Long distance relationship

[rosiemac]

Going off that conversation you posted it sounds like she just wants to be friends

Like i said earlier, long distance relationships can work, but both partners have to make it work, but it sounds like doing the distance thing is not for her

I'll take my hat off to her though because she's being honest with you.

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Going off that conversation you posted it sounds like she just wants to be friends

Like i said earlier, long distance relationships can work, but both partners have to make it work, but it sounds like doing the distance thing is not for her

I'll take my hat off to her though because she's being honest with you.

Rosie, it isn't true.

I know when I need to admit when something's over, but trust me, I do have not a lot but a bit of self-confidence when it's about her, and she doesn't want us to stay friends.

She said the situation now is causing us to be "friends" but she does want me to come and be with her. She was very unsure on how things will be in the future and I know someone said saying "I don't know" means no, but she didn't express it in that way, I do know what she really meant when she said what she said.

The thing is that I have to wait before I be able to see her and I really hate this situation and I feel like I'm in prison since I cannot do what I really wanna do which is to see her.

Rosie, she told me 2 months ago she wants to get married with me, she always said I'm the only one for her, and she just couldn't stay with me and that's why she went into other ways but that was supposed to be temporary because I finally have the chance to see her, and right where it is, on the edge of it all, she's cracking up and saying she can't stand the fact we're not together, but I couldn't do anything, could I?

I just want to bring things back to where they were, it's possible, it's not a hard-case, I know that, I just need to know how to move on right, that's all, this is where I need the help with

 

[natalie_ca]

Take some good advice from someone who has been there! You can't make someone feel something for you that they don't feel. In other words you can't make someone love you no matter how desperately you want them to.

She is 17 years old and speaking as someone who was that age at one time, she's not ready to be in a steady long term committed relationship as intense as you would like. TBH neither are you.

She's telling you loud and clear that she wants to be friends but you are either not hearing her or not wanting to hear it.

I'm sorry to say but if you go you are in for more heart break than you already have. But you have also made up your mind that you are going no matter what anyone says, so I wish you much luck and I hope for your sake that it turns out the way you desperately hope and want it too.

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

She's telling you loud and clear that she wants to be friends but you are either not hearing her or not wanting to hear it.

Can I ask you please what is this statement based on? coz' I don't see on what you're basing this statement on....

Natalie, I know where things stand now, I don't want to force/make her love me, I know I can't - I got 10 freaking days, to wait before I'd be able to see her, and I know when we will see each other things will change, for sure! It would be for the better side or for the worse, but it will change!

Now I can't be without her (e.g. cannot not call her / email her) for 10 days, if you ask me to do so then I'd rather shoot myself (a figure of speech only)... I just want to know how to pass those days

What should I say on the phone? ask her how is she? would that make her feel better by not asking deep questions?

Should I send her a gift?

Why don't we focus on these questions? I don't like to discuss the idea of she wants us to remain friends because that isn't true.

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by arie85

Rosie, she told me 2 months ago she wants to get married with me, she always said I'm the only one for her, and she just couldn't stay with me and that's why she went into other ways but that was supposed to be temporary

Ok, believe me when i say i really don't want to burst your bubble, but, one minute she's telling you she wants to marry you, then the next minute she can't stay with you so you both part company, and now she's said this only 2 days ago..

Originally Posted by arie85

I had enough of this LD relationship and I'm not sure if it has a future, I really must be honest with you because the way it looks it's not working out.

You can't make anyone switch their feelings on to be like yours pumpkin if it's not there with them. Believe me, most of us have been where you are now so your not the first and sadly won't be the last.

I really think she's letting you down gently by what she's said, but i do believe she wants to stay friends

Lifes too short to pine over someone, and one day when your happily settled in a relationship you'll look back on this and wonder why you got yourself so upset by all of this

Originally Posted by arie85

I don't like to discuss the idea of she wants us to remain friends because that isn't true.

But that's what she said?

Originally Posted by arie85

"Arie, we can't ourselves boyfriend & girlfriend, and for now we're just friends.

