Lost My Boy A Month Ago, Still In So Much Pain, Help?

[Phantron]

Hi everyone, I made my account here to ask about my precious boy who was taken from me nearly 5 weeks ago at only 8 years old, my wonderful Paulo who was my first and only soul cat. At the time, no one could figure out why he was acting so strange. We did a CT scan and discovered a brain tumor, and he never woke up from that procedure. He waited until I knew for sure that it was OK to let him go, and then made the decision for me.

I had him cremated, but I actually did not pick up the ashes until this weekend. I got his ashes, two clay pawprints, a noseprint, and a lock of his fur. Bringing those items home has really caused a second surge of despair to overtake me. It just feels so final to have all of those things, to know that this is what has become of him, at least physically.

I know that the wonderful people here can understand somewhat of what I am going through, and I had some questions for people:

1) While I am still in a lot of pain, it has become easier over the past weeks for my grief to stand aside temporarily and let me be distracted by things like work or socializing. However, this leaves me feeling very guilty that the only times I can feel happy or live my life are when I am not thinking of Paulo. Has anyone else felt this guilt? How did you deal with it? I know logically that I should not feel bad for just living life but I do.

2) A related question, it makes me feel so guilty that I cannot think of Paulo without feeling pain. He was such a source of joy and love in my life, and it kills me that he is just the opposite right now, that thinking of him fills me with despair. I hate that I have to avoid thinking about him now, like I have abandoned him. How have others dealt with this, and about how long did it take for those feelings to pass to where it was possible to think of your lost friend and be more happy than sad?

3) How do you know when you are ready to allow another cat into your heart? Paulo left a brother behind, Yuki, who is very healthy and active. Yuki fortunately didn't stop eating or anything like that, but he has become much more needy, vocal and restless when I'm home. He is obviously bored and lonely. I wish I could get him another friend soon, but whenever I look at homeless cats, I just wish they were Paulo instead, and I know that isn't fair to them. I feel so bad for Yuki that he can't have another friend right now because of me.

I hope all of those questions make sense, sorry for the long ramble. Thank you again so much for this wonderful forum.

 

[Antonio65]

First off, I'm so sorry for the loss of your Paulo.

1) While I am still in a lot of pain, it has become easier over the past weeks for my grief to stand aside temporarily and let me be distracted by things like work or socializing. However, this leaves me feeling very guilty that the only times I can feel happy or live my life are when I am not thinking of Paulo. Has anyone else felt this guilt? How did you deal with it? I know logically that I should not feel bad for just living life but I do.

I feel just the same. Sometimes I do have some happy or light moments, but I feel sort of guilty for laughing while my Lola is not with me anymore.
I have to add, though, that these moments are few and far apart. Since I have lost my cat I can't feel the need or the urge to be happy or to do something I like. I have kind of lost interest in life and what happens around me.

2) A related question, it makes me feel so guilty that I cannot think of Paulo without feeling pain. He was such a source of joy and love in my life, and it kills me that he is just the opposite right now, that thinking of him fills me with despair. I hate that I have to avoid thinking about him now, like I have abandoned him. How have others dealt with this, and about how long did it take for those feelings to pass to where it was possible to think of your lost friend and be more happy than sad?

I have lost several cats, as you can see in my signature. I haven't reached it yet the point when I think of them without feeling sad, even after many years. No matter how hard I try, whenever I think or talk of them I feel my heart crush and tears come to my eyes. And I think of them everyday.

3) How do you know when you are ready to allow another cat into your heart?

When you're ready you'll find a cat across your path. The fate will tell you that you are ready.
My cats have always arrived sent by the fate. I never looked for them. I always thought that my Rainbow Bridge cats sent another cat when it was time for me to have them.
I always let things come naturally.

Take care.

