Letting my girl go and the guilt that comes with it

[Nooglies]

On Tuesday 28th April 2020 I made the heart wrenching decision to have my 10 year old girl put to sleep. I needed somewhere to put my thoughts into words because what they are doing to my head is killing me inside.

She had stopped eating gradually over a month, losing a lot of weight and was suffering with pancreatitis. We were working to treat it, when an ultrasound revealed she had an intestinal intussusception paired with an incredibly enlarged but not inflamed pancreas. The options were surgery to correct the intussusception, paired with a biopsy to test for highly probable Lymphoma, which would follow with chemotherapy and a prognosis of a few months to a year survival or euthanasia.

I'm not sure if this is the guilt setting in, the speed at which it all happened or the lack of options that we had but I have been suffering with severe anxiety since the fact we made the decision to let her go, I keep telling myself it was the wrong decision.

The surgery alone was quoted at £2-3k. Money we didn't really have. And I didnt really want to put her through it. She never did well in a cone (she couldnt use the litter tray with one on last time and became incredibly stressed an anxious every time she needed the toilet) and it would require a month of wearing it, plus a month of minimal movement and not being allowed to jump up on anything. We were told she would need the surgery the following day if we was to go through with it. Then there was the what ifs - if it was Lymphoma we was quoted as thousands for treatment by the vet. She would need to see a chemotherapy specialist which would be incredibly expensive. The prognosis was that she would live months, hopefully a year. Her quality of life wouldnt have necessarily been bad, but the frequency of pilling would have been an issue the vet said - as we always struggled to force pill her. The what if it wasn't cancer was never really mentioned. I believe the vet mentioned with her enlarged pancreas there would be lots of questions on her quality of life anyway due to complications arising from that but these conversations were not as coherent as they could have been - as I was beside myself for the most of them. I asked if we could have a day to think about the options and give her a night at home if we did decide euthanasia and was told that it wasnt in her best interest. We could have had her overnight at the most but it would have been better if we had done euthanasia or hospitalization that night. We decided on euthanasia from what the vet had said, thoughts about her quality of life and unfortunately a big factor was finances.

We had used up all our insurance hospitalising her for the pancreatitis, as the diagnosis took so long to come through that we tried countless ineffective treatments for Giardia, IBD, appetite stimulants, blood tests, fecal exams and check up after check up after check up. Racking up an eye watering vet bill. Most of the treatments turned out to be for ailments she never had. We had no insurance left when it mattered that could have gone towards the surgery. We could have maybe scraped together 2k if we tried, but did we want to put her through the surgery to discover it was cancer and we couldnt afford chemotherapy? Did we even want to put her through chemotherapy? What if it wasnt cancer? The vet was pretty sure it was cancer but that question is bouncing around my mind like an incessant little bug.

And she was still so full of life. She had days when she was in a lot of pain. She would hide under the bed a lot. She had a couple of accidents as she didnt like pooping in the litter tray anymore. I believe it's because she was in pain. But most days she was almost completely herself, still happy to play and watch the birds. She just didnt meow anymore. Not for food or attention. She was quieter and skinnier but not skin and bone. Previous cats I've had put to sleep the decision was an easy one - they were immobile, dying, old, and in a very bad way. Our girl didn't seem like any of these. And she was so young. I never imagined putting to sleep a 10 year old cat. Every checkup I brought her into they commented how alert and bright and overall in good health she seemed. Because of this - if it was cancer and we had pursued treatment - would she have lived for another two or three years in good health like so often you hear about? Dogs given three weeks to live carrying on for another year. Could she have surpassed all expectations?

Or would she have had a few months of complications, or even ineffective chemotherapy, and suffered? Would I then be cursing myself for pursing all the treatment in vain? Throwing thousands at her to keep her alive for my benefit? Or hers? I cant decide. But I didnt. I let her go and I dont know if it was the right one but she is gone now and I cannot undo that.

And I couldnt be there. It tears me up the most of all is that because of coronavirus she had to die alone, with strangers, in a cold veterinary office.

