Is There Some Rule That Husband And Wife Have To Eat The Same Food At Every Meal?

[misty8723]

I will apologize in advance, because this is going to be a rant and I'm not sure it will be totally coherent. By same food, I mean that whatever he eats, I must eat, not that we have to eat the same meal every night.

I'm just so tired of this argument with my husband. I know this is a foodie forum, but I don't like food. I really don't. And the older I get, the less I like it. I also don't like to cook, it's a chore at the end of a long day that I could really do without, and I just hate cleaning up after a meal...especially a meal that I didn't like and may not have eaten.

So here is the problem. My husband is retired but he will not do anything, no grocery shopping, no cooking, no cleaning up. He also will not tell me what he wants to eat. Any time I try to figure something out for him, he doesn't want it. I ask him what he wants for supper, I get "you decide." I can't decide, I don't want to decide, I want him to tell me what the heck he wants and I will attempt to provide it for him, so I can get on with my life. I don't want to spend my free time looking for recipes I think he might like that I can modify so that I will eat.

His big issue is that that ALL families eat the same food at the same time, and it doesn't matter if I eat WITH him if I'm eating something different. It also doesn't matter that I've been like this since he met me. I've had food issues since I was a kid. I have selective eating disorder. You can put a bowl of catfood, a dish of poop, and a plate of something that most people would be drooling over, and it all looks equally inedible to me. I can't help it! No matter what certain male members of this household believe, I really can't help it. If I put a big plate of beets (for example) or califlower in front of him, he wouldn't eat it. It's the same with me - with just about everything. Why do I have to eat food I hate that makes me gag just because he thinks ALL families eat the same thing at the same time. Why do I have to eat food that is going to make me physically sick because I have a sensitivity to it? Why is food that big of a deal anyway? Shouldn't the companionship of being together FOR the meal outweight what is eaten during the meal?

And before anyone gives me the argument that I'm doing it for the attention, that I'm just being picky, that I don't know what I'm missing, that if I get hungry enough I'll eat it ... I've heard it all. I would give a lot to be different, to be able to walk into a restaurant or a friend's house and just eat whatever is available. It is a tremendous handicap and embarrassment and I've gone to great lengths throughout my life to hide the way I am.

If anybody actually read this, thank you, I have just heard this argument one time too many and had to get this out of my system. I guess there is no answer except that he really doesn't care one whit about me and it's all about what HE wants.

At least my kitties don't care what I eat, as long as I feed them on time. <lol>

 

[margd]

I'm afraid your post sent me off on my own rant in your defense. After awhile, I realized perhaps I came across too strong so I'm deleting everything I said but just want you to know that no, there is no such rule. And you shouldn't have to do all of the housework either. The entire situation must be infuriating.

 

[Kat0121]

If the two of you went to a restaurant, would he expect you to order the same thing as him so you'd be eating the same thing?

There is no reason why you should not eat what you want. I think that most families end up eating the same thing simply because it is convenient. Not all families do everything the same way though. There is no "dinner time rule" that suits everyone.

If it is his opinion that you both must eat the same thing and he offers no suggestions or assistance than he should be served what YOU want. If he does not like this, he can make something for himself. You eat what you want/can.

 

[Winchester]

Oh for crying out loud.....the man needs a good smack up alongside the head. Seriously.

If your husband is retired and he's not doing anything, then he needs to get with the program. Now.

And that's all I will say about your husband. (And if I've offended you, I'm sorry. But it is what it is.)

For the most part, Rick and I will eat the same meals, simply because it's easier that way. If I make spaghetti, that's what he eats. If I make chicken, that's what he eats (although he will complain about it; he really doesn't care for chicken. But he'll eat it.) When I'm working on the grocery list, I will always ask him if there's anything he's hungry for or if there's anything he wants. If he says, "Nope, I'm good; it's up to you," that really does mean he's good and it's up to me. And that's how I take it. He has no right to complain. None. The night before, when I'm getting ground out of the freezer to thaw for dinner the next night, I ask, "Dear, anything you want me to make with ground beef?" If he wants meat loaf, I make it. If he wants chili, I make that. If he has no opinion, I make what I want. And he'll eat it. Or he will make something on his own. Or he will go hungry. Yeah, it really is that simple.

Years ago, Rick would eat dinner, then go into the living room while I cleaned up. One night, I walked into the living room and said, "So, I'm curious.....do you need a written invitation to help me? Because I can give you one!" Now he helps. I won't do it alone. I work, too, and I have meetings and I'm just as busy as he is.

In your situation, I would advocate a strike. But that's just me.

 

[Kieka]

I know what you mean about some things you just can't eat. I have a texture issue with foods and while it ends up being relatively easy to avoid in social situations or hide that I am not eating the rice or pudding or whatever it's still annoying. I feel physically sick after forcing myself to eat some things just to be polite.

