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I lost my beautiful baby on December 6, 2018. It will be one month tomorrow since she passed. It still hurts so much & I am still filled with so much guilt and regret. I miss my sweet Rosie, my baby, my honey, my angel, my pretty girl- She used to get so happy when i would call her 'pretty girl' she loved it. My heart hurts so much.. I wish so much that I hadn't taken her to the ER vet that last night. Maybe things would have been different.. maybe she would still be here with me today. I feel like I made a terrible mistake, I will never forgive myself for it. I was pressured and rushed to make a decision by the ER Vet and I was made to believe this was what i had to do, make a decision I never thought I would ever have to make for my baby, at least not yet. I wasn't ready to lose her yet. It was too soon and I truly felt in my heart she wasn't ready to go yet, she wanted to keep fighting, she wanted to be with me. She wanted me to help her and fight harder for her. And that was what I wanted to do, truly in my heart.. i wanted to keep fighting for her, I never wanted to give up on her, i never wanted to let her down. How could I have done that to her? I loved her soo sooo much, with everything in me. She was so special to me, she wasn't just a cat, we had a special bond, one that I never felt before with any other cat. She was the sweetest most loving, kindest, caring cat I ever knew. She was so loyal to me. Slept next to me every single day since the first day I got her. Never once bit or scratched anyone.. She just had the most beautiful heart. She was an amazing kitty. My heart aches... I am just so sorry for taking her to the vet that night. I am still not sure if it was the right thing to do or not... but i feel like it was all too soon and too fast and I was being pressured to euthanize, when that was never what I wanted to do. I feel i could have helped her if i had waited a couple more days. I really feel like she would have gotten better, maybe if I would have gone to a different vet, they would have atleast tried to help her instead of telling me to put her to sleep.
I'm sorry this is going to be very very long, I have so much I need to get out, so many questions, so much I want to say.
I made a post the day I started to notice my cat wasn't doing so well, if you are interested you can find it here
My Rosie was 17 years old. She was a very healthy cat her whole life, never had any issues at all until the last few months before she passed. She was a beautiful gray domestic short hair tabby. She was quite thin but I think that was just how her breed typically are. She had the most gorgeous green eyes I had ever seen. She truly was such a pretty girl. Everything about her was beautiful. From her personality to her cute little meows. I have never known another cat like her before and I have had so many growing up. She was so special. I remember the first day we got her. It was my first day of high school, my mom had went and got her from a pet store and when I came home from school that day I immediately fell in love with her and she took an immediate liking to me too. She became my kitten. I remember that first night so clearly. She slept next to me on my bed and continued to do so every single night for 17 years. There wasn't one day that passed by when she didn't sleep next to me. She was there by my side when I was a young teenager and always there to comfort me when i would cry. She truly cared about me, I remember when I would cry she would come up to me and start licking my face trying to make me feel better. She never wanted to see me sad and she did that even as I got older. She was always there for me. She wasn't just a cat but she became like a family member she loved and cared about us all. And we all truly loved and cared about her too. I always used to say I could never imagine my life without her. I would always tell my brothers and my mom that I don't know what I would do if something were to ever happen to her or if I had lost her. Of course I knew she would not life forever, that is life. But I never thought I would lose her this soon, It happened so fast and I didn't see any of this coming. What is crazy is that I remember a couple days before I took her to the vet my brother told me, "you know Rosie is getting older, you should prepare yourself" and I would just be like "Oh stop she is gonna live to be at least 20, just wait and see" and I truly believed that could be possible as silly as that may sound. I just didn't expect to lose her so soon because she seemed fine to me. All her life she was really healthy. The only issues I ever noticed were that she was thin ( but she had always been thin- ever since she was a kitten and i always thought that just how she was) and maybe about 2 years ago she would have diarrhea constantly but I figured it was an allergy to chicken and ever since I switched to to a novel protein the diarrhea had stopped and she was fine up until I started taking her to the vets.
I apologize if I am repeating myself, I know this is all over the place and really long but I just really need to get all of this out.
