I've been taking care of a stray cat

[yomamab]

since early last fall and he's been coming here mostly every day to eat. My dilemma is that I want to bring him inside eventually but hubby says NO to that idea. He says our two cat wouldn't get along with him and he's afraid that they'd end up spraying in the house (they're neutered, btw). Our two cats, both males, are about 5 years old and are inside cats who are taken outside for about an hour every day by our daughter for their supervised walk. This stray cat, who we call D2 (looks very similar to our one cat, Dean), seems to want to be friends with them and he will follow them around (or try anyway) outside on these walks. Our more dominant cat, Sam, always ends up chasing him away. He's not real aggressive anymore like he had been when D2 first started showing up here, but you can tell that he doesn't want to be bothered with him.

I am taking D2 to a clinic on Wednesday to get spayed because we're all tired of the smell of cat urine outside, and also I just think it would be irresponsible of us to let him impregnate neighborhood cats. I actually had wanted to get him "fixed" over a month ago but we had to cancel the appointment because of a bad snowstorm. The clinic is an hour away from here, is free (I applied to a cat group for a voucher to give them at the clinic and the bill will go to the group), and too far for us to drive to on those terribly snowy roads or else we'd have had D2 neutered before this, as I'm well aware of about when cats start looking around for mates.

D2 is such a nice laid-back cat who doesn't seem like he'd hurt a fly. He even ignores the birds (from my perspective anyway) that are around here. I think he would make such a nice house cat and would love to be able to bring him inside eventually and it upsets me to no end that my husband and daughter are both against it. I feel like they are ganging up on me about this. They don't think that our cats will ever accept D2. Is that the case sometimes, that inside pet house cats might not accept another cat? I've read online about people having multiple cats and so it's hard for me to imagine our cats not ever becoming friendly with this poor stray cat. Would they indeed start spraying in the house or would D2 spray in the house even after he's neutered? It just tears me up seeing him outside in the blustery cold winter, especially when it's snowing. He sits outside the door of our screened-in porch looking in at Sam and Dean and I can't help but wonder if he's capable of thinking something like," If they're in there, why can't I be?" Maybe I'm like my husband says and too emotional and put human feelings on a cat when they're not capable of thinking like that, but how do we absolutely know for sure that they're not capable of thinking that way? My husband and I have had more fights over this subject lately than we've fought about anything else in a long time. I just wondered what other people think of this situation and if you think that D2 can live outside on his own for an extended period of time. I have no idea how old he is. I just know that he has been hanging on the outskirts of our yard since early last spring and I guess after months finally worked up the nerve to come closer to the house. Our daughter was actually the one who started feeding him but it was occasionally. Then I started feeding him every day and have gotten attached to him. I'm the only one here who IS attached to him. I pity him being outside all by himself with not a friend in the world to hang out with.

 

[nurseangel]

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. It is true that some cats never get along, but in my situation it comes from one knowing they can bully the other. (Speck and Daisy have to be kept separate because Speck's mind has slipped a little; Elsie is so terrified of Rue that they can't mix.) However, in most cases I've found that cats can learn to live with each other, even if they dislike one another somewhat. I don't want to make any suggestions that might cause problems with you and your family. I would recommend you asking DH or DD to go to the vet with you when you take D2. Maybe the vet can help explain how cats generally adapt to each other. Please keep us posted and best wishes. I know that look, "Why are they in there and I am not?"

 

[gilmargl]

It's a shame your daughter can't be persuaded to, at least, not discourage D2, when she takes the cats for a walk. You have the ideal situation for introducing a new cat to Dean and Sam. She walks 2 on leashes and D2 follows. If this is done often enough, without your daughter shooing D2 away, they will eventually accept the presence of a third cat. Unfortunately, a cat on a leash feels at a disadvantage so Sam's aggression may simply be because he's not free.

When I had indoor/outdoor cats, there were always unknown cats hanging about outside, which my cats would chase away. It took me some time to identify a stray as opposed to a cat with its own owner somewhere in the neighborhood. By the time I had started feeding the stray, my own cats already knew the newcomer and complicated introductions were never necessary. In one case, on the day I first put food down for a ginger kitten (male), my own cats (male) didn't bat an eyelid when, against my better judgment, I let my daughters bring the flee-ridden creature into the house! Things took a lot longer when a female started hanging around for food. She was shy and, when it became apparent that she was pregnant, I left the cellar door open, hoping that she would find her way into a large room, where I'd left a cupboard open and placed washing baskets lined with towels strategically available for the birth. She wasn't stupid, and took advantage of my offer! When the kittens were a few weeks old, I risked bringing mother and babies into the rest of the house. Once more, my male cats immediately accepted the newcomers - one acting as the boisterous uncle playing with the kittens.

