she’s my daughter, but it’s not entirely untrue. she’s attached to me at the hip (except for when i’m not home) and the bond we have is unlike anyone else in my family. i’m forever thankful he sent her to me.

but i still grieve my baby every day. it feels like this pain will never go away, and there will always be a hole in my heart that will never heal. i still cry almost weekly about his death, and i suppose it’s because i partially blame myself.

he head pressed for months. none of us noticed he did it, none of us knew it meant something was wrong. he never pressed his head against walls or blankets, it would be on one of us. we thought he was just being affectionate. mentally, i beat myself up for never noticing it meant something was wrong. i feel like i failed him. does this pain ever go away? i miss my baby so much. i loved him more than life. i hope he knows that if i knew, i would have tried my best to help him. i feel so devastated still, two years later.

thank you for anyone who takes the time to read this. you all are such beautiful people. i wish you all well. <3 View attachment 476701View attachment 476702View attachment 476703View attachment 476704
Welcome to TCS dear one- you are in the right place -I read every single word through blurry tearful eyes- I'm so sorry for your loss- rip sweet Levi

Not sure if you'll feel better or worse bit it's nearly 8yrs and I'm still crushed by the loss of my boy Cheech,only a couple of weeks ago did I buy a memorial frame to put his photo in because I'd be hysterically crying every time I'd look at his pictures-his ashes and footprints stay out of sight as I cannot bear to see them- it's a rare day I look

So you're not crazy,weird or abnormally grieving and you need not be embarrassed- WE understand more than anyone ,you are with like minded people passionate for our furbabies just as any family member or best friend we love do deeply

I want to show you my Max- I think he looks like Levi,alot
IMG_20230404_115147966.jpg

IMG_20221026_153616393.jpg

I have 5 and I hate to admit it but no one has ever compared to my Cheech except my most recent boy" Timmy",(8yr old)who reminds me so much of him thst he took my heart captive and now I'm extremely concerned for his health

Life can be most difficult and the worst part is we usually outlive our babies-I understand your pain,you have my most sincere deep Sympathy❤
 
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harlieluv

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What you are going through is all completely normal. When you lose someone you love, grief sets in as guilt, regret, and devastating pain. As said above, the pain never leaves you, but it does get easier in the way that you learn ways to contain it, and ways to cope. For some this can take years. You are learning a whole new life's order.
Sooner or later your soul cries out to be soothed. The crushing weight of grief cannot be borne forever, the hole in your soul yearns to be healed. Adding a new love to your life does help. No, she will never 'replace' your love for Levi, that love is firmly entrenched in your soul, it is spiritual, so eternal. This new love will be added next to his, helping it to grow even stronger. Whatever path he is now following will forever parallel your own. He will always be near.
Each love is as unique as a snowflake, her love will help you heal as you concentrate on a routine for her and go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted Levi to go on if you were the first to go. Not in eternal sadness and grief, but in gratitude to that boy for showing you what happiness such a love can bring. His death is but a fleeting moment in his life, he gave you so many years of love and happiness. Concentrate on that.
I went through resentment towards my remaining cats, just because they were alive and my Chrissy was not. Then you add more guilt to what you already have because they didn't deserve that. But they actually saved me over the years, they forced me to get back into the world of the living.
He was meant to be in your life. Accept that and realize even though we live longer, his life gave you so much and will continue to give as the years go by and we realize it is the life and love we should celebrate, not the horrible deeath that we let take over our lives and rule our world.
My heart goes out to you. I know and understand what you are going through because i stood there too. I have survived and you can too. Time is the only thing that truly heals a broken heart.......RIP precious Levi. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
thank you so much for your kind words and empathy. i feel so relieved to be able to let out grief that i’ve held in for the past 2 years, having to seemingly get over this especially fast with my new kitty. this space has reminded me it’s okay to grieve, no matter how long ago a loss was. thank you so much again. i wish you the best <3
 
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harlieluv

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Welcome to TCS dear one- you are in the right place -I read every single word through blurry tearful eyes- I'm so sorry for your loss- rip sweet Levi

Not sure if you'll feel better or worse bit it's nearly 8yrs and I'm still crushed by the loss of my boy Cheech,only a couple of weeks ago did I buy a memorial frame to put his photo in because I'd be hysterically crying every time I'd look at his pictures-his ashes and footprints stay out of sight as I cannot bear to see them- it's a rare day I look

So you're not crazy,weird or abnormally grieving and you need not be embarrassed- WE understand more than anyone ,you are with like minded people passionate for our furbabies just as any family member or best friend we love do deeply

I want to show you my Max- I think he looks like Levi,alotView attachment 476719
View attachment 476720
I have 5 and I hate to admit it but no one has ever compared to my Cheech except my most recent boy" Timmy",(8yr old)who reminds me so much of him thst he took my heart captive and now I'm extremely concerned for his health

