Lost My Buddy, So Many Questions

[satooty]

Hi. I lost my little buddy of 16 years, Meph, last night. I am just broken, and I have so many questions. Please, help me understand if you are able.
*Warning* This is a detailed description of my loss to help everyone understand my questions.
A few years ago, we lost the last cat that Meph had grown up with. He didn't like her much, but he also didn't like being alone. We eventually got another cat to help us all heal, but he liked her even less. He was old at that time. He had always been frail, and now he just seemed tired. That's when we decided we wouldn't put him through anything overly traumatic just to increase his life-span. It seemed like it would be cruel.
In October, his vet said he was in good health, but his heart was a little slow and the rhythm was off. A cardiologist would be $500 and although we have it, we're struggling to find a way to retire and pay medical bills and still live. Also, my guy was a finicky eater and hated being forced to do anything. It was hard enough for him to trust humans without us torturing him on a daily basis. We decided to wait and see if it got worse. Keeping with our earlier decision, we weren't in favor of putting him through any excess trauma.
Then, around Monday this week he suddenly got lethargic and stopped moving around as much. He ate and poddied, but only had one or two bowl movements through the week and didn't come to find me anymore. He would always sit with me while I watched TV, lay down with me for a while when I went to bed, and lay with me after I woke up but hadn't gotten out of bed yet. That all stopped. He sneezed a little and white mucus would come out. He also huffed a lot. Like he was trying to cough but couldn't.
Last night the vet said it was probably his heart. It would take thousands of dollars, 2-3 days in a hospital, and aggressive treatment to keep him alive. He may or may not make it, and he may or may not have any quality of life. That sounded horrific and I couldn't do it to him. The vet also strongly advised against it and recommended euthanasia instead. If I did not put him to sleep it was likely that he would suffocate at home, they said.
I always put quality of life first above longevity for my cats. I debated for almost 45 minutes before deciding to let him rest.
1. I wonder if it was really his heart. The vet seemed sure, but now our other cat is hoarse today. 1.1: Could it have been pneumonia? 1.2: Would his chances really have been any better if it was pneumonia? He was always a thin, frail cat. I'm not sure he could have survived either way. He had lost all his energy and was not able to support himself even. Please be honest here. Was I rash? Or was it the best thing for him given his frailness? 1.3: Would the answer be different if he were younger and healthier? I may need to make this decision for another cat someday.
2. I hear that if it was a heart problem and we saw the cardiologist they would have prescribed daily medications. I also really think daily medications would have upset him and made him unhappy. It seemed traumatic for him, which we were trying to avoid. Plus, I'm reading from some vets that they don't see a significant difference in the outcomes of cats with heart problems who take the medicines versus those who don't. It also might have cost a fortune since I hear you can spend over $100 a month on those types of medicines, plus expensive visits with the cardiologist every few months. So, if I had taken him to the vet more regularly and caught it sooner, and come up with the money, and forced him to take medications... What do all of you think? 2.1: Would it have given him more time, and would it have been quality time for him? 2.2: Is the lesson that I should learn that I need to be more vigilant and my babies can still have a high quality of life if I try hard enough, or is it that I have to expect shorter lifespans if I want my babys' quality of life to be high? 2.3: Now I wonder if it is unfair to say I won't force an old cat to take medicines and go to vets often, all of which he hated, just because he doesn't have much time left. It seemed like I was being kind, giving him more comfort (quality of life) even though I knew it would hurt me more to lose him sooner. Was it crueler to him to shorten his life in the hopes that he would be happier even though I have no solid proof that he was happier?
I think this post is already too long, so I'll save my other questions for later. Thank you for reading this very long post.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello
It is incredibly challenging for any caretaker to make the determination of quality of life, versus duration of that life.

It is also nearly impossible to know if a cat has lived the life it did and had the health or illness it did because of genetics or possibly environment (unsafe water for example, --or the environment that the mother was in while pregnant).

What we CAN do, is research, talk with our vet, utilize a site like this (well, there aren't any other sites like this where cats and their health are paramount), use facebook groups for pancreatitis, kidney and cancer diseases as well as websites specific to those feline illnesses, and armed with as much knowledge as we can collect, then do the best we are able to do.

You, in my opinion, showed enormous strength and courage to let your baby go, with love and compassion that knew no bounds.

RIP sweetheart baby Meph. You are now in a place of endless sunshine and peace

 

[les26]

I can't say for sure a lot about if your decisions were good or bad but you did what you thought was best for him and obviously cared very much for him and that's what it is all about. You knew him and how he would react to certain meds and saw what his life was like and would've been like and you made the best choices you could at the time and that's all anyone can do. He is just fine now, no more health issues but I am sure you will miss him dearly but you will see him again one day and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry for your loss, I hope your hearts heal a bit more each day, God Bless.....

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

I am so sorry to hear of your loss of Meph - but I think you knew what might cause him stress or fear (doctors, meds, vet visits) and did a brave thing to ease the way for him, with your decision. It cannot have been easy.