What I wanted to say: your cats are well aware of this stray cat outside. They know exactly what's going on. After he has been neutered D2 will possibly be more acceptable to Sam anyway. When your daughter takes them for a walk, just make sure she doesn't shoo D2 away (or encourage your cats to do so). If you are very patient, and with a little bit of luck, daughter and cats may come home one day followed closely by D2.
I have found that when there are any disagreements in the house concerning pets, just keep calm, let things take their course, the pets often work things out for themselves. I hope things go your way (and D2's of course).

 

[fionasmom]

Since I only rescue, usually ferals, I bring cats into the house as needed. It is often a matter of life and death. I always put the newcomer into a room of his own, like a bathroom or other small room, set up with everything that is needed. Once cats take on a house smell, you brush them with the same brush, rub them with the same towel, it starts to work. I have never had to turn a cat back outside.....dogs either, but that is for another website.

In the case of this boy, I agree that your cats know him. The last two I brought in, one being my avatar and the other being her sister, were born feral under my neighbor's house....long story short....TNRed, relocated feeding to my back patio area, my indoor cats watched them for a long time and vice versa and the introductions were incredibly minimal once I brought them in last year during a very heavy rain storm.

I don't think that you are anthropomorphizing him.....I am sure he understand that there is an inside. The sister of my avatar was so thrilled to be inside that she turned into Goldilocks....going from bed to bed, dish to dish, heating pad to heating pad, water dish to water dish, AC vent to AC vent and ironically her life outside had been way better than it is for most ferals.

 

[yomamab]

Thank you for all your replies. I enjoyed reading about all of your kitty stories, and I also like your avatars. I guess I will just play it by ear, continuing to care for D2 outside and making sure he has plenty of food. Now that it's getting warmer outside here in PA, I won't be feeling as bad for him, but it really does practically kill me to see him outside in the winter wondering if he'll be okay or not. We had an especially snowy winter this year, especially compared to what we had been having the past several years when it hardly snowed at all. Sometimes D2 wouldn't show up here for a few days after a snowstorm. I suppose he couldn't make it through the snow from wherever it was that he goes. I don't think he has an owner (besides me/us) because he wasn't exactly well-fed when he showed up here. I'm glad that we can at least put food in his belly even if I can't bring him into the house. He's not feral and lets me pet him, but he doesn't like to be held at all and stiffens up whenever I try to pick him up and hold him. It's not like he'd go wild if I'd ever try to bring him into the house, but you know the situation between me and my husband and daughter; they are totally against bringing him inside. They're main reason is that they're afraid that our cats wouldn't get along with him and bad behaviors would result from it. I also think their other reason they mentioned is petty, saying that he's not a pretty cat. I agree he's far from being the prettiest cat I've ever seen (he's orange and white spotted), but I'd never turn a cat away for that reason. I just think that's stupid to give that for a reason not to want to keep him inside. Actually, if they'd entirely have their own way, they wouldn't even want me feeding the kitty at all. I feel bad for him being out there all by himself and I don't get outside often, so he's basically out there all the time by himself. I think he must have had an owner at some point because he's not a feral and it just makes me wonder if he might miss having human company. I don't know what else to do besides continue to feed him and hope that eventually our two inside boys will take a liking to him. Until that happens (if it ever does), I guess he will have to remain outside, and I hope that it won't hurt him being out there. Thanks again for your replies.

 

[fionasmom]

Leonardo Da Vinci said that the smallest feline was a work of art. All cats are beautiful.

I have a very close friend in PA, we talk at least twice a week, and she has had concerns for her ferals who were outside this winter as well. With warmer weather coming, you will at least have that consolation.

The only other thing I can think of is for you to continue to take care of him as best you can and see if a rescue can step up at some point and help you. He does sound like a former pet and he might be able to be adopted and worked with. It will take some networking for you to do this, but most of it could probably be handled online. Even people on Nextdoor might be helpful. If an individual offers to take him, just try to screen them first.

Not to criticize your husband and daughter, but I never understand people who seemingly like animals but draw the line at helping one. My mother was that way. She had champion poodles but never expressed any interest in another kind of animal. One day I found a small lab type puppy in distress ( I was an early teenager at the time) and brought it home. She was not home and I called her to tell her what I had done and she told me that I had to get rid of it before she got home.....which I did find someone to take it but at that age I was really only capable of handing it off and hoping for the best.

 

[yomamab]

Leonardo Da Vinci said that the smallest feline was a work of art. All cats are beautiful.

