Is it possible I grieved my cat's passing before she was even gone? And how soon is too soon for another cat?

Meg142!

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 3, 2019
Messages
152
Purraise
154
Hello all, I wasn't sure which thread to put this in. My poor, sweet, Fiona was put down two weeks ago due to PKD, a genetic kidney disorder.

I'm just feeling a little strange because after she passed, I felt so strangely at peace. I think this is because I knew I would be putting her down at the end of the week. She was getting really bad and I knew that there was no treatment to help her any longer. Because I knew and accepted that decision, I think I may have gone through the grieving process before she was even gone. I definitely went through all the stages. The denial, the anger, the uncontrollable crying. And I think the moment she was gone, I reached acceptance.

I'm still very sad, but now I'm able to go through my pictures and videos of her and laugh at her crazy antics. before she passed, watching them made me cry because I realized how bad she was getting.

So my question is, is it possible that I grieved her passing before she was even gone? A few days ago I was thinking about how I would really like to get another cat soon, which kind of confused me. With my cat before her, his death was very sudden and it took me almost a year to be okay with the thought of getting another cat. But now, I'm almost excited about the idea of having a cat around to cuddle again. Obviously I plan on waiting a bit longer, but How long did you wait before getting another cat? Has anyone else just felt ready for another cat within a few weeks?
 

tarasgirl06

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
24,708
Purraise
64,894
Location
Glendale, CATifornia
Hello all, I wasn't sure which thread to put this in. My poor, sweet, Fiona was put down two weeks ago due to PKD, a genetic kidney disorder.

I'm just feeling a little strange because after she passed, I felt so strangely at peace. I think this is because I knew I would be putting her down at the end of the week. She was getting really bad and I knew that there was no treatment to help her any longer. Because I knew and accepted that decision, I think I may have gone through the grieving process before she was even gone. I definitely went through all the stages. The denial, the anger, the uncontrollable crying. And I think the moment she was gone, I reached acceptance.

I'm still very sad, but now I'm able to go through my pictures and videos of her and laugh at her crazy antics. before she passed, watching them made me cry because I realized how bad she was getting.

So my question is, is it possible that I grieved her passing before she was even gone? A few days ago I was thinking about how I would really like to get another cat soon, which kind of confused me. With my cat before her, his death was very sudden and it took me almost a year to be okay with the thought of getting another cat. But now, I'm almost excited about the idea of having a cat around to cuddle again. Obviously I plan on waiting a bit longer, but How long did you wait before getting another cat? Has anyone else just felt ready for another cat within a few weeks?
My heartfelt condolences for your loss of sweet angel Fiona, M Meg142! We lost our beloved Tarifa on August 17, so we both have pretty raw grief.
If someone, of any species, has a terminal/uncurable illness, it's natural for loved ones to grieve even before losing them. I'm pretty sure almost everyone does this. But there is no timeline and no "right " or "wrong" to mourning a loss.
As someone born into a family "with cat" and who has shared almost every day of my life with cats, it's my policy when possible to open my heart and home to another cat in need, usually very quickly after losing a loved one. Often, it is only days before this happens, and it is absolutely my preference. I work in cat advocacy 365 days a year, and I know how many, many sweet cats are in need of loving permanent homes. Since our "wonderful" (heavy sarcasm intended) Surgeon General proclaimed spay/neuter "elective" rather than the life-saving procedure it is, we have in essence lost an entire 9 months in our hard battle to real the point where every cat will be able to have a loving permanent home. We were down to approximately 733,000 animals killed in our "shelters" per totals for 2018 compiled in August 2019 as the result of years and years of education, spay/neuter, and rescue, TNR, and adoption efforts. All of that progress may be lost as a result of this man's ill-advised, arrogant and uncaring decision. So yes, ADOPT ASAP. Our "shelters" and our streets are full of sweet cats desperate for loving permanent homes.
 

amethyst

TCS Member
Super Cat
Joined
Nov 25, 2016
Messages
948
Purraise
2,850
Location
Alberta, Canada
I don't think there is a set time limit on when is too soon, each relationship we have with our pets is unique. So even though with one cat it took you a year, it's likely because you weren't ready to let go, it sounds like this time you knew it was time and were ready. If you are able to focus on the good, and not the end, I think you are ready to get another cat. You aren't replacing your cat, which I think is where a lot of people feel guilt from, they think it somehow disrespects the previous one, so there must be a set amount of time, but really you should look at it as starting a completely new relationship, with another cat, the only way it's connected is you now have room for another.