 

[okuda]

Originally Posted by arie85

The way I see life is a bit different... My dream isn't a vacation in Vegas and to be honest I don't even see it as something attractive. For me my girlfriend (or 'friend' for now) is all I want now in my life, I've been through a lot with her... I tried to call her like 3 times yesterday (not every single minute but like every 3 hours) and she didn't answer me. I also sent an email, not too long but no reply, but I understand she's busy and under a lot of stress lately and I cannot help her while I'm here and she's there.

It's interesting to me how the conversation has turned in to what *I* want. How you see *your* life. You hit the nail on the head. She's your FRIEND.
The none answering of the phone calls and the emails ... if she was "she's cracking up and saying she can't stand the fact we're not together" don't you think you would have at least got a text saying "I'm really sorry hunny, I'm in the middle of something and I'll call you in a bit!!"?

Originally Posted by arie85

She was very unsure on how things will be in the future and I know someone said saying "I don't know" means no, but she didn't express it in that way, I do know what she really meant when she said what she said.

You are contradicting your thoughts here. You are saying she is very unsure of what she wants and you know when someone says "I don't know" it means no. But you know she didn't mean it? That makes no sense.
Also, of course she is unsure. She's a kid.

Originally Posted by arie85

she told me 2 months ago she wants to get married with me,

Two months ago she was saying this and now she's saying she wants to be friends. Does this not prove to you how fickle her mind is right now? And I don't want that to sound mean because I really don't mean it like that, but it's true. Ask the mother and father of any 17 year old!

The more and more you type the more it comes across as an obsession with her, and the more excuses you are making for her trying to convince your self that she does want this.

It's crystal clear to everyone else who has replied to you, all she wants is friends. People have been trying to tell you this and do not want to see you hurt, but the more they try and tell you the more you come out with "Do you think I should send her a gift, Do you think I should still go see her" as if it will fix it and make her instantly fall in love with you. If only it were that simple....

Someone else on here said obsession is not the basis to start a relationship on, That is so true.

If the relationship is this much effort to try and get started, this much effort to try and make her be with you .. if it did take off ... do you think it would last and be less heart ache down the road?

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but you are the responsible adult in this friendship and you need to take that role on.
At least she is being honest with you and not leading you on as many girls would, be thankful for that....
She is at a time when she needs friends and support in her life and should be worrying about school and her future carer. She is and for the next few years will live in the here and now. Try being there as a friend and support her that way rather then focusing on the next 50 years.

Love can be your best friend or your worst enemy ... You just got to have enough heart to keep going...

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

But that's what she said?

I'm a bad quoter.. "For now, the situation as it is, causing us to be only friends BECAUSE I can't date with you, I cannot go out with you, so how can I call you my boyfriend if I'm not with you?"

This IS NOT the exact quote but it's better than what I had given here before...

She never ever said "hey Arie, let's stay friends" - she always uses direct approach and never hangs around me or others, so that's why I know what I said...

I'm sorry if I had given a bad quote before which caused you to think that way... I'm not making a new quote or trying to convince me it's different, I simply give you the facts

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Okuda

It's interesting to me how the conversation has turned in to what *I* want. How you see *your* life. You hit the nail on the head. She's your FRIEND.
The none answering of the phone calls and the emails ... if she was "she's cracking up and saying she can't stand the fact we're not together" don't you think you would have at least got a text saying "I'm really sorry hunny, I'm in the middle of something and I'll call you in a bit!!"?



You are contradicting your thoughts here. You are saying she is very unsure of what she wants and you know when someone says "I don't know" it means no. But you know she didn't mean it? That makes no sense.
Also, of course she is unsure. She's a kid.


Two months ago she was saying this and now she's saying she wants to be friends. Does this not prove to you how fickle her mind is right now? And I don't want that to sound mean because I really don't mean it like that, but it's true. Ask the mother and father of any 17 year old!

The more and more you type the more it comes across as an obsession with her, and the more excuses you are making for her trying to convince your self that she does want this.

