Long distance relationship

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arie85

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

It sounds like this started out "online"?
We did talk on the Internet but it hadn't started online back then. I was with her at 1 NBA game @ Dallas and I did like it but I was like, well... we just were together but I didn't feel like something special is coming up. Only after a few days when we've been together we were together at her room and I was just typing something on the computer, and then she wanted to tell me something but wasn't sure about it, and then we opened our hearts to each other... but that is March 2007 - right now October 2007 seems to be reallly different, even though on the end July this year we were together where I am and we were sure about our love I'd say. But now, I don't know...

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

If you have reservations about things, then don't go. The worse thing you can do is put yourself in a vulnerable position only to find out that your gut was right to begin with.
Can you please explain this phrase?
I'm not sure what do you mean by reservations...

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

If I were you I'd have a heart to heart talk with her on the phone and be completely honest about your feelings and what vibes you are picking up from her. She may be feeling exactly the same thing and afraid to mention it.
I'm thinking about calling her now and asking her when it's the best time to have a long talk on the phone?

Think that's a good idea?
 

lemur 6

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Don't send her any link to this thread, that would be a bad bad move.

How would you like it if someone suddenly barged into your everyday routine and started demanding your attention? I think your plan to just show up and "end a long distance relationship" is one sided, without agreement from her side. This is also just from my experience, but most girls really really hate needy guys who turn into emotional wrecks if they're left alone for too long. Grow a spine, go join a men's club or something, do manly things, go do things that you can boast about to her so she can boast back to her friends.
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by Lemur 6

Don't send her any link to this thread, that would be a bad bad move.

How would you like it if someone suddenly barged into your everyday routine and started demanding your attention? I think your plan to just show up and "end a long distance relationship" is one sided, without agreement from her side. This is also just from my experience, but most girls really really hate needy guys who turn into emotional wrecks if they're left alone for too long. Grow a spine, go join a men's club or something, do manly things, go do things that you can boast about to her so she can boast back to her friends.
Hey Lemur, the last thing I want to is to end our relationship. I'm just trying to get her attention but I understand from your reply it would be a really bad move so I'm taking it back.

I think I would call her and ask her if she has time today to talk like for 20-30 minutes.
 
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arie85

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Well, I did talk with her for a while... she said things have changed because I wasn't with her and the reason doesn't matter since we really couldn't be with each other, but the fact is it causes things to change.

She said she see me as more like a friend and not as a boyfriend because of the long "disrelationship" we had as everyone took care for himself in the past few months.

She said she hopes and thinks it would change back if we be together, she's not sure about it but she thinks so. I asked her if she wants me to come and she said "Yes, I want you to come" and I tried to understand why she says "Yes" if we're not in that close-relationship and she said because things have changed but they could change again and it all depends on the situation.

What's your conclusion from all of this?
I promised to call her again in a while to continue this conversation
 

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Sounds like she was honest with you, but is still interested in seeing if this could go back to being a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of relationship.

If going to find out, knowing that at this point, she sees it as a friendship, is important to you - to find out what can be, I'd go.

If you are going to find it too painful that the answer may be that you two can't go back to a boyfriend/girlfriend situation, then you may want to not go on this trip.

I have dated long distance more than once, and eventually married someone living over 3,000 miles from me (who I dated via email and phone) but then I'm not your typical person
 

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Originally Posted by arie85

... she said things have changed because I wasn't with her and the reason doesn't matter since we really couldn't be with each other, but the fact is it causes things to change.

She said she see me as more like a friend and not as a boyfriend
...she's not sure about it but she thinks so.

What's your conclusion from all of this?
I promised to call her again in a while to continue this conversation
My conclusion is that she is leading you on, not wanting to totally let you go for whatever reason so she is letting you have some hope, but she did tell you things have changed, you are no longer her boyfriend.
She is being unfair and not really considering your feelings or being 100% honest and straightfoward with you, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. IMO, there are so many other girls out there, time to get to know some of them

But then again, all I see is the limited view you present here so that is all I can respond on.
 

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From the sounds of your recent conversation I'd say she's trying to be the nice person in the break up. I've been dumped several times in the past and had been given the "I just want to be friends" line before. 99% of the time it turned out to be pure BS, because of one reason or another: either I wasn't ready to go back to being friends when they were or they snubbed me.

Perhaps she does see you as a friend now, however keep in mind that if things changed, they may be perminant. Keep this in mind when you go out there as things may not be all lovey dovey, kissses and forgotten when you two see each other.

To be honest though its what everyone here has been saying. In order to maintain ANY relationship, long or short distance, you need to have both parties involved and giving their 100% to the relationship. If she can't commit due to distance now because of changes, then whose to say that things will be OK when you're within a short drive to each other.
 