I'm so sorry my little lady. I'm so sorry if it was the wrong decision. I feel like I put a price on your life. I dont know if you were ready to go, and I miss you so much. I need to stop beating myself up about it but I cant help worrying I took your life in vain. I love you so much. I hope you are resting easy wherever you are.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello - what a beautiful cat she was

a prognosis of a few months to a year survival

She had days when she was in a lot of pain. She would hide under the bed a lot.

You did the compassionate, selfless, unselfish thing. For her.

Even with a couple more years, there would have been so many days filled with un-natural events, meds, clinic visits, on and on....

The people in the vet's office gave her warmth and love.

RIP sweetheart, you were given the most enormous gift. Hopefully your person can achieve some measure of peace soon.

There is this that might be of help to you;

Day By Day Caregiver Support Inc. – Providing compassionate support for the grief that comes before, during and after the loss of a pet

 

[neely]

I'm not sure if this is the guilt setting in, the speed at which it all happened or the lack of options that we had but I have been suffering with severe anxiety since the fact we made the decision to let her go, I keep telling myself it was the wrong decision.

You are not alone, each and every one of us has second guessed our decision at some point. We wonder, "what if?" A long time ago we had a 7 yr. old cat that had an incurable illness. I did everything in my power to keep him alive but there was nothing more I could do. I promised myself I would never let another cat, (or dog), suffer and hard as it is, I have kept that promise. A very wise person once told me better a day too soon than to suffer in pain. It's still fresh in your mind and you need time to grieve. Give yourself time and keep her memories forever in your heart. My sincere and deepest regrets. RIP sweet angel.

 

[Nooglies]

Thank you so much Furballsmom. I am my own worst enemy in situations like these. It all happened so fast the emotions are piling in now, after the fact. I feel 2 tonnes lighter just formulating them into words on a thread. I will check out your link for sure. Thank you for your beautiful kind words. The wish for me to find peace really made me smile. The irony is that wherever my girl is, she's out of pain. At peace. Meanwhile here I am causing my own pain! What a silly turn of events!

 

[Nooglies]

You are not alone, each and every one of us has second guessed our decision at some point. We wonder, "what if?" A long time ago we had a 7 yr. old cat that had an incurable illness. I did everything in my power to keep him alive but there was nothing more I could do. I promised myself I would never let another cat, (or dog), suffer and hard as it is, I have kept that promise. A very wise person once told me better a day too soon than to suffer in pain. It's still fresh in your mind and you need time to grieve. Give yourself time and keep her memories forever in your heart. My sincere and deepest regrets. RIP sweet angel.

Thank you so much Neely. The decision was always straightforward in the past. This situation was a fork leading into a maze. So many questions. I don't do well with questions! If the vet had told me "it would be best to put her to sleep" that would be my answer ticked. I wouldnt carry this guilt then. I'd still carry the grief but not the guilt. I'd have listened to the professional who knew best. But I know the vet can't really do that. She could only advise, and she did a great job at that. But with all your lovely comments, plus the release of the burden of these thoughts into text I can see it helps calm my mind. Thank you for listening to my ramblings and straightening my thoughts. Big hugs xx

 

[les26]

I am so so sorry that you had to make the horrible decision to put that sweet little girl down, it is never easy to have to "play God" but keep in mind that cats are MASTERS at hiding pain, they can be in much peril but never let it be shown, such troopers and warriors....but even if you did go through with more tests and things perhaps her life would've been bad anyway, sometimes no amount of money or medicine or love or hope can keep them here, some pass young, some old, but when it is their time to go we must let them leave this world and move to the next life, and she is fine now, just fine, no more pain or suffering, and when you meet again in the next life she will thank you for the way that you cared and suffered emotionally over her but she wants you to know that she is just fine now....

