Losing Petey

[veronica00]

I lost my best buddy today, my 4 year old big bold beautiful black kitty, Petey. He was just a funny cat. I don't know how to explain it, he just made me laugh, hard. I have 2 other cats and a dog. Everyone in our home loved Petey. They don't all get along with each other (the other 2 cats) but everyone loved Petey. He was just a cat like that. He loved to eat, play, and sleep in the softest of dog beds.

He became sick at 2 years old with non-regenerative anemia. He miraculously began regenerating after a blood transfusion and I will never forget how grateful I was to get a second chance. Sometimes there is just a bond with certain animals that is stronger than others, Petey was that special bond.

I spent the next 2 years finding a better house so Petey could sit by the sliders' screen doors and enjoy fresh air, a bigger space and an open setting so he could sit at the top of the stairs and see everything. I would often tell the others "you have Petey to thank for this house" as he was my motivation to move to something better.

6 days ago Petey didn't come down to dinner. I went upstairs and got him out of bed and gently nudged him downstairs - that was my first red flag. The next day he seemed very tired and much less apetite. The day after that (Friday) I had a vet come to the house who told me to bring him to emergency room. He was admitted and spent 4 days in the ICU getting 2 blood transfusions and many meds and fluids.

He took a turn today, unable to breathe due to fluid in his lungs. The vet said the prognosis was grim and to come see him. I had been to visit him every night for 1-2 hours during the allotted 5-8pm visiting hours. He never looked too good but today he was suffering to get a breath. His head was hanging low and he did not want me near him. I knew I had to let go as he was suffering to breath also with open mouth breathing.

For me, it happened so fast it feels surreal. I look back on video footage from cameras in my house and it feels like he is still here, but he isn't. The actually euthenasia was not peaceful to me. I asked to have Petey on my lap and he was put there but tried to jump off when the first needle went in. Additionally, most nights I visited him he was pulling away from me. It is heartbreaking that my sweet soul best friend big little man seemed to not want me there and that this is my last memories of him.

Additionally, his brother is struggling and it pains me to watch this. But I have no energy or motivation to do anything but cry. After our miracle 2 years ago I spent all my energy trying to make Petey happy and give him the best life that he deserves, I just can't believe it was taken away so soon and quickly.

Has anyone else experienced their closely bonded loved one not wanting to be near you in the final days?

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Petey, dream you deep. You walk in your mama's heart forever.

Darlin, cats are as individual as people. Some of them want comforting when they don't feel well, others, like my own Hekitty, would rather just be left alone. I watch her carefully, because I know that if she were sick, she would isolate herself, so someday, I'll be going through what you have JUST gone through.

My heart is aching with yours.

 

[veronica00]

Thank you Mamanyt1953 he will indeed walk in my heart forever. He has inspired in me a love of cats that was never there before. He loved to shamelessly eat, purr, kneed, and sleep solidly on the beds of others. As much laughter and joy as he inspired over his 4 years is as many tears I am crying today for losing this precious soul.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Sweetie, think again. You haven't lost his precious soul, only his furry body. I believe that with all of my heart, that loves never dies, it only changes form, and those who leave this way of being before us are still with us.

 

[veronica00]

I hope you're right Mamanyt1953 that would be a great comfort. But right now I just feel emptiness.

 

[les26]

I'm so sorry for your loss, you did all you could for the little guy, 4 is so young to lose him but for some reason it was his time, but he is alive and well in the next life, and I'm sure that he didn't mean anything by not wanting to be close to you, when we are sick we do strange things, but I am sure that he loved you as much or more as you loved him, you did a wonderful thing for him and he thanks you for it.

I hope your heart heals more each day, God Bless.....

 

[neely]

Sometimes there is just a bond with certain animals that is stronger than others, Petey was that special bond.

I'm glad that Petey found you and the two of you shared something special. That is a true blessing. RIP sweet angel.

 

[di and bob]

There is always THE one, our soulmate, and Petey is yours. The connection you have with him is eternal, as all true love is, not even death can take it from you. It doesn't mean you don't love others, love has many facets, but like a mother with many children, each one is unique and precious.
You gave him all he ever wanted in life, your love and care, you give him all he needs right now, your love and the memories to keep him alive in your heart. Some cats withdraw at the end, they don't want us to remember them as they are right then, instinctively they want us to remember them as they were. They try not to bring their own suffering into the lives of the ones they love. I know one thing for sure though, he would never want you to live overlong with your grief. Love wants only happiness and sunshine for the ones we hold dear. Love is spiritual so will never die. Use the bond you formed with him to bring yourself comfort, celebrate having him in your life for the time you did. His new path will always follow yours, he will forever more sit at the top of the stairs and thank you for giving him the home you did.
Surround yourself with people who understand, it helps to release some of the pain you have pent up inside. Hang on to that brother, he is hurting too. Give him a kiss from me, I'll pray for you all. May you be blessed for having such a caring heart. Take care..........RIP beautiful Petey, you will always have a place in a loving heart,dearly missed and forever loved. Goodnight, sleep tight, ebony prince!