It's crystal clear to everyone else who has replied to you, all she wants is friends. People have been trying to tell you this and do not want to see you hurt, but the more they try and tell you the more you come out with "Do you think I should send her a gift, Do you think I should still go see her" as if it will fix it and make her instantly fall in love with you. If only it were that simple....

Someone else on here said obsession is not the basis to start a relationship on, That is so true.

If the relationship is this much effort to try and get started, this much effort to try and make her be with you .. if it did take off ... do you think it would last and be less heart ache down the road?

I'm sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but you are the responsible adult in this friendship and you need to take that role on.
At least she is being honest with you and not leading you on as many girls would, be thankful for that....
She is at a time when she needs friends and support in her life and should be worrying about school and her future carer. She is and for the next few years will live in the here and now. Try being there as a friend and support her that way rather then focusing on the next 50 years.

Love can be your best friend or your worst enemy ... You just got to have enough heart to keep going...

Okay, I know what obsession is, and I know what addiction is... let me do it this way, if you can answer me on these questions then I'd listen to you...

1) Why did she say she want me to come to be with her?
2) Why did she say there is a chance things would be better but she cannot make any decision while I'm here and she's there?
3) The story is pretty simple - she doesn't answer phone / emails because she doesn't want to. Other words - she doesn't want us to communicate the way we are anymore, she's tired of it - why relationship is dead because of that thing?
4) A friend can always get upgraded to be a boyfriend, right?
5) The million dollar question: Suppose you're right and we're currently friends, when I will come there - why don't you think things can go better? We're friends because we haven't seen each other, and as you mentioned she needs support in her life - now I can give it to her, so why not going (or "playing" if you call it a bet) on this option?

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by arie85

"For now, the situation as it is, causing us to be only friends BECAUSE I can't date with you, I cannot go out with you, so how can I call you my boyfriend if I'm not with you?"

Because i'm in the same situation with the distance thing, i don't call Gil my friend and neither does he. Were partners even though we don't see each other every week. But if he was to say i was his friend because i couldn't see him as much as he wanted to, then i'd be taking that as a hint that he doesn't want it to carry on?.

Can i ask how often you see each other?.

I've been seeing Gil now for nearly 2 years and he would love to move in with me, but because we don't see each other on a weekly basis i don't know him as well as i should, so that's one reason why i wouldn't have him moving in. He's moving closer hopefully next year and then i can see him every weekend, but until then?.

Originally Posted by arie85

she doesn't answer phone / emails because she doesn't want to

If Gil ignored my phone calls/e-mails i'd be telling him to take a hike!

We all have bad days, but i still don't ignore people, more so someone who's supposed to be my partner

 

[dragoriana]

This is a big load of tripe.

You call her up and ask her straight forward "do you want to be in a relationship with me or not? A simple yes or no. Because if you cannot make your mind up, i will not spend my days hanging around and waiting for an answer when we both could be doing something productive instead of wasting eachothers time with false promises and confusion"

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Because i'm in the same situation with the distance thing, i don't call Gil my friend and neither does he. Were partners even though we don't see each other every week. But if he was to say i was his friend because i couldn't see him as much as he wanted to, then i'd be taking that as a hint that he doesn't want it to carry on?.

Can i ask how often you see each other?.

I've been seeing Gil now for nearly 2 years and he would love to move in with me, but because we don't see each other on a weekly basis i don't know him as well as i should, so that's one reason why i wouldn't have him moving in. He's moving closer hopefully next year and then i can see him every weekend, but until then?.

If Gil ignored my phone calls/e-mails i'd be telling him to take a hike!

We all have bad days, but i still don't ignore people, more so someone who's supposed to be my partner

But hey hey.... look at what you said... I will make it bold if you don't mind...

Can i ask how often you see each other?.\\

BINGO!

We never had a chance to be together for a long time

March 2007 - been with her for 1 week
April 2007 - been with her for 3-4 days
end of July 2007 - she's been here in a trip, we've been together here & there, she was for 2 weeks here but I couldn't be with her all the times

October 2007 - finally my 1st chance to be with her for ever! I don't want to ruin it

I love her Rosie, this isn't on a weekly basis, now you understand maybe what's going on between us?