I take Ignatia Amara pills when I am very stressed or in shock and grieving, they work wonders. And Holy Basil helps you deal with the stress and stay strong, you might want to check them out.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry that this happened to you, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[di and bob]

Of course, she is resting in peace, she has your love with her for eternity........
The guilt that comes with decisions like these always come with grief, no matter what decision is made. Is MAYBE a year worth the price of surgery and constant meds? The constant and worsening pain? There comes a time when living becomes existing. Since cats live in the present, this is not living. It is at times like this we have to listen to our vets, they have traveled this road many times and know what follows. They have seen the suffering, the human need to keep them in a living hell for our own peace of mind. A peace that never comes, or changes into our own hell when we see the suffering. Cats are so good at hiding pain and suffering. it is when it is overwhelming that we see them hiding or showing signs. I have promised some of my little ones that they would die at home, promises I bitterly regret when I saw the suffering.....
The bond you have with that little girl is a strong one. Nothing can take it from you, not even death. "Death cannot take that which never dies" and you know that her love is a part of your very soul. Try not to dwell on her end, her life was so much more important.
To be missed and loved is the greatest honor we can give to those who shared our lives. Just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, so she wants for you. To go forward into life, living each and every moment as it is meant to be lived, with joy and appreciation, not tears and sorrow. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow, we have to treat each and every new day as a gift. Not as a burden.
She is a part of your soul, just as you are a part of hers. The 'essence' that made her who she is spiritual, so eternal. She will be forever as close as your thoughts and prayers. So send her those of love because she lives on through you now, through that love. This is something that will never be gotten over, it is something that needs to be learned how to live with. To make a new life's order to deal with. You have those, like family and those here on this site, that can share the sadness, share the burden of grief. we empathize because we have stood in your shoes. No one loved that little girl as you do. Each and every time of grief is a terribly lonely, personal time. But it can be made lighter through sharing. and although you will never love another as you did her, you can love again, and add to her love in your heart. Each and every love is as unique as a snowflake and just as beautiful. Take care.......RIP beautiful girl. You will be dearly missed, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Tabbytastic]

I’m so sorry to hear of the loss of your beautiful Twinkle. What a beautiful picture of her you have posted. Twinkle had a lot going on and you absolutely did the right thing. I really feel for you having made that same decision a little over two years ago. Your posts sound almost identical to what my boy Whiskas went through. He was 8 and I thought we had so many more years together.

In time you will realise that the decision you made was to stop all the stress & suffering, and I think you should take comfort in that you did. You had her welfare at heart, I can see how much she was loved. Will be thinking of you xxx

 

[scarlettleia]

I am so sorry for your loss, what a beautiful, beautiful lady.

I've been suffering the same mind weasles for the last couple of months after we let go of our Philip. We were given a similar prognosis of a possibility to continue treatment and possible surgery, in the small chance that he could get slightly better, but have a reduced life filled with repeated symptoms, a very very /very/ strict diet, regular vet visits and possible incontinence but decided ultimately that the kinder thing to do was to let him go.

What has helped us accept it a little more and subside some of the guilt is knowing that even if he was good at hiding it (cats always are!) he was in pain, and keeping him with us would have prolonged that. Ultimately, we would have been keepin him with us, for us, because we wern't ready to let him go. Allowing them freedom from the pain and suffering is what they would have wanted, and if they could tell us that, they would.

It sounds like you really, really loved her deeply, and she knew that. You'll never lose that and it will be hard, but slowly the pain of losing her will be replaced by the fond memories you have of her beautiful life with you <3

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Twinkle, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Guilt comes so naturally to us, doesn't it? This is the bottom line, though, you acted as best you could in Twinkle's best interest. If she was sometimes obviously in pain, and at other times just "quieter" and no longer meowing, then she was in some degree of pain all of the time. Cats hide their pain. That is who they are. You made the right decision. And now, Twinkle has, with your loving help, passed through the Gate between this Adventure and her Next Great Adventure. She took your love with her to guide her way, and now she sends her own love back to you, to comfort you. And it will stay with you. Her love, now translated and purified into Love, is by your side. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides. Someday, in the fullness of time, Twinkle's Love will walk with you through that Gate to joyous reunion.