That aside, my family has some food restrictions by choice (like I recently went paleo) or need (my dad is allergic to chicken and dairy). We eat together but a lot of times whatever we are eating is modified to the persons specific desires. Like I have lettuce tacos and my dad has his tortillas while my niece gets chicken nuggets.

For us we decide the weekly menu on Sunday and it goes up on the board. Shopping is Sunday for what can keep. Anything to marinade gets sealed in a bag and frozen or in the fridge depending on when it is for. Anyone who doesn't want what is posted gets to fend for themselves. My Mom does most of the cooking (because she is retired and home). I help with the cleaning, assuming she didn't finish it before I got home because we tend to clean as we go.

My Dad is a lot of the same mindset of woman cook and clean. Although whatever dishes are in the sink in the morning he will clean (only in the morning and every morning, don't know why). But every now and then my Mom tells him she would like his help and usually aims towards his masculinity. "Honey, I can't move the couch it's too heavy. Can you please move it? Oops forgot about the laundry I'll fold it while vacuum and mop under it?" type things.

 

[misty8723]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I don't know how to do quotes in this new site so here's a few replies:

Margd, I actually read your post before you deleted it, and I do agree with a lot of what you said. I should have mentioned that he does have a lot of good qualities, fortunately, or we would not still be married after 27 years (grin). And also I'm the kind of person who would rather go with the flow than make a fuss most of the time, so I guess we have drifted into this relationship. Those are the two biggies, mostly the housework thing, but the food business is a fairly recent development. I'm no different and it never bothered him too much before.

As for the cleaning, I guess he grew up in the era where women did the housework. But in this case, he isn't pressuring me to do it, and he has said that it doesn't bother him and if it bothers me I should do it. He also tells me to do something "fun" instead of cleaning. It does bother me unfortunately, even though I've relaxed my standards to an alarming degree. Right now, I can look around and think I should be doing this or that. But oh well, I'm tired, so it will be there another day.

kat0121 - That is what I tell him - we don't order the same things when we go to a restaurant so what is the difference. He says I should be able to figure that out. Um..okay. I am too accommodating <sigh>. Last night he was being a jerk, so I just came down and fed myself. Later he came down and microwaved something, that was when we had a little spat and I posted out of frustration.

Winchester - No offense taken. If you can tell me how I can get him to get with the program I would be forever in your debt! I've tried just about everything I can think of. And I DID try a strike, when he was getting up and leaving his dishes on the table. The table was nasty, I was sure we were going to get bugs, but I left them One day maybe a week later he said "you're trying to teach me a lesson, aren't you?" and cleaned it up. Now he does clean up after himself (most of the time). Occasionally he needs a reminder. As far as making what I want, he would eat it, he would eat anything. The problem is there is absolutely nothing that I want that is worth the effort. I would rather eat a peanut butter sandwich or a bowl of cereal than cook something. Which is why I want HIM to tell me what he wants. Often I'll eat a modified version of it myself.

kieka - thank you for understanding! Texture can be an issue for me, but more often it's smell and sight that will do it. I have no problem with pudding or rice, but put a mixture of something, or something with garlic or other seasonings, and I want no part of it. I've been in the office where we had a taco bar and everyone is running around saying how good it smelled I was ready to gag. Trying to eat something that repulses me like that actually does make me gag. Which is one reason I avoid it, I have gagged in people's houses and it is so embarrassing.

Just thinking of my 88 year old father, who lives with my sister, and who helps her clean, does dishes, vacuums, etc. He won't cook though. He is like me (or I am like him), doesn't really like food. But if he can do that stuff at 88, I don't see why my lazy husband can't do a few things.

If anyone wonders what he does all day since he's retired - he works on the computer doing family history, building a web site, writing software (he was a software engineer), etc. He does his own laundry (I stopped doing that years ago), cleans his bathroom, and takes care of his "office." And play with the kitties!

Anyway, thank you all, I'm feeling better today, lol. We ate at Jason's deli (different meals) and I have nothing to have to clean up. If I the energy I would come up with a menu plan, but so far that has eluded me. I'm just so tired by the end of the day.

 

[Winchester]

misty8723 , I was talking to Rick about your post. He has a suggestion. Since you don't really like to eat that much, and since your husband doesn't help with clean-up or anything all that much, have you tried the frozen dinners that are in the store?