Although not a cat I had a similar experience with dogs, my first dog died suddenly it was an accident, but I didn't want another for over a year, and even then went with one that didn't look the same. Then I had to put down another dog a few months ago, he was old and was going down hill for awhile, age related issues as well as a tumor. It was far harder to watch him suffer on bad days, knowing the time was coming. The weeks and days leading up to having him put down were the more painful then actually having the vet put him to sleep. I definitely still miss him, and still cry from time to time, but I know without a doubt I did the right thing, and I'm ready to open my heart to another as soon as life gets back to normal.
 

FeebysOwner

TCS Member
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jun 13, 2018
Messages
22,442
Purraise
33,215
Location
Central FL (Born in OH)
I am so sorry about Fiona. RIP little girl. :angel:

Everyone is different, and only you can do what you feel is right for you. I lost Tawny, after weeks of agony, to FIP. The same day I had to say goodbye to him, another kitten mysteriously showed up on my property. I took her in with open arms. Would I have immediately gone out an gotten another cat - probably not. But, I did not feel as if I was betraying Tawny by giving Gracie a home. We had gone through a lot in Tawny's last days/weeks, and knew there was no hope. Maybe that does make a difference.

I still miss him, and Gracie, even as much as I dearly love Feeby. You can do that too, and still give another cat love and a home.
 

tarasgirl06

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
24,708
Purraise
64,894
Location
Glendale, CATifornia
*Big hugs FeebysOwner FeebysOwner *
I also look at this issue like this: If a family has kids and they lose one, it's not betraying or replacing the lost kid if they adopt or have another kid. Love isn't like that. I've had a large multi-cat family for most of my adult life. I've always tried to adopt after a loss. I never stop missing or loving those who are up there waiting for me to join them. But I'm all about advocating for cats, and I know the hard truth that too many never find loving homes. If I can, I always give mine to someone in need. I KNOW my lost ones want that and it's the most heartfelt tribute to them I can think of.
 

waddle

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jun 4, 2005
Messages
403
Purraise
191
Location
Minnesota
You know a new kitty doesn’t replace Fiona, so I think any time you feel ready is the right time. I probably won’t bring a new kitty into my household until both my old ladies are gone, but I doubt I will wait long. I don’t want a house with no cats in it!
 

daftcat75

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 7, 2018
Messages
12,642
Purraise
25,128
Yes. It sounds like you started grieving before she passed because you knew it was a certainty. But it’s also only been two weeks. You could still be in shock right now. There could be a second grief wave coming. I felt the one month mark far more acutely than I did anything in the first two weeks. I was sad and bargaining and in denial and not feeling it fully yet at two weeks. But at three weeks I got her cremains back. And at 1 month, it seemed like I’d be counting the weeks (and months and years) since she passed forever. But then something shifted after that first month. I’m still always a tender thought away from tears. But I’m not crying at my desk nearly all day long.

Everyone does this differently. There’s no single right way. It’s possible that you started grieving early enough that you had spent your tears already. But it’s also possible that you’re just not feeling it yet. Especially with caring for ill cats for a long time, there’s sometimes relief and then guilt about that relief before the full weight of the loss is felt.

Your heart will let you know when you’re ready again.
 
