My baby Bella died suddenly on Wednesday, Aug. 28th.

[mservant]

Dear jlc20m, 7 weeks is a very short space in time, and when you have loved, given, and recieved so much from another living creature it takes time to heal.   You have lost a lot in recent years, and it is far too easy to be hard on ourselves when we feel in need of support, or for others to judge and question why we feel this need when they have not shared similar experiences.  We all need support and love, and I truly hope you feel this as you continue to work through your grief while caring for the others still in your life

I believe that when your heart is ready another creature will find you, and when that happens you will not in any way cast Bella aside: your heart will be open and have room for this new relationship in what ever form it takes.  It will be a different relationship and will not take over the place in your heart and mind that you have for Bella.  Pain so often causes us to close our hearts to love and warmth out of fear of even greater loss.  One day something or someone will help you to overcome this fear.  Once you ovecome your fear you will be able to see that giving love to another kitten, or cat, other other living creature, would not be to cast Bella aside but would honour and keep alive everything she loved about you.  

   

 

 

[gareth]

When lost Eva I thought, genuinely, that I was done with cats. 

I've had cats all my life. I've loved cats all my life. None had touched my heart the way Eva did. In order to understand the depths of our bond, and the horror of my grief, you probably need to be a member of this forum. 

So I was done with cats. How could I ever love another cat. I felt that if I did love another cat I would be...

1. Minimising or somehow making less significant my grief for Eva, and sometimes my grief was so powerful it was all consuming.

2. Betraying Eva. My love belonged to her.

This is grief. It's normal. It's human. Don't deny your grief. Allow yourself to grieve. 

When the time comes you will feel ready to love another cat. I didn't wait. I got another cat, in fact two, before I was ready. But the little furry buggers have a way of getting under your skin. And into your heart.

When the time does come, that's ok. Your Bella would want you to be happy. It's not a betrayal to love another cat. It doesn't in any way diminish the love you have and will always have for Bella. It doesn't somehow lesson the impact of Bella on your life. 

I know it's impossible for you to believe right now, but there will come a time when you understand that Bella would WANT you to get another companion. Because Bella loved you, and seeing you in misery and loneliness would be unacceptable to her. 

When I see the kittens playing now, or despair at their rather too successful attempts to dismantle my house, I laugh and picture Eva sitting next to me, shaking her head at them too. She would find them as funny and infuriating as I do. Loki and Mia are my cats. Eva is now my companion. Her soul travels with me everywhere. Just as Bella's soul never leaves you. She is part of you now, and always will be. 

By the way, I've started another thread, inspired by your loss of Bella. I'm going to gush a little here, but my Eva was beautiful. Hell, Loki my new little boy is show quality Burmese. When we bought him the price for buying him whole would have been ten times the price we paid for him and considerably more than my car. Mia is breathtaking. If I was to show her she would have judges falling to their knees and weeping with joy. But Bella. Wow. Bella is unquestionably the most beautiful cat I have ever seen. I know tastes are personal and we all prefer different things, but Bella just knocked me on my back. she was and forever will be incredibly beautiful. I wanted you to know that.

I am so terribly, terribly sorry for your loss, and so very, very proud that you were able to give Bella 13 months in a home where she was so clearly adored and treasured. Bless you

G

G

 

[xiaoshu]

Sorry I didn't get the chance to reply sooner, I had some problems with my computer.

I just wanted to say it's not crazy at all, feeling that our babies are still here or only a heartbeat away, despite what our rational mind tells us.

Even if they are no longer here in the body (and we'll never stop missing their physical presence), I think their souls are still connected to us.

I think that someday another kitten will come your way and you'll find him/her pulling at your heart strings. He or she will never replace Bella in your heart, but will find their own little place in your heart. I too, like Gareth, got a kitten before I was ready, just because I needed a reason to make it from one day to the next and, even if I now realize it wasn't fair for him, I'm trying to be a good Mummy.

Hugs, take care!

 

[di and bob]

I know the guilt and sorrow we feel, all too well I'm afraid.....even though my Chrissy's death was almost 11 months ago my eyes well up with tears as I feel your anguish. I have mourned her much more then any human, and am still brought to tears by the mention of her name. Time does bring a small amount of relief, but such a horrible wound to our heart takes a lot of time to heal. To keep her litterbox is NOT 'crazy', it's mourning something we have lost. I'll pray for us all, we need closure that we cannot get. Our babies are safe now, we are left behind to live out the rest of our lives. I will say though, that having my two 'boys' with me has brought me some comfort, cats have a way of demanding attention, and anything that takes your mind off of your sorrow is  comforting. Please accept my sincere condolences, and know I understand how you feel as I am going through the same thing, you are NOT alone! God bless you and little Bella's soul.

