Long distance relationship

[webchap]

snowflakes are all composed of frozen water molecules, and in their brief lifetime, are subject to a constant gravitational acceleration, counteracted by air resistance.

the shape of a snowflake is determined by the atmospheric temperature and humidity levels at the time of its formation. However people constantly alter their identities based on experiences and environmental influences.

this girl is only 17 and as a snapshot in time will vary greatly to the woman she will become when she is, say, 27


webchap

 

[pat]

Of course, my point was that no snowflake is exactly alike, and all are beautiful. Some women are ready to be moms before they are 20, some are never ready. Some will have morals and ethics that stand through all the tests that life will throw at them, some may never have much strength of character. Too many variables to lump it all into an assessment by physical age.

I am not likely to agree with you as so far, I don't agree any of your posts on this topic! So we will have to agree to disagree.

 

[capt_jordi]

I think you should go see her and you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk somewhere quiet that you can both concentrate on each other.
If she is 17 going on 18 that means shes a senior in high school correct? I dont know about all girls but I know with me and most of my friends that was the most hectic stressful bit of my life so far! I know Gary and I almost broke up a few times because I was so busy and stressed out. During your senior year you have to figure out where you are going to college apply get accepted apply for scholarships and loans and get those accepted, plan graduation, get pictures to go in the invitations, plan for your senior prom, and still make time for family, friends and homework! If she is in a lot of clubs at her school, I'm sure they are having meetings often and stuff like that and who knows she might be going for some school position or doing stuff for community service to look good for college.
If you do not know what all is going on in her life, YOU NEED TO FIND OUT! Not like in a creepy way and know what shes doing at every second, but just get a general idea of the best time or day that you can call her and talk to her.
And dont cancel your trip.... if you do you will just be regretting it every second of the rest of the relationship. It may help, it may not, it may result in a better relationship, or it might end this one either way you have to try. And if something happens and you arent happy with her, then use it as a trip to get out and see somethings and clear your head. But you dont want to have to worry if you dont go that months down the line, this trip could have changed everything 100%.

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by capt_jordi

I think you should go see her and you guys need to sit down and have a heart to heart talk somewhere quiet that you can both concentrate on each other.
If she is 17 going on 18 that means shes a senior in high school correct? I dont know about all girls but I know with me and most of my friends that was the most hectic stressful bit of my life so far! I know Gary and I almost broke up a few times because I was so busy and stressed out. During your senior year you have to figure out where you are going to college apply get accepted apply for scholarships and loans and get those accepted, plan graduation, get pictures to go in the invitations, plan for your senior prom, and still make time for family, friends and homework! If she is in a lot of clubs at her school, I'm sure they are having meetings often and stuff like that and who knows she might be going for some school position or doing stuff for community service to look good for college.
If you do not know what all is going on in her life, YOU NEED TO FIND OUT! Not like in a creepy way and know what shes doing at every second, but just get a general idea of the best time or day that you can call her and talk to her.
And dont cancel your trip.... if you do you will just be regretting it every second of the rest of the relationship. It may help, it may not, it may result in a better relationship, or it might end this one either way you have to try. And if something happens and you arent happy with her, then use it as a trip to get out and see somethings and clear your head. But you dont want to have to worry if you dont go that months down the line, this trip could have changed everything 100%.

Thanks for that.

I am reading and re-reading what you said and find it very fit to my case. Appreciate this advice.

 

[okuda]

Originally Posted by arie85

That's her age, or actually she's not even 18, she's like 17 and 3 months

I haven't brought up this little detail, and yes I know, I know... we're like 5 years difference (me 22 she 17) but I do love her

Hmm... is this little details changing the whole picture now likewise?

Yes I do believe this makes a difference. The mentality of a 17 year old and a 22 year old is worlds apart.

I remember what my thoughts on relationships where then and what they are now and it couldn't be more different.

My Sister is nearly 17. Girls that age are interested with what boys are the hottest in school and what their friends are doing on Saturday night, not deep love and long distance relationships.

Nor should they be. They have their whole lives in front of them. It's called childhood for a reason.

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

Of course, my point was that no snowflake is exactly alike, and all are beautiful. Some women are ready to be moms before they are 20, some are never ready. Some will have morals and ethics that stand through all the tests that life will throw at them, some may never have much strength of character. Too many variables to lump it all into an assessment by physical age..