 

[veronica00]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. Unfortunately I don't have a support system of people who understand. I am looking for a therapist today. The pain and loss is so unbearable, I don't know how life will ever feel normal again.

 

[neely]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. Unfortunately I don't have a support system of people who understand.

We are your support system and even though we can't be there in person I'm sure everyone of us would love to listen and comfort you. I do hope you find the right therapist and he or she is helpful. Thinking of you.

 

[veronica00]

My letter to my love Petey.

Dear Petey,
From the moment I saw you in the shelter I knew you were special. Even though you were there with 2 other black kittens that looked similar, I knew you were different. I went to visit a couple of times on my lunch break and then adopted you the following Saturday. You were the cutest little munchkin. Nothing phased you. You loved the resident cat who hissed at you and you loved the 90 pound dog who did not intimidate you. When Fred would stand in the doorway to the kitchen, you would get up on your haunches and grab his cheeks with your front paws. I never did get a picture of that but I can see it in my mind as clear as day.

When I adopted a third cat you became his best bud. Even though you were the youngest of the 3, I always felt you were the leader. You were the center of our family. Everyone just loved you, because you were special. You loved to eat and occasionally I would have to take the dry food from you because you just would not stop. When you would hear a treat bag open, you would come bounding into the kitchen eagerly anticipating your treats. Since you are gone, I have not been able to open the treat bag, I know that isn't fair to your brother and sister, but I can't bear not hearing your 20 pound footfalls running into the kitchen to get your share, and probably part of theirs.

You got sick multiple times in your short 4 years. Twice that were minor issues, one of which required an overnight in the ER. They wanted to keep you longer so I went to visit you. At the beginning of the visit the vet tech said you were just not ready to go home. By the end, he changed his mind to see how you "perked up" when I was there. Nothing came of that illness, we do not know what caused it.

A year or so later you got very sick. I thought I was going to lose you. I never could have imagined my 2 year old beautiful boy would suddenly be receiving a blood transfusion with a diagnosis that you would probably die. I took you home and your brother Charlie sat by your side as did I. We loved you so much, you were the center of our world. And a miracle happened, you started generating your own red blood cells again. But my world was never the same. I knew at a moments notice you could fall very ill. I always worried about you. Maybe that is why I felt so bonded to you. I always watched you carefully.

We were gifted the miracle of 2 more years together. When I thought you would die the first time, I vowed you would not die in our 950 square foot cape with 4 animals and myself. I fixed up the house and prepared to move. I found a house I thought you would love. Three sets of sliders, completely open space with a 2 floor openness in the living room so you could sit at the top of the stairs and see everything. You inspired that motivation in me, a motivation I would never have had without you. Over the year you lived there with us, I know you loved that house. I would open the sliders and put one of your many beds there for you to watch the birds, squirrels and chipmunks while enjoying the breeze through your fur.

We also had a warm gas fireplace for the first time. I would light it every single night from October through May and you would sit there next to your brother and watch the flames until you fell asleep in the warmth. Saturday and Sunday mornings too. I have been so looking forward to lighting the fireplace again to see your comfort and contentment sitting there with Charlie. Now, I never want to light it again because you are not here to enjoy it.

When you got sick again a week ago, I wondered why I didn't catch it sooner. I knew you were acting oddly and I did have a vet examine you for a small hotspot, but I did not insist on a blood test. She said your gums looked very pink just 2 weeks ago so this happened very fast, but I still feel in my heart I should have insisted on a blood test and/or preventative measures. I was always worried for you but also in denial. I believed your prior sickness was a fluke and you would live a long life with us. I was wrong. I have an overwhelming feeling of having failed you. You spent 4 days in the ICU, this is not the way I wanted your last few days to be. I kept nagging the vet that I felt you would do better at home. Did we go to far with your treatment? Was it the steroids or the second transfusion that caused your little heart to begin to fail?

