My 5th is gone

Leausername

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I lost my Benny on October11th. I know it’s good that I don’t cry every night now, but I feel terrible that I’m starting to feel okay again. I feel guilty and I’m worried that I’m forgetting him. I don’t want to forget anything about him but I know I already have. I don’t have the panic that I had knowing that I’ll never see him again. The doubt and regret isn’t as strong. I’m starting to get used to the fact that he’s just not here. It’s okay and terrible.
 

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di and bob

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Eventually everyone's heart starts the journey to healing. It's a way to insulate ourselves against the overwhelming tsunami of emotions and depression that takes over our lives and is called grief. We cannot sustain such high emotions for extended periods of time, though some can sustain it for longer. The fact that you have lost five and are beginning to heal means that with each one you have learned how to cope a little more and can anticipate what is to come and prepare for it. Different ways of death bring about different ways of coping also. It took me years to learn to live with my Chrissy's death who was killed in front of me, and though my Casper was killed on the road too, I had anticipated it and learned to live with his choice of wanting to be an outside cat. (after trying for years to get him inside)Though I grieved, it was not nearly as devastating to my life. I accepted my twelve year old feral's death, Russel, within a relatively short time because he suffered so with cancer, and death meant an end to that suffering.
Don't feel guilt for getting on with your life. It is as Benny would want for the one he loves fso much, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. Don't let death take two lives. "Death cannot take that which never dies" and you are secure in your love with that little boy and know you will hold it forever. He is a part of your very being, your soul, and will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. If you are afraid of forgetting little special things about him, start a journal that you can reminice over in the years to come. Keep prominant pictures of those you love, to have a permanent record of what they looked like. The memory can fail us and needs these reminders to refresh it as time goes by.
My heart goes out to you, I know how much this hurts and will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.......RIP beautiful Benny. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

les26

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You have probably almost become emotionally "numb" to it after losing so many, your mind and heart are trying to protect you from the pain, but it doesn't mean that you DON'T care or feel for him you do, and it might come up and hit you like an emotional tidal wave sometime later. Grief is strange, and can play many strange games emotionally which is normal unfortunately, but it is clear that he made a big impact on you as they all did.

I am sorry for your loss, he was such a sweetheart, that little face....

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....he is fine now, just fine. :alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Benny, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Sweetie, at some point, we begin to get past the raw, tearing grief. The one we lost is no longer at the forefront of our minds every moment of every day. And that is the way this is supposed to happen. There is no one "right" time when it happens, it just does. Sooner for some, later for others, and the amount of time has no correlation to the amount of love! And we never forget. All it takes is the right trigger, and the details come back to us. They are there, filed away, for when you can look at them without so much pain. Benny loved you, and still loves you, deeply, and the last thing he would want is for you to be crippled with grief for months and months. And his love will remain with you, rejoicing when you are happy, and purring softly when you are sad...a quiet, subtle comfort.
 

Maria Bayote

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I am sorry for your loss.

I understand how you feel, but try not to dwell on that. Your Benny would not want you to feel this way. Your Benny would want you to move on and be happy. He would want you to open your heart once again, to love another cat as much as you had loved him.
 
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Leausername

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Thank you all, so, so much!! I cried with each response. You guys understand and I appreciate your words of support! It does get better!
 

Norachan

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I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost one of my girls just last week, so I'm still at the point where I think she might come back at any moment. Grieving takes a long time and we go through many stages. It doesn't mean that you're forgetting Benny, or that you love him any less. It just means that you're healing.

He was a beautiful cat. You'll never forget him.
 

Maria Bayote

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It’s only hard at night when I turn over and I don’t need to put my hand on his belly and we fall asleep.
Oh sweetheart, it really is hard when you try to reach for him and he is no longer there, especially at nights. I feel your sadness. Hang in there. It WILL get better. Maybe not totally, but better.

Sending you my warmest of hugs.
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm sorry for your loss. I understand that feeling for me it was coming downstairs to silence, Tik would always shout at me until I fed him. But remember the good things and your heart will mend Benny wouldn't want you sad. It does get better and you will be able to think about him and smile.:alright:
 

Maria Bayote

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I understand that feeling for me it was coming downstairs to silence, Tik would always shout at me until I fed him.
This is why grief gets too very painful; when the things we were so used to have are suddenly no longer there. It cuts our hearts right at the very center and leaves us bleeding in silence. But as I said, it will get better, not because we have moved on, but most probably because we slowly get used to the feeling of emptiness.
 
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