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Dragoriana

This is a big load of tripe.

You call her up and ask her straight forward "do you want to be in a relationship with me or not? A simple yes or no. Because if you cannot make your mind up, i will not spend my days hanging around and waiting for an answer when we both could be doing something productive instead of wasting eachothers time with false promises and confusion"

You think that's the way to do it?

 

[webchap]

you really are thinking about this too much! hell, you've got me thinking about this too much!

an example of your obsession, was when you answered to her:
"You really mean that? don't say it just to please me, I want you to be fully honest with me"

this is about her saying that she still would like you to visit, and dude (geez i can talk like an American lol, eh hem!, sorry, back to what i was saying) , you are questioning her like mad on whether or not she is telling the truth! the fact that your speech is like this with her shows how you are devaluing yourself.

seriously, all the advice thus far has been good quality, and i doubt anything new can be added. The hard part is getting yourself now to accept the advice and realise how things actually are, instead of gazing through those spectacles of yours, the ones with the obsessive filters!

stop treating this girl like she's some sort of goddess, some ultimate prize which you have to subjugate your dignity for!

the mind works by association, and it seems like she is the root of a lot of your associations at the moment, that is why you are dwelling on her so much! But you can change this; go try new hobbies, build new associations and enjoy yourself. It is the only way to stop yourself coming across as being so needy to her, which is devaluing yourself as a dating prospect for her (or any other woman) in the future.

oh yeah, and women lie a lot in dating, they have become exceedingly competent in this respect. They may not be flat out in your face lies, they can just be lying through omission.

oh one last, very important thing! don't ever fool yourself into thinking you can extract the truth from a woman! i told you already about the open-ended nature of their statements:
"maybe"
"i'll try"
"we'll see" etc......

men are very different, we have to be to keep business and commerce running smoothly. In the business world a man's word is worth a lot, if something is said, promised, it is carried out, our economies depend on this reliability - the business minded nature of men.

so it is natural for us men (as men generally know very little about women and dating) to assume that a woman's words have the same standing. very wrong conclusion!!!

women are like skilled politicians and can be particularly oblique when they speak. They do this for the same reasons as our skilled public servants - so that you cant hold them accountable!

ok, im gonna set you a task. Tonight/tomorrow night, to help get your mind off of her, you are going to go out with a friend and you are NOT going to talk even ONE word about her to this friend. Any time a thought of her enters your mind, you will immediately dismiss it, and re-focus your attention on something else (not necessarily the slim, sexy brunette sitting near by, althought this could be an interesting place to start!). Oh, and i must add in case she is your focus, dont focus on her for more than 3 seconds without either looking away or initiating some conversation, lest you freak her out!

Part 2 of the assignment is to talk to other people around esp clusters of women. Just be casual and talk about anything that enters your mind, and if you get bored of that then just move on to another venue with your friend!

good luck

webchap

 

[dragoriana]

Originally Posted by arie85

You think that's the way to do it?

I know if Tristan started ignoring me, and changing his mind about things and that it wasn't due to stress from work, i would be very worried, and want straight answers. You are wasting alot of time wondering and worrying, when you should get down to the core of it and ask your gf what is going on and where you stand. You can be a boyfriend that is a great friend, you cannot be a great friend who occasionally goes over for a little bit of fun and dont know where you stand.

You need to tell her, if not for her then for your own good, what stands in the future. Maybe you both need to take a break from eachother, or from relationships, and maybe further down the line you'll gravitate back towards eachother, or you'll realise you don't need to hang onto her.

If you look at everyone's replies here, we are all saying the same thing. She is young and confused, and you are desperately hanging on when you dont even know what is happening.

Please have a proper talk with her.

 

[okuda]

Originally Posted by arie85

Okay, I know what obsession is, and I know what addiction is... let me do it this way, if you can answer me on these questions then I'd listen to you...

Well if you realise what both of these things are I hope you realise you aer going through them.
I'm unsure of why you need me to re confirm these things for you when I have already answered them ... But sure...

1) Why did she say she want me to come to be with her?