I have a very close friend in PA, we talk at least twice a week, and she has had concerns for her ferals who were outside this winter as well. With warmer weather coming, you will at least have that consolation.

The only other thing I can think of is for you to continue to take care of him as best you can and see if a rescue can step up at some point and help you. He does sound like a former pet and he might be able to be adopted and worked with. It will take some networking for you to do this, but most of it could probably be handled online. Even people on Nextdoor might be helpful. If an individual offers to take him, just try to screen them first.

Not to criticize your husband and daughter, but I never understand people who seemingly like animals but draw the line at helping one. My mother was that way. She had champion poodles but never expressed any interest in another kind of animal. One day I found a small lab type puppy in distress ( I was an early teenager at the time) and brought it home. She was not home and I called her to tell her what I had done and she told me that I had to get rid of it before she got home.....which I did find someone to take it but at that age I was really only capable of handing it off and hoping for the best.

I guess you know then what our winter was like from talking to your friend who lives in PA. I thought that it would be pretty rough for a cat to be out in that weather and thank goodness that spring is here. Yes, I will continue to take care of him and I don't know if I could get a rescue to take him or not. Being that he's not the prettiest cat, I can imagine him being at the shelter for a long time and then I wonder if he'd be happier being outside having his freedom rather than being penned up somewhere in a shelter. Considering the abundance of cats, I really do think it would take a very long time for D2 to get a home. I will take your suggestions into consideration though. I never heard of Nextdoor; I'll have to look that up online.

Like you, I don't understand people either who seemingly like animals but yet think twice about helping one, as in this case. I firmly believe that if it wouldn't be for me feeding D2, he'd have to wander around hoping for someone to give him handouts or that he'd somehow find food on his own somehow, not necessarily having people actively, purposely feeding him. I'm sorry that your mother made you get rid of the puppy you rescued as a teenager. Thank goodness that you were able to find someone to take it. That would have stressed me out if I had been in that situation. That was very nice of you to save it.

 

[fionasmom]

On the bright side, a lot of cats live successfully outside and it will be warm for a while where you are. I do have outdoor ferals who are TNRed, no chance of coming into a house because they are truly feral, but still they have been here for a long time.

You are getting him fixed this week, so that is another thing in his favor. He will not wander as much and you might feel more secure about his living habits. Let us know how it goes with the neutering. Maybe things will change with your family over time if he appears to be even more calm and agreeable.

 

[yomamab]

On the bright side, a lot of cats live successfully outside and it will be warm for a while where you are. I do have outdoor ferals who are TNRed, no chance of coming into a house because they are truly feral, but still they have been here for a long time.

You are getting him fixed this week, so that is another thing in his favor. He will not wander as much and you might feel more secure about his living habits. Let us know how it goes with the neutering. Maybe things will change with your family over time if he appears to be even more calm and agreeable.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I've read that indoor cats live longer than outside cats, and so I automatically came to the conclusion that D2 might not live long outside. That's good to hear that you have outside cats that have been there a long time.

That's true what you said now I think about it....I have heard/read that once they're neutered they won't wander as much. I sure how that that will be the case with this kitty. I have no idea where he goes at night, but I see him take pretty much the same route every day, walking down further through our side yard past our outbuildings (this used to be a little mini farm piece ages ago and there's an old "shanty", chicken house, and corn crib). Then he walks into the woods beside us (we don't own them) and I watched him one evening go over through until I lost sight of him. I've always wondered just how far he goes and if he stays in someone's building overnight or if he hunkers down in an old tree stump or what. There are plenty of trees that have fallen over in the woods over the years and I don't know if a cat would stay in one of those or not. I've always wished that he would at least stay closer to our house like in the styrofoam hut I have outside for him or somewhere here that would be closer and safer for him. At least he wouldn't have to trudge all the way over through the snowy woods in the winter time. That hut I spoke of is only about 20-30 feet away from our house and I've seen him in it off and on but not very often.

Yes, I will come back here and let you know how the neutering went after we take him in to the clinic on Wednesday. I know that after that gets done, he will be missing part of his ear, and I hope that that won't bother him. It's part of the agreement when I decided to get help from this cat group that helps with paying for the surgery. It says on the paper that if a person doesn't agree to go along with that, then the person will be responsible for paying the bill. Our two inside cats are neutered, but they were already neutered when we got them from the rescue where they came from. I guess it's normal procedure to ear tip feral/stray cats that are "fixed", as in the case of D2. Our two inside cats did not have any ear-tipping done. When we adopted them, we agreed that they would be indoor cats. At a later date, my daughter started taking them out for walks, but they're still inside cats. I wish I could say the same about D2 but to keep peace in the family, he has to remain outside for now and maybe forever. Like you said, though, you never know if things might change sometime in the future. I'm still hoping that the kitty will somehow grow on them and they won't feel so belligerent towards him. I guess that word fits. It's not like they'd hurt him, but they don't give him any attention either. Hubby feeds him sometimes, but neither he nor our daughter give him any attention really, and that makes me sad for him. I'm not outside much, like I said, and so he has very little human interaction. Every time he hears the door open, he comes looking for attention (my interpretation anyway).