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Originally Posted by arie85

Well, I did talk with her for a while... she said things have changed because I wasn't with her and the reason doesn't matter since we really couldn't be with each other, but the fact is it causes things to change.

She said she see me as more like a friend and not as a boyfriend because of the long "disrelationship" we had as everyone took care for himself in the past few months.

She said she hopes and thinks it would change back if we be together, she's not sure about it but she thinks so. I asked her if she wants me to come and she said "Yes, I want you to come" and I tried to understand why she says "Yes" if we're not in that close-relationship and she said because things have changed but they could change again and it all depends on the situation.

What's your conclusion from all of this?
I promised to call her again in a while to continue this conversation
Relationships are never easy...but it sounds like both of you are having a truly hard time with the distance....you are simply reacting to it differently.

Do you mind me asking....do you have any friends that you like to hang out with? Any hobbies?

The problem with asking an open forum is that we can only give you advice based on what you are telling us...which basically provides one side of the story.

What I read in your last post is that she has changed the nature of your relationship to one of friendship. It sounds like she is hoping that may change..but there certainly isn't a guarentee so the ball is in your court regarding how you feel/think about this change.

Katie
 

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take into account my hmm, negtive view points of women and Relationships right now... I would get the money back from the ticket and go spend on it on something fun.
 

theimp98

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Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

There's an old saying: "If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours."
you forgot the next part,, which goes
... if it does not, hunt it down and kill it. at least that is the way i always heard that saying.
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by cococat

She is being unfair and not really considering your feelings or being 100% honest and straightfoward with you, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. IMO, there are so many other girls out there, time to get to know some of them
She's actually aware of that but she said something right... she or I can't just do nothing about it and if we couldn't see each other - we couldn't ... and life must go on... the question is how the future will be and whether should I give it a last chance? (please don't mention the cost of the ticket, I anyway wanna be in TX for a while, I like the place itself and I can do some useful things there rather than what I do now, so that's okay... my only concern is me & her, not the technical issues)
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by lunasmom

From the sounds of your recent conversation I'd say she's trying to be the nice person in the break up.
We ain't breaking up. If we did she would tell me it's over. She didn't say she wants us to remain friends, she said that's the status right now, but she also said she really wants me to come & be with her, she also said that. So I know she wants me to come, just because of such a long time we haven't been together things have faded away and that is why we're in this kind of thing.

I just don't know how to move on, I think about coming there, just not sure how everything would be... I love her, I do, she just told me she really wants to have someone on her side and when I'm not there she's changing...

Anyway I really need help or someone to analyze what happened then and what to do next - but we're not breaking up, I hope we never
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by TNR1

Relationships are never easy...but it sounds like both of you are having a truly hard time with the distance....you are simply reacting to it differently.

Do you mind me asking....do you have any friends that you like to hang out with? Any hobbies?

The problem with asking an open forum is that we can only give you advice based on what you are telling us...which basically provides one side of the story.

What I read in your last post is that she has changed the nature of your relationship to one of friendship. It sounds like she is hoping that may change..but there certainly isn't a guarentee so the ball is in your court regarding how you feel/think about this change.

Katie
So what do you think I should do?
 

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Originally Posted by arie85

(please don't mention the cost of the ticket, I anyway wanna be in TX for a while, I like the place itself and I can do some useful things there rather than what I do now, so that's okay... my only concern is me & her, not the technical issues)
Then just fly South and see her if that is what you want to do. At least you won't keep questioning over and over then and wonder if you should have coulda...

Good luck with it all. You are confusing me

Hope it works out for you and update us!
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by theimp98

take into account my hmm, negtive view points of women and Relationships right now... I would get the money back from the ticket and go spend on it on something fun.
No way... lol... I cannot do that

I love her, the last thing I want is to stay away from her

I just want to make her feel I'm her boyfriend and I don't want her to see me as a friend again... I wonder if that's possible
 

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Originally Posted by arie85

She said she hopes and thinks it would change back if we be together, she's not sure about it but she thinks so. I asked her if she wants me to come and she said "Yes, I want you to come" and I tried to understand why she says "Yes" if we're not in that close-relationship and she said because things have changed but they could change again and it all depends on the situation.

What's your conclusion from all of this?
I promised to call her again in a while to continue this conversation
By "reservations" I meant "second thoughts".

So far as what she recently said to you about things having changed and maybe they could change back etc etc. Do yourself a favour and move on with your life. Keep her as a friend "only" and find yourself a nice girl who actually loves you and doesn't have to think about it.

You are worth far more than being her fall back on guy for convenience.

