Krista's Care

[daftcat75]

I’m having a hard time processing her final days and the guilt and fear that I may have brought on her final descent.

I recognize that she was in decline for some time. I also realize that with her weight, another infection, the antibiotics, and the weight loss that came with soup poops and slow eating associated with infection and antibiotic use were going to be a big challenge for her this time.

But I can’t help feeling that making the unilateral (and misguided) decision to bump her steroids without taking an off day just drove her weakened body too hard. I was greedily (and again misguidedly) hoping that the bump in steroids would bump her appetite too. Instead, I believe it hastened her dehydration. I believe dehydration is what ultimately took her. Maybe if I we got her on IV fluids on Monday instead of subQ on Tuesday, she might have had a chance. But I think by Wednesday morning, she was too weak.

The speed of her descent on Tuesday night was just too shocking for me to acknowledge or believe. If I knew that was going to be the last night I’d spend with her, I would have lifted her into bed with me. Or I would have grabbed the sleeping bag and spent it down on the floor with her. She should not have had to spend her last night sleeping in her litterbox.

Even our very last moments together, I feel like I rushed them. I put her back in the carrier too quickly because I couldn’t take it. Maybe if I let her spend more time on my chest in the car, she could have released and passed with me instead of alone in a cage. But I do take solace in that she’s always been a fighter and she went out fighting. As I said earlier, I can accept that she went out fighting because she knew I wouldn’t let go any other way.

She was struggling with her steroids for a long time. That’s why I wanted to make a change. I don’t know that she would have had much longer than she did. I just feel like I zagged when I should have zigged and I’ll never know the difference it would have made.

So if there’s lessons to be learned from this that I can try to pass on:

1. If your cat’s on steroids, work with your vet or a specialist to use steroids only at the dose needed to achieve remission from symptoms and then work on tapering the dose to the minimum needed to remain in remission. Preferably not a daily dose.
2. Don’t use steroids to fatten up your cat. They increased her appetite, but also her peeing and drinking. Steroids never put weight on Krista. They only made her weak over time.
3. Don‘t ever change your cat’s steroids dose without your vet’s guidance and consent.
4. Hyperadrenocorticism looks like diabetes. When your cat’s blood and urine glucose are good but she‘s still presenting diabetes-like symptoms and not gaining weight, ask your vet or a specialist about it. That’s what I think was making Krista weak from long-term daily steroid use. Don’t accept those symptoms as that’s just the way steroids are. See #1 and #2 and work towards the minimum effective (preferably not everyday) dose.

I am so very grateful for the extra time that steroids provided Krista. And that she eventually did enjoy a remission, as short as it was. I am so happy that her last poops on this Earth were perfect and that she did not go out with soup poops. I just wish we had figured out her remission sooner and I had better guidance on the potential harms of daily steroids.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I know, firsthand, that it is nearly impossible not to go through the 'what ifs' and the 'if onlys'. And, I wouldn't even dream of telling you to try not to. But, be kind to yourself while you are doing it; try to throw in some good memories of her in between the doubts and pondering. It won't make any difference to what happened, but over time you want to be able to overshadow the what ifs and if onlys with the best parts...the parts that truly represent Krista.

 

[fionasmom]

I completely agree with FeebysOwner . I have had two animals who were receiving medical care for a serious illness suddenly make a rapid decline....and then, of course, you/we/people look for the one thing that triggered it and replay and ponder it. I am in no way challenging your opinion of steriods in human or animal use as I feel that you are completely correct but the two of you had reached that give and take place where it is so hard to figure out if something is helping or not or if it is entirely neutral. My opinion, which certainly could be wrong, is that at this point you were buying days with Krista and not much more no matter what you did.

And I have certainly been in the "did I say goodbye for long enough" place as well. Animals know that we loved them by the life that we give them, and not by something that happens a few minutes before the end.

The rapid change is something that stays with you. In my case, a dog and a cat, both were ill, not doing great, but stable it seemed. Both declined in a matter of hours....like when I walked out of the room they were in they seemed like themselves, and when I walked back in I realized that they needed to be released. Going one way or another was not going to make a difference.

 

[daftcat75]

The amount of trust she always had in me.

