Jokes of all types and stripes

[doomsdave]

My friend, a real estate agent, wrote an ad for a house she was listing.

The house had a second-floor suite that could be accessed using a lift chair that slid along the staircase.

Quickly describing this feature, she inadvertently made it sound even more attractive:


"Mother-in-law suite comes with an electric chair."

 

[doomsdave]

A young couple, just married, was driving through OH, when they just had their first loud argument.
As they continued on their trip, they became silent...
After driving 2 hours in silence, they passed a farm with pigs, mules and cows.
Husband: Haha, Are these your relatives?
Wife: Yep
Husband: Really?
Wife: Yes, my in laws.

 

[doomsdave]

A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as "Saint George and the Dragon".

The landlady answers.

"Could you give a poor man something to eat?" asks the tramp.

"No!" yells the woman, slamming the door in his face.

A few minutes later, he knocks again.

"Now what do you want?" the woman asks.

"Could I have a few words with Saint George?"

 

[Boris Diamond]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

 

[doomsdave]

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

A guy is trying to sell his talking-dog act to a cabaret manager. To demonstrate the fantastic abilities of his dog, Roscoe, he asks it to answer a few questions.

"Roscoe, how's life?" "Rough, rough," replies the dog.
"Roscoe, what do you put on top of a house?" "Roof, roof."
"Roscoe, who was the greatest baseball player?" "Ruth, ruth."

The manager tosses them out on the street. Roscoe nuzzles his owner, licking his scrapes, and says, "Sorry boss, I guess he's a DiMaggio fan."

 

[Boris Diamond]

What did one bee say to the other?
Wasabi!

 

[debbila]

There's a fine line between a denominator and a numerator. Only a fraction of you will get this.

 

[Boris Diamond]

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life". "Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor asked.

"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!" "So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor. "No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.

Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?" and the farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"

 

[debbila]

The minister said to a woman who had been very sad and now looked so happy, " Your so happy now. What has changed in your life?".
Woman: " I got married!"
Minister: " That's wonderful! "
Woman: " No, he's mean to me. "
Minister: " That's terrible."
Woman: " No, he's rich."
Minister: " That's wonderful. "
Woman: " No, he's stingy. "
Minister: " That's terrible."
Woman: " No, he built me a beautiful house. "
Minister: " That's wonderful."
Woman: " No, it burned to the ground. "
Minister: " That's terrible. "
Woman: " No, he was in it. "

 

[Boris Diamond]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."

 

[Margret]

I stole this one from someone on Twitter:
How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler: Answer

Just one. But he needs three light bulbs.

Margret

 

[debbila]

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it will change itself when it's ready.

 

[doomsdave]

BARFLY 1: "The wife and I had a big fight."

BARFLY 2: "Oh, what about?"

B1: "She goes to Walmart and complains about the huge pains in the posterior cashiers and I asked her if she was using self-checkout again, and she slapped me."