I visited you every night in that steel cage in a noisy, brightly lit, dog barking ICU. You were scared and confused and I hate myself for having you stay there. But I was afraid to take you away from your medical care. You ate for me every time I came to visit but the final night your breathing was difficult to watch. I tried talking softly to you, patting and scratching and just standing with you watching over you. You were so uncomfortable and I would have done anything to take your pain from you.

The next morning the vet told me about the fluid in your lungs and your heart failure. I knew our fight was over but was still in some denial. I rushed to see you, knowing you were uncomfortable and struggling to breathe. Your cone was off and your cage door open, probably because you had no energy to leave. Your head hung down and you were huddled into the corner of your cage. When you saw me you tried to move out of the cage as though asking that I take you home. I picked you up and held you close to my heart. You were uncomfortable and struggle to get away. I understood but it hurt my heart. You are the only one of my 3 cats who would ever let me pick them up. So I did so every once in a while just to hug and kiss you, because you'd let me.

You crawled into the back corner of the cage and began open mouth breathing. I panicked seeing you like that my sweet Petey. I paged your doctor and we agreed it was time. Your prognosis was grim, your little body had been through too much and could not fight back. You were brought to me in a swaddling blanket and put on my lap. Petey, I love you so very much. I am so sorry. There will be no more hurt, no more suffering I told you. You tried to jump off my lap when the first injection went in. Then you went limp. I put my face in your fur and smelled you. I gave you kisses all over your back, breathing out for you to feel the warmth like I have so often done before. Except you were gone.

The first time your anemia hit 2 years ago, once you were starting to feel better I remember you climbing onto my chest in bed and sleeping there. You were a big man at 20 lbs but it felt amazing, as though you were thanking me for helping you. That did not happen this time. I failed you.

I already miss you waiting for me outside the bathroom door in the morning when I first get up. Sometimes scratching impatiently. I miss sitting at the top of the stairs with you and giving you scratches until you woudl go bounding down the stairs into the kitchen, 2 paws at a time. I miss you going crazy every time I bring home a new toy, or we receive a meowbox. You had to be the first to try out everything, even taking it from your brother and sister if they got at it first. They didn't care, they knew.. you just loved fun.

I miss having to monitor feeding time because you will down your food and run around to your slower siblings and eat theirs too. I miss you kneading my leg and stomach as you lay next to me in the crevice of the couch and purring so loudly it sounded as though you were purring into a microphone. I miss that just on first touch, pat or scratch that purring motor would start without fail. I miss your deadpan expression, looking at me and making me laugh out loud because you are just so Petey, and I loved everything about you.

Now your sister, once very solitary who I was convinced would send you packing in a heartbeat is now clinging to be around me. She's not eating well and just clearly depressed. Your best buddy Charlie never wants to be alone and if he finds himself alone, he will cry so loudly I run to him to calm him down. He has not left my side, sleeping next to me every night since you've been gone. I never did get to bring you home which was my ultimate goal, I am so very sorry my biggest love Petey.

Petey, please watch over us, we need you. I cannot imagine ever feeling joy again without you. You were the center of our world and we do not know how to go on without you. Your life was cut short at 4 years, but I cannot remember life without you, and I'm not sure I'll ever adjust to it. You will always live in my heart, my big, beautiful man.

 

[neely]

What a perfectly wonderful and compassionate tribute to Petey. I felt as though I knew him too and couldn't help but cry as I read your words and touching thoughts. I am glad you wrote your feelings down and expressed your devotion to your precious boy. I'm sure he is looking down from the Bridge and is grateful for everything you did for him. His life would not have been the same without your love and affection.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

That was both heartbreaking and stunningly beautiful. Thank you for having the courage to share it with us. Petey now walks in my heart forever, as well.

 

[Antonio65]

I lost my best buddy today, my 4 year old big bold beautiful black kitty, Petey.

veronica00 ,
let me express my sympathy for the loss of your wonderful black Petey. He was handsome indeed!
You showed him a love that was greater than most of cats will ever know, you moved house only to make him happier and more comfortable. How many people would do that?
I'm sorry to read, though, that your last moments with him left you with a bitter taste because of him not wanting to be near you, but as others said some cats choose to face their last step on their own, just like Nature has decided for them thousands years ago.
This doesn't mean he didn't love you till the end, and this doesn't mean he's not loving you anymore. He just wanted to follow what Nature has planned for him.

I hope that you soon receive him in your dreams, where he will tell you that everything is fine and the bond between you both is still as strong as ever.