Life can be most difficult and the worst part is we usually outlive our babies-I understand your pain,you have my most sincere deep Sympathy❤
thank you so much for your kindness. max is a beautiful boy, and you’re right, he does look like my levi! i’m so sorry for your loss of cheech. i can tell you loved him well. pet grief is surely a rollercoaster. i’m sure cheech was there to welcome my boy to heaven. i wish you the best on your healing journey. <3
 

Kwik

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thank you so much for your kindness. max is a beautiful boy, and you’re right, he does look like my levi! i’m so sorry for your loss of cheech. i can tell you loved him well. pet grief is surely a rollercoaster. i’m sure cheech was there to welcome my boy to heaven. i wish you the best on your healing journey. <3
And thank you,here we grieve together,cry together and also laugh together ,we share our Joy's as well - all the ups n downs TOGETHER'- I Believe we help each other to Heal hand in hand

Again,welcome to this Community and I look forward to hearing all about your sweet Quinn❤❤❤
 

Kris107

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All too often we focus on the ending... But our babies wouldn't want that. They also wouldn't want us to be burdened with guilt. They knew how much we loved them and whatever we may or may not have noticed about them - might not have changed a thing. But I know those thoughts still creep in. The "what ifs"... I really tried hard to put those thoughts on a shelf and instead think of the great things that cat brought to my life, our bond, good memories... For all of us, our time is our time and that shouldn't detract from our life and legacy. Glad you came here and shared. Grief is something we carry but it helps to know we aren't alone in carrying it.
 

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I just read your post through teary eyes. I'm sorry the pain is still so difficult, even after 2 years. But I'm glad you've found TCS where you could write about your feelings, and also tell us about your sweet boy, Levi. He was a gorgeous cat. :redheartpump:
 
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harlieluv

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I just read your post through teary eyes. I'm sorry the pain is still so difficult, even after 2 years. But I'm glad you've found TCS where you could write about your feelings, and also tell us about your sweet boy, Levi. He was a gorgeous cat. :redheartpump:
thank you so much. he really was🫶
 
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harlieluv

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Harlie I'm so sorry for your loss of Levi so please accept my condolences 2 years after your loss. He was a big part of your life growing up so may he always be remembered with love in your heart.
thank you for your kind words. he’s in a better place now, that at least i am happy for. <3
 
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harlieluv

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That is sometimes the hardest part of losing these babies, the anger and the with ifs.These beautiful kids know how much we love them and know we did everything we could for them. I am sorry for your loss of your precious Levi.
thank you. <3 it’s unimaginably painful, but i know i will continue on remembering him fondly.
 
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harlieluv

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All too often we focus on the ending... But our babies wouldn't want that. They also wouldn't want us to be burdened with guilt. They knew how much we loved them and whatever we may or may not have noticed about them - might not have changed a thing. But I know those thoughts still creep in. The "what ifs"... I really tried hard to put those thoughts on a shelf and instead think of the great things that cat brought to my life, our bond, good memories... For all of us, our time is our time and that shouldn't detract from our life and legacy. Glad you came here and shared. Grief is something we carry but it helps to know we aren't alone in carrying it.
yes, you’re right. i try to remember the good things, and pictures/videos of him in my camera roll help keep his spirit alive. i appreciate your kind words. <3
 

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Rest you gentle, Levi, dream you deeps. Your purr echoes in someone's heart forever.

Oh, my Dear, I am so sorry for your loss. And, of course, you still feel it. We do, and forever. The raw, tearing grief gets better, it scabs over, forms a scar, but...that scar always aches whenever the wind is from the north. It does not leave us, just becomes easier to bear. I still grieve for the cat and dog I grew up with, 50 years after they passed. Not every minute of every day, sometimes not even every week, but I do. Out of nowhere, the tears come. And that's ok. It means I loved (and was loved) so deeply that the very fabric of my being was changed by that love. And I am blessed. Most recently, I lost my precious companion of 16 years, and that was in February. I still tear up when I stroke her urn every night as I head off to bed (NO, you are not the only one who does that, not by a long shot). But past this grief, this is the Deepest Truth that I know...love never dies. It is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. Now, from his home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Levi blesses you for your love, which wrapped around him like a blanket for all of his life, and he sends his Love back to you, to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.
 

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Echoing what everyone else said, I am so sorry for the loss of Levi, and what you feel is very normal. I lost one of my cats, who was the biggest sweetheart in the world, last November. I think I cried every single day for months, and I still do all the time. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of my partner's cat (both he and the one I lost are black cats) and think of my baby and break down. There was a lot of stress and grief attached to the months leading up to his death when he was sick, and I can't imagine the different kind of grief you felt when your baby's death was so sudden. I like to believe they knew that we loved them so much. I feel very lucky to have the time that I did with my boy. I hope you and Quinn have a long and healthy life together that you can truly cherish.
 
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