It is true there are exceptions to the rule. There always are with all situations. But from the way Arie has been typing regarding her attitude towards the whole thing, she is just emotionally immature and not ready. I don't think it's an assessment by physical age, but mental age, because it does make a difference when one person is still a teenager and one person is in their early 20's.

Originally Posted by webchap

Women at that sort of age 18-22+ are going through a time of self-discovery.

I do not totally agree with this. It is not just women. It's anyone in general that is that age. And that's what they should be doing, not worrying about who they are going to be with for the rest of their lives.

People on this forum have given you a lot of excellent advice, some from who have been there and done that, but none the less it seems you are blocking out prime advice and are set on going to see her and pushing the issue. If you do go and see her I just hope *if* she does decide, No, she does not want the responsibility and commitment of a LD relationship that you will be able to accept that.

Good luck and I hope it ends well for you.

 

[theimp98]

Originally Posted by webchap

snowflakes are all composed of frozen water molecules, and in their brief lifetime, are subject to a constant gravitational acceleration, counteracted by air resistance.

the shape of a snowflake is determined by the atmospheric temperature and humidity levels at the time of its formation. However people constantly alter their identities based on experiences and environmental influences.

this girl is only 17 and as a snapshot in time will vary greatly to the woman she will become when she is, say, 27


webchap

have to agree with that, people change alot during that time. of course its up to you, but i still think the money would be better spent, on hmm a cat, some fish, a wild weekend in vegas.

any way good luck,,,

 

[lemur 6]

Wait wait wait... you guys basically knew each other for a few days before declaring this bf/gf thing? That's you're problem. That's too little time. You barely know each other.

And of course she talks about her friends all the time, she's at that age where friends are extremely important in her life. These are people she could've been with since she could barely talk, and have grown up with each other. They affect her daily routine.

Solid relationships don't happen spontaneously. If you're truly serious about this girl, I think you're going to have to make some serious sacrifices and life changes to pursue this relationship. I don't know her whole situation, but most people her age have no capacity to go to start a new life in a foreign country without a ton of support.

 

[carolpetunia]

Arie, my sense of this now is that neither of you is ready to proceed with a serious relationship. I say that in her case because she is, as has been noted, still just a child. And I say it in your case because, as you yourself acknowledge, you are in the grip of obsession -- and it's impossible to build anything healthy on the foundation of an obsession.

I think you need to just let things slide for now. Stay in touch as friends, if you like, but don't push for anything more. You cannot make good decisions under these circumstances -- not long-distance, not in person, not at all.

I know that isn't what you want to hear, hon... but it's from the heart, and it's based on having been there and done that. Twice.

 

[capt_jordi]

I have to disagree about girls not being ready for a serious relationship. It depends on the girl, but I do think that she is just more interested in her friends since thats who she sees every day! I have been dating Gary since Dec. 2002 when I was 15. So it depends on the girl. But with the way she is talking I dont think that she is necessarily one of those girls that can do that.

 

[lunasmom]

It's case by case scenerio. Women are too different from each other to all fall into one stereotype at that age (or really any age for that matter).

At 17, I had my first boyfriend, which lasted 2 weeks. At 18 I had my second and while this lasted longer, 4 months, still I found spending more time with my friends appealing. OK maybe not the second, cause he was my first love and a really good kisser

Still though after that ended I was just focused on going to college, even though that wasn't for another 7-8 months.

I think there were only a few couples that stayed together after the first year of college and less and less...last I heard there was only one couple that survived long enough to marry after H.S.

Then again, B's neice married her H.S. sweetheart last year. They pretty much knew they were made for each other from the start and survived their first year apart in college.

 

[emrldsky]

Ok, I'll just start off by saying I haven't read all the posts. Just wanna be honest about that.

Having been in HER shoes and eventually in YOUR shoes, I think you need to just calm down, and maybe back off a bit. The more you push her, the farther away she'll go. She's really enjoying her freedom right now, but probably feels very tied down everytime you call her and start to talk about how she never has time, etc. I've been there.

I've also been in your shoes...you feel as if she just doesn't care enough, and that she really just wants to lead you on. I'm sure you're also feeling a bit insecure with the fact that while she's out enjoying herself, you're not.