 

[Nooglies]

I just want to say a huge huge thank you to each and every one of you for your beautiful, kind and incredibly comforting words. Mamanyt1953, scarlettleia, Tabbytastic and di and bob. The idea that others have been in similar situations to me and made similar decisions is a huge comfort to me. Yesterday was the first day tear free. Me and my partner (who has been such a great comfort to me in this difficult time) took some time to watch all the videos of her and put together an album of our favourites. Oh how we laughed. What a character she was. Truly one of a kind. Like you said di and bob, my love for her was reserved for her. I do not believe I will ever find a cat like her ever again, and though it is sad, I am so grateful that I got three years with possibly the funniest and most confident cat I've ever met. Some more photos below to enjoy. Her and my boyfriend (she was truly the biggest daddies girl and she loved him the most - I'm not bitter at all I swear!) She often sat very unladylike on the sofa with her tail between her legs. And her precious little thumbs, she was polydactyl, another unique trait, and I adored her extra little toes so much.

 

[di and bob]

It is comforting though bittersweet to have those precious memories. What a special little girl she was!

 

[Furballsmom]

the funniest and most confident cat I've ever met.

Bless your soul for saying this - I currently have one of those in my life

 

[southernbama]

On Tuesday 28th April 2020 I made the heart wrenching decision to have my 10 year old girl put to sleep. I needed somewhere to put my thoughts into words because what they are doing to my head is killing me inside.

She had stopped eating gradually over a month, losing a lot of weight and was suffering with pancreatitis. We were working to treat it, when an ultrasound revealed she had an intestinal intussusception paired with an incredibly enlarged but not inflamed pancreas. The options were surgery to correct the intussusception, paired with a biopsy to test for highly probable Lymphoma, which would follow with chemotherapy and a prognosis of a few months to a year survival or euthanasia.

I'm not sure if this is the guilt setting in, the speed at which it all happened or the lack of options that we had but I have been suffering with severe anxiety since the fact we made the decision to let her go, I keep telling myself it was the wrong decision.

The surgery alone was quoted at £2-3k. Money we didn't really have. And I didnt really want to put her through it. She never did well in a cone (she couldnt use the litter tray with one on last time and became incredibly stressed an anxious every time she needed the toilet) and it would require a month of wearing it, plus a month of minimal movement and not being allowed to jump up on anything. We were told she would need the surgery the following day if we was to go through with it. Then there was the what ifs - if it was Lymphoma we was quoted as thousands for treatment by the vet. She would need to see a chemotherapy specialist which would be incredibly expensive. The prognosis was that she would live months, hopefully a year. Her quality of life wouldnt have necessarily been bad, but the frequency of pilling would have been an issue the vet said - as we always struggled to force pill her. The what if it wasn't cancer was never really mentioned. I believe the vet mentioned with her enlarged pancreas there would be lots of questions on her quality of life anyway due to complications arising from that but these conversations were not as coherent as they could have been - as I was beside myself for the most of them. I asked if we could have a day to think about the options and give her a night at home if we did decide euthanasia and was told that it wasnt in her best interest. We could have had her overnight at the most but it would have been better if we had done euthanasia or hospitalization that night. We decided on euthanasia from what the vet had said, thoughts about her quality of life and unfortunately a big factor was finances.

We had used up all our insurance hospitalising her for the pancreatitis, as the diagnosis took so long to come through that we tried countless ineffective treatments for Giardia, IBD, appetite stimulants, blood tests, fecal exams and check up after check up after check up. Racking up an eye watering vet bill. Most of the treatments turned out to be for ailments she never had. We had no insurance left when it mattered that could have gone towards the surgery. We could have maybe scraped together 2k if we tried, but did we want to put her through the surgery to discover it was cancer and we couldnt afford chemotherapy? Did we even want to put her through chemotherapy? What if it wasnt cancer? The vet was pretty sure it was cancer but that question is bouncing around my mind like an incessant little bug.