 

[tarasgirl06]

View attachment 347029
The amount of trust she always had in me.

fionasmom and FeebysOwner both had some very caring and excellent thoughts, I feel -- I hope they are helpful for you, a little or a lot, as you go through the grieving process and the inevitable questioning that accompanies it.
Our vet when Sun was on steroids told me that steroids are not harmful to cats they way they are to humans. He was the doctor, and we had an excellent rapport, so of course I took what he said as true and trusted him.
When someone we love goes on ahead, especially if they have been in our care, there will always be self-doubting, what-ifs and questions that will remain forever unanswered. Each of us is unique and each of us is physically finite. While some look for and hope for "living forever" on this earth, I have different thoughts and feelings, as you know. The worst part of Krista's physical passing is that you miss her, and miss her you will, probably always. I miss all of my loved ones, and always will until we are reunited. With some, I have similar what-ifs and questions. The fact is that, no matter what we do or don't do, no matter what course we take, we will never know.
What you DO know is what you just said above: "The amount of trust she always had in me." Trust is a very rare thing in this world. Here is an unconditionally loyal, loving soul, in a very small physical structure, who knew you loved her and would always do right by her. She knows that now, from where she watches over you. THINK about that.

 

[MissClouseau]

I’m having a hard time processing her final days and the guilt and fear that I may have brought on her final descent.

I recognize that she was in decline for some time. I also realize that with her weight, another infection, the antibiotics, and the weight loss that came with soup poops and slow eating associated with infection and antibiotic use were going to be a big challenge for her this time.

But I can’t help feeling that making the unilateral (and misguided) decision to bump her steroids without taking an off day just drove her weakened body too hard. I was greedily (and again misguidedly) hoping that the bump in steroids would bump her appetite too. Instead, I believe it hastened her dehydration. I believe dehydration is what ultimately took her. Maybe if I we got her on IV fluids on Monday instead of subQ on Tuesday, she might have had a chance. But I think by Wednesday morning, she was too weak.

The speed of her descent on Tuesday night was just too shocking for me to acknowledge or believe. If I knew that was going to be the last night I’d spend with her, I would have lifted her into bed with me. Or I would have grabbed the sleeping bag and spent it down on the floor with her. She should not have had to spend her last night sleeping in her litterbox.

Even our very last moments together, I feel like I rushed them. I put her back in the carrier too quickly because I couldn’t take it. Maybe if I let her spend more time on my chest in the car, she could have released and passed with me instead of alone in a cage. But I do take solace in that she’s always been a fighter and she went out fighting. As I said earlier, I can accept that she went out fighting because she knew I wouldn’t let go any other way.

She was struggling with her steroids for a long time. That’s why I wanted to make a change. I don’t know that she would have had much longer than she did. I just feel like I zagged when I should have zigged and I’ll never know the difference it would have made.

So if there’s lessons to be learned from this that I can try to pass on:

1. If your cat’s on steroids, work with your vet or a specialist to use steroids only at the dose needed to achieve remission from symptoms and then work on tapering the dose to the minimum needed to remain in remission. Preferably not a daily dose.
2. Don’t use steroids to fatten up your cat. They increased her appetite, but also her peeing and drinking. Steroids never put weight on Krista. They only made her weak over time.
3. Don‘t ever change your cat’s steroids dose without your vet’s guidance and consent.
4. Hyperadrenocorticism looks like diabetes. When your cat’s blood and urine glucose are good but she‘s still presenting diabetes-like symptoms and not gaining weight, ask your vet or a specialist about it. That’s what I think was making Krista weak from long-term daily steroid use. Don’t accept those symptoms as that’s just the way steroids are. See #1 and #2 and work towards the minimum effective (preferably not everyday) dose.

I am so very grateful for the extra time that steroids provided Krista. And that she eventually did enjoy a remission, as short as it was. I am so happy that her last poops on this Earth were perfect and that she did not go out with soup poops. I just wish we had figured out her remission sooner and I had better guidance on the potential harms of daily steroids.

It is always the best to leave the last word to the vet with a serious disease and with how to use medicine - they definitely have more experience with serious diseases, and with medicine in addition to their study. But also because there is always a "what if" if we decide ourselves and the outcome isn't what we hoped for. With that said, what ifs is a part of grief no matter what. And something that can't be answered. Maybe there would be another, worse problem if things were different as oppose to something better.

