Lost My 17-Year-Old Girl

davine_chi

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I'm just reaching out here because I am finding I don't have a support group to deal with my loss. I live alone and I had to say goodbye my sweet Kleo of 17 years on Monday, the 27th.

I am still in shock, I think. The crying has been on-and-off, but not as 'Niagara Falls' as I expected which is alarming me. I've heard people say that one day it just hits them and they break down into a complete mess; their whole world comes crashing down. I have not had that happen to me yet. I just feel empty and dead inside, like I lack purpose now.

I live alone and have been working remotely since March of 2020. So she and I became even closer during this time, and it was great being so much closer to her so I could interact with her more and stay on top of any potential health issues.

Recently, she developed a range of symptoms which came and went, starting with a bloody sneeze in October and ending with a type of nasal/throat condition which physically prevented her from eating and inhaling properly (I think it's called 'nasoharyngeal stenosis'). This condition broke my heart, to see my hungry girl try to eat, but give up on it each time towards the end. That will haunt me for all time.

I cannot help but feel guilty for possibly having something to do with that, as I recall 'scruffing' her a bit in order to get her out from under the bed when I discovered her nose was still sneezing blood. That was a couple months ago. I freaked out when I saw that blood, and getting her out from under the bed is almost impossible with her hind claws. My version of scruffing was to only do it when she's laying on her side and then I can slide her a bit closer to me to get a better handle on her. I kick myself if this is all my fault...

Without an actual diagnosis, nobody knows what she had. I took her to 4 different vets over the last couple months due to all the different symptoms she had: the bloody sneezes turned into unproductive sneezes, turned into a runny nostril, which turned into a bunch of drooling during sleep, and finally the throat thing, all while she had this odd 'slurping' sound when eating and grooming. I put her on two different antibiotics and tried to steam-up the bathroom, but nothing was helping at all.

Was I too rough with her? Some vets suspect she may have developed some kind of internal nasal tumor. It's possible that the various technicians that handled her during her many visits could have exacerbated things. Some visits were all-day drop-offs due to the volume of appointments versus urgency. Her last visit was to the emergency vet and I also think they handled her too roughly, since the day after is when her breathing issue became audibly worse and presented as a snorting/snoring noise upon inhalation during movement and feeding. They sedated her to check for polyps, but found none. And I heard her screaming like a banshee from the other room while they shaved her arm and operated on her. She no longer wanted to be touched and the screaming must have just broke her. I nearly cried to hear her scream like that.

I am so broken right now and don't know what to do.

I've never lost anything this close to me and was always able to help her through any issue that came our way. She was all I had in life. I knew this day was coming sooner or later, but this happened so quickly I don't feel like I had time to react. It is so quiet and lifeless in my apartment. Dead. And it's killing me not having something to feed and take care of every day.

I'm not feeling well about any of this. I have no social life or social circle, and my family is estranged. I still haven't had any one-on-one conversation about this with anyone yet. I've scheduled a session with a pet loss support call for this Saturday, so I guess that's better than nothing. And I posted this here.

Sorry for all my rambling and thanks for reading if you got this far. I just need to vent and talk about it.
 

mrsgreenjeens

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I"m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, Kleo :hugs:. Please, please, please do not think you did anything to cause her death by scruffing her. I don't see how that could possibly have hurt her, but it is inevitable that when we lose a beloved cat, we need to blame something, so we blame ourselves.

I am so glad you have a session this Saturday with a Pet Loss Support Group. Hopefully they can help you not feel so lost without Kleo.
I know there are people here who use certain herbs for grief and hopefully they will be along short to tell you which ones. In the meantime, did you happen to see this thread? Thoughts For Grieving Cat Lovers

I have lost several animals throughout my lifetime, and can tell you that it never gets easier. But the adage that time heals all wounds is true. With time, the heart begins to heal somewhat. You never forget, but you start remembering the good things rather than the bad, like their ending.

As to why you haven't cried like Niagara Falls yet, who knows. My hubby was the same when his soul cat died. I was so afraid it was going to break him, and he still hasn't really cried hard. It's been several years now. The same thing happened when his father died. Then one day he was doing something that reminded him of his dad and the waterworks started. Years later! Every person is different so I wouldn't worry about why your haven't done that yet. Just take one day at a time for now and know we are here to "talk" to. We've all been through it, sadly.
 
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davine_chi

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I"m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, Kleo :hugs:. Please, please, please do not think you did anything to cause her death by scruffing her. I don't see how that could possibly have hurt her, but it is inevitable that when we lose a beloved cat, we need to blame something, so we blame ourselves.