Thank you again for your replies. I really appreciate it.

 

[fionasmom]

I have had many cats eartipped including the two ferals who are now indoor cats. I have never had one react to it or seem to know that it was done. It does let others know that he has been fixed, that someone took care of him, and is a valuable sign to people who might see him.

 

[CatladyJan]

Maybe once D2 is neutered things will go more smoothly. Some cats will never get along but learn to co exist

 

[solomonar]

Would be possible to arrange for a temporary shelter in your yard, like a cardboard box?
Is there any place that can offer warm spots? Like hot water pipes. If there is, you can place the box over it.

===

As far as I know the masculine way of thinking, better don't push for an agreement. Just stress he would help the cat if he accepts him. Nothing more. Be patient and play the affection score.

I guess the real cause of the rejection is that 3 cats are too much. I would think in a similar way, simply because there is always a limit, and family comes first. It sounds cruel, I know, but I also think that a compromise is always possible, people just have to work hard to reach it. Both parties must work for a compromise. Like -say -having D2 as an indoor-outdoor cat?

I guess your husband told you not to humanize the D2 only to help you get through the bad feelings.

 

[yomamab]

Would be possible to arrange for a temporary shelter in your yard, like a cardboard box?
Is there any place that can offer warm spots? Like hot water pipes. If there is, you can place the box over it.

===

As far as I know the masculine way of thinking, better don't push for an agreement. Just stress he would help the cat if he accepts him. Nothing more. Be patient and play the affection score.

I guess the real cause of the rejection is that 3 cats are too much. I would think in a similar way, simply because there is always a limit, and family comes first. It sounds cruel, I know, but I also think that a compromise is always possible, people just have to work hard to reach it. Both parties must work for a compromise. Like -say -having D2 as an indoor-outdoor cat?

I guess your husband told you not to humanize the D2 only to help you get through the bad feelings.

We put D2 in our cellar and he was fine overnight. As far as a somewhat permanent shelter (until it would probably eventually fall apart, as nothing lasts forever), I put together big pieces of styrofoam to make a little shelter for D2. It's nothing like if he'd be inside our house, but I thought it would at least give him an option to get out of the brutal cold being totally inside with nothing over his head and surrounding him. It's barely taller than him and doesn't have an opening much bigger than him, but he can get in it just fine. I actually looked over some plans from a website that had instructions on how to make a shelter for a feral cat. Even though he can go in it at any time, it seems like most times he chooses to walk away from here in the evening and head over through the woods that's beside us even if it's snowing or raining. It's almost like he doesn't have any common sense. At least, I think if I were a cat, I'd want to hunker down in a dry makeshift small "house" rather than stay out in the elements and get snowed and rained on. I don't know, I'm probably thinking too much like a human and maybe cats are too much of free spirits than to be "tied down" in a manmade shelter at night.

Yeah, I've decided not to push it too much with the argument of wanting to bring D2 in the house at some point. Neither my husband or daughter want to hear a word about it and that's that. So I more or less have to bite my tongue and shut up, but I can't help feeling like I'm being ganged up on and when I feel like he should take my side, he'd rather side with our daughter. It makes for a rather difficult living situation lately and most of our arguments have been about that. I'd even settle for having D2 being an indoor-outdoor cat, but they turn their hearing off as soon as they hear the word "indoor" when it comes to D2.

I will post later about our neutering adventure yesterday. It went well.

 

[solomonar]

Perhaps D2 has no sufficient food or fresh water in his temporary shelter.
Hunting is also important, he may go into the woods to hunt. If so, perhaps playing with him will keep him nearby.
I guess neutering will make him roaming less. Not sure about that, though.

 

[fionasmom]

I am glad that you got him into your cellar at least. Cats are very unpredictable about bedding and sleeping arrangements. Granted, I am in LA and it is not that cold, but I have the garage set up with beds and heating pads and have outdoor shelters made of the huge containers and almost none of that is used, even in the rain. A very grateful possum has moved into the garage though.

 

[yomamab]

I am glad that you got him into your cellar at least. Cats are very unpredictable about bedding and sleeping arrangements. Granted, I am in LA and it is not that cold, but I have the garage set up with beds and heating pads and have outdoor shelters made of the huge containers and almost none of that is used, even in the rain. A very grateful possum has moved into the garage though.

