Julian. Regret, Gut wrenching crushing pain

mentat

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Julian. I am so sorry. Damn this isolation and damn this horror. I regret, yet know I could do nothing. No control, no resource, no value, to you when suffering like that. I have never had one of you need me so much, and I was late, I was weak, I was in a deep deep fatigue, took sedatives to finally sleep after days of body pain and a mind screaming to go help my loved ones, but I stayed, I didn't leave, and I protected us. I woke to my baby sister, calling my name frantically. Julian was trapped, I don't want to move him. I suddenly realized, he wasn't in bed with me, with Tink at my front, with Eleanor and Bowie at my back. I left him, closed the door to the room they'd just moved me to, better isolated, safer, from the human family.

My white and black spider monkey man was wet with his own vomit, regurgitated pounds of dog food, and urine, closed in the food bin all night, humid and stifling from his own expired air. He was heaving, swallowing, dry retching, and I wiped off the wet food, loosely wrapped him in my shirt. At first, I thought, it's okay, I'll recover your fluid losses, we've got you, I've got you, it's okay. Then, I saw his abdomen, lightly palpated it. He had vomited all night, he'd sucked air open mouth panting all night. His 7lb body had a softball for an abdomen, extending from chest, to groin, pushing his bladder lower. His bladder was a hard firm, turgid, irregular lump when palpated. He was very painful. I'm isolating. No. There's no one open now, no one, no surgery, no one, not for 120 miles. No one. This is bad. I'm so sorry, baby, I'm so so so sorry.

I change mode from treat and stabilize, regain losses, to inject high dose buprenorphine in his thigh, let him rest sternally, while I gather my supplies. I catheterize his left front limb, holding his little black and pink toe beans, lightly squeezing them, pulsing. He flexes them in my hand, spread those patched beans wide. Yes, Julian, not long now. He's relaxed now, but still breathing hard, mouth wide. I minimize holding him, knowing how painful that distended, food and fluid filled abdomen is, so much pressure and compression on other organs. His wet side with the hair flattened is really showing the heaving abdominal breaths, the struggle, his agonal rise and fall. Sedative in, slow, gradual push, empty the syringe.

I wrap him in the towel, still in my shirt, and hold him against my chest. I talk nonsense, and gibberish, no words, just sounds. Slowly, his heaving eases, slowly he goes from gasps to light breathing. Slower, slower, forever it seems, his once racing heart is felt against mine, barely. Humming and singing under my breath, waiting. I hold him under my chin, against my breast, and don't move. Just be. I don't know how long I hold him. My sister said it was a half hour since she woke me, when she stuck her head into the den kitchen area to check on me, on us. Trying to stay away, she was struggling not to come help me, holding herself back. Damn this pandemic.

I laid Julian down, I washed my face. I cleansed his body of the drying waste from his time trapped, dried him, and brushed him. Returned him to the counter, and cleaned and dried his feet. Julian has the best beans, so many patterns of pink and black marbled on each toe. I take some toe bean pictures, wipe snot on my sleeve. Grab the nearest pen, remove the ink vial, snap it and ink his pad and digits. After paw prints of all beans complete, I lay the prints to dry. I wrap his body and prepare it for cold storage. I hold him one more time, one long time. After placing him away, my energy gone, I slowly bend and clean up all the debris and hair. Save the hair I clipped from his leg, his chest, his soft soft belly I once buried my face in while he burrowed into my neck.

My Julian. Jules. Julio. Spider monkey, where are you, I call, every morning, any time I re'enter a room and he hadn't followed me, letting Tink flank me instead. Tink's old lady croaking meow gets my attention. I pick her up, tuck her close, she let's me, when there was a 50/50 chance she'd want to be left alone, as her FHS waxes and wanes, and she is not as attached to riding my shoulder when time makes her bones and skin more sensitive. I stare blindly into nothing, and just sync my hitched breathing up with Tink's rumble. We miss you, Julian. A week, feels like a moment ago.