I am so glad you have a session this Saturday with a Pet Loss Support Group. Hopefully they can help you not feel so lost without Kleo.
I know there are people here who use certain herbs for grief and hopefully they will be along short to tell you which ones. In the meantime, did you happen to see this thread? Thoughts For Grieving Cat Lovers

I have lost several animals throughout my lifetime, and can tell you that it never gets easier. But the adage that time heals all wounds is true. With time, the heart begins to heal somewhat. You never forget, but you start remembering the good things rather than the bad, like their ending.

As to why you haven't cried like Niagara Falls yet, who knows. My hubby was the same when his soul cat died. I was so afraid it was going to break him, and he still hasn't really cried hard. It's been several years now. The same thing happened when his father died. Then one day he was doing something that reminded him of his dad and the waterworks started. Years later! Every person is different so I wouldn't worry about why your haven't done that yet. Just take one day at a time for now and know we are here to "talk" to. We've all been through it, sadly.
Thank you mrsgreenjeens, for your kinds words and for all the resources you provided. And thanks in general for responding here, it is appreciated more than you know.

After reviewing my options, it became clear that going through with a diagnosis, treatment, and recovery for whatever was ailing her would be incredibly selfish, especially at her age. I'd be doing it only for myself. Additionally, she was in need of a few teeth extractions and a cleaning, and was developing what appeared to be a potential tumor on the dorsal side of her lungs on x-ray.

I would have regretted treating her for her throat issue because those areas are very difficult to diagnose and treat, especially if surgery is involved. So the most compassionate thing to do was to give her deliverance. That was my final act of love, no matter how bad it hurts.

The crappy part about all this was that she was an otherwise very healthy cat for her age. All it took was to affect her eating ability and that was enough. Makes me angry I couldn't help her.

I haven't been eating much at all lately, in fact today was the first day I had actual food in like two or so weeks since my girl started her downward spiral. And I felt guilty eating every single bite - why should I get to eat anything when she was unable to during her final days? Watching her stare at the various bowls of different foods I prepared for her, but unable to eat anything made me feel absolutely terrible and helpless. I even tried syringe-feeding her with some baby food (she would lick it off my finger) and eventually that became a no-go.

I miss her so bad and wanted to fix what was wrong, as I always had. And to steal just one more forehead kiss from her. Cats are such magnificent animals.

She was in my arms during her final moments. At some point in the last couple months she began growling and hissing at being picked up or held, which was not very 'like her' at all. After the sedative took hold, her entire body went to peace which reminded me how many bad days we've had lately. After the lethal dose it became very quiet and somber in my apartment. A candle at the window she used to sit and look out of is lit nightly to memorialize her.

I guess all I can do is take it day-by-day. I am grateful that this site and community exists.
 

Margot Lane

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17 is pretty good for a cat -that is 84 in human years- and what a sweet photo! Good on you that you are reaching out here & taking care of yourself w/ therapy…o would that they live forever (but they do in our hearts). It sounds as if you did everything you could, you certainly weren’t to blame for anything, and she passed in your arms, which is more than anyone could hope for. Short of being Dr. Doolittle, all we can do is our best, show up for them, every day, and you did that in spades. Keep the warm good things about her joyously close & the rest will with time pass. You two will always be one, no matter what happens. Deepest sympathies. 🐾
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm so sorry for your loss. But I have to say you have done nothing that could make things worse for your girl. The only thing you did was try to get answers for her, unfortunately as cat's age health issues happen and we can't always get those answers. So please be kind to yourself, grief is full of ifs and buts. You did all you could. Not everyone crys with grief there's a whole range of emotions that you can feel numb and at a loss are in there. My son was like that when we lost our boy but he didn't need to cry all the family knew he was hurting. Sending hugs:grouphug:we are here for you. RIP sweet Kleo :rbheart:
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Kleo, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

What a lovely, long life you gave her...but where there is love, an eternity is not long enough, is it? This is the deepest Truth I know...that love does not die, it is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. The part of Kleo that was her Love for you she now sends back to you, to walk with you down through all your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. This Truth does not depend on religion, it is part of the physics of the Universe, a Law not yet measured and understood, but there. I so understand how lonely and empty your home feels. I, also, live alone with my little cat, who is getting older (14 years now), and I can see the time coming when I must say goodbye to her. I, also, am estranged from my family, although my sons and I have recently begun to grow closer again, but they are 450 and 800 miles away, and busy with their lives. I, also, do not have a large circle of friends and associates, except for here...in many ways, TCS is my home and my family. You will grieve in your own time, and in your own way. Every person is different. Not wrong, only different.

I hope that when the rawness of this has past, you will consider adopting a cat in need, to honor your love for Kleo. And she, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, will dance for joy.
 