Last edited:

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,468
Location
Where my cats are
The only time I would say it's wrong is if you were looking for a replica of Fiona. I have found grief is different for every person/pet that you lose. But I can echo what tarasgirl said above; when you have someone with a terminal illness like that, you do grive before hand. In some ways you lose them twice but are given some peace when you know their suffering is at an end.
 

denice

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Feb 7, 2006
Messages
18,838
Purraise
13,144
Location
Columbus OH
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I think it is possible that you grieved and accepted the loss before she passed. I agree, as long as you are not looking for a 'replacement' then it is fine to want another cat now.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,582
Purraise
22,962
Location
Nebraska, USA
I have felt the way you do also. When my Chrissy died in a horrible accident, it took me years to get where I am now, I doubt I'll ever get over it. But when my sweet Burt died of cancer, watching him decline and suffer was horrible. I would give anything to have ended his pain sooner, but vet trips were so agonizing for him, I still think I made the right choice. I felt the kind of peace and relief with his passing as you do. I didn't want him suffering any longer, and he was. When you can accept what happened, and know in your heart that they are at peace, then there is always room in your heart for another. No matter if it is years from now or the next day, your new love will add to, not replace the love already there from Fiona. i think Fiona will help you decide on which little one to bring home, maybe even two!
 

klunick

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 22, 2020
Messages
4,358
Purraise
12,150
I also grieved before having to put cats to sleep. It's a coping mechanism, I guess. I knew that it was going to happen so by the time it did, I was resolved with the fact. Not to say I didn't cry my eyes out when I was taking them to the vet to be put to sleep but by the time I was back in the car heading home, I was ok and felt a peace in my body.
 

susanm9006

Willow
Top Cat
Joined
Feb 20, 2011
Messages
13,153
Purraise
30,221
Location
Minnesota
My nineteen year old girl Murphy was ill with cancer for months before she passed. In the end when her suffering became too great I had her euthanized. I definitely did my grieving while she was alive and while I was sad at her passing I also felt relief that she was no longer in pain. I did not plan to ever have another cat but a week later visited a shelter “just to look” and came home with one year old Willow. At first it wasn’t love as much as wanting to give a cat a good home but I have grown to love her. Not in the same way as Murphy but she has given me great joy and comfort.

It does sound like you are ready. Go with your heart and adopt.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #13

Meg142!

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 3, 2019
Messages
152
Purraise
154
I also grieved before having to put cats to sleep. It's a coping mechanism, I guess. I knew that it was going to happen so by the time it did, I was resolved with the fact. Not to say I didn't cry my eyes out when I was taking them to the vet to be put to sleep but by the time I was back in the car heading home, I was ok and felt a peace in my body.
This is exactly how I felt. I cried my eyes out all the way until the moment the vet told me she was gone. Once he said that, I just felt a wave of peace. I knew she was ready to go, and I know she was grateful that I was able to let her go when I did.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #14

Meg142!

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 3, 2019
Messages
152
Purraise
154
My nineteen year old girl Murphy was ill with cancer for months before she passed. In the end when her suffering became too great I had her euthanized. I definitely did my grieving while she was alive and while I was sad at her passing I also felt relief that she was no longer in pain. I did not plan to ever have another cat but a week later visited a shelter “just to look” and came home with one year old Willow. At first it wasn’t love as much as wanting to give a cat a good home but I have grown to love her. Not in the same way as Murphy but she has given me great joy and comfort.

It does sound like you are ready. Go with your heart and adopt.
I asked because my sister showed me a picture of a cat at our local shelter. And all of a sudden I was really excited by the idea of giving a cat a home. I was really surprised by that because of how soon it was after Fiona passed. After I saw that other Kitty's picture, I started looking at even more cats.

I am definitely not looking for a replacement cat. In fact, I'm looking for something completely different! I'd love to adopt a gray or black cat this time around.

And I do plan on waiting for a bit, just to be absolutely certain and giving myself time to find a cat that really speaks to my heart.
 

klunick

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 22, 2020
Messages
4,358
Purraise
12,150
I asked because my sister showed me a picture of a cat at our local shelter. And all of a sudden I was really excited by the idea of giving a cat a home. I was really surprised by that because of how soon it was after Fiona passed. After I saw that other Kitty's picture, I started looking at even more cats.