RIP Petey, you had the luck to know and live with a wonderful person!

 

[di and bob]

A beautiful tribute, your love shines forth. You were so very fortunate to have that sweet boy in your life. No, you will never lose that feeling of emptiness, but you will learn to live with it. Time is the only thing that helps to get your life back into some kind of order. Your grief is too new right now, too raw, to be rational.
You will go on, because you are alive and you have your two remaining babies who need you for comfort just as much as you need them. There is no way to undo the past, no matter how much we want to do so. Right now it is just one day at a time. Don't dwell on things that were beyond your control, and don't think of the future as dark, it is as you will make it. Just get thru each new day until time begins to heal that wounded heart. Do good things in his name, it will help you to feel a little better about yourself. Donate time or food and litter to a local shelter, pay for the adoption of a cat that has been there the longest, and do it all in Petey's name to bring honor to that name. Keep busy, dark thoughts bring nothing but pain, and you are too weak right now to avoid them One day in the future you WILL find joy again, don't ever find guilt in that, because it is as Petey would want for you. He was the center of your world and always will be, that won't change. He is looking after you, he will guide you through this loss because the love he feels for you will never die. Let his love fill your heart, let it replace the pain with the memories of happier times and the certainty that he will always be there for you for eternity.

 

[captiva]

What a sweet tribute to your Petey. I notice(d) that when my cats were ill or in a lot of pain, they hide. I know it's difficult to understand when we are trying our best to comfort and be near them. It's just their nature because they feel so vulnerable at that time. It sounds like Petey had a life full of love and no person or cat could ask for more. Remember the laughter he provided to you and let that heal the empty space in your heart.

 

[veronica00]

Thank you all. I am really plummeting into a downward spiral of guilt and sorrow. I continue to go over the last few weeks. I sensed something was off with him. I kept texting the traveling vet I use but she was not concerned.

What I can't come to terms with is .. WHY did I not just take him to ER? Was it such an overhwelming undertaking to do that? It would have been a lot less overwhelming than what we actually went through.

I look back to the footage on Wednesday night - 2 days before I took him to the ER. I have cams in my house. I see that I stood at the bottom of the stairs and called to him to come down to dinner. I was worried. But I was testing whether he would. WHY?!?

I went upstairs and nudged him off his bed, then carried him downstairs and he ate wet food. I guess I was satisfied for some reason. WHY?!?!

Had I taken him in at 7pm on Wed 8/31 instead of 3:30pm on Friday 9/1, he would have possibly survived. I cannot understand why I didn't do that!! I know I had work on my mind, a production issue I had to solve and fix. But WHY???? I killed him, it is my fault he is not here and I cannot function with this knowledge. When I see his brother crying and searching, it is MY fault, I killed him. I don't know how to cope.

 

[maggiedemi]

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is not your fault, you did your best, please don't blame yourself. If you feel like it, can you share with us what causes anemia? Are there ways to prevent it?

 

[les26]

A few years ago, my mother was not doing well, so I finally went over to see her and she was laying in bed almost hallucinating and sick, so I told my father we need to get her to a hospital and we did via ambulance, she perked up and was better soon, but I questioned "how did my father not see that, see that she was that bad?" Then in June my father had a mini stroke, and it was my mother who kept asking me "how did I not see this, how did I not see these signs?", and I guess the answer is sometimes we are too close to a situation to see things clearly, others from the outside can see them but not the one right in the middle of it, like the old saying "can't see the forest for the trees", you certainly were doing what you thought was best at the time, and to look back with guilt and blame yourself is clearly normal. Who is to say had you taken him earlier he would still have made it, he might have had to move on to the next life anyway even with vet care.

I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly, we all here hurt with you, and I pray with time you will come to terms with this, it takes time and love and we are all here for you. God Bless......

 

[veronica00]

Thank you les26 for sharing your story. He had vet care. He was in ICU from Friday through Tuesday morning getting meds and 2 transfusions which ultimately damaged his heart and filled his lungs with fluid.

Maybe he wouldn't have needed that second transfusion. The ICU vet tells me it is not my fault and Petey would have still likely responded badly to the steroids and first transfusion but I don't believe it.

I cannot believe after he almost died 2 years ago and I watch him so carefully. I buy special non-toxic soaps and cleaners, I monitor the litter box carefully and what he eats and drinks.

And yet, I was willing to overlook that he would not come down on his own Friday night. I thought he was being lazy, and comfy in his new fluffy bed. But instead, he was dying.