Because she is trying to let you down gently. All through out this thread you have mentioned she has said she is not ready for commitment, she is unsure of what she wants. At the very start of this thread you mentioned you're worried about being a stranger in her home .. if you are that close why would you feel that? You said in one entry "We ain't breaking up." ... I'm sorry, but the fact you are just friends states you already have?

2) Why did she say there is a chance things would be better but she cannot make any decision while I'm here and she's there?

I've already answered this in my previous thread portions. She's 17 and does not know what she wants at the moment.

3) The story is pretty simple - she doesn't answer phone / emails because she doesn't want to. Other words - she doesn't want us to communicate the way we are anymore, she's tired of it - why relationship is dead because of that thing?
There is no need for me to answer this question. You already did. She's tired of it. Love does not get tired of communication

4) A friend can always get upgraded to be a boyfriend, right?
You're quite right, but from marriage to friends? I'm sorry but that is saying it all

5) The million dollar question: Suppose you're right and we're currently friends, when I will come there - why don't you think things can go better? We're friends because we haven't seen each other, and as you mentioned she needs support in her life - now I can give it to her, so why not going (or "playing" if you call it a bet) on this option?



Does the fact she went from "I want to marry you" to "I just want to be friends" not scream something at you? If she wanted to marry it, it wouldn't matter if she only saw you once in a year, the love required for marriage does not just turn off in a few months. The love for marriage is something that needs to be carried through a life time and something that needs to be strong and overcome all adversity's.

Originally Posted by Dragoriana

This is a big load of tripe.

You call her up and ask her straight forward "do you want to be in a relationship with me or not? A simple yes or no. Because if you cannot make your mind up, i will not spend my days hanging around and waiting for an answer when we both could be doing something productive instead of wasting eachothers time with false promises and confusion"

Good advice lol!

Webchap ~ Although your post holds alot of sexist tripe! *Thwap*

There are some good points about the obsession.

It's not just females that can be fickle and lie. We have all been in a bad relationship at one point or another to as where the other person couldn't make up their mind. Tis true males and females are totally different beasts, but it does not make one more likely to lie then the other. When pushed in to a situation most will act the same.!

Arie, no one on here is trying to be mean or trying to break your heart.
No one who has been though it wants to see this happen to another human being.
The advantage they do however have is they are looking it with no Bias.
You are in love with her, and for want of a better expression the sun shine out her bum to you.
She can no no wrong. It's totally natural for you to make excuses for her and to try and reason the best you know how to as why she is acting like this. This makes any other possibility then the one screaming you in the face acceptable because it will hurt you less.
In the long run it will hurt you more. I think Dragoriana advice of just call her and lay it on the table .. do you want this or not is perfect.
If she loves you as much as she should to get married, there should be only one answer.

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

If Gil ignored my phone calls/e-mails i'd be telling him to take a hike!

We all have bad days, but i still don't ignore people, more so someone who's supposed to be my partner

Perfectly put

 

[webchap]

"Arie, no one on here is trying to be mean or trying to break your heart.
No one who has been though it wants to see this happen to another human being.
The advantage they do however have is they are looking it with no Bias.
You are in love with her, and for want of a better expression the sun shine out her bum to you.
She can no no wrong. It's totally natural for you to make excuses for her and to try and reason the best you know how to as why she is acting like this. This makes any other possibility then the one screaming you in the face acceptable because it will hurt you less."

- i totally agree with all this.

I take issue with this statement:
"Tis true males and females are totally different beasts, but it does not make one more likely to lie then the other."

women will always lie far more than men! They simply have to! They carry the burden of physically birthing offspring and they will stop at nothing to try to ensure that they have a strong "alpha male" on call to help them raise the children. Say a woman were to stray, she is not going to tell her husband that the child has 50% of her genes and none of his, no!!! she wants the guy to raise the child anyway, so she must tell the ultimate lie whether in direct terms or through omission.

ok this example is extreme, but it is this biological requirement that cascades lies through all levels of interaction with women. they have to be well practised at lying, as they are more vulnerable!! plus they like to compete with other women for the best males, and will engage in all sorts of bitchiness to be successful in this regard.


webchap

 

[rosiemac]

You've just been seeing her since march!!