Now, I'm not talking about those cheap chicken pot pies or anything like that. I'm thinking of something like Healthy Choice and their meals: meatloaf with potatoes and corn and apple-whatever for dessert. Or salisbury steak with the sides and the dessert. I think Marie Callender does have pot pies and there are several different brands of frozen dinners in the grocery store now. Lean Cuisine has lasagna, spaghetti, Swedish meatballs, etc. You (or he) could supplement the dinner with bread, or a salad, maybe some fresh fruit, or even a couple of cookies for dessert. If one dinner isn't enough for your husband, just let him eat two of them. That way, he's eating what he wants (hopefully) and you're eating something or not, as you choose. I don't know your husband, so I don't know if he prefers home-cooked or is willing to eat those type of meals.

I don't know, it seems to me that that might be the answer, for a while anyway. I know the dinners can get to be a little expensive, so maybe if you only had them 2-3 times a week, that might help you both a little bit with choices and clean-up.

 

[misty8723]

Thank you for the suggestion, but for myself unfortunately, I've never seen one that I would eat, and I have looked a lot (too much seasonings and sauces). I am a hopeless case, for sure. He doesn't really like them either, though. Everything has garlic in it and I have issues with garlic and so does he but not as bad. I want to try the veggie ones, maybe I'll get brave one of these days. We both need to start eating healthier, and he would but only if I'M the one who initiates it. I feel like it's a huge weight on me and kinda weighing me down.

 

[Kieka]

Thank you for the suggestion, but for myself unfortunately, I've never seen one that I would eat, and I have looked a lot (too much seasonings and sauces). I am a hopeless case, for sure. He doesn't really like them either, though. Everything has garlic in it and I have issues with garlic and so does he but not as bad. I want to try the veggie ones, maybe I'll get brave one of these days. We both need to start eating healthier, and he would but only if I'M the one who initiates it. I feel like it's a huge weight on me and kinda weighing me down.

You could try meal prepping buffet techniques. Basically you prepare a lot of food on one day and then piece together meals when hungry.

Sheet pan bake a few different veggies then store in Tupperware for the week. Super easy in that all you do is cut the veggie, toss in olive oil then bake at 400 for 20-25 minutes.

Chicken can be left in a marinade over night then bake at 450 for 10 minutes and broil for 5-10 minutes. Store in Tupperware.

When it is dinner time you pick a chicken and veggie then microwave for 2 minutes. You control the flavors and spices but easy day to day. Just spend an hour or two twice a week cooking.

 

[Winchester]

Kieka , that's a good idea.

 

[2Cats4everLoved]

Holy Crap misty8723 - you struck a nerve. This has been an issue with me as well, and probably one of the things that pisses me off about my loving hubby the most. I too had a life struggle with food as I tend to chunk up if I don't eat at certain times, and it took me a long time to get the upper hand on food. It was after I did the Master Cleanse a long time ago, where after I finally took control and introduced foods that my body actually craved and not my mind.

When I first got married, my husband didn't get home until 11 at night and I would make him a full pot roast dinner etc, and this was not for me. It took me up until a couple of years ago (15 years later) to realize I DON'T have to eat when he eats or even eat what he's eating.

However, I still do all the cooking and clean up which he used to do but has forgotten how to do dishes. Totally annoying.

I too share the same sentiment where, I don't want to think about what to cook everyday, I don't want to have this close relationship with food. I rarely think about food unless I'm planning on what to make for him.

Since he doesn't cook or go grocery shopping, I plan a menu based on his work schedule. One thing that helps me, is that my hubby loves breakfast, so he gets that 3 times a week for dinner, either eggs, pancakes etc with a side of bacon or sausage, easy enough. Then I plan the other meals depending on what's on sale.

My neighborhood has cheap pork shoulder and chicken legs/thighs almost always under 40cents a pound. I can get 10 chicken leg/thighs when separated is 20 pieces. I plan different dishes from that. I may bake and just serve with mashed and corn, bake and take the meat and make Ala King or pot pie, etc same with the pork shoulder, either serve basic, or stir fry etc. he gets other stuff as well, Italian, Mexian blah blahblah. LOL

I write it on a calendar for each day what he will get and stick to it and it becomes a no brainer. I always keep chop meat handy because burgers are always a hit.

I on the other hand keep salad mixings, fruit and other things for myself. I rarely eat with him anymore, although we sit in front of tv so it may be different than your situation.

He gets what I give him, and when he makes a fuss, I tell him to make his own crap and he shuts right up.

It was exhausting and mentally draining figuring out day to day what the heck to give him, I totally feel for you, especially the way we view food.

But please remember, NO you don't have to eat what he's eating and you certainly don't have to eat with him. Eat when you're hungry.

BTW, I cook and bake everything from scratch, from pasta to Chinese food, I only have basic kitchen equipment.

If you need tips I can help. With my markets, I manage to feed my hubby and myself on 40 dollars a week or less.

All the best.