Do you have friends to hang out with? If not, try making friends where you live. If you start to hang out with your friends, things will be much smoother because then you'll understand where she's coming from, but at the same time, she'll understand where YOU'RE coming from. I don't mean in a "take that" sort of way because nothing gets solved by making a point or saying I told you so.

Just that you two can honestly talk about it all.

Again, I've been there, made so many mistakes in either set of shoes, and quite frankly...I've learned a lot in the end.

 

[cococat]

Originally Posted by lunasmom

I think there were only a few couples that stayed together after the first year of college and less and less...last I heard there was only one couple that survived long enough to marry after H.S.
.

I had boyfriends before, but none I really loved. Then I met my husband when I was 18, first semester of college. We have been together for many many years, we are happily married

Women are much too diverse to box in that is for sure, every one is different. I can't say I was mature back then, but I did know that was the person I wanted to be with for sure & that I loved him and we were meant to be, it was very obvious to me then and still is now.

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by theimp98

have to agree with that, people change alot during that time. of course its up to you, but i still think the money would be better spent, on hmm a cat, some fish, a wild weekend in vegas.

any way good luck,,,

The way I see life is a bit different... My dream isn't a vacation in Vegas and to be honest I don't even see it as something attractive. For me my girlfriend (or 'friend' for now) is all I want now in my life, I've been through a lot with her... I tried to call her like 3 times yesterday (not every single minute but like every 3 hours) and she didn't answer me. I also sent an email, not too long but no reply, but I understand she's busy and under a lot of stress lately and I cannot help her while I'm here and she's there.

You would probably tell me "why are you doing this? why why why? drop her and move on!" but this isn't the way I see things... unless she wants to break-up... but as long as she wants to see me and I know she does, she's just not with me now and I'm not with her...

You need to understand what love is, love isn't only when things go easier all the times because it's a fantasy to think so...

I just want to be with her already and I don't know how to react until the end of next week - I'm working right now all day on the Internet but my heart isn't "calm" and I can't stand the fact I can't be with her now but I have to live with that, even if it's killing me now.

I'm trying to understand what to do, how can I make her feel good and think about me without being with her just for the last time because it's all going to change next week, but what's gonna be until then? every single minute withour her is just burning me

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Lemur 6

Solid relationships don't happen spontaneously. If you're truly serious about this girl, I think you're going to have to make some serious sacrifices and life changes to pursue this relationship. I don't know her whole situation, but most people her age have no capacity to go to start a new life in a foreign country without a ton of support.

But what, what should I do? what should I sacrifice?

Just tell me what and I'll do it... I wanna do anything just to be together again, but I cannot leave the god damn country I'm in right now

, I just can't, it's not a prison nor any court order, I haven't broken any law, it's something that I just can't explain, something personal - I would be able only to leave the country on the end of next week and it's just killing me right now....

As for "foreign country" that's fine, I have a few bank accounts in United States, I got my driving license in New Jersey, I know how to drive there and thank god I have a job right now, so don't worry about the technical stuff, I'm not worried about it - I'm only worried about me & her - and I don't know what to do, I want her to expect me to come (maybe she is but doesn't express it), I want us to be together... that's where I need the help with, don't worry about me with the other details, I'll be fine with it with god's will... I'm just stuck on the most important part, and some of you told me to drop it but I really rather to get advices on what to do to make things happen instead of dropping them....

Edit: now when I re-read what you told me I see you talked about her... well... my intention is to be there, not having her here although she does wanna do it but only next year, so that's not a problem coz' she would have her family there, I'm the visitor, not her lol

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

Arie, my sense of this now is that neither of you is ready to proceed with a serious relationship. I say that in her case because she is, as has been noted, still just a child. And I say it in your case because, as you yourself acknowledge, you are in the grip of obsession -- and it's impossible to build anything healthy on the foundation of an obsession.

Damn straight... I admit that

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

I think you need to just let things slide for now. Stay in touch as friends, if you like, but don't push for anything more. You cannot make good decisions under these circumstances -- not long-distance, not in person, not at all.

I know that isn't what you want to hear, hon... but it's from the heart, and it's based on having been there and done that. Twice.

What do you mean by staying in touch as friends? I think I tried to do so... trying to call 3 times a day is okay or too much? should I do anything else perhaps?

