Is It Normal Not To Miss The Bad Parts Of Someone That Passed Away?

terestrife

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
2,412
Purraise
2,586
I lost my mom almost a year ago. Im 32 years old, and weve always been close. But being the youngest, and her one child thats been pretty lost, she was understandably hard on me. she wanted better for me. so we would fight a lot.

i think of her every single day, and miss her. but i have these ugly moments where i think that its more quiet and we arent fighting anymore.

it makes me feel like a horrible person. most days i realize its just negative thoughts. that if i was a horrible person, i wouldnt think about her at all, or grieve her.but some days i feel incredibly guilty.

have you guys experienced this after losing a loved one?
 

blueyedgirl5946

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Sep 10, 2005
Messages
14,593
Purraise
1,695
I am sorry for the loss of your mother. It is always hard to lose a family member. I think your feelings are all just part of the grieving process you have to go through. It does not make you a bad person. The fact you are still thinking of her shows that you are trying to sort it all out in your mind and eventually you will. In time, I pray that your good memories will dominate anything else. Life is never the same. We just learn to live with our loss.
 

Winchester

In the kitchen with my cookies
Veteran
Joined
Aug 28, 2009
Messages
29,730
Purraise
28,024
Location
In the kitchen
I understand. I'm sorry for your loss; it's hard losing a parent.

I miss my mom. I miss talking to her on the phone in the mornings. She's been gone a few years and there are still times when I get to work, take a swig of coffee and think, "Gotta call Mom!".

I do not miss her constant harping and talking about my sister and brother. I do not miss her constantly trying to make my sister and I dislike each other. I do not miss her "it's all about me" attitude. There is a long history about my mother and me and it's not a good one overall.

I do miss Mom. Just not everything that had to do with Mom.

If that makes me a bad person, so be it.
 

mightyboosh

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 19, 2017
Messages
2,884
Purraise
9,582
Location
Burnley, UK
You're not a bad person at all because you don't miss the negative parts of your relationship. I think you're being realistic and truthful. If you sugar coat every memory then that would be misleading yourself. I'm sure in time your mind will sort out the memories into an honest and balanced state of affairs with the good parts outweighing the bad.
We all like to idealise our parents as perfect but I'm afraid they're just like the rest of us - imperfect.
The very fact that you have these feelings and have shared them shows that you are NOT a bad person.
 

arouetta

Slave of Bastet's acolytes
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 31, 2016
Messages
2,117
Purraise
2,891
The people who are horrible are the ones that have selective amnesia of a person's faults and make them out to be a saint. Because that means they think the survivors that were wounded by the dead person were completely at fault and deserved it.

The people who remember the bad times and don't miss those times, that feel relief that strife is at an end, but still miss the person have normal love for a fallible human and have a healthy mindset. Who wants to wish for emotional harm by wanting the strife to continue?

No, you're not horrible. You remember her how she was, you loved her despite her faults, and you have a healthy protection system to avoid pain.
 

foxxycat

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 31, 2014
Messages
8,089
Purraise
13,358
Location
Honeybee on my lap, music playing in background
I agree with all the above. My mother wasn't perfect-she did things that didn't make sense. We knew we couldn't tell her anything or she would tell the world. My sister and I joked that at least she passed after facebook became popular-because she would be blurting things that we don't want her to talk about.

I don't miss the snide comments and her words could hurt-she meant well but they hurt-the comments oh why don't you go out with so and so and then you don't have to work or always trying to fix me up with a man who would take care of me. She couldn't understand how I wanted to take care of myself. If I wanted money I knew how to get a job and keep a job. She just felt I work too hard and too much. She wanted me to have what she had, a man to take care of her. And frankly I just don't like feeling useless so I prefer to do things myself.

Winchester Winchester I can relate to the issues you brought up. She used to tell my sister stuff I said. It was always an argument and my sister would get mad at me for something mom told her I said. So it was hard. it was always my mom against my sister/dad because we were the most like each other. But I was the peace keeper. So very glad I don't have to put up with that crap anymore. I do miss her.