 

[di and bob]

Grief always leaves behind feelings of survival guilt. How can we be happy when one so innocent, so important to us is dead?! Because what they want for us is to go forward, time waits for no one. What is in the past is firmly there, we will never lose our love and longing for those who stay there, but we will never lose those feelings of joy and happiness they brought to our lives either. It is up to us to bring the good feelings foremost into our lives and leave the pain and misery behind. Paulo would never want you to spend one minute in grief, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go, he wants you to find happiness and joy once more in your life and to remember what you shared to make it happen. I, too, lost all joy when I lost my little girl. But later, when I had time to think of the joy she grabbed from living, her zeal for simple things, like wrestling with a toy, her zany little zig zags through the house at full speed, her 'calling' that weird sound she made that always made me come running, to mythical babies to come share the toy'prey' she carried in her mouth, she would not want me to miss out on the pure joy of just being alive. No more then I would want her to spend her life in quietness and despair. It is not normal, it is existing , not living.
Time is the only thing that helps us to sort out our feelings, to learn a new life's order without our loved ones in our physical lives. But the spiritual bond you have with Paulo will NEVER leave you, it is a part of you, your souls are tied together as one until that day his new path will once more cross with yours. He is gone from your life, but never from your love.
Go ahead and open your heart to another little one, you'll know when the time is right. Love does not come when bid, it just happens. Like a parent with many children, you love each and every one as an individual, as unique and precious as a snowflake. They are a welcome distraction to a broken heart, let them fill your heart and home with laughter and good feelings once more. Do it in Paulo's name, he will guide you to find love once more. Keep busy, it is never good to dwell on the bad in our lives, you have to make a concentrated effort to keep from wallowing in that dark pit of grief. I am just now starting to pull myself out of that hole of darkness, to see that glimmer of light at the end of a long, dark road. I still feel my heart drop, and the tears sting, even five years later, but your grief is as strong as your love, and there is that one love that is as soul crushing as any you will experience. There is already one tragic death, don't make it worse by making it two. The death of all joy, of living to the fullest, of our happiness in life is as tragic as any physical death. Don't let it happen. As with anything in life, we have to work to achieve our potential. But work towards lifting yourself up, not dragging yourself down. Concentrate on Yuki now, and his needs. He is mourning too and needs you so very much. Paulo will never be loved less by you because you open your heart to another, he will gladly make room...... RIP little Paulo. Your comfort is needed at this time, please send what you can to calm a grieving soul and to let them know you will surround them with your love for eternity.May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Paulo, dream you deep. Your pawprints are in someone's heart forever.

I am so sorry that you lost your beloved cat. I so wish that something I could say would make some difference, but...honestly, it won't. Oh, it may later, but just now your grief is still raw, and not much will get through that.

As for your questions,

#1. Oh, yes. What you are experiencing is so very human, and so very normal. Somehow we tend to twist things in our minds so that we think that living our lives is a betrayal of the one who has gone ahead, rather than an affirmation of the joy that their love brought us. We think that we should be mourning that death always, rather than celebrating a life. I wonder sometimes if that doesn't hold those we love back from fully entering into the light that awaits. But most of us do go through that, and most of us feel that guilt when we are finally able to forget the pain for a little while.

#2. This is what worked for me. It was hard, and it took time, but became a tiny bit easier each time I did it. When that pain and guilt would come, I would allow myself to fall into it for just a few minutes, then I would force myself to remember some lovely moment, some sweet sound, some tender action. I would build it in my mind as clearly as I possibly could, and then think, "Oh...THERE you are! Only your body is gone. YOU are still here!"

#3. I can't tell you how you will know. Everyone's knowing is unique unto themselves. My own knowing was when I knew without words that this was utterly right. It had little to do with a feeling, the feeling was, "you aren't HIM, you can't be him," but the knowing that it was time, and it was THIS CAT was certain for me. I actually resented that a bit, I didn't know if I wanted to open myself up yet, but the knowledge was too strong to deny.

I'm sorry if my answers seem like non-answers, but it can be dreadfully hard to explain things of the spirit, and our dealings with loss are certainly that.