My last cat I lost when she was nearly 15 yrs old, close to the age of your own cat. She had a variety of things that developed for her in her final years and I gained the belief that it may never be just one thing that causes the decline (like with your thinking that maybe it was only a heart issue). Perhaps he had a few health issues, and the effects of them started to "snowball" a little? Many organs in older bodies just wear down and it can happen fairly rapidly. Trying to put a cat through a process of diagnosing all of the possible issues it may have in old age is near impossible, and very stressful to all involved. If it were me, I would have decided as you decided, I think, in putting him to rest -- although both forks in the road of how to deal with this are loving positions to take.

RIP Meph - my heart goes out to you, S satooty .

 

[di and bob]

Your precious little one was 16 years old. A good long life for a cat, but there comes a time when the body just starts failing, and like with humans, they have to die of something. To wait until the body just succumbs to organ failure is cruel and prolongs the inevitable.
You are grieving right now and with that comes all the second guessing and should haves,could haves. To prolong the life of a frail, suffering being is not how life is supposed to end. Modern science is exceptional in many things but to keep a living creature alive and suffering without a permanent cure, and no joy to be found in living, is not what any of us have in mind.
Your boy ended up avoiding you at the end, his habits changed, I believe they are trying to prepare us for when they depart, a final gift of love. To put a frail, scared, senior cat though all the tests, the prodding, the medications is just not a good way to have the end of life come in my opinion. Somehow you found in your heart the mercy to end the suffering through your love, and he knows that.
He offers you his legacy of love and would want nothing more than for you to perpetuate it and allow it to grow by sharing it with others.
He will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Their love builds a bond with your soul over the years that can never be taken from you, he lives on through that bond, through you now. He would never want to be the one to cause you such pain, because that is what love is, wanting only joy and happiness for the ones we love, and wanting them to go through life just as we would want if we were the first to go.
Try not to dwell on his end. It changes nothing and only brings heartache. There is never any right or wrong on matters like this, there is only your love to guide you through it. His life is infinitely more important and precious, don't let his death take on more importance than that life. Let your memories of happier times bring you comfort, I I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers and that your heart heals over time by taking one day at a time......
RIP beautiful Meph. You will never be forgotten, you will forever hold a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Meph, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

I am inclined, given his history, to think that this was his heart. However, given his age, even had it been pneumonia, the outcome may have been the same. There is a reason that in medical circles, pneumonia is often referred to as "The Old Man's Friend." I believe that you acted in all ways in Meph's best interests, and that he loved you and blessed you for easing his way from one Adventure into the Next Great Adventure. Rest easy, you did well. Even at the cost of your own heart, you did well by your friend.

 

[Leomc123]

Satooty i feel you, i was told by the vet to put my cat down and was told that surgery would make him better at a 1% chance. Surgery was $10000 in Australia to repair his spine if that was the issue that was causing him to lose the ability to walk even though he could feel his paws. When leo first started limping i knew this would ended up where i didnt want it to go. I am not that rich and the vets here cost a fortune for just a simple visit. On just three visits i spent $2500 including medication that still didnt tell me what was wrong with him. So in the 4 months that he was still alive he was suffering in pain, and the pain meds were kind of working, but i couldn't tell at times, he would walk with no problems then on the 4th month he became incontinent and was dragging and scraping his legs on the floor.

The night that i took him to the vet which said i may have to put him down either in a week or maybe 6 months but he didn't know when, but said leo was deteriorating , for 4 months i was looking for ways to make leo to stay with me, i was researching cat incontinent pads, watching videos of how people look after disabled cats, searching forums, x rays of other cats with similar symptoms, researching medical vet sites, researching medication for pain. I even made leo a wheelchair in the 2nd month hoping that i would get him to use it to so he could move around. I made him a balance board to help strengthen his back legs which never got used, i did physio with him, gave him pain meds, herbal tablets, massages, heat pads, change his food to get him not to be constipated anymore, i even considered to get a $10000 vet loan going on to websites . But three days after thinking long and hard about it as in Leos quality of life it would be poor, he would be suffering and he wouldn't be able to tell me and maybe even if he did walk a little after surgery it wouldn't be too long before he would be back at square one and to me that wasn't fair for him to suffer because i wanted him around longer. I took a video and photo of him 15 days before i put him down and when i look at it, i can see that even though he was sitting on my lap i thought he was happy when i was patting him, i thought he was comfortable, but in the video he looked miserable, he didn't meow in the video he was just sitting on my lap but he looked so sad and miserable and i didn't see that. I just kept thinking he was ok, but he wasn't, but i see that now

 

[NY cat man]

S satooty and Leomc123 , the decision to end a pet's life is never an easy one, and rightfully so. We assume an awesome responsibility when we bring a pet into our homes, and our lives, and the responsibility is even greater at the end.
Michele, my wife, and I have lost 2 cats. Spooky, the first, left us no choice. He was 22 years old when one day he climbed onto the bed with Michele, lay down next to her and started purring as she petted, then gave a little shiver, and was gone.
With Velcro, it was different. He had cancer, and his odds for recovery was zero. We could have prolonged his life, but at what cost to HIM? Sometimes we have to ask ourselves this question: Which is the greater love- to keep up a pet's existence, or to release it from It's pain and suffering? It has been 9 years since we put Velcro to sleep, and I still ask myself that question. I believe you both did the right thing for your pets, if that gives you any comfort, and you still have memories of the good times, even as we have those of Spooky and Velcro.