Ha, that's funny about the possum! I'll bet too that he/she is grateful for finding that nice spot!

 

[yomamab]

Everything went well with D2's surgery. Being that he's a male, I guess it's not as risky as with a female. They also thought that he's a nice cat, as they told us when we returned to take him home. We had arrived there a little before 8 AM to drop him off and were met at the door by a gal who handed me a paper to fill out with our information, cat's name, what we were having done, etc. It only took a couple minutes to do all of that. I also asked them if they could check him for ear mites and treat him if he had them and they said yes. She showed me the place on the paper to check where I wanted that done. That was our responsibility if we had anything else done besides what was already provided by this cat group that I went through, but I thought that a mere $10 was worth having D2 being comfortable if he had mites and they'd be treated.

My husband and I left after awhile and killed time until they called us at 11:00 telling us that he'd be ready to be picked up at 11:00. When we arrived, we were met at the door by the same gal as before and she said that D2 did well and that he did indeed have earmites, for which they treated him. I don't know why I thought that they would rub something on the inside of his ears to get rid of them (I don't know if they did, but she didn't mention doing that), but she said that he was treated with Revolution drops. She also "gave" me a tube of it to bring along home and to apply that to the back of D2's neck in another month. So I'm hoping that that will end the problem, but since I'm no expert and don't know how to check for ear mites, he could get mites again in the future and I'd probably really have no way of knowing/suspecting it other than maybe noticing if his ears look dirty, which is what made me suspect this time that he possibly had them. I imagine that a cat would be pretty miserable feeling ear mites in his ears and so I'd feel kind of bad ignoring any future problem. I can definitely say, though, that I don't think my husband would go along with my taking him to the veterinarian for any problems, unfortunately. We're not really financially well off, which is probably why I shouldn't have started feeding D2 to begin with, but I can't help feeling sorry for stray animals being outside on their own scrounging for whatever food they can find. Hopefully, my husband would agree to my buying Revolution every now and then to treat any possible infestation. I guess stray cats would also be pretty miserable if they'd have fleas on them. For the people having feral (as opposed to stray) cats, I'd imagine that there'd be no way to treat them for either ear mites or fleas because how in the world would you be able to get close enough to the cat to treat it?!

What I thought was so cute about this whole D2 neutering experience was that he didn't make a peep all the way to the vet clinic or all the way home either. Not even one meow, which is more than I can say for any other cat that we've ever had over the years. All of them at one point or another (if not every single time) meowed in the car on the vet trips. He does seem to be a laid-back type of cat, but I really did expect him to meow in the car. I'm glad that he didn't, though, because that would have just given my husband one more reason to be against him. I don't think I'll ever understand his attitude towards him, but I know that it does cause me a fair amount of stress trying to deal with it.

I really appreciate your replies and listening to my situation and trying to help me and D2. Again, I do hope that things will change over time, but I'm sadly, I'm not counting on it.

 

[fionasmom]

You did the right thing in getting him fixed. That is a huge plus for his health and safety. He does sound like a very sweet boy. Revolution will take care of the ear mites and is much easier than having given you drops or something to keep reapplying. It is a little pricey and is a prescription. You have another month's worth so just go with that for now and see where your husband is then about buying more if you are able.

I have two ferals who do get Revolution. One lets me pat his head and rub his neck, so it was not a huge step to putting it on him. The other one is more skittish but can be touched. However, you are right about the true wild ferals who will never be retrapped do not get that kind of care and sometimes you just have to accept that.

I am so glad that the whole neutering experience went well. You really stepped up to the plate for D2 and I hope that possibly things change or he has a chance at a home. The neutering might make him seem more pet like.

 

[solomonar]

I am delighted to hear the good news!
I am sure you and your family will be feeling very comfortable to care D2.
It is just a matter of time, like anything else in this large World, I guess :-).

 

[yomamab]

Thank you again, everyone who has replied, for your advice and encouragement. I'm sorry but I'm not normally on this site like I guess some of you are. I can see why some people are because you seem very knowlegeable about cats. I love cats and we've almost always had a cat at some time or another, but due to time constraints, health problems, and my lack of confidence in advising others about cats, I only come here from time to time and am not a regular. I hope it doesn't appear that I'm brushing anyone off if I don't return here for awhile. Although it probably sounds selfish to say this, but it seems like I only come here when we have a problem with one of our kitties. I do love them! D2 is doing well and so are our two inside cats, and I wish that it would stay like that forever. I really have trouble dealing with adversity, especially when it comes to our kitties. Thanks again for all of your help!