 

[Phantron]

Thanks to all of you, your words help a lot. Yes I don't think Paulo would want me to be sad. He loved me with all of his heart, I was the world to him. He would want me to love and care for myself as much as he did. Although I know that sometimes, being kind to oneself means taking it easy and not being hard on oneself for having an off day.

Facebook has this feature that shows you past posts of yours. Today it put up a picture I took of Paulo standing on his hind legs to get a better look in horrified fascination at my parents' Christmas tree. It was impossible not to smile, but thinking about how wonderful he was also reminds me of the wonderful friend I have lost and will never hold again. I am glad I took so many pictures of him though, they will be very nice to go through when I am ready to think about him. But right now they are very painful.

It is still hard to believe he's gone. It was all so fast and senseless. I am angry at the world for taking him from me so soon. I know no one can ever truly be ready to lose someone so close, but I thought I'd have so much more time.

 

[les26]

I am so sorry that you lost your little best friend, I understand how and what you are feeling. The grief and stress of it all can and will play MANY games with you both mentally and physically, it happened to me but I just let it happen and let the "poison" slowly purge out of my system, if you try to deny and supress it it will only make it worse and last longer and delay the healing, whatever you are feeling do it, sad, depressed, angry, better, just do it and let it flow, it takes a long time but eventually you WILL be able to deal with things again, it will still hurt and be in your mind but the sharpness of it will be duller.

I also remember feeling guilty when Simon passed in 2014 of stomach cancer, I remember as does Deb feeling "guilty" that we could eat but he couldn't at the end, but that was just the stress and guilt playing games with us and distorting things, and as time passed so did that thought and many other bad thoughts but it took some time.

And when the time comes, if it does, to give another deserving kitty a good home you will just know it, it will be easy to know when the time is right, you will see.

I am sorry that you lost your precious kitty, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day. Lord Bless you......

 

[cataan]

I too found this site after the death of my best friend.

Guilt -- well, I feel guilt because, had I not taken him to the vet, he would not have died. I can understand your situation, you don't want to allow yourself to experience joy because you feel it is a betrayal of your friend. But, please understand, you are not responsible for what happened to him, it was not your fault in any way. You may still be in a place where, emotionally, you are not ready to be happy, and that is natural. It takes time to get through that phase and you cannot rush it. Like me, you might never be 100% whole again. There is a piece of my heart that is forever gone and no one and nothing will ever bring it back. I accept that. The question for you is when will you accept the loss -- it doesn't mean you have to like it, but it does mean you will know that you cannot change what happened.

You cannot think of him without feeling pain. It's been 3-1/2 years since the death of my cat and I still feel sad and wistful when I think of him, which has been every single day since his death. Sometimes I cry, even after 3-1/2 years. The pain you feel is indicative of the love you had for him, so don't be ashamed of this. It shows that you opened your heart to him -- he wasn't simply a cat, he was a loved one. Be proud of yourself for caring so much for another.

I adopted another cat a few months after my boy's death. Part of me needed to see a black cat at my home, as though it would fill a void, another part of me felt I needed to save a life to make up for my cat's death, and another part wanted to get a friend for my remaining cat. You know, make something good come from something bad. I don't think I was actually ready, but adopted the new cat anyway, for these reasons. I love the one I adopted, but he in no way replaces my previous cat. He doesn't come close, he never will and was never intended to, and no cat in the future ever will. To me, adopting a cat is in large part about doing good, being kind, rather than being about me.

I want to reiterate one thing: you are not responsible for your cat's death. It was not your fault, so while it is natural to be sad about his death, don't punish yourself for it. You did what you could to help him, and that says very positive things about you.

 

[Lionheart22]

I'm in the same boat as you. It's been 8 months and I still cry a lot. She had cancer but she was still doing well, until she wasn't. It bugs me so much that I couldn't even enjoy her for the last two weeks of her life because she was declining and I was so upset. *hugs* to you.

