- Joined
- Aug 17, 2020
- Messages
- 11
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I'm just reaching out here because I am finding I don't have a support group to deal with my loss. I live alone and I had to say goodbye my sweet Kleo of 17 years on Monday, the 27th.
I am still in shock, I think. The crying has been on-and-off, but not as 'Niagara Falls' as I expected which is alarming me. I've heard people say that one day it just hits them and they break down into a complete mess; their whole world comes crashing down. I have not had that happen to me yet. I just feel empty and dead inside, like I lack purpose now.
I live alone and have been working remotely since March of 2020. So she and I became even closer during this time, and it was great being so much closer to her so I could interact with her more and stay on top of any potential health issues.
Recently, she developed a range of symptoms which came and went, starting with a bloody sneeze in October and ending with a type of nasal/throat condition which physically prevented her from eating and inhaling properly (I think it's called 'nasoharyngeal stenosis'). This condition broke my heart, to see my hungry girl try to eat, but give up on it each time towards the end. That will haunt me for all time.
I cannot help but feel guilty for possibly having something to do with that, as I recall 'scruffing' her a bit in order to get her out from under the bed when I discovered her nose was still sneezing blood. That was a couple months ago. I freaked out when I saw that blood, and getting her out from under the bed is almost impossible with her hind claws. My version of scruffing was to only do it when she's laying on her side and then I can slide her a bit closer to me to get a better handle on her. I kick myself if this is all my fault...
Without an actual diagnosis, nobody knows what she had. I took her to 4 different vets over the last couple months due to all the different symptoms she had: the bloody sneezes turned into unproductive sneezes, turned into a runny nostril, which turned into a bunch of drooling during sleep, and finally the throat thing, all while she had this odd 'slurping' sound when eating and grooming. I put her on two different antibiotics and tried to steam-up the bathroom, but nothing was helping at all.
Was I too rough with her? Some vets suspect she may have developed some kind of internal nasal tumor. It's possible that the various technicians that handled her during her many visits could have exacerbated things. Some visits were all-day drop-offs due to the volume of appointments versus urgency. Her last visit was to the emergency vet and I also think they handled her too roughly, since the day after is when her breathing issue became audibly worse and presented as a snorting/snoring noise upon inhalation during movement and feeding. They sedated her to check for polyps, but found none. And I heard her screaming like a banshee from the other room while they shaved her arm and operated on her. She no longer wanted to be touched and the screaming must have just broke her. I nearly cried to hear her scream like that.
I am so broken right now and don't know what to do.
I've never lost anything this close to me and was always able to help her through any issue that came our way. She was all I had in life. I knew this day was coming sooner or later, but this happened so quickly I don't feel like I had time to react. It is so quiet and lifeless in my apartment. Dead. And it's killing me not having something to feed and take care of every day.
I'm not feeling well about any of this. I have no social life or social circle, and my family is estranged. I still haven't had any one-on-one conversation about this with anyone yet. I've scheduled a session with a pet loss support call for this Saturday, so I guess that's better than nothing. And I posted this here.
Sorry for all my rambling and thanks for reading if you got this far. I just need to vent and talk about it.
I am still in shock, I think. The crying has been on-and-off, but not as 'Niagara Falls' as I expected which is alarming me. I've heard people say that one day it just hits them and they break down into a complete mess; their whole world comes crashing down. I have not had that happen to me yet. I just feel empty and dead inside, like I lack purpose now.
I live alone and have been working remotely since March of 2020. So she and I became even closer during this time, and it was great being so much closer to her so I could interact with her more and stay on top of any potential health issues.
Recently, she developed a range of symptoms which came and went, starting with a bloody sneeze in October and ending with a type of nasal/throat condition which physically prevented her from eating and inhaling properly (I think it's called 'nasoharyngeal stenosis'). This condition broke my heart, to see my hungry girl try to eat, but give up on it each time towards the end. That will haunt me for all time.
I cannot help but feel guilty for possibly having something to do with that, as I recall 'scruffing' her a bit in order to get her out from under the bed when I discovered her nose was still sneezing blood. That was a couple months ago. I freaked out when I saw that blood, and getting her out from under the bed is almost impossible with her hind claws. My version of scruffing was to only do it when she's laying on her side and then I can slide her a bit closer to me to get a better handle on her. I kick myself if this is all my fault...
Without an actual diagnosis, nobody knows what she had. I took her to 4 different vets over the last couple months due to all the different symptoms she had: the bloody sneezes turned into unproductive sneezes, turned into a runny nostril, which turned into a bunch of drooling during sleep, and finally the throat thing, all while she had this odd 'slurping' sound when eating and grooming. I put her on two different antibiotics and tried to steam-up the bathroom, but nothing was helping at all.
Was I too rough with her? Some vets suspect she may have developed some kind of internal nasal tumor. It's possible that the various technicians that handled her during her many visits could have exacerbated things. Some visits were all-day drop-offs due to the volume of appointments versus urgency. Her last visit was to the emergency vet and I also think they handled her too roughly, since the day after is when her breathing issue became audibly worse and presented as a snorting/snoring noise upon inhalation during movement and feeding. They sedated her to check for polyps, but found none. And I heard her screaming like a banshee from the other room while they shaved her arm and operated on her. She no longer wanted to be touched and the screaming must have just broke her. I nearly cried to hear her scream like that.
I am so broken right now and don't know what to do.
I've never lost anything this close to me and was always able to help her through any issue that came our way. She was all I had in life. I knew this day was coming sooner or later, but this happened so quickly I don't feel like I had time to react. It is so quiet and lifeless in my apartment. Dead. And it's killing me not having something to feed and take care of every day.
I'm not feeling well about any of this. I have no social life or social circle, and my family is estranged. I still haven't had any one-on-one conversation about this with anyone yet. I've scheduled a session with a pet loss support call for this Saturday, so I guess that's better than nothing. And I posted this here.
Sorry for all my rambling and thanks for reading if you got this far. I just need to vent and talk about it.