About 7 months ago or so I decided to start feeding all cats better food because I had been feeding them purina naturals for most of their lives and they were constantly vomiting and i just wanted better for them. I was also hoping that the better food would possibly help my Rosie put on more weight cuz I always wondered if maybe she wasn't eating enough and that's why she was so thin (though i always assumed maybe that's just how she is because she was like that since she was a kitten as i said earlier) So I settled on Blue Wilderness Chicken kibble and they all did amazing on it, no more vomiting, shiny beautiful coats, they all seemed so happy and had tons of energy. I was so excited that I had found something they all did so well on. About 2 weeks after being on blue wilderness I started noticing Rosie was drinking lots of water. She always loved water more than my other cats but she was drinking so much water and urinating a lot also. I also noticed that she had some muscle wasting towards the back near her hips. I thought it was just because she was getting older but decided to take her to the vet for a check up to make sure nothing was wrong.
I took her to the vet the first week of March 2018, they did blood work and urinalysis & vet commented that my cat was underweight she said I should try appetite stimulant like nutrical to get my cats weight up. She weighed 7lbs 3oz and the vet told me she thinks my cat should be 10lbs. I never remember her ever being 10lbs. I think when she was younger she was around 9lbs maybe 8lbs but never 10. This made me a little worried because I began to wonder if maybe i was right before and she wasn't eating enough- as much as she should be. So i started paying closer attention to how much she would eat and I did notice she never ate as much as my other cats but she was always interested in food. So I kept trying my best to get her weight up. When I got the blood work results they showed some kidney issues only slightly elevated bun and creatine, mild pancreatitis, some sort of infection, and she tested positive for coronavirus. The vet just gave me antibiotics for the infection and told me to feed my cat lower protein food, she suggested a senior diet would be best or i could try one of the renal diets. She didn't say much about the pancreatitis but told me if I started noticing any symptoms I should bring her back and she may need to spend a few nights in the hospital. She never had any symptoms and seemed to be doing very well after that vet visit.
She did well for many months, no issues what so ever. Until about 3 weeks before I had taken her to a second vet. She suddenly stopped eating her food at the time it was Fromm Hasen Ducken. I chose that because it was slightly lower in protein but not too low also it was novel protein because when she ate chicken she would get diarrhea, and she just really liked it. So we stuck with it for a long time and she did so good on it. But when she stopped eating it i struggled to find something she would eat. I had a bag of the Hills K/D and that was all she was willing to eat. She ate that for 5 days or so and then I started to get worried because i had read that you shouldn't feed cats who are still in the early stages of CKD the hills k/d cause it can be bad for them. Also since she was so thin and having muscle wasting I worried the low protein would only make things worse. I had also noticed that she was sort of losing her voice. When she would meow it would come out very squeaky and she could barely get it out- she eventually stopped meowing completely for a few days. So I decided to take her to another vet and recheck her blood work. When the results came back it turned out that she actually didn't have CKD. Her bun and creatine levels were normal. She had some mild anemia(vet said it was non regenerative anemia) her WBC was high Neutrophilis was high Monocytes was high and Eosinphils was low(vet said possibly some sort of infection) Albumin was 2.3. Her pancreatitis had progressed (spec fpl 6.1 ) normal T4 but low T3 and again she had tested positive for coronavirus. The vet gave me antibiotics for her infection and told me we can try one round and monitor her for one month and if she doesn't get better we can try one more round and if still shes not better he said we need to do more testing (xrays, ultra sound. biopsy) I wrote about what happened after she took the antibiotics in my other post.. but if you haven't read it i will try to summarize as best as i can... she did really well until the last day of her last dose of antibiotics- i noticed she had a swollen belly and turned out it was fluid in her abdomen. she started sitting hunched up a lot. Then she began to have trouble urinating and passed only very small hard stools. I had tried hairball gel for the constipation and urinary tract gel for what i had thought to be a UTI they didn't help much. so I took her to another vet at banfield (3rd vet we went to)- i explained to the vet that i think my kitty had a uti because she was having trouble urinating and only producing very small amounts and seemed to be straining. The vet didn't seem to believe me though and only focused on her swollen belly- she told me she thought my cat could have FIP and that she likely had inflammation in her pancreas. (no tests had been done at this vet this is just what she thought after examining my cat and looking over her previous blood tests) She said that none of this looks good and didn't think my cat would even make it another month. I still felt my cat was showing signs of a uti but the vet would not give me antibiotics until we did more testing (at the time i honestly didn't have the money for more blood work as i had just had some done 2 weeks prior- i truly wish i had the money maybe i would have had more answers) So the vet gave us some prescription can food that would help with pancreatitis and we were on our way home. When we went home my cat was still in and out of the litter box having trouble urinating. I got really