 

[Antonio65]

I also remember feeling guilty when Simon passed in 2014 of stomach cancer, I remember as does Deb feeling "guilty" that we could eat but he couldn't at the end

I had these words in my mind for days. I didn't know whether to reply, to add something, to say my experience, that was just the same.
When my Lola was sick for her oral cancer and couldn't eat, chew, swallow, any longer, I couldn't stand the thought that I was eating and she couldn't.
Lola was always on my lap when I was eating, she would just sit on my lap and observe what was going on on the table. She was very polite. On some occasions she would show interest in some food.
I was feeling guilt because it seemed to me that I was showing her off that I was eating...

 

[Phantron]

Guilt -- well, I feel guilt because, had I not taken him to the vet, he would not have died. I can understand your situation, you don't want to allow yourself to experience joy because you feel it is a betrayal of your friend. But, please understand, you are not responsible for what happened to him, it was not your fault in any way. You may still be in a place where, emotionally, you are not ready to be happy, and that is natural. It takes time to get through that phase and you cannot rush it. Like me, you might never be 100% whole again. There is a piece of my heart that is forever gone and no one and nothing will ever bring it back. I accept that. The question for you is when will you accept the loss -- it doesn't mean you have to like it, but it does mean you will know that you cannot change what happened.

You cannot think of him without feeling pain. It's been 3-1/2 years since the death of my cat and I still feel sad and wistful when I think of him, which has been every single day since his death. Sometimes I cry, even after 3-1/2 years. The pain you feel is indicative of the love you had for him, so don't be ashamed of this. It shows that you opened your heart to him -- he wasn't simply a cat, he was a loved one. Be proud of yourself for caring so much for another.
....
I want to reiterate one thing: you are not responsible for your cat's death. It was not your fault, so while it is natural to be sad about his death, don't punish yourself for it. You did what you could to help him, and that says very positive things about you.

Yes I sometimes think about how much time he might have had had I not taken him to the vet that day. My vet actually called that Friday, and I didn't respond until Saturday, and that day they suggested taking him to the e-vet but at the time I thought they were being a bit dramatic and waited until Monday. So I accidentally bought him a couple more days that way, but his quality of life was dropping every day, so I am mostly glad I brought him in when I did. I think that if I had waited much longer that our last moments together would have been much less nice than they were. He might not have been able to meow me awake, or wobble over and accept pets, or purr with me. He might have forgotten who I was had I waited much longer and that would have been unbearable.

I think I am growing to accept that I'm not the same person anymore, that there will always be a little hole there where he was. I am just hoping that I will be able to eventually not feel the pain so intensely, and be able to love life and other people and other cats again. It is getting a little better day by day but it is still hard. The misery washes back over me as soon as I am alone.

I know that I'll always miss him and be sad that he's gone. I just hope that someday the pain of his death fades enough to where the happiness and love he brought me outshines it. I want to be able to look through his pictures and think of his stories and laugh and smile and only be a little sad. I want to be able to visit the Paulo in my mind and heart without the specter of his death ruining the party. Hopefully someday that will happen.

Thank you again. I think that just realizing my misplaced guilt has helped a bit. It just surprised me when I finally held his ashes.

I'm in the same boat as you. It's been 8 months and I still cry a lot. She had cancer but she was still doing well, until she wasn't. It bugs me so much that I couldn't even enjoy her for the last two weeks of her life because she was declining and I was so upset. *hugs* to you.

I too regret not spending a little more time with him when he was really declining. I think I was trying to distract myself from thinking about what was going on with him. Plus he was being withdrawn, so I wasn't sure if he wanted to see me much or not. But I did make some efforts in the last week or so to just sit with him on the floor and listen to a podcast. He didn't act like himself fully but he did come see me and accept some pets and sit with me. At the time I remember thinking that it felt like he wasn't all there anymore and I felt a bit resentful, and it made me feel guilty. But it wasn't either of our faults that he was in such a mental fog and couldn't walk well anymore. I'm sure he still enjoyed seeing me. But honestly I try not to think about him being sick too much, that's not who he was. He was still my Paulo inside, he just couldn't get out fully anymore and it wasn't his fault.