 

[satooty]

Thank you, Furballsmom , les26 , PushPurrCatPaws , di and bob , Mamanyt1953 , Leomc123 , and N NY cat man for all of your responses and stories. I see now that there aren't really any completely right answers, just the best answers we can come up with given our knowledge and the particular situation. Thank you all for helping me verify that I did the best thing for him. You've all helped a lot.

 

[Furballsmom]

 

[Mamanyt1953]

My heart with yours.

 

[NY cat man]

Thank you, Furballsmom , les26 , PushPurrCatPaws , di and bob , Mamanyt1953 , Leomc123 , and N NY cat man for all of your responses and stories. I see now that there aren't really any completely right answers, just the best answers we can come up with given our knowledge and the particular situation. Thank you all for helping me verify that I did the best thing for him. You've all helped a lot.

That's what all of us are here for. Please don't hesitate to post , for anything at all.

 

[di and bob]

Trying to comfort others here brings about a small comfort to ourselves too. It helps with our own grieving process to be there for others and let them know they are not alone....

 

[les26]

Satooty i feel you, i was told by the vet to put my cat down and was told that surgery would make him better at a 1% chance. Surgery was $10000 in Australia to repair his spine if that was the issue that was causing him to lose the ability to walk even though he could feel his paws. When leo first started limping i knew this would ended up where i didnt want it to go. I am not that rich and the vets here cost a fortune for just a simple visit. On just three visits i spent $2500 including medication that still didnt tell me what was wrong with him. So in the 4 months that he was still alive he was suffering in pain, and the pain meds were kind of working, but i couldn't tell at times, he would walk with no problems then on the 4th month he became incontinent and was dragging and scraping his legs on the floor.

The night that i took him to the vet which said i may have to put him down either in a week or maybe 6 months but he didn't know when, but said leo was deteriorating , for 4 months i was looking for ways to make leo to stay with me, i was researching cat incontinent pads, watching videos of how people look after disabled cats, searching forums, x rays of other cats with similar symptoms, researching medical vet sites, researching medication for pain. I even made leo a wheelchair in the 2nd month hoping that i would get him to use it to so he could move around. I made him a balance board to help strengthen his back legs which never got used, i did physio with him, gave him pain meds, herbal tablets, massages, heat pads, change his food to get him not to be constipated anymore, i even considered to get a $10000 vet loan going on to websites . But three days after thinking long and hard about it as in Leos quality of life it would be poor, he would be suffering and he wouldn't be able to tell me and maybe even if he did walk a little after surgery it wouldn't be too long before he would be back at square one and to me that wasn't fair for him to suffer because i wanted him around longer. I took a video and photo of him 15 days before i put him down and when i look at it, i can see that even though he was sitting on my lap i thought he was happy when i was patting him, i thought he was comfortable, but in the video he looked miserable, he didn't meow in the video he was just sitting on my lap but he looked so sad and miserable and i didn't see that. I just kept thinking he was ok, but he wasn't, but i see that now

I am so sorry that you and Leo had to endure this, but you went WAY BEYOND what most people would have done to try to help him so you were a wonderful mommy to him!!! I also wanted to tell you years ago we had a similar situation, one Winter morning Deb woke up and saw that Sassy was just sitting up, she couldn't use her back legs, so we raced her off on a Sunday to the Emergency vet clinic and they determined she had herniated discs, if we operated they said she had a 60% chance of walking again so we did it, and we did therapy and water therapy and had to change her little diapers and kept hoping and praying that she would walk again but she didn't, after 6 months they said she wasn't going to get any better so we made the decision to put her down, and it was horrible going through all of that, but she passed in seconds after they injected her so she was ready to go. My wife Deb said that will bother her until she dies that we did that to her, but I keep trying to tell her that we did it in hopes she would walk again, if I couldn't walk and they told me I had a 60% chance to walk again if they operated I would do it too, but it just wasn't meant to be. So you spared him and you a lot more heartache and pain, it was so tough what you did but more would've been worse.

It's so horrible when things like this happen to them, for them and also for us, but we make the best choice with what we have to deal with at the time.

 

[di and bob]

I wonder if it would help Deb to know that Sassy would not want to continue on, never running, never jumping, wearing diapers for the rest of her life? To give her a chance, no matter how small was all she could ever ask for, but when all hope is exhausted, do what is right for Sassy, and I know in my heart you did......

 

[les26]

I wonder if it would help Deb to know that Sassy would not want to continue on, never running, never jumping, wearing diapers for the rest of her life? To give her a chance, no matter how small was all she could ever ask for, but when all hope is exhausted, do what is right for Sassy, and I know in my heart you did......

She regrets that we didn't just put her down instead of operating, but we had no way to know if it would have worked or not unless we tried. No matter what I say to her I know I'll never change her thoughts about it....