 

[2Cats4everLoved]

Thank you for the suggestion, but for myself unfortunately, I've never seen one that I would eat, and I have looked a lot (too much seasonings and sauces). I am a hopeless case, for sure. He doesn't really like them either, though. Everything has garlic in it and I have issues with garlic and so does he but not as bad. I want to try the veggie ones, maybe I'll get brave one of these days. We both need to start eating healthier, and he would but only if I'M the one who initiates it. I feel like it's a huge weight on me and kinda weighing me down.

I totally get you. I can totally help if you need. Again, I was in your place only a few short years ago, it took me so long to get a handle on it where I didn't resent my hubby. xoxo

 

[doomsdave]

Wow, misty8723, hope you can work things out.

And I got PO'd because the Baron likes to pee in places I'd rather he didn't.

(Yes, we're talking about you.)

IMG_2201.JPG

• doomsdave
• Mar 21, 2017
• 2

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I would tell him, "You buy the groceries and cook what you want because whatever I do doesn't suit you anyway. " Really he is too used to being catered to.

In our house we do eat the same things. I eat gluten free and for awhile when I first started, I cooked two different ways. Now he just eats what I can eat and is satisfied. Women, those of us who have husbands this agreeable are blessed.

 

[miagi's_mommy]

I’m not married but I live with my parents. I appreciate my mom’s cooking (I even love asparagus now bc of the way she cooks it!) but if she makes something like creamed tuna on toast or split pea and ham soup.. I won’t eat it. But being in the hospital I learned to appreciate any food she cooks even if I don’t eat some of the sides I freaking love mashed potatoes now (homemade). she makes a fantastic white gravy and I requested that instead of brown for thanksgiving ... because I was fed puréed food and I (couldn’t chew or swallow it was vile stuff) so I’d probably eat it if I HAD to. I’ve definitely become less picky because of the puréed food I ate for a month in the hospital.

 

[foxxycat]

Just wanted to say you are not the only one with this issue..my boyfriend says the same- you pick- says he doesn't care- and of course I will cook something he likes and I won't eat it..so I end up cooking 2 different things...but I just wanted to write I do understand your frustration..I started asking mine to chop up x y and z when I get home-I ask for help-it seems to help. It just frustrates me because I feel he should want to cook...but he was alone for 2 decades and never cooked...god not sure how he fed himself other than take out but there's only so much take out I can take!

 

[kashmir64]

After reading all this, I'm glad I never married. I only have one man in my life, my son. He helps cook, clean up, do dishes, takes out trash, vacuums, and goes grocery shopping, etc. Man I'm going to miss him when he leaves home.

I hope you can get your husband to understand that it's not just a woman's responsibility anymore. He needs to understand that not everyone wants or likes the same food. Best wishes on this one.

 

[betsygee]

My husband and I have been eating different things for many years. I'm a vegetarian, he's not. I like whole wheat pasta, tortillas, etc., he likes white flour products. Sometimes we have four pans going at once--whole wheat pasta in one, white flour pasta in another, vegetarian marinara sauce in another, meat sauce in the fourth. Lots of times he eats whatever vegetarian meal I make but he also buys his own meat in bulk at Costco, freezes it, and then cooks whatever he wants if he feels like eating meat.

We don't have any set rules about who does what. We both grocery shop, cook, and clean up, though generally he does more of the cooking and I do more of the clean up, which is fine by me.

I hope you can find some way to work out something equitable misty8723 . Your situation sounds really unbearable.

 

[doomsdave]

I’m not married but I live with my parents. I appreciate my mom’s cooking (I even love asparagus now bc of the way she cooks it!) but if she makes something like creamed tuna on toast or split pea and ham soup.. I won’t eat it. But being in the hospital I learned to appreciate any food she cooks even if I don’t eat some of the sides I freaking love mashed potatoes now (homemade). she makes a fantastic white gravy and I requested that instead of brown for thanksgiving ... because I was fed puréed food and I (couldn’t chew or swallow it was vile stuff) so I’d probably eat it if I HAD to. I’ve definitely become less picky because of the puréed food I ate for a month in the hospital.

Maybe send me your mom's recipe for white gravy? Mine's more like white paint!

 

[misty8723]

I would tell him, "You buy the groceries and cook what you want because whatever I do doesn't suit you anyway. " Really he is too used to being catered to.

In our house we do eat the same things. I eat gluten free and for awhile when I first started, I cooked two different ways. Now he just eats what I can eat and is satisfied. Women, those of us who have husbands this agreeable are blessed.

My husband will eat whatever I cook, but the problem I have is that I just don't really like food in general, and I hate to cook. I've told him I'll fix what he wants, but he has to tell me. Sometimes he does, sometimes he acts like a jerk.