Lost my two cats in a matter of days - need a place to vent.

dizzie

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 18, 2015
Messages
2
Purraise
1
I'm a lurker of TCS and what's happened in the last few days has made me decide to create an account because I feel like you guys might be able to understand what I'm going through.

You don't have to read all of this, I really just need to get it off my chest.

Last monday I got a text from my mother saying my 14 year old cat, Kitty wasn't doing so well and that she was going to take her to the vet. On tuesday, she put her down. This didn't hit me so hard, Kitty was old and was getting a lot of external tumors, was probably in a lot of pain, and pretty much just slept all day unless she needed to eat. It was nice knowing she wouldn't be in pain anymore, but at the same time I had Kitty for 11 years - adopted her when she was 3 and I was in third grade. I grew up with her, and she grew up with me. She was the very first cat I ever had. I miss her, but I'm happy that I got to experience life with Kitty, and I hope I gave her a good home while she was around.

Late last year, I adopted an eight week old kitten and instantly fell in love with him. He was awesome, followed me around, jumped on my lap, always talked to me. He acted more like a dog than a cat, in my opinion, and I loved it. He was so sweet. When I made dinner, he'd come downstairs and sit next to my feet. He slept right on top of my head every night, or curled up next to my chest. He'd come to me when I called his name, sit in the window and wait for me when I'd leave the house. Everywhere I went, he was hopping right behind me. This cat was everything to me, and kept me company when I really needed it.

He was a siamese, so he had a few predispositioned neurological issues. I think he had a mild case of pica, constantly eating things he wasn't supposed to (including carpet, plastic, cardboard, dirt and rocks, dust, rubber, string, he even ate nearly a fourth of a sock and an entire bra strap - including plastic clasp). Anyways, on friday morning I woke up and went downstairs and saw him. I instantly knew he was gone. He was laying in the middle of the kitchen, stiff as a board, mouth hanging open. I honestly can't get this image out of my head. It's haunting me. I collapsed and screamed and cried and begged him to come back. I desperately tried CPR but his tongue was already blue and he was extremely stiff. There wasn't anything I could do. He had gotten into a plastic garbage bag and I guess some of it got lodged in his airways and he suffocated sometime in the early morning. The entire situation feels unreal. Unfair. It was so surreal, he never EVER went downstairs alone.. Why this time? His last moments were probably awful. Suffocating doesn't sound peaceful at all. The last moment I remember with him was waking up in the middle of the night and petting him before falling back asleep. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I'm filled with guilt over what I could and couldn't have done. It's hard sleeping at night because he should be here with me still. My love for this cat was so beyond this world I can't even explain it. There wasn't a single day that went by since I got him that I didn't pick him up and tell him he was the best kitty in the whole world. When Kitty died, I understood it was her time to go, but with him, I barely even scratched the surface. He was only 5 months old, we had so many memories waiting to be made - and now they're gone. I feel at fault. I should have moved the bag. I should have woken up at a decent time. I should have kept him in the room with me while I slept in. This is honestly one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through, and I miss him so so so much. I've been a complete mess for the past few days. I think only time is gonna heal this wound. I'm so so sorry it happened this way.

Sorry for the wall of text, it feels a little bit better talking about it. I feel like most of the people I've told this to have kind of understood, but ultimately feel like "it's just a cat" or "**** happens, life goes on". He wasn't just a cat to me, he was like a best friend. And yes, life goes on, but right now my entire world feels like it's come to a complete stop.

I hope you're at peace now, little guy. You made me extremely happy in the short amount of time I knew you, I hope I returned the favor, and I'm sorry you had to leave so soon. I'll miss you. Keep Kitty company for me. I hope we get to meet again.
 

rubyjane

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Mar 18, 2015
Messages
1
Purraise
2
I joined TCS just to be able to reply to this post, which broke my heart. It is natural to feel guilt, regret and play the what-if game. Please know that this was a tragic accident in the loss of your precious cat. I think these thoughts happen to most of us in the loss of a person or pet. It may be our mind's way of coping/rationalizing a situation that is difficult to process. I lost my 14 yr old dog last Thursday and am feeling the same emotions. I have also previously lost beloved kitties. Currently, we have a cat who will chew the handles on any plastic bag within his reach. Allow yourself to grieve and reflect, but do not fault yourself. Keeping you and both kitties in my prayers. May you find peace and comfort.
 

hexiesfriend

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 29, 2013
Messages
1,672
Purraise
430
Location
Orlando, Florida
Oh gosh it hurt reading what you wrote. I'm so sorry. Nothing can really be said to make the hurt go away. We are here.....
 

micknsnicks2mom

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 15, 2014
Messages
11,590
Purraise
5,295
Location
...with the cats...
@dizzie -- i'm so very sorry for your loss.