As someone already mentioned earlier you are demeaning yourself by panting after someone who doesn't want you in the way you would like.
 

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Contrary to popular belief, absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Basically out of sight, out of mind. Especially new relationships.
I'll have to beg to differ there i'm afraid. I've been seeing my partner who lives a 5 hour train journey from me for nearly 2 years now, and we always look forward to seeing each other
It helps that we speak on the telephone every night as well


Originally Posted by arie85

I'm so confused on my next step, what should I do? give her a link to this thread?
What ever you do don't show her this thread because i wouldn't like being discussed with complete strangers
To us on the site were not strangers, but your gf doesn't know any of us


Ok here's my thought's because i'm in the same position.

You both need your friends, and you both still have a life outside your relationship for doing social things, and that's where the trust comes into it, otherwise insecurity issues develop, and that's when it can drive the other person away


You need a heart to heart talk with her when you go to see her next. Tell her whats on your mind, how worried you are etc.. and if what she says doesn't reassure you then it's probably time to start thinking that the relationship is a waste of time and energy because jealousy and insecurity can be a nasty


Doing a distance relationship can work, but it can be hard for some. For me it's perfect because i like my space as well, but i know if i was to ask Gil to move in with me he'd be here tomorrow, but i'm not wanting that at the moment and he respects that
 

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Originally Posted by cococat

My conclusion is that she is leading you on, not wanting to totally let you go for whatever reason so she is letting you have some hope, but she did tell you things have changed, you are no longer her boyfriend.
She is being unfair and not really considering your feelings or being 100% honest and straightfoward with you, I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. IMO, there are so many other girls out there, time to get to know some of them

But then again, all I see is the limited view you present here so that is all I can respond on.
I totally agree with this guy. When a woman says to you "maybe" this mainly means "no." However it sounds better because it implies an element of possibility which in reality does not exist.

Women commonly use this sort of vague language in dating scenarios, its all part of the games that they play.

I know it is hard for you having the feelings for her. And i want you to know that while your feelings are a good thing, in terms of being with her in the future, they are stabbing you in the back right now!

how about this hypothetical scenario, she is dating another guy which she is not sure is going to work, so just in case she tells you "maybe" you and her can be in a relationship again, so she has a backup-option if things go wrong with the other guy.

you have to realise that you are worth more than this! otherwise nothing can save you!

go try some new hobbies you've always wondered about, meet new people, make yourself the source of your self esteem!


webchap
 
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arie85

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

As someone already mentioned earlier you are demeaning yourself by panting after someone who doesn't want you in the way you would like.
I wouldn't say so...

I myself don't think about her now every second of my life, however the trip to see her is something important in my life and my concern is if would be good or not, but as someone said already (I think "coco" something) the solution would be being there physically and not making up assumptions, but I cannot see her until next week and it's killing me!

What should I do until next Friday? (not this Friday but the next one in 10 days from now)
Should I call her? not call her? Send her a gift?

How can I convince her just over the phone that things could change? Is it possible?

And forgive me about your opinion, I'm not ready yet to meet a new girl, she's still in my heart, I cannot just dump her now. And she didn't say "Hey... let's stay friends, shall we?" - she said the situation as it is right now has caused her to treat me as her friend and not boyfriend because I'm not physically with her

If she would say "lets stay friends" I would agree with you an move on with my life. However I do believe there is a chance here, I just don't know how to move on until next Friday
 

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It sounds like she was honest with you. But don't hold onto the hope you can stay together. She sounds disinterested. Take the hint and move on.
Really it sounds like you are VERY devoted to her and while thats sweet, some girls aren't into clingy guys. I find it to be really unattractive.

My husband is very confident AND he shows his devotion to me every day.
I don't have to babysit his feelings all the time, he is confident that I love him.

You need to be in a relationship where you don't feel afraid (of losing the other person) and when you think of that person you don't get stressed out. Relationships, especially in the beginning, should be a happy and euphoric thing. Every couple has problems but I don't think this is a healthy feeling you are going through.

She has made it VERY clear that you are not the most important to her any more and you have made it clear that she is the ONLY important thing. It's not balanced and the longer you hang on the more it will push her away.

Just my opinion though. If you step back and work on getting to know each other again maybe she'll have a change of heart. In the meantime, go get some friends and some hobbies! Don't focus on her as much.


Edited to add:

And remember you're only sharing very little information with us about the situation. We can only respond well to what we see. You are saying "I wouldn't say so" in response to our opinions that she is disinterested but we can only tell you how we feel based on what you share with us. Either we don't know all the facts involved or maybe you don't want to accept our opinion because it is too painful? Just something to consider.
 
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