I must have missed that because i thought it was longer with what you've been saying.

Arie, i may not see Gil every week, but in 2 years weve seen quite a bit of each other and that's the difference.

Most of the replies have been from us women, and we all seem to say the same thing, why?, because we know how a woman thinks, but that doesn't mean were all the same like how webchap describes women, because were not, and i can tell you some nasty things that some of the blokes in the office have done to women i can tell you

Theres your task what Dragoriana said. Just ask her out right what she wants, and if she say's again about being friends, accept it graciously and move on.

Like Okuda has said, no ones trying to break your heart or upset you, were telling it to you from an outsiders point of view

 

[dragoriana]

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Most of the replies have been from us women, and we all seem to say the same thing, why?, because we know how a woman thinks, but that doesn't mean were all the same like how webchap describes women, because were not, and i can tell you some nasty things that some of the blokes in the office have done to women i can tell you

Theres your task what Dragoriana said. Just ask her out right what she wants, and if she say's again about being friends, accept it graciously and move on.

Like Okuda has said, no ones trying to break your heart or upset you, were telling it to you from an outsiders point of view

Kudos to me

I think i know how a female thinks, but sometimes i wonder why my brain does what it does!!

Can i just add, Tristan and i have been together 2 years as well. We live about an hours drive apart (i know not as much as you guys) and we manage to see eachother twice a week, and i stay over every fortnight weekend. I dont drive and he does so i sort of meet him halfway, as he can drive a couple of hours or more some days just to do a round trip with me. I am out of work for now, but Tristan works full time, public transport doesnt go all the way to his home either as he lives out in the country. And i have other commitments and things as well. I am extremely lucky i get to see him as much as i do!

I didnt even have a relationship till i was 21. Well i think at 17 i wanted a relationship as well, but the whole hormonal thing took over more.

I do wish i could understand more though what Aries gf was thinking.

 

[lunasmom]

Originally Posted by Okuda

Does the fact she went from "I want to marry you" to "I just want to be friends" not scream something at you? If she wanted to marry it, it wouldn't matter if she only saw you once in a year, the love required for marriage does not just turn off in a few months. The love for marriage is something that needs to be carried through a life time and something that needs to be strong and overcome all adversity's.
If she loves you as much as she should to get married, there should be only one answer.

I'd have to agree with this. If this were someone that truly wants to marry you, DESPITE the situation she should be picking up that phone every time you call, or returning your calls the same day.

You can convince yourself that its just your situation and that everything will be kisses and roses when you get there in 10 days, but I really think that things have changed on her end.

I would take a couple days off from thinking about her. Go out with your friends, talk sports, beer, etc thump on your chest for a couple of days and then consider giving her a phone call.

If you're in the "friends" category now, "friends" don't call each other 3 times a day and send an email. "Friends" call once, leave one message and go on with the rest of their day. She could be testing your respect for her space.

 

[arie85]

I'm sorry but I simply refuse to accept what you're saying...

Originally Posted by Dragoriana

I didnt even have a relationship till i was 21. Well i think i wanted a relationship as well, but the whole hormonal thing took over more.

Maybe I should repeat it again more clearly...

I agree she's young and she doesn't know what she wants

BUT

What's the problem for me to be there with her?

I DONT CARE if she doesn't know what she wants now

I DONT CARE if she wants to be with her friends now and want to have a good time with them

All I want is to be WITH HER - she can go be with her friends, I just want to know I'm together with her

I can give her a lot of trust and I don't mind what she's doing out there, I just want to BE WITH HER

Darn... you dont know, you simply dont know where I've been in the last 3 years, that's why you can't understand me, I just really can't explain this because it's personal...

Please just read those lines:

Right now we are friends because we're not with each other, there was not enough time to build a strong love between us

When I'll be there things CAN change, for sure!!!

I'm just suffering from waiting until the end of next week, you don't know why I'm waiting and I don't blame you, but this sucks! I wish I could go and be with her already and make the whole thing STOPS

I hate the situation I'm in!!