when i lost my mickey, who was and still is the great love of my life, three things that helped me were:  believing that sometimes our precious furbabies are taken from us early because they were so very special that the "powers that be" up above wanted them up at the Rainbow Bridge (http://rainbowsbridge.com/Poem.htm) sooner; just believing in the Rainbow Bridge, and knowing that my mickey and i will be reunited again one day; and knowing that because my mickey loved me so very much, he would want me to grieve but also to move forward in life.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6

dizzie

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 18, 2015
Messages
2
Purraise
1
@detmut Yes, it's hard and frustrating. I always knew he would eventually get into something bad, but never even fathomed the idea of it being this bad.

@RubyJane I understand. I'm slowly coming to terms with it being a series of unfortunate events, but I think there's always going to be that little bit of guilt in the back of my mind. I'm very sorry about your loss, it's heartbreaking that animals have such a short amount of time here. Thanks for the comfort, and I'm sending some back your way.

@hexiesfriend Yeah, sadly I think I'm going to need a few months before I recover. Thanks though.

@micksNsnicks2mom Thank you so much for that poem, it brought me to tears, but at the same time it's very comforting.
 

dalimili18

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Mar 3, 2015
Messages
41
Purraise
17
Dear Dizzie,

I read your whole post and I am so sorry for your loss.

I can so relate to what you are experiencing now and I feel exactly how you must be feeling. My beloved cat died (was 14) in circumstances where I keep questioning if I could have prevented it, if I had done something wrong. He was my first cat, my partner, my kitty, companion...

You know that life sometimes takes different turns, you will question yourself, blame yourself, it is okay, get it out of your system. Talk to people around you, sit down and write what you are feeling, the loss, the feeling of guilt, the love, put it all down, cry your eyes out. It was not your fault. You did not mistreat your beloved kitty, you loved him dearly. Obviously you had a short, but very intense relationship and perhaps he gave you more in those few months than another cat would in years.

Cry your eyes out, get it out of your system. It is perfectly natural to feel the pain, to place the blame... most of us do. Even if it was a fatal disease and your kitty died because of it, you would still be questioning yourself, so, see, sometimes there is nothing we can do. Life just sucks sometimes.

I wish you all the best and I hope you will be able to get over it.
 

rosiemac

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Dec 3, 2003
Messages
54,358
Purraise
100
Location
ENGLAND... LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY!
I'm so sorry for your loss, but like most have said please don't beat yourself up.

Take one day at a time, because the pain of your loss isn't going to happen overnight 
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,582
Purraise
22,957
Location
Nebraska, USA
My precious baby followed me onto the street and was killed by a car, I can definitely relate to your feelings of guilt. I can't tell you what will help, I still suffer almost three years later. I can say it does get more distant with time, but can come crashing back like a tidal wave. There is no way we can prevent what happened, WE DIDN'T KNOW!!!.We would never have purposely hurt our sweet babies, it was a horrible, horrible accident, and we cannot go back and undo the pain.I can advise you that your precious boy loved you so much he would NEVER want you to feel such pain when you think of him, he would want you to celebrate what you shared and know he left behind his legacy of love for you to hold forever in your heart..Cherish your memories they will be with you forever. Please try to be gentle on yourself, you need kindness and comforting right now, I'll pray for you to find peace and for your boy to have a safe journey to the Rainbow Bridge. RIP sweet baby, you gave much in your short life, and will always be remembered and loved!
 

jcat

Mo(w)gli's can opener
Veteran
Joined
Feb 13, 2003
Messages
73,213
Purraise
9,851
Location
Mo(w)gli Monster's Lair
My condolences. It's difficult enough to lose a longtime companion whose body has worn out, but to lose a young one to a tragic accident is devastating. RIP, babies. :rbheart:
 

blueyedgirl5946

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Sep 10, 2005
Messages
14,593
Purraise
1,695
I did read everything you wrote. I am so sorry you lost both your cats and I hope you can find peace. What happened to your young cat was an accident and I hope you can get beyond the guilt. It was not your fault. Your cat had a wonderful home and knew how much he was loved.
 

riley1

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
788
Purraise
196
Location
Greendale, Wi
I am very sorry for your loss.  How sad.  In Jan. I had to put my beloved little boy to sleep.  Prior to this I had several conversations with him thru an animal communicator.  She said that their spirit leaves their bodies awhile before they die to spare them discomfort.  Don't know if you are a believe,r but I hope this helps!  Just think of him on the other side playing in the sunshine; looking at you & wishing you were not in pain.
 

angels mommy

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 5, 2011
Messages
6,899
Purraise
6,906
Location
Wilmington,NC
I too read your whole post, & am so sorry for your loss, like everyone has said, you were not at fault. You couldn't have known. I also think Dalimlil 18 had a good suggestion for you to write. It will make you feel better.