Norachan

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Oh hon, I'm so sorry.

:hugs:

This wasn't your fault at all. It sounds like she had a wonderful life with you, but she was just old and when people or animals get old things start to go wrong. I don't think anything you did made it worse. Of course you're going to go back over everything you did and try to find a reason to blame yourself. Finding a reason to blame yourself is part of the grieving process. We want to think there is something that we could have done differently, something that could have prevented our loved one from passing away. We don't like to think of ourselves as helpless before death, so it's easier to decide "This was my fault."

But the good news is you've found us and we all know exactly what this feels like. We're here for you and when the time is right you're going to adopt another cat and give him or her the same wonderful life you gave Kleo.
 

di and bob

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The horrible grief that takes over your life is responsible for all these feelings of anger, guilt, and all those should haves, could haves. Every one of us that has lost a loved one goes through a period when we doubt ourselves, our motives, our very existence. I think the reason you haven't cried like you thought you should is deep down you knew in your heart that she was at the end of her life, she had been through enough, and she was at the point she was existing, not really living.
I have gone through everything you have described, I actually yelled at my 17-year-old for falling off the counter, something I will regret and kick myself, for the rest of my life. I think the frustration, the anger at ourselves and the world for not being able to make things right, the feelings of utter helplessness make our brains clouded, not capable of thinking clearly or sanely at the moment. There was a period of YEARS when I wouldn't, couldn't, allow myself to enjoy anything in life. It took finally realizing that our loved ones would be horrified to know they were the reason for bringing so much pain. That they loved life so much, they lived every second they could to the fullest, and we should go forward into life living it as we would want for them to go on if we were the first to die. Not in perpetual sadness and grief, but knowing life is way too precious to spend it in any other way than in seeking its happiness, all the love we can, and living every minute to its fullest. That is what love is. That doesn't mean we shouldn't mourn and feel sad, After all, someone that was a huge part of our life and was very loved was taken away from us. It takes a long time to adjust to this, to make some kind of sense of it, to finally find a feeling of peace in knowing they are safe, and though they now follow a new path it will always parallel our own life's journey. Love is spiritual, so eternal. it can NEVER be taken from you. I always find a sense of calm when I think of the phrase, "Do not cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I came to this site to get comfort, and now I find comfort myself in trying to help others through this darkness. There is a light. As sure as the sun comes up tomorrow, your heart will heal in time. You never get over the loss, you somehow get through it. We are a testament to surviving loss, someday you will be too. You can accept the strength and love your little girl is sending you and send back your thanks and your everlasting love.
That precious baby was in your life for a reason, for you to have never known that sweet girl would have spared you this pain, but she brought so much to your life for so long it is unthinkable that you would have never shared what she gave you, her heart.......
My heart goes out to you. Do something that would make you feel better about yourself, give a small donation of cat food and litter to your local Humane Society. I have paid for the cat that has been there the longest to be adopted every year since I lost my own little girl. For almost 10 years now. I do it in her name. You never know, you might have another little one sent to you by your Kleo. Her love is secure in your soul, any new loves can never replace hers, they can even make it stronger by bringing happiness to your heart which in turn brings happiness to her. she lives on through you now. Sometimes the routine of caring for other little ones forces us to center ourselves in the midst of our grief. Anchors us back to the world that keeps on going though it has stood still for us. Don't be so blinded by grief you don't feel what your little girl is sending you, her eternal love and devotion. A cat's love is one of this life's greatest treasures......RIP precious Kleo. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again.
 
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davine_chi

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17 is pretty good for a cat -that is 84 in human years- and what a sweet photo! Good on you that you are reaching out here & taking care of yourself w/ therapy…o would that they live forever (but they do in our hearts). It sounds as if you did everything you could, you certainly weren’t to blame for anything, and she passed in your arms, which is more than anyone could hope for. Short of being Dr. Doolittle, all we can do is our best, show up for them, every day, and you did that in spades. Keep the warm good things about her joyously close & the rest will with time pass. You two will always be one, no matter what happens. Deepest sympathies. 🐾
Thank you so much for your kind words. I thought I would never be strong enough to hold my girl during her final breaths, but I did it. A kind of peace came with that. She was safely in my arms until the end.
 