I googled Krista's situation after her passing and I found chemotherapy could indirectly cause UTI and other infections - they get infected with the bacteria that naturally exists. Or if there was cancer, if the cancer spreads. Without chemotherapy though she would have passed earlier. Regardless of what led to the infection, she was weak to fight it off. If we get lucky enough to see our senior years, this is an end for all of us. Something at one point will be too much to fight it off.

Maybe if I let her spend more time on my chest in the car, she could have released and passed with me instead of alone in a cage.

We can't control dying like this that she could release and passed with you. I know feelings vary and there is no right or wrong but, I was right by his side when my dad passed. Since then I don't want any loved ones to be there when I pass. Just to say "dying without loved ones by your side" isn't a bad thing for everyone. Some of us would actually choose that option and maybe Krista would too.

Also, based on what I saw and read when someone is dying from illness that they get weak like Krista did, their brain doesn't function well enough to feel much. So you were actually *there* when Krista could feel you and it meant something. And throughout all the beautiful years you had.

 

[tarasgirl06]

View attachment 347029
The amount of trust she always had in me.

Wondering how you're getting along and hoping you check in sometime soon -- just because so many of us here care and you're in our thoughts and *Prayers*.

 

[daftcat75]

That’s close enough.

But don’t go too far!

 

[stacydc83]

She sure was an adorable girl. She had that kitten face even in her advanced age. I'd love to see some pictures of her in her youthful years! I hope your doing ok. I know the first week is unbearable. Trying to figure out what to do with yourself. I remember with Callie I couldn't sit still nor function, and I had Lily to console also, who just didn't understand and kept looking for her.
I know people give good advice on dealing with the grief, its such a personal thing and everyone does it differently. I couldn't look at her pictures for a very long time. Now her picture sits on a butterfly frame on my book shelf by my bed. And 4 years later I can still get choked up thinking about her, but when I speak of her I speak of the happy times. Im sorry I have no real advice or even comforting words, I'm so bad with stuff like this, but I know the hurt, and if you ever need to just talk or vent, I'm here to listen, as I'm sure everyone who's been following your thread also

 

[daftcat75]

I adopted Krista as a two year old adult. I don’t have any kitten pictures of her.

These are some of the oldest pictures I can find of her.

 

[daftcat75]

 

[tarasgirl06]

I adopted Krista as a two year old adult. I don’t have any kitten pictures of her.

These are some of the oldest pictures I can find of her. View attachment 347322View attachment 347323View attachment 347324View attachment 347325

Oh, what a gorgeous colorful kitten. *Two years is still "kitten" IMHO.* I really love the top picture, of her meowing, and the one of her rolling on her back. And the upside-down, wide-eyed close-up. Yes, she certainly had the kitten face,always!
I love "holding hands" with cats. My beloved angel Simba and I "held hands" when she was ascending. I lay right beside her.
Yes, stacydc83 -- we are certainly here for daftcat75 and I certainly empathize with you.
The happy memories often bring tears, but I wouldn't not have them for the world. When all is said and done, the most important parts of our lives are those spent with our loved ones!!!

 

[daftcat75]

She was still kittenish in behavior when I brought her home. She loved shredding toilet paper rolls with her mouth. I quickly corrected this with a towel over the roll anytime it wasn’t in use. Eventually she outgrew it. She also enjoyed chewing hard plastic like USB and power cables. This was a tougher habit to break. It mainly involved hiding these cables and connectors until she outgrew that behavior as well. She never outgrew the laser pointer or the shoelace even though her spirit and desire exceeded her abilities towards the end. In the week before she passed, I shined the laser for her and she flattened down. But she was in no mood or shape to chase it. It’s saddest that memories of her infirmed state are the freshest. But at least when she enters my dreams as she has every night since passing, her coat looks fantastic and she can still make her jumps.

 

[tarasgirl06]

She was still kittenish in behavior when I brought her home. She loved shredding toilet paper rolls with her mouth. I quickly corrected this with a towel over the roll anytime it wasn’t in use. Eventually she outgrew it. She also enjoyed chewing hard plastic like USB and power cables. This was a tougher habit to break. It mainly involved hiding these cables and connectors until she outgrew that behavior as well. She never outgrew the laser pointer or the shoelace even though her spirit and desire exceeded her abilities towards the end. In the week before she passed, I shined the laser for her and she flattened down. But she was in no mood or shape to chase it. It’s saddest that memories of her infirmed state are the freshest. But at least when she enters my dreams as she has every night since passing, her coat looks fantastic and she can still make her jumps.