And she was still so full of life. She had days when she was in a lot of pain. She would hide under the bed a lot. She had a couple of accidents as she didnt like pooping in the litter tray anymore. I believe it's because she was in pain. But most days she was almost completely herself, still happy to play and watch the birds. She just didnt meow anymore. Not for food or attention. She was quieter and skinnier but not skin and bone. Previous cats I've had put to sleep the decision was an easy one - they were immobile, dying, old, and in a very bad way. Our girl didn't seem like any of these. And she was so young. I never imagined putting to sleep a 10 year old cat. Every checkup I brought her into they commented how alert and bright and overall in good health she seemed. Because of this - if it was cancer and we had pursued treatment - would she have lived for another two or three years in good health like so often you hear about? Dogs given three weeks to live carrying on for another year. Could she have surpassed all expectations?

Or would she have had a few months of complications, or even ineffective chemotherapy, and suffered? Would I then be cursing myself for pursing all the treatment in vain? Throwing thousands at her to keep her alive for my benefit? Or hers? I cant decide. But I didnt. I let her go and I dont know if it was the right one but she is gone now and I cannot undo that.

And I couldnt be there. It tears me up the most of all is that because of coronavirus she had to die alone, with strangers, in a cold veterinary office.

I'm so sorry my little lady. I'm so sorry if it was the wrong decision. I feel like I put a price on your life. I dont know if you were ready to go, and I miss you so much. I need to stop beating myself up about it but I cant help worrying I took your life in vain. I love you so much. I hope you are resting easy wherever you are.

View attachment 332189

 

[southernbama]

I'm so sorry, had to put my 15 year old cat down 4/17 due to bone cancer. It is not easy.

 

[Krienze]

I just had to put my 14 year old dog down last month and like you, I wrestled with guilt. In the end though, people on this site are wonderful and they really helped me to realize that I did the right thing. Just like YOU did the right thing.

Your girl was in pain and when you made the choice to end her suffering, I truly believe you did the most loving thing in the world for her. Don't harp on "did I put a price on her life" - you didn't. You picked the option in the end that was best for her and I truly believe if there HAD been any other option, it would have been presented for you. She was a beautiful cat and clearly well loved. The choice you made was absolutely selfless and one that is the hardest choice any of us as furr-parents ever have to make regarding our furrbabies. But you made it, because you're strong and because you love her that much.

You're in my thoughts <3

P.S Those pictures are beautiful and what wonderful memories to share, thank you for posting them =)

 

[Tik cat's mum]

Your girl was beautiful and loved, Guilt unfortunately comes were there is none with the decision to let them be pain free. I had the same guilt when I sent my boy across the bridge. You made the right choice she knows how loved she was.My thoughts are with you

 

[Newbee]

On Tuesday 28th April 2020 I made the heart wrenching decision to have my 10 year old girl put to sleep. I needed somewhere to put my thoughts into words because what they are doing to my head is killing me inside.

She had stopped eating gradually over a month, losing a lot of weight and was suffering with pancreatitis. We were working to treat it, when an ultrasound revealed she had an intestinal intussusception paired with an incredibly enlarged but not inflamed pancreas. The options were surgery to correct the intussusception, paired with a biopsy to test for highly probable Lymphoma, which would follow with chemotherapy and a prognosis of a few months to a year survival or euthanasia.

I'm not sure if this is the guilt setting in, the speed at which it all happened or the lack of options that we had but I have been suffering with severe anxiety since the fact we made the decision to let her go, I keep telling myself it was the wrong decision.

The surgery alone was quoted at £2-3k. Money we didn't really have. And I didnt really want to put her through it. She never did well in a cone (she couldnt use the litter tray with one on last time and became incredibly stressed an anxious every time she needed the toilet) and it would require a month of wearing it, plus a month of minimal movement and not being allowed to jump up on anything. We were told she would need the surgery the following day if we was to go through with it. Then there was the what ifs - if it was Lymphoma we was quoted as thousands for treatment by the vet. She would need to see a chemotherapy specialist which would be incredibly expensive. The prognosis was that she would live months, hopefully a year. Her quality of life wouldnt have necessarily been bad, but the frequency of pilling would have been an issue the vet said - as we always struggled to force pill her. The what if it wasn't cancer was never really mentioned. I believe the vet mentioned with her enlarged pancreas there would be lots of questions on her quality of life anyway due to complications arising from that but these conversations were not as coherent as they could have been - as I was beside myself for the most of them. I asked if we could have a day to think about the options and give her a night at home if we did decide euthanasia and was told that it wasnt in her best interest. We could have had her overnight at the most but it would have been better if we had done euthanasia or hospitalization that night. We decided on euthanasia from what the vet had said, thoughts about her quality of life and unfortunately a big factor was finances.