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davine_chi

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The horrible grief that takes over your life is responsible for all these feelings of anger, guilt, and all those should haves, could haves. Every one of us that has lost a loved one goes through a period when we doubt ourselves, our motives, our very existence. I think the reason you haven't cried like you thought you should is deep down you knew in your heart that she was at the end of her life, she had been through enough, and she was at the point she was existing, not really living.
I have gone through everything you have described, I actually yelled at my 17-year-old for falling off the counter, something I will regret and kick myself, for the rest of my life. I think the frustration, the anger at ourselves and the world for not being able to make things right, the feelings of utter helplessness make our brains clouded, not capable of thinking clearly or sanely at the moment. There was a period of YEARS when I wouldn't, couldn't, allow myself to enjoy anything in life. It took finally realizing that our loved ones would be horrified to know they were the reason for bringing so much pain. That they loved life so much, they lived every second they could to the fullest, and we should go forward into life living it as we would want for them to go on if we were the first to die. Not in perpetual sadness and grief, but knowing life is way too precious to spend it in any other way than in seeking its happiness, all the love we can, and living every minute to its fullest. That is what love is. That doesn't mean we shouldn't mourn and feel sad, After all, someone that was a huge part of our life and was very loved was taken away from us. It takes a long time to adjust to this, to make some kind of sense of it, to finally find a feeling of peace in knowing they are safe, and though they now follow a new path it will always parallel our own life's journey. Love is spiritual, so eternal. it can NEVER be taken from you. I always find a sense of calm when I think of the phrase, "Do not cry because it's over, smile because it happened." I came to this site to get comfort, and now I find comfort myself in trying to help others through this darkness. There is a light. As sure as the sun comes up tomorrow, your heart will heal in time. You never get over the loss, you somehow get through it. We are a testament to surviving loss, someday you will be too. You can accept the strength and love your little girl is sending you and send back your thanks and your everlasting love.
That precious baby was in your life for a reason, for you to have never known that sweet girl would have spared you this pain, but she brought so much to your life for so long it is unthinkable that you would have never shared what she gave you, her heart.......
My heart goes out to you. Do something that would make you feel better about yourself, give a small donation of cat food and litter to your local Humane Society. I have paid for the cat that has been there the longest to be adopted every year since I lost my own little girl. For almost 10 years now. I do it in her name. You never know, you might have another little one sent to you by your Kleo. Her love is secure in your soul, any new loves can never replace hers, they can even make it stronger by bringing happiness to your heart which in turn brings happiness to her. she lives on through you now. Sometimes the routine of caring for other little ones forces us to center ourselves in the midst of our grief. Anchors us back to the world that keeps on going though it has stood still for us. Don't be so blinded by grief you don't feel what your little girl is sending you, her eternal love and devotion. A cat's love is one of this life's greatest treasures......RIP precious Kleo. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again.
Thank you for offering such comforting words and kindness.

It's weird reflecting on her last moments in my arms. I knew it was the right decision to make, despite being so hard to do. That's an odd feeling for me, that kind of 'knowing'. That is compassion; that's why I did it, because I truly do love her enough to do this for her.

What you said about existing versus living is true, and I made a promise that I'd not let things get that bad before taking action. It still feels surreal, like I wake up each day thinking, "I can't believe she's actually gone."

She will always and forever be in my heart and mind.
 

Mia6

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I am very sorry about the loss of your girl. I know the boys at the Bridge are fighting over her as I write this. My Vincie girl
is very jealous of all the beautiful girls at the Bridge.

Please be kind to yourself...it's so difficult. Maybe go for a walk, watch a funny movie. Have an amazing cups of tea or coffee.

You've come to the right place as many of us have lost our babies.

Love,
Mia :hugs: :rbheart::grouphug:💖💞
 
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davine_chi

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Rest you gentle, Kleo, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

What a lovely, long life you gave her...but where there is love, an eternity is not long enough, is it? This is the deepest Truth I know...that love does not die, it is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. The part of Kleo that was her Love for you she now sends back to you, to walk with you down through all your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. This Truth does not depend on religion, it is part of the physics of the Universe, a Law not yet measured and understood, but there. I so understand how lonely and empty your home feels. I, also, live alone with my little cat, who is getting older (14 years now), and I can see the time coming when I must say goodbye to her. I, also, am estranged from my family, although my sons and I have recently begun to grow closer again, but they are 450 and 800 miles away, and busy with their lives. I, also, do not have a large circle of friends and associates, except for here...in many ways, TCS is my home and my family. You will grieve in your own time, and in your own way. Every person is different. Not wrong, only different.

I hope that when the rawness of this has past, you will consider adopting a cat in need, to honor your love for Kleo. And she, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, will dance for joy.
Thank you Mamanyt, it isn't easy to be so alone in the home like this. Not when a furry friend has always been here to keep company. The quietness is so unsettling at times, and when I look around expecting her to 'round a corner looking for food or play, it reminds me what I lost.

In time, if my situation allows for it, I will gladly accept a new friend into my life and carry the torch of care to another in need. But for now, I will take my time grieving my Kleo.
 
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