 

[jlc20m]

To my baby Bella,

I love you.
I miss you.
I cry tears of sorrow everyday for you.
I am sorry for not doing things differently, for you pain and terror.
I wish I could get you where you are.
I wish I could hold you and kiss you just one more time.
I...

Your mamma forever

 

[mservant]

You did everything you could and you still hold Bella every minute of every day, holding her and treasuring her in your heart.  Try to feel some warmth from her, she would not want you to feel sorrow.  Bella is in your heart, treasure and care for your self as this is to treasure her too.  I hope you are managing to find some support to keep you going.

 

 

[lbailey]

I lost my cat on Sept. 13th, and it has made life sometimes seem less important overall, but I know I loved that cat so much, I told her constantly.  I thought she was such an amazing creature, and with difficulties we had finding a place to live in Los Angeles, cause cats somehow don't seem to be that popular overall here, I had people suggesting I give my cat away.  I of course would never, but the fate of my cat in L.A. was not the best, she was much older than your gorgeous cat, but I really thought she would live another three or so years.  She had signs of getting older, and I suppose stress toppled her over, and I didn't get to see her die as someone found her when I put her outside for a few moments, and took her to a shelter... she was put down the next day.  I found this out though just last month.  I feel terribly irresponsible for this.  It took over a month for the shock and stress to fade enough for the void to really settle in, and now it happens in waves.

You obviously loved this little girl, she spent a lot of time with you, and I too had a bad vet experience at the end that left me afraid of conventional vets, and made me think they want my money more than the true care of my cat.  It has changed my perception of life in general, and my life, my heart truly aches.  

All I can say is know your intentions towards your Bella, and go with that... you do need to go on, and one thing I have done is start to go to the shelter where Lucy was taken to, and spend time with the kitties... if you too can find a relationship from Bella to another part of the cat family, that will help soothe, not erase... I don't  want Lucy erased, just have to turn it around and understand and appreciate the beauty, even though the painful thoughts still linger.  You probably did what you thought you should at each moment that occurred... it is easy to critique ourselves after the fact, especially when we are in pain from loss of these special creatures.  Getting another creature in your life should happen for that other creature, not only for you, but heading in that direction is probably good, especially if that companionship can fill a social void... there are MANY cats living in cages in shelters, or unwanted cats, that have different but wonderful personalities... when the time is right, never forgetting your awesome Bella, go get one.  Yesterday I got a chance to pet and hold a black cat at the shelter Lucy was taken to, Lucy was black, and though it wasn't Lucy, it felt so sweet.

You do need to go on, move forward, at some point, and pour your love into the cat family... there are many that would love to have your attention, and Bella's experience has taught you something for sure.  I really hope you can soothe yourself enough to smile again, and get enough strength back to help cats that are still here, and in need of someone who can love cats as you do!!!! 

 

[jlc20m]

December 25, 2013 (Pacific Time)

Dearest Bella,

My baby who is now an angel in heaven, I love and miss you. Not a day goes by where I don't think of you. Not a day goes by where I don't cry for you. Not a day goes by where I don't miss you. I carry you in my heart always. I'm your mamma aways. My God bless you and keep you in His loving arms forever. Merry Christmas my sweetie pie, my squirt...

Love,

Mamma

(jlc20m)

xmascandles.jpg

• jlc20m
• Dec 25, 2013

P.S. Bella as a baby (seven weeks) at the Vancouver SPCA:

Bella, seven weeks old.jpg

• jlc20m
• Dec 25, 2013

Bella at 16 weeks:

bella16weeks.jpg

• jlc20m
• Dec 25, 2013

 

[mservant]

This time of year is not an easy one but it is one where we can treasure everything we have, and that includes those treasures in our heart.  You are not alone.  

 

[jlc20m]

 
This time of year is not an easy one but it is one where we can treasure everything we have, and that includes those treasures in our heart.  You are not alone.  