worried so I called around different vets and found one who would see us.. this is now the 4th vet we would go see. This vet commented how my cat was very very thin, said my cat was very dehydrated, and she also said her heart rate seemed rapid( i think it was just cuz she was scared or stressed) she said she didn't hear any fluid in the lungs but like the previous vet she also thought the fluid in the belly could be fip. She said she was "confident this was fip" because my cat had some of the symptoms. But i had a hard time believing that because I always read that with FIP they have a high fever that doesn't go away. My cat didn't have a fever or diarrhea. Also I don't know how she can be diagnosed for fip without having the fluid tested or anything? I again asked her if the trouble urinating could be a UTI. She didn't think that was what was going on with my cat but we did a urinalysis and the results showed no bacteria and no casts and no crystals but there was some protein and inflammation. She would not give me antibiotics and told me if my cat starts declining to go to the ER Vet and they could give me antibiotics. I went home so upset- i didn't know whether this was a uti or fip or something else. My cat started to look weaker and began sitting in her litter box after she would urinate. Sometimes she would be sitting down flat on her stomach trying to pass a bowel and she would produce only very small round hard stool. I got even more worried when she kept doing that every time she would go in the litter box to urinate. I decided to take her to the ER vet that previous doctor recommended. I told them about how I felt maybe my cat had a UTI because she had trouble urinating for a few days and was showing all the signs of UTI. They took her in the back and examined her and when the vet came into the room she just had this look on her face- she told me there was nothing she could do for my cat and she recommended euthanasia. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I had brought in my kitty because i believed she had a uti and she was telling me to put her to sleep. She said she thinks my cat might have FIP or Cancer. I still couldnt understand how they can be sure without doing any tests? I asked her if she could look over her previous blood work and see if there was anything we could do to help her because i wasn't ready to put her down. She kept refusing to look over anything and said she didnt need to see anything. I begged her to please look over it- she started saying all sorts of things no other vet had told me. she said "oh it could be her liver failing, and kidney dysfunction, and she's not absorbing any protein" I didn't understand how she was saying all this when her blood test showed her kidney levels were fine and no one said anything about cancer or her liver to me before. She said it's best to put her down because she is suffering. She asked me if she was still eating and I answered her that she was and had started eating better than she used to. She still just had this look on her face like I was some horrible person if I didn't put my cat to sleep right now. She said my cat might live another week or another day maybe even another month and she said would u want her to die next to you? I was just so confused and devastated. I told them I felt like i wanted to spend one more night with her that i wasn't ready to let her go yet. I wanted one more night with her. This was my first time ever going through something like this... They said that was fine but if i wanted to proceed with the euthanasia i would have 24hrs to do so. When i went home my cat just didn't look the same- i dont know if it was the stress of being at the vet, or something that went on behind the closed door where i was not allowed at the ER Vet. I cried and prayed so hard. I didn't want to lose her. That night she slept so close next to me she staring at me the whole time. I kept getting scared and waking up in the middle of the night scared that she would pass but she never did. I remember i one moment when i woke up from my sleep i heard her like release a deep sigh. Then i fell back asleep. I was so thankful she was still there breathing and alive beside me. When i woke up she looked and seemed so much better she was bright-eyed and alert and I told myself I am not gonna take her to the ER vet again. I kept praying for God to help her and heal her from whatever this was. I felt in my heart that he would. But then a few hours later she began to seem even weaker and again every time she would urinate she would sit and lay in her litter box. I got worried again and though maybe she is still constipated so i gave her some hair ball gel... but nothing changed. She was started urinating on my bed (she had never done this before) I began to worry that if this was a UTI and I didn't get her antibiotics she would die. My mom told me to call the ER vet we saw the night before and explain everything to them and ask them if they can give us antibiotics for my cat they agreed but said i would need to bring her in first for the doc to examine. When we got there I let them know she started urinating on my bed and i know that can be a sign of a UTI as she has been having trouble urinating for a few days only producing small amounts each time. After they examined her in the back and the doctor came in he said "i dont know what u want me to tell you, your kitty is dying, she is suffering a lot" He said he had read the ER Vets notes from the night before when we were there and said there was nothing he could do for my cat to help her. He said even if we did blood work and tests there is nothing he could do to save her. I just couldn't stop crying and I was heart broken i told him that I thought she just had a uti and he said she very well could have a uti but that was the least of her problems- he said my cat couldn't even stand when he was examining her. He just kept saying she is suffering a lot. I was told it would be best to put her to sleep to end her suffering.