We'll curl up and grieve, longer than a few seconds at a time, when this hell is over, and we can all wrap our arms around each other and shudder as we cry and keen over losing you. I never would've been fatigued and sedated, but for this time, this world, of stricken shock and cycling losses, waking to a new death, a new story of wondering where this one is, I haven't heard, thought you got her last message, who's got a bead on where she was moved to, who knows where my friend, my kin, this friend, where are they, is she ok, he's gone, he's gone. We got contact, Martha is home now, she's ok, she's alive, she's breathing hard for weeks to come, doc says, but she's alive. It's ok.

I gotta go clean up, medicate, and keep checking on my NC family, Martha, on Michelle, on German, on their 14yo seizure dog, alone at home, Keeper, call the petsitter, on Sandra and Todd, my hearts, my lifelines, keep them safe; on Kerri alone in NYC with the kids, on Mom, on my 4 little sisters, their sons, from CO to DC, on Matty, WA, he's cleared, he's ok, cuz, on Nana, 93, isolated early, good facility, clean, safe, on my aunts and uncles, 70s all, no time, Julian, no time now. But, this was a moment, to reflect on you. Hold your ink prints, touch your hair, so soft, cold. I can't look at your pictures, not yet. I can't. I will. When we are safe, when we are clear, I will. I love you Jules, my leetle beetle spider monkey.

Please keep this open for me in the months to come. I want to show my family, Julian's family, and we'll look at his images, and post his little face, in time. Thank you
 

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Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Julian, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I am devastated by this. Gut torn. The one, forlorn.glimmer of dim light in all of this is that you were there, and you knew what to do and how to do it. And now, from That Place Where All Things Are Known, Julian blesses you for that.

We are here, and will remain here, whenever you need us. My heart with yours.
 
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mentat

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Remember. That first visit at the CCCC veterinary technology department, as the kennel manager "vet tech in training" led me into the cat jungle gym room? You were perched on the furthest cat tree, high above, watching everything, watching us all. My eyes locked on your white and black splotches, not a tuxedo, then, hmm. You stared as I walked deeper into the treatment area, away from the jungle gym climbing walls and shelves of mewling cats, teeming and gossiping away.

You slowly blinked as I approached. Eyes locked. Rather than follow the students so proud, wanting to show off their lab, their equipment, their achievement *CE* certificates, and their Cougar program pets they pull from shelters, learn to "tech" with, then adopt out. Our eyes don't leave each other. I reach up, extend my almost 6ft frame, and my fingertips rest on your perch. You grab them, soft pads wrapped around my digits, and peek down, over the edge. "Well, Hello. And you are?" "Winx, he's...mmm.. "anti-social;" we've had him 2 yrs, no adoption interest, he's our veteran vet tech kitten," the tech interrupts ;] No, no, that's not your name, or your game, pffft, "anti-social." She'll learn, you're good for her, make her work for it, king felid of the Cougar Clowder.

You release my fingers, I follow her so she can show me, with pride, the rest of the clowder they've gathered from high-kill shelters across the state. "I think you'll love Georgie. Or maybe...Butters. Come see the beagles! We've so many we "steward" for a genome project at a lab; we've all signed promissory adoption agreements, each student, is getting a "Lab Beagle!" Get it?! A labeagle?! We should patent that designer breed!" I catch "Winx's" eye. He yawns, shrugs, and curls up on his cloud throne. I'll be seeing you Not-Winx. I have some prepping to do, and a 14 yo one-eyed wonderpup tripod to negotiate with, for she's always the family ambassador, after she socialized and trained hundreds of fosters pups n kittens to "adoptability," not I, adding slowly to our own family horde (hoard?) the last 3 years, as she carefully screens her charges for family recruiting, no longer just her and I and our palomino steed of adolescence, and the Heartstrings Herder has final say...
 

Jcatbird

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I am so sorry. Sorry for the loss and sorry that none of us can be all things to all loved ones at every second, as much as we desire it. Rest you ,and Julian will remain with you in your heart. They never leave us really. He dances on beautiful beans above you now. He will want you to rest and be well. He knows it all. Sending you strength and whatever peace we can send from here my friend. One step at a time and we all march together through this. There is a light ahead.
 