Thank you for your kindness. I appreciate your support more than words can express. I feel embarrassed that I still grieve for my Bella. However, it is what it is. I can't hide my feelings. She was so loving and beautiful...I miss her desperately. The intensity of my grief and sorrow is a lesson for me...I knew I loved that critter but didn't realize how much until she was no longer physically with me. I've learnt to accept her not being in my life physically. She is with me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Now and always. Thank you, again. You're a very special soul. Reaching out to me is a loving act to a complete stranger. Thank you for this...

jlc20m

(Bella's mom)

 

[2littlerascals]

Hi, I understand your grief , remember I lost my baby a week before when she was knocked down and killed by a car, I miss her so much and still miss her ever though I have got two other cats now , people thought I was wrong getting them the day after Ebony was killed, but I couldn't bare the silence in my house and just felt in my heart to give another kitten a home and I ended up getting two, some people are over the moon and thing giving two other babies a loving home is a wonderful thing to do. I feel its right and I know that it has helped me move on from the grief as it gave something to focus on I had to feed them take them for health checks as they were really ill with cat flu and it took six weeks to get them better , they have brought me so much joy and love I cannot describe it. I have to admit it was hard to do when I got them but it really is the best thing I did as far as helping with the grief is concerned.

It is up to you if you get another cat and only you can make that choice, but from a personal experience I can honestly say it has been the best thing for me and I really loved my baby so much she was here with from six weeks old and I still love her so much , but I know she would have wanted me to get another kitten to love and care for and give a happy home to .

God Bless x

 

[mservant]

 
..............I've learned to accept her not being in my life physically. She is with me emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Now and always. Thank you, again. You're a very special soul. Reaching out to me is a loving act to a complete stranger. Thank you for this...

jlc20m

(Bella's mom)

This sounds as if you are more able to get by from day to day and I am happy that you are making progress, feeling Bella with you even if not as a physical presence.  Christmas is a massive hurdle, just as it is with any family member or loved one who is not with us.  You have got through it, you are getting stronger.

People can be physical strangers but share experience, emotion, and understanding. I feel I am only one of many here who feels that, and know I am not the only one to cry with people I have never met over the loss of their cats or kittens. One of the wonderful things about this site is that we are among others who experience cats as family, as valued emotional beings and can relate to grief when cats move on and leave us for what ever reason be it ending of a foster arrangement, kittens going to new homes, missing outdoors or rainbow bridge.  We can also share the emotional highs, the excitement of a new kitten birth, or new cat in our life, or the feral that has come in to our home for warmth, or a  sick or injured cat that has healed and gets back to waking  us up at 6 am.   

You know I could not bare to have an empty house and couldn't wait to find another cat to share my life with once I lost the second of my two tabbies, but I know some people take a very long time, if never, get to that stage where they feel strong enough to open their heart up and risk loss again.  I truly hope that you do feel ready at some point, whether it is to offer a furever home or perhaps fostering.  Your connection with Bella must have been so strong and special I can't help feel that some cat will be very lucky if you are ready to share your life again.  I still call Mouse Pal sometimes and then I catch myself and think 'why did I do this', 'was this fair to my boy when I still feel she is here', but in my heart I know it was right for me.  And without Mouse I would never have made contact with you or any of the other amazing souls here on this site! 

M 

 

 

[jlc20m]

Bella, seven weeks old.jpg

• jlc20m
• Dec 25, 2013

Bella, nine weeks old (2).jpg

• jlc20m
• Sep 1, 2013

Bella, 7-8 months.jpg

• jlc20m
• Aug 28, 2014

August 28, 2014

To my precious, dear, and beautiful baby Bella:

It's exactly one year today that you were suddenly taken from me. You are now gone physically longer than when you were with me having died 5 days short of a year since you came home from the SPCA on Spetember 2, 2012. Words still can't express how losing you has affected me. A day doesn't go by that I don't think of you or kiss the crystal bowl where your urn lays. I still have crying jags where I fall apart completely, remembering you (the wonderful times and when you died suddenly), longing to hold you and kiss you and brush you and snuggle with you one last time. You are so very missed. I still struggle with guilt and think I should have done things differently (e.g., finding a different doctor for you) and perhaps you might be alive today. Please forgive your mom, Bella. I'm so sorry. I can't tell you how sorry I am. I cry huge tears while writing this. You were such a loving baby. You added so much love and joy and beauty to my life. You are missed so much!!! The only good thing that came out of loosing you physically (you are always in my heart and I will always be your mom) is that you helped me find Abby. I didn't think it was possible for me to make room in my heart for another baby after you. But, you made it possible. Abby helps me cope with my grief. However, when she's sleeping or playing, I find myself still crying over my loss of you. I love taking care of Abby and providing for her needs. I knwo that you helped me as an angel in heaven to find her. I'm forever grateful for her gift as you were almost two years ago. Here are some pictures of her:

aww_abby_kitten_spcarichmond_photo_october_2013.jp

• jlc20m
• Aug 28, 2014

 (Abby at around three months at the SPCA)

17-11-13abbykitten.jpg

• jlc20m
• Aug 28, 2014

 (Abby at around four months at home)

awwabby.jpg

• jlc20m
• Aug 28, 2014

(Abby at nine months of age)

Thank you, Bella, for being in my life. You are in my heart now and forever...