I already wrote about all of this in my other post, I am sorry for repeating it all again, but i just keep replaying that night over and over again and remembering things that I didnt notice when i was in the moment and all of this was happening. When the vet had told me my cat couldn't stand- at the moment i thought she was going to die- that's how he made it seem... in my mind i thought he meant like she was gonna die right then and there. But now when i am replaying everything and thinking a little more clearly, i think maybe he meant she was heading in that direction but maybe it wouldnt have happened that day or that week- maybe i would have had some more time with her. Also when he told me she couldn't stand i remember thats how she always got when she was at the vets... she would always just lay there and not want to move when she was at the vets but when we would go home she would be fine and walking around the house and jumping on the bed. In the moment and the way he was talking, his tone, he had made it seem like she would die soon... so I got scared and didnt want her to suffer but i remember telling my mom that i felt this wasn't right and it was too soon and i wanted her to be with me till the end. My mom assured me this was the right thing to do, she went and told them we would like to put her to sleep. I was frozen I just couldn't believe what was happening. I should have said something i should have asked more questions, i should have asked if there was something, anything else we could have done, i shouldnt have let this happen, maybe she could have been saved. I didn't know if she was suffering- she didn't look like she was to me.. she seemed fine that morning. I am just so sad and heartbroken. I can't stop thinking maybe we made the wrong decision. I remember her sad face and sad little meow to me right before they were gonna put her to sleep. I felt as if she was telling me not to do this or to help her. I really don't know if this was the right thing to do, I wish the vets would have at least tried something, anything to help her. Or maybe i should have left when they said they would help her and find another one who would. The worst part of this is I will never know what she had exactly or what this was because they did not do any tests that day. I will never know if i was right in believing it was just a UTI or if it was something more serious like they suspected ( Cancer or FIP) It was hard to believe what they were saying because she didn't have all the symptoms. I feel as my heart and mind will never be at ease because I will never know or get answers to any of my questions now.
Every night I keep praying to God to give me a sign, to show me the truth, to let me know if this was the right decision. If we did the right thing. And for the past 4 days I have dreamt that I could have saved her. In each dream I see my beautiful Rosie and I dream that I save her or that I could have. I don't know if that's a sign from God or if that's because i truly believe i could have saved her and gotten her through this.
I know what's done is done and nothing can be changed now but I feel so bad and keep thinking maybe all these vet trips stressed her out so much. She was old and fragile... she could not handle all of that stress. I feel this is all my fault. All i ever wanted to do was help her. I loved her so much... I didn't want to lose her. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I will never ever forget her. She will be in my heart forever. I wish I could have some peace of mind or some clue as to what this was or if this was the right thing to do but i don't think i ever will
I know this is extremely long- thank you if you have read all of this.
RIP Rosie you meant the world to me. I love you and miss you so much <3
I'm sorry this is going to be very very long, I have so much I need to get out, so many questions, so much I want to say.
I made a post the day I started to notice my cat wasn't doing so well, if you are interested you can find it here
My Rosie was 17 years old. She was a very healthy cat her whole life, never had any issues at all until the last few months before she passed. She was a beautiful gray domestic short hair tabby. She was quite thin but I think that was just how her breed typically are. She had the most gorgeous green eyes I had ever seen. She truly was such a pretty girl. Everything about her was beautiful. From her personality to her cute little meows. I have never known another cat like her before and I have had so many growing up. She was so special. I remember the first day we got her. It was my first day of high school, my mom had went and got her from a pet store and when I came home from school that day I immediately fell in love with her and she took an immediate liking to me too. She became my kitten. I remember that first night so clearly. She slept next to me on my bed and continued to do so every single night for 17 years. There wasn't one day that passed by when she didn't sleep next to me. She was there by my side when I was a young teenager and always there to comfort me when i would cry. She truly cared about me, I remember when I would cry she would come up to me and start licking my face trying to make me feel better. She never wanted to see me sad and she did that even as I got older. She was always there for me. She wasn't just a cat but she became like a family member she loved and cared about us all. And we all truly loved and cared about her too. I always used to say I could never imagine my life without her. I would always tell my brothers and my mom that I don't know what I would do if something were to ever happen to her or if I had lost her. Of course I knew she would not life forever, that is life. But I never thought I would lose her this soon, It happened so fast and I didn't see any of this coming. What is crazy is that I remember a couple days before I took her to the vet my brother told me, "you know Rosie is getting older, you should prepare yourself" and I would just be like "Oh stop she is gonna live to be at least 20, just wait and see" and I truly believed that could be possible as silly as that may sound. I just didn't expect to lose her so soon because she seemed fine to me. All her life she was really healthy. The only issues I ever noticed were that she was thin ( but she had always been thin- ever since she was a kitten and i always thought that just how she was) and maybe about 2 years ago she would have diarrhea constantly but I figured it was an allergy to chicken and ever since I switched to to a novel protein the diarrhea had stopped and she was fine up until I started taking her to the vets.