See? She's very, very well now! and definitely very close by, watching over you.
And speaking for myself, in time, those unhappier memories recede, to be replaced by the wonderful ones. Because that worn-out structure just isn't needed any more, and those feelings are GONE. It's like if you've ever had a pretty major injury or sickness. At the time it was omnipresent, right? But try to remember it now, and it's more hazy, isn't it? You can't get the complete feeling, because I believe that's part of the way we're given to endure these things and go on. We don't stay stuck in the harshness. We progress, especially if we're receptive to them watching over us, because they certainly don't want us to be in a bad place. They can't share the complete wonder of how and where they are now with us, but they absolutely want us to know they are doing very well!

 

[daftcat75]

See? She's very, very well now! and definitely very close by, watching over you.
And speaking for myself, in time, those unhappier memories recede, to be replaced by the wonderful ones. Because that worn-out structure just isn't needed any more, and those feelings are GONE. It's like if you've ever had a pretty major injury or sickness. At the time it was omnipresent, right? But try to remember it now, and it's more hazy, isn't it? You can't get the complete feeling, because I believe that's part of the way we're given to endure these things and go on. We don't stay stuck in the harshness. We progress, especially if we're receptive to them watching over us, because they certainly don't want us to be in a bad place. They can't share the complete wonder of how and where they are now with us, but they absolutely want us to know they are doing very well!

So much dust in this room!

 

[daftcat75]

I love "holding hands" with cats.

Krista was always sensitive to annoyed with having her paws handled. That’s why it makes pictures like those so “touching”. . “I don’t want you holding my paw or touching my paw. But I’ll reach out to you.”

 

[FeebysOwner]

That's Feeby, too. She really doesn't want me 'handling' her paws, but she is just fine and dandy to place them on me - and expect me not to move away. She is not sleeping by my side in the bed every night like she used to do religiously, but when she does - oddly enough - she has to have a back paw touching me.

The crazy quirks that cats have, and what makes them so endearing.

 

[daftcat75]

“I’m going to need you to sign off to feed me three times during your work day.”

She’s literally the only office mate I’ve had at this new job.

My workday just got that much more lonely and longer.

 

[tarasgirl06]

View attachment 347461
“I’m going to need you to sign off to feed me three times during your work day.”

She’s literally the only office mate I’ve had at this new job.

My workday just got that much more lonely and longer.

I empathize 100%.
Hoping to take Tarifa in today for swelling, redness around her right eye, and tearing from it. She had some kind of upper respiratory thing a couple of weeks ago and didn't eat much for a few days -- I was very concerned, but it passed and her appetite is very good again. Her hygiene is excellent, too. But the eye looks and seems painful. So we have to get it checked out. She's going to be 18 in less than a month and I don't want to put her through the stress of a vet appt. But I think we need to.

 

[daftcat75]

I empathize 100%.
Hoping to take Tarifa in today for swelling, redness around her right eye, and tearing from it. She had some kind of upper respiratory thing a couple of weeks ago and didn't eat much for a few days -- I was very concerned, but it passed and her appetite is very good again. Her hygiene is excellent, too. But the eye looks and seems painful. So we have to get it checked out. She's going to be 18 in less than a month and I don't want to put her through the stress of a vet appt. But I think we need to.

All my previous objections to bringing Krista down to the vet at the first sign of trouble seem foolish and reckless now. I wonder how much time I may have had for her if I wasn't so stubborn about not wanting to stress her out. Or myself. I don't like vet bills, worrying about findings and results, and cleaning up after a stressed cat. But none of that seems to matter if I could have caught something earlier, before it became a big enough deal to punch through my anxiety and stubbornness. I'm not saying that's what's going on here with you and Tarifa. I'm just musing for myself. If I wasn't so vet averse myself, maybe Krista could have achieved remission earlier, could have seen a specialist about her treatment, could have gone on IV fluids before it was too late, could have, maybe, perhaps...