Your loving mama,

jlc20m

love2.jpg

• jlc20m
• Aug 28, 2014

 

[marshmallow2013]

Hi,
It's so nice to hear from you. I hope you're doing better. Abby is adorable just like Bella. She's very lucky to find such a sweet Mom like you. My Marshmallow has been gone for a year August 9th to be exact. I still miss her a lot. Although she was with us for just a few days, she was so helpless and special to me. I know how special Bella was for you. All the best to you and to Abby.
Remembering Your Sweet Angel Bella

 

[catconcern]

RIP bella. Your girl looks a lot like my new kitten. Same colors. God bless you.

 

[jlc20m]

 

[jlc20m]

 
RIP bella. Your girl looks a lot like my new kitten. Same colors. God bless you.

Dear Catconcern,

Thank you for your lovely sentiment about Abby and Bella. Your kitten sounds beautiful. Enjoy every day with her as she or he is a gift from above. After loosing someone you love, you learn to not take anything for granted. Thank you, again. Please take wonderful care. Today is a very hard day but it helps to know that people care. God bless you...

jlc20m

Abby's and Angel Bella's mom

 

[jlc20m]

I hope it's okay to share a little story of my life with Bella, a diluted calico. She was a very special girl, very "aware" if you know what I mean. The following picture of her after coming home from the SPCA illustrates her awareness:

Bella, nine weeks old.jpg

• jlc20m
• Aug 29, 2014

Bella was home perhaps a week, at most two. I was playing with her in my bedroom, on my bed to be exact. When she was very small, she liked to play with those "fishing rod" toys with the fish at the end of the pole. This particular day, I was guiding the "fish" at the end of the pole across the bed, on the floor, etc., for Bella to chase. We were playing for quite a while. I don't remember how long. Perhaps 15 or 20 minutes? I decided to stop playing so that Bella (and I) could have a rest. I was just stopping the "fish" and putting it away when Bella gave out this loud plaintive cry. It wasn't a meow exactly. I'm sure you'll recognize it in your kitty when I explain it. It was high-pitched and drawn out, The only way I can explain it is by its meaning. I know this is what my baby meant: "Mommy, don't stop, don't stop, I'm having so much fun!" When I heard her cry of disappointment mixed wuth excitement and happiness, my heart melted, the hundreds of times it did melt over the 11 months Bella shared my life. I exclaimed "Aww Bella, okay we play for a little while longer." Which we did, until we both got tired. She eventually curled up on my chest and neck and slept there all night. She slept on me every night for her first four months at home. I can here her cry in my mind right now. It still makes me smile and then tear up. That was my dear baby...

Thank you for letting me share a story of Bella. I need to do this. She was and is loved. She is my angel kitten...

jlc20m

 

[hailstar81]

Im so sorry for your loss and reading your posts, I am feeling your sadness with you.  Sharing your wonderful memories will help with the healing process.  She was a beautiful girl and from heaven she will be missing you too, but will be so thankful for the time spent on earth with her mummy.

My thoughts and big hugs go out to you during this painful time xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[di and bob]

These 'anniversaries' are always painful, their birthdays and the date of their deaths will be forever imprinted on our souls. Even though our minds are distracted for a while, and they must be if we are to be fair to our other little ones, it seems we always remember those terrible moments and relive them again and again. There MUST be a day when we can love with a whole heart again, it may take years, but we cannot live the remaining time that is allotted for us by not living, and loving, to the fullest of our potential. It can be a slow, painful process, but we have to try to find true joy again in our lives. We have to take comfort from others, and know we are not alone in our grief. Our loved ones are gone from this life, but we hold them alive and well in our hearts. I know those beautiful babies would never want us to be so sad, they shared our lives and our love for too short a time and we have to try to regain some of the happiness we felt when they were here. I don't have answers but I want you to know I'll be thinking and praying for you and all the countless others who are going through this terrible pain. Take care, and bless you for your suffering because you loved so much. RIP beautiful Bella, you were so loved!