What about sending her a gift or something with fast delivery? (UPS Fedex etc) is that a good idea?

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by capt_jordi

I have to disagree about girls not being ready for a serious relationship. It depends on the girl, but I do think that she is just more interested in her friends since thats who she sees every day! I have been dating Gary since Dec. 2002 when I was 15. So it depends on the girl. But with the way she is talking I dont think that she is necessarily one of those girls that can do that.

She does sound serious to me, and I think she's serious and was serious about our relationship but as she said things have faded away since we weren't together... let me repeat her words:

"Arie, we can't ourselves boyfriend & girlfriend, and for now we're just friends. It doesn't matter why we couldn't see each other and I understand you couldn't see me, but the situation now is you there and I'm here, we're not dating, we're not going out together, but don't get me wrong, I want you to come and see me."

"You really mean that? don't say it just to please me, I want you to be fully honest with me"

"Yes, I do mean that, but I don't wanna talk about it here. I had enough of this LD relationship and I'm not sure if it has a future, I really must be honest with you because the way it looks it's not working out."

This is more or less was our conversation 2 days ago...

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by emrldsky

Ok, I'll just start off by saying I haven't read all the posts. Just wanna be honest about that.

Having been in HER shoes and eventually in YOUR shoes, I think you need to just calm down, and maybe back off a bit. The more you push her, the farther away she'll go. She's really enjoying her freedom right now, but probably feels very tied down everytime you call her and start to talk about how she never has time, etc. I've been there.

I've also been in your shoes...you feel as if she just doesn't care enough, and that she really just wants to lead you on. I'm sure you're also feeling a bit insecure with the fact that while she's out enjoying herself, you're not.

Do you have friends to hang out with? If not, try making friends where you live. If you start to hang out with your friends, things will be much smoother because then you'll understand where she's coming from, but at the same time, she'll understand where YOU'RE coming from. I don't mean in a "take that" sort of way because nothing gets solved by making a point or saying I told you so.

Just that you two can honestly talk about it all.

Again, I've been there, made so many mistakes in either set of shoes, and quite frankly...I've learned a lot in the end.

Maybe you're right, maybe I should go out with some friends and not think about her... I'm just working all day but I can do less hours if I want to. And yeah, of course I have friends here... I actually called one and asked him if he wants to do something today. (I did call yesterday before seeing this post lol)

Thanks for bringing this up, I think you make things look more clear now... but it would be hell tough for me to stay away and not call her, what you ask me now is the same as asking a hungry person to not touch the delicious food on the table

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by cococat

I had boyfriends before, but none I really loved. Then I met my husband when I was 18, first semester of college. We have been together for many many years, we are happily married

Women are much too diverse to box in that is for sure, every one is different. I can't say I was mature back then, but I did know that was the person I wanted to be with for sure & that I loved him and we were meant to be, it was very obvious to me then and still is now.

You know... she told me that so many times, she said she wants to get married with me, I haven't expected her to change like that... and I know she's not 18 yet, but she's really mature and she also sees herself as a girl who's like 20 and not 17... I see it too on her...

Anyway I got some tips here after reading what you said but I'm not sure it would be easier for me to implement them...

Why even 1 phone call causes her to feel I'm "pushing" her? maybe if I change the subject when we talk on the phone it might help her to not feel "pushed"?

 

[natalie_ca]

Only you can decide what is right for you to do. You've gotten lots of good advice and suggestions, yet you continue to justify and explain away your need to go and see her. So it seems to me like you have already made up your mind and are seeking approval from us that it's ok for you to go and visit her.

If that's what you want to do, then do it. Like I said, only you can decide this.

 

[arie85]

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Only you can decide what is right for you to do. You've gotten lots of good advice and suggestions, yet you continue to justify and explain away your need to go and see her. So it seems to me like you have already made up your mind and are seeking approval from us that it's ok for you to go and visit her.

If that's what you want to do, then do it. Like I said, only you can decide this.

You're right, but I just need help with what to do until next week, and I got some issues not cleared yet... such as one lady told me how is it to be in her shoes and I think she's right but I'm asking if I can do something or change the attitude so I won't make her feel "pushed"?

I wonder also if I should buy a gift to her or send or something with express-mail, something that will make her happy

I be glad to get tips on those concerns