di and bob

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There are no words to comfort you, no words that can. Grief is a personal, one on one experience that is as unique as a snowflake and just as mind-numbing cold to a loving soul. No one can grieve as you do, no one loved Julian the way you do. You somehow found the strength in that love to end his pain and through it all were there to hold and love him.
You gave him the home and the love he yearned for, you gave him his everything. For that he will always love you, his love will forever be bound to your own soul because what you shared was spiritual, so eternal. He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. He treasured life and the love you shared, let those memories be the ones that eventually will bring comfort to your breaking heart. Don't let your grief consume you, he would never want that for one he loved so very much. As you would want for him if you were the first to go, let his love live on through you now. Building upon it, adding to it, and giving happiness and love in life, just as he did.
Nothing can change what happened. You have to have intent to hold guilt. It was a tragic accident. My heart goes out to you as one who knows this awful pain. I can tell you that time is the only thing that eventually dulls the sharp edges of grief, and to let the love of others enter your broken heart and allow it to begin to heal. There are others who love you and need you, lean on them in your time of need, and distract your mind from going to that cold, dark place. Do something that will make you feel better about yourself, and do it in Julian's name.
The road he now follows will always parallel your own, he was in your life and shared your life's journey for a reason. That reason was love. For now, allow yourself to grieve, and let others who have stood in your shoes share your burden. It will make it easier to bear. We can help you down that road to healing, it is one that is traveled often and it contains many turns and curves. Just take time to help yourself heal, get through each day and take that first step forward, each and every day, one day at a time.......RIP precious Julian, you will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in loving hearts. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

solomonar

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We all leave Earth, all Creatures, some day. But as long as we inhabit Earth, some are blessed to encounter Love.
Happiness and grief, sweetness and bitter - these are all bricks of our life.
In the battle of life, a gentle, friendly hand, thinking to our beloved, to the moment we return Home - that is so precious!

Bodies are ephemeral, memories are eternal.

Tears here. Be strong and confident, for everything is for a Reason.
 

Talien

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I know it's probably small comfort, but at least he got to spend his last minutes with you and didn't die alone, scared, and in pain in that bin.

RIP, Julian.
 
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mentat

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I try to assuage guilt. Take some time to remember him and feel the pain, the loss in my marrow, in my deep deep self we all protect. The trauma during this time is ongoing and never ending. The strength I usually garner post trauma in a moment's rest does not garner as there is no rest. The well is empty. Ayn Rand protected my psyche for so long, but without my boy, I am armorless, exposed, raw. It scares some around me. Accustomed and trained to strong, capable, smart able body that I no longer am. Their worry and fear is deflected. I can't protect them from my pain and weakness anymore. My pets are all in foster while I am under remote specialty providers' care in a friend's home without solitude or sanctuary. Better when I sit with their anxious pets, desensitized and destressed by my handling responses and techniques. My oldest cat left now, after losing 3 geriatrics and Julian since last July, had emergent care after family neglected her while I was hospitalized. She is brighter and hydrated now, DJD and FHS improved, but abdominal inflammation persists. I strive to get her the laser therapy and Assisi loop I know will help her. While I am displaced, surrounded by too many people and their needs/wants and opinions. No solace. No closure. No coping. Waiting for that magical hub PCP to take a look and become the advocate I now need. To get back to a person, a body, with furry family and own home to seek harmonious sanctuary.
 

di and bob

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Your well is not empty. A tiny part of it is filled with Julian's 'essence', and the many others you have loved, and always will be. Love is spiritual, so eternal. When you allow yourself to sink into the abyss of pain and loss, it consumes your soul and does not relinquish it's hold easily. Living through the pain is one of the hardest things we ever do. But that is the key, living WITH it, not FOR it. Do not let death win, it takes too much already.
No matter how much we want to, the past is unchangeable. Just like our beloved cats, we must learn to live in the present. Fully live, embrace life because it is precious, because it is our greatest gift. Julian's love will always be with you, he will be forever as close as your memories. send the pain where it belongs, to the past, and open your heart to new loves, to allow Julians to grow and bloom by adding these to what is already there. Never replacing, that can never be, but adding side by side, building upon.
Time is the only thing that helps us find our way back to the path of happiness and serenity. But first, we must learn to push the sadness back where it belongs, to concentrate on living in the present. To celebrate and remember Julian's life, the precious gift he gave you, his love. Do not make his death more important than his life. Concentrate on moving forward, not backwards. Living in the present and taking one day at a time.......
 
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