I miss her belly laugh and raunchy jokes. She had a sense of humor but when she was not well it was hard to live with her. She put my dad through a lot of crap but they were both pretty awful to each other. I don't think it makes you a bad person that you don't miss the BS. It is probably going to take time to realize you don't have to walk on eggshells or watch what you say. It's liberating to get out of a way of thinking where all you need to think about is yourself. That doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a survivor in a way.

When we leave relationships that change us-it does something to us. We will never be the same person we were before. It helps us to be in tune to others and try to learn from the mistakes our loved ones made. No one is perfect. It is strange looking back to see how childish my parents were about certain things. Kind of liberating that now I don't have to play both sides anymore. Because seriously that alone makes anyone tired and stressed out. Because we can't control others actions-it helps to learn to control our reactions. And no that doesn't make us bad people. It makes us human.
 

cassiopea

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 30, 2013
Messages
4,795
Purraise
5,676
Location
Ontario, Canada
Please don't feel guilty - this sort of sentiment is very normal. There is absolutely no rule book on how one should mourn and behave. Everyone handles grief definitely, and it is all acceptable. If anyone else says otherwise, that there is suppose to be some sort of "correct" or "perfect" way to grieve, then they can get a kick in the bum bum.

When relationships are on the complicated side, there will be an emotional up and down period. Again, that is normal. What can people expect? When there was conflict, people can't assume it will be perfect rainbows and gun drops. There will be some contemplation on the matter. You have every right to not have perfect feelings towards your mother. Just because she was your mother, doesn't mean you should be forced into anything.

Also, don't feel guilty for appreciating a quiet moment. Maybe it isn't so much about that you are 'happy' (For a lack of a better word) that she is gone and everything is physically quiet, but that you are simply at peace in the inside. She is at peace. There is nothing wrong with appreciating peace. It *is* true, there is no more drama in your life. There is no more drama in her life either. You will notice this phase, and once it pasts, you will simply remember all the happy stuff in the years to come, and be happy in thinking about her.

Mightboosh put it nicely, you are just being realistic and truthful. No shame in that! And no one here will doubt you either, we know there was love there too.


Sorry about your loss :hugs::redheartpump::hearthrob::grouphug: Million hugs!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #8

terestrife

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
2,412
Purraise
2,586
thank you everyone. you've all helped me have peace of mind. it made me feel so much better to know that this is something that others have gone through as well.

Also, don't feel guilty for appreciating a quiet moment. Maybe it isn't so much about that you are 'happy' (For a lack of a better word) that she is gone and everything is physically quiet, but that you are simply at peace in the inside. She is at peace. There is nothing wrong with appreciating peace. It *is* true, there is no more drama in your life. There is no more drama in her life either. You will notice this phase, and once it pasts, you will simply remember all the happy stuff in the years to come, and be happy in thinking about her.
Thank you, i pray thats how it will be. =)
I didnt have peace for a very long time after my mother passed, the quiet was very loud in the beginning. Its only recently that the silence is peaceful. My mom always told me that all shes ever hoped for in her old age, was for her children to be happy, and safe. I've been doing my best to be a better person. Some days are hard, and i feel overwhelmed with guilt.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #9

terestrife

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
2,412
Purraise
2,586
As i was reading through this thread, i was reminded of a conversation i had with my mother. My grandmother passed away when i was 15, she lived in cuba, so i only saw her a few times.

My grandmother was a very hard woman, my mom would often say how crazy she drove her. She told me how she wasnt allowed to go back home, when my mother wanted to leave my father. My mom spoke to me a few times honestly about their relationship. A lot of my mom was similar to my grandmother, but my mom strived to not follow her mothers faults. My mom chose to allow my sister to move back home after her divorce. Because of this, my sister was saved from an unhappy marriage. While my mother stayed married to a man that made her unhappy and eventually cheated on her for many years.

After hearing a lot about their relationship, i remember naively asking my mother, if she loved her own mother. I remember how sad she looked, but she still smiled, and said of course she did. That whatever else she may have been, she was her mother, and she had a good side to her regardless of her faults.

How funny, how past conversations just come back to us. I remember thinking it was odd, but i now see that my grandmother and my mother, were two people who have faults like anyone else.
 
Top