I apologize if I am repeating myself, I know this is all over the place and really long but I just really need to get all of this out.
About 7 months ago or so I decided to start feeding all cats better food because I had been feeding them purina naturals for most of their lives and they were constantly vomiting and i just wanted better for them. I was also hoping that the better food would possibly help my Rosie put on more weight cuz I always wondered if maybe she wasn't eating enough and that's why she was so thin (though i always assumed maybe that's just how she is because she was like that since she was a kitten as i said earlier) So I settled on Blue Wilderness Chicken kibble and they all did amazing on it, no more vomiting, shiny beautiful coats, they all seemed so happy and had tons of energy. I was so excited that I had found something they all did so well on. About 2 weeks after being on blue wilderness I started noticing Rosie was drinking lots of water. She always loved water more than my other cats but she was drinking so much water and urinating a lot also. I also noticed that she had some muscle wasting towards the back near her hips. I thought it was just because she was getting older but decided to take her to the vet for a check up to make sure nothing was wrong.
I took her to the vet the first week of March 2018, they did blood work and urinalysis & vet commented that my cat was underweight she said I should try appetite stimulant like nutrical to get my cats weight up. She weighed 7lbs 3oz and the vet told me she thinks my cat should be 10lbs. I never remember her ever being 10lbs. I think when she was younger she was around 9lbs maybe 8lbs but never 10. This made me a little worried because I began to wonder if maybe i was right before and she wasn't eating enough- as much as she should be. So i started paying closer attention to how much she would eat and I did notice she never ate as much as my other cats but she was always interested in food. So I kept trying my best to get her weight up. When I got the blood work results they showed some kidney issues only slightly elevated bun and creatine, mild pancreatitis, some sort of infection, and she tested positive for coronavirus. The vet just gave me antibiotics for the infection and told me to feed my cat lower protein food, she suggested a senior diet would be best or i could try one of the renal diets. She didn't say much about the pancreatitis but told me if I started noticing any symptoms I should bring her back and she may need to spend a few nights in the hospital. She never had any symptoms and seemed to be doing very well after that vet visit.
She did well for many months, no issues what so ever. Until about 3 weeks before I had taken her to a second vet. She suddenly stopped eating her food at the time it was Fromm Hasen Ducken. I chose that because it was slightly lower in protein but not too low also it was novel protein because when she ate chicken she would get diarrhea, and she just really liked it. So we stuck with it for a long time and she did so good on it. But when she stopped eating it i struggled to find something she would eat. I had a bag of the Hills K/D and that was all she was willing to eat. She ate that for 5 days or so and then I started to get worried because i had read that you shouldn't feed cats who are still in the early stages of CKD the hills k/d cause it can be bad for them. Also since she was so thin and having muscle wasting I worried the low protein would only make things worse. I had also noticed that she was sort of losing her voice. When she would meow it would come out very squeaky and she could barely get it out- she eventually stopped meowing completely for a few days. So I decided to take her to another vet and recheck her blood work. When the results came back it turned out that she actually didn't have CKD. Her bun and creatine levels were normal. She had some mild anemia(vet said it was non regenerative anemia) her WBC was high Neutrophilis was high Monocytes was high and Eosinphils was low(vet said possibly some sort of infection) Albumin was 2.3. Her pancreatitis had progressed (spec fpl 6.1 ) normal T4 but low T3 and again she had tested positive for coronavirus. The vet gave me antibiotics for her infection and told me we can try one round and monitor her for one month and if she doesn't get better we can try one more round and if still shes not better he said we need to do more testing (xrays, ultra sound. biopsy) I wrote about what happened after she took the antibiotics in my other post.. but if you haven't read it i will try to summarize as best as i can... she did really well until the last day of her last dose of antibiotics- i noticed she had a swollen belly and turned out it was fluid in her abdomen. she started sitting hunched up a lot. Then she began to have trouble urinating and passed only very small hard stools. I had tried hairball gel for the constipation and urinary tract gel for what i had thought to be a UTI they didn't help much. so I took her to another vet at banfield (3rd vet we went to)- i explained to the vet that i think my kitty had a uti because she was having trouble urinating and only producing very small amounts and seemed to be straining. The vet didn't seem to believe me though and only focused on