You can write you & your kitty's story. How he came into your life, how you loved him, & will always be a special part of your heart. 
 

I will pray for you.   

Here is a link to the story I wrote about Angel & I. Maybe it will help you get started with yours.  
 

http://www.thecatsite.com/a/how-angel-adopted-me-our-story
 

mnm

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
May 21, 2007
Messages
966
Purraise
660
Location
Phoenix
I'm so sorry..I too read your post and as hard as it is... we never know how long we have to love on our furbabies...but you definitely made a huge impact on yours...that's what we set out to do... bless you as you go through this sad time... it will get better...and you will be able to smile at the cute memories ..
 

seaturtle

TCS Member
Adult Cat
Joined
Jun 27, 2007
Messages
196
Purraise
10
Location
VT
How painful that is. I lost a little kitten years ago because I was not careful enough around the house, won't go into details, but like you, I still can go into periods of guilt and awful pain over that. Only thing that comforted me was to hear from many others about accidents, especially with small ones, that we could have prevents *if we knew about it* . We're not to blame for things like that, god knows, it was not intentional or anticipated.

I don't feel I am saying anything useful (but there's so little to be said when that happens to us). Just that I've been there and often still am, in my mind, and my heart truly goes out to you.

And the loss of the older cat - this is doubly painful for you. Arms around you in spirit.
 

shovetheholly

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Jan 13, 2015
Messages
19
Purraise
9
Oh, you poor love. That is such a lot to go through in a short time.  

I wanted to say that I understand that you feel guilty now, but that what happened wasn't your fault.  It was an awful, horrible accident.  Some kittens are just very prone to getting themselves into trouble, and sadly there is very little you can do to protect them from all of the things that can be hazards.  The only way to be certain would have been to lock your poor baby up in a cage all day, and he would have hated that.  

I also wanted to say that if you google the 'seven stages of grief', you will see that guilt is a part of the process of coping with a death. Last week, I had to put down my poor darling cat, who had been with me for 10 years, because he had terminal cancer and couldn't breathe.  You would think that decision would feel quite clear-cut, but it didn't at all.  I still think 'what if I'd left him alone - maybe he'd have got better', even though I know rationally that this would not have happened and he would have suffered.  The guilt that you feel is not a 'sign' that you did anything wrong, but rather part of the feeling of grief and loss that you are going through.  We want to protect our little loves from everything, but at the end of the day, we can't do that.
 

elsasmom

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Mar 15, 2015
Messages
17
Purraise
7
Location
Southern Indiana
Dizzie, I am so very sorry for your loss.  Only another cat lover or pet lover of any kind understands the level of pain you are in.  I agree you had years of memories to make together and I can only imagine how cheated you must feel. 
How about making a donation to your local shelter in memory of Dizzie??  I have done this in the past and it doesn't bring them back, nothing is going to do that but it would maybe be putting a positive on a very sad situation. 

And I fully understand your guilt.  We all make mistakes; my mother told me once that is why they put erasers on pencils. 

I lost two of my cats within 36 hours.  One was having ear surgery and cancer was discovered; cancer throughout her ear canal and into her jaw bone so while she was still out, I gave our vet permission to send her to the Bridge.  And the next day our Flame-Point Siamese Mr. Bill had to be sent on his way to the Bridge due to a heart problem.  It hurts, it hurts like HE**LL and I kept wondering to myself did I miss something, something I should have done, something I didn't do.  You can drive yourself bonkers second guessing yourself so if you can, stop.  

Look at it this way, your gave Kitty 14 years of happiness.  Unfortunately you and your Siamese boy only had a few months together but as with all things, quality over quaintly.   

Prayers for your aching heart.  May both your fur-babies return to you in your dreams giving your whiskery kisses.

~Elsa'sMom
 

pharber-murphy

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jul 17, 2014
Messages
323
Purraise
79
I am so sorry to read about your double loss, Dizzie. It is tough to put down an older cat (Mr. Grimsby was 15+ when I put him to sleep last Friday). I can't imagine how difficult it would be to lose a kitten, though.

He sounds like one of the most amazing cats ever put on this earth, and you must have had a wonderful relationship. He didn't mean to leave you so soon, and you couldn't have done anything to prevent it. You're only human, after all. It is probably difficult to do now, but focus your mind on the good times you had with your little fellow. And, as Dalimili suggests, write it down. You already know from posting here that it helps to heal the gaping wound.

Our thoughts are with you. We wish you love, and peace and happiness.

Best regards,

Phyllis
 
Top