I am definitely not looking for a replacement cat. In fact, I'm looking for something completely different! I'd love to adopt a gray or black cat this time around.

And I do plan on waiting for a bit, just to be absolutely certain and giving myself time to find a cat that really speaks to my heart.
I had two kittens about two weeks after putting our female down. Wasn't looking for new cats but when the opportunity presented itself, I took them. They were our heart healers for sure.
 

tarasgirl06

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
24,708
Purraise
64,894
Location
Glendale, CATifornia
It should never be a self-centered or self-motivated action -- adoption should only happen when the adopter is ready to give a cat a loving permanent home because the CAT needs one.
 

MonaLyssa33

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 10, 2018
Messages
3,539
Purraise
9,421
Location
Minneapolis
I think it's different for each person and it's different with each cat. In 2000, my family tragically lost our 1 year old cat and we ended up adopting 2 kittens the next week. One of those kittens was my late Willow who was my absolute pride and joy. When I had to put her down in 2017, I didn't feel ready to get another cat for 6 months. If you feel ready, then I'd say you are ready.
 

LTS3

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Aug 29, 2014
Messages
19,209
Purraise
19,695
Location
USA
How long did you wait before getting another cat? Has anyone else just felt ready for another cat within a few weeks?

:grouphug:

There is no one "right" time that works for everyone. Some people immediately get a new cat right away. Others may not get another cat for years. Maybe there are people who don't ever get another cat. Don't ever feel rushed to get a new cat even if people in your life question you about it and / or push you to get a new one and certainly don't let anyone tell you to get over your cat's death because "it's just a cat". When the opportunity to get a new cat is right, you'll know it.


Leroy arrived exactly one year after my previous cat's passing from illness. I had been looking on and off at adoptable cats for a few months prior but none ever felt right. Someone on another cat board suggested an Aby breeder. At the time I wasn't interested in a purebred because I knew shelter cats need homes. I took at look at the breeder's web site and somehow I knew I had to get a kitten. Long story short, I wound up with Leroy. Three months later I adopted a similar aged cat from a local rescue to keep Leroy occupied. I didn't really choose Emma. She chose me, swiping her paw at my coat sleeve and not letting go and giving me a "don't you dare put me back in there" look when I tried to put her back into the cage :lol:

Fostering a cat may be an option until you feel ready to own again. Sometimes a foster cat ends up being a permanent cat, a "foster failure" :)
 

tarasgirl06

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Sep 19, 2006
Messages
24,708
Purraise
64,894
Location
Glendale, CATifornia
:grouphug:

There is no one "right" time that works for everyone. Some people immediately get a new cat right away. Others may not get another cat for years. Maybe there are people who don't ever get another cat. Don't ever feel rushed to get a new cat even if people in your life question you about it and / or push you to get a new one and certainly don't let anyone tell you to get over your cat's death because "it's just a cat". When the opportunity to get a new cat is right, you'll know it.


Leroy arrived exactly one year after my previous cat's passing from illness. I had been looking on and off at adoptable cats for a few months prior but none ever felt right. Someone on another cat board suggested an Aby breeder. At the time I wasn't interested in a purebred because I knew shelter cats need homes. I took at look at the breeder's web site and somehow I knew I had to get a kitten. Long story short, I wound up with Leroy. Three months later I adopted a similar aged cat from a local rescue to keep Leroy occupied. I didn't really choose Emma. She chose me, swiping her paw at my coat sleeve and not letting go and giving me a "don't you dare put me back in there" look when I tried to put her back into the cage :lol:

Fostering a cat may be an option until you feel ready to own again. Sometimes a foster cat ends up being a permanent cat, a "foster failure" :)
Really excellent suggestions, LTS3 LTS3 -- just what I'd expect from you. ;):thanks:
 
Top