her swollen belly- she told me she thought my cat could have FIP and that she likely had inflammation in her pancreas. (no tests had been done at this vet this is just what she thought after examining my cat and looking over her previous blood tests) She said that none of this looks good and didn't think my cat would even make it another month. I still felt my cat was showing signs of a uti but the vet would not give me antibiotics until we did more testing (at the time i honestly didn't have the money for more blood work as i had just had some done 2 weeks prior- i truly wish i had the money maybe i would have had more answers) So the vet gave us some prescription can food that would help with pancreatitis and we were on our way home. When we went home my cat was still in and out of the litter box having trouble urinating. I got really worried so I called around different vets and found one who would see us.. this is now the 4th vet we would go see. This vet commented how my cat was very very thin, said my cat was very dehydrated, and she also said her heart rate seemed rapid( i think it was just cuz she was scared or stressed) she said she didn't hear any fluid in the lungs but like the previous vet she also thought the fluid in the belly could be fip. She said she was "confident this was fip" because my cat had some of the symptoms. But i had a hard time believing that because I always read that with FIP they have a high fever that doesn't go away. My cat didn't have a fever or diarrhea. Also I don't know how she can be diagnosed for fip without having the fluid tested or anything? I again asked her if the trouble urinating could be a UTI. She didn't think that was what was going on with my cat but we did a urinalysis and the results showed no bacteria and no casts and no crystals but there was some protein and inflammation. She would not give me antibiotics and told me if my cat starts declining to go to the ER Vet and they could give me antibiotics. I went home so upset- i didn't know whether this was a uti or fip or something else. My cat started to look weaker and began sitting in her litter box after she would urinate. Sometimes she would be sitting down flat on her stomach trying to pass a bowel and she would produce only very small round hard stool. I got even more worried when she kept doing that every time she would go in the litter box to urinate. I decided to take her to the ER vet that previous doctor recommended. I told them about how I felt maybe my cat had a UTI because she had trouble urinating for a few days and was showing all the signs of UTI. They took her in the back and examined her and when the vet came into the room she just had this look on her face- she told me there was nothing she could do for my cat and she recommended euthanasia. I couldn't believe what she was telling me. I had brought in my kitty because i believed she had a uti and she was telling me to put her to sleep. She said she thinks my cat might have FIP or Cancer. I still couldnt understand how they can be sure without doing any tests? I asked her if she could look over her previous blood work and see if there was anything we could do to help her because i wasn't ready to put her down. She kept refusing to look over anything and said she didnt need to see anything. I begged her to please look over it- she started saying all sorts of things no other vet had told me. she said "oh it could be her liver failing, and kidney dysfunction, and she's not absorbing any protein" I didn't understand how she was saying all this when her blood test showed her kidney levels were fine and no one said anything about cancer or her liver to me before. She said it's best to put her down because she is suffering. She asked me if she was still eating and I answered her that she was and had started eating better than she used to. She still just had this look on her face like I was some horrible person if I didn't put my cat to sleep right now. She said my cat might live another week or another day maybe even another month and she said would u want her to die next to you? I was just so confused and devastated. I told them I felt like i wanted to spend one more night with her that i wasn't ready to let her go yet. I wanted one more night with her. This was my first time ever going through something like this... They said that was fine but if i wanted to proceed with the euthanasia i would have 24hrs to do so. When i went home my cat just didn't look the same- i dont know if it was the stress of being at the vet, or something that went on behind the closed door where i was not allowed at the ER Vet. I cried and prayed so hard. I didn't want to lose her. That night she slept so close next to me she staring at me the whole time. I kept getting scared and waking up in the middle of the night scared that she would pass but she never did. I remember i one moment when i woke up from my sleep i heard her like release a deep sigh. Then i fell back asleep. I was so thankful she was still there breathing and alive beside me. When i woke up she looked and seemed so much better she was bright-eyed and alert and I told myself I am not gonna take her to the ER vet again. I kept praying for God to help her and heal her from whatever this was. I felt in my heart that he would. But then a few hours