We had used up all our insurance hospitalising her for the pancreatitis, as the diagnosis took so long to come through that we tried countless ineffective treatments for Giardia, IBD, appetite stimulants, blood tests, fecal exams and check up after check up after check up. Racking up an eye watering vet bill. Most of the treatments turned out to be for ailments she never had. We had no insurance left when it mattered that could have gone towards the surgery. We could have maybe scraped together 2k if we tried, but did we want to put her through the surgery to discover it was cancer and we couldnt afford chemotherapy? Did we even want to put her through chemotherapy? What if it wasnt cancer? The vet was pretty sure it was cancer but that question is bouncing around my mind like an incessant little bug.

And she was still so full of life. She had days when she was in a lot of pain. She would hide under the bed a lot. She had a couple of accidents as she didnt like pooping in the litter tray anymore. I believe it's because she was in pain. But most days she was almost completely herself, still happy to play and watch the birds. She just didnt meow anymore. Not for food or attention. She was quieter and skinnier but not skin and bone. Previous cats I've had put to sleep the decision was an easy one - they were immobile, dying, old, and in a very bad way. Our girl didn't seem like any of these. And she was so young. I never imagined putting to sleep a 10 year old cat. Every checkup I brought her into they commented how alert and bright and overall in good health she seemed. Because of this - if it was cancer and we had pursued treatment - would she have lived for another two or three years in good health like so often you hear about? Dogs given three weeks to live carrying on for another year. Could she have surpassed all expectations?

Or would she have had a few months of complications, or even ineffective chemotherapy, and suffered? Would I then be cursing myself for pursing all the treatment in vain? Throwing thousands at her to keep her alive for my benefit? Or hers? I cant decide. But I didnt. I let her go and I dont know if it was the right one but she is gone now and I cannot undo that.

And I couldnt be there. It tears me up the most of all is that because of coronavirus she had to die alone, with strangers, in a cold veterinary office.

I'm so sorry my little lady. I'm so sorry if it was the wrong decision. I feel like I put a price on your life. I dont know if you were ready to go, and I miss you so much. I need to stop beating myself up about it but I cant help worrying I took your life in vain. I love you so much. I hope you are resting easy wherever you are.

View attachment 332189

I think I understand your pain .My beautiful Mia had an episode in early April that was horrifying to observe and helplessly wait for the vet clinic to open the next morning. She appeared drunk her eyes rolling from side to side w9

 

[Newbee]

I think I understand your pain .My beautiful Mia had an episode in early April that was horrifying to observe and helplessly wait for the vet clinic to open the next morning. She appeared drunk her eyes rolling from side to side .and walked swaying heavily to one side . It was supposedly an ear infection a $1000.00 later.Then sadly on May 8th I couldnt afford another paycheque or two to diagnose what was really happening. I too sat in my cold car for 2 hrs while they examined my sweet Mia only to tell me that putting her to rest was not the first choice they would make .Well during this time of this pandemic and out of work for 2 plus months and... knowing my sweet baby Mia better than any of them I knew she was very ill . I made that difficult call as well Mia had just turned 9. I loved her so much. I was able to go inside with her after she was sedated and I held her so tight as she took her last breath. I feel so guilty that the mighty dollar was what forced my hand to end her life . But somewhere under all my pain I know she was very sick . I miss her horribly its only one week today that I made that heart wrenching decision.
I got a new baby boy early this week as he helps soothe my broken heart .