later she began to seem even weaker and again every time she would urinate she would sit and lay in her litter box. I got worried again and though maybe she is still constipated so i gave her some hair ball gel... but nothing changed. She was started urinating on my bed (she had never done this before) I began to worry that if this was a UTI and I didn't get her antibiotics she would die. My mom told me to call the ER vet we saw the night before and explain everything to them and ask them if they can give us antibiotics for my cat they agreed but said i would need to bring her in first for the doc to examine. When we got there I let them know she started urinating on my bed and i know that can be a sign of a UTI as she has been having trouble urinating for a few days only producing small amounts each time. After they examined her in the back and the doctor came in he said "i dont know what u want me to tell you, your kitty is dying, she is suffering a lot" He said he had read the ER Vets notes from the night before when we were there and said there was nothing he could do for my cat to help her. He said even if we did blood work and tests there is nothing he could do to save her. I just couldn't stop crying and I was heart broken i told him that I thought she just had a uti and he said she very well could have a uti but that was the least of her problems- he said my cat couldn't even stand when he was examining her. He just kept saying she is suffering a lot. I was told it would be best to put her to sleep to end her suffering.
I already wrote about all of this in my other post, I am sorry for repeating it all again, but i just keep replaying that night over and over again and remembering things that I didnt notice when i was in the moment and all of this was happening. When the vet had told me my cat couldn't stand- at the moment i thought she was going to die- that's how he made it seem... in my mind i thought he meant like she was gonna die right then and there. But now when i am replaying everything and thinking a little more clearly, i think maybe he meant she was heading in that direction but maybe it wouldnt have happened that day or that week- maybe i would have had some more time with her. Also when he told me she couldn't stand i remember thats how she always got when she was at the vets... she would always just lay there and not want to move when she was at the vets but when we would go home she would be fine and walking around the house and jumping on the bed. In the moment and the way he was talking, his tone, he had made it seem like she would die soon... so I got scared and didnt want her to suffer but i remember telling my mom that i felt this wasn't right and it was too soon and i wanted her to be with me till the end. My mom assured me this was the right thing to do, she went and told them we would like to put her to sleep. I was frozen I just couldn't believe what was happening. I should have said something i should have asked more questions, i should have asked if there was something, anything else we could have done, i shouldnt have let this happen, maybe she could have been saved. I didn't know if she was suffering- she didn't look like she was to me.. she seemed fine that morning. I am just so sad and heartbroken. I can't stop thinking maybe we made the wrong decision. I remember her sad face and sad little meow to me right before they were gonna put her to sleep. I felt as if she was telling me not to do this or to help her. I really don't know if this was the right thing to do, I wish the vets would have at least tried something, anything to help her. Or maybe i should have left when they said they would help her and find another one who would. The worst part of this is I will never know what she had exactly or what this was because they did not do any tests that day. I will never know if i was right in believing it was just a UTI or if it was something more serious like they suspected ( Cancer or FIP) It was hard to believe what they were saying because she didn't have all the symptoms. I feel as my heart and mind will never be at ease because I will never know or get answers to any of my questions now.
Every night I keep praying to God to give me a sign, to show me the truth, to let me know if this was the right decision. If we did the right thing. And for the past 4 days I have dreamt that I could have saved her. In each dream I see my beautiful Rosie and I dream that I save her or that I could have. I don't know if that's a sign from God or if that's because i truly believe i could have saved her and gotten her through this.
I know what's done is done and nothing can be changed now but I feel so bad and keep thinking maybe all these vet trips stressed her out so much. She was old and fragile... she could not handle all of that stress. I feel this is all my fault. All i ever wanted to do was help her. I loved her so much... I didn't want to lose her. I hope she knew how much I loved her. I will never ever forget her. She will be in my heart forever. I wish I could have some peace of mind or some clue as to what this was or if this was the right thing to do but i don't think i ever will
I know this is extremely long- thank you if you have read all of this.
RIP Rosie you meant the world to me. I love you and miss you so much <3