Introducing new (chill male) cat to resident (anxious female) cat, and not sure if it's going okay? Any advice would be appreciated.

honeybutter

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 3, 2021
Messages
9
Purraise
5
My gf and I adopted our current cat, Benny, last year as a kitten and she's been our joy. She's always been a little shy/anxious, and when we first met her at a kitten cat cafe she was a bit of a "loner" among the other cats, but wasn't noted to be particularly bad (ie aggressive, skittish) with them or anything - just kept to herself. She's a very vocal tortie and has what my gf calls "tortitude" (lol), where she has maaaany different vocalizations for everything. When we first adopted her I had wanted to keep the bedroom cat free due to allergies (mild but act up every so often...luckily they're non-existent now) and she cried all night to be let in until we caved at like 1 am. She's still fairly clingy, to the extent that if I'm in the home office (I work from home) while my gf is out at her job, she'll cry if she can't be let in and when inside will meow for pets and attention. We try to play with her regularly but she can literally go for hours so long as she gets a short break in between, so it feels hard to really satiate her fully. Otherwise she's fairly independent, not prone to overeating and drinks plenty once we figured out she likes running water and bought her a drinking fountain. She is absolutely the midnight zoomies type of cat and is 100% what I'd call high strung. Whenever company comes over or we get a knock on the door she's instantly up and ready to dash into the hallway, so I'd say she's fairly skittish with strangers. We've had a friend come stay for a bit a few times and it took a while (collectively a few days?) for her to stop staring all night at our friend and to stop running from her. We try to accommodate this as best we can, making sure her favorite hiding spots (behind the couch, under the bed, in the closet, etc) are safe and comfy if she needs to hide.

Recently we had a situation where we might have had to take in a stray, and I realized that I would be really open to another cat, more than I'd thought. My gf had talked with me about it casually and off handedly over the year, but I'd never given it much thought. At any rate, I fell in love with this one cat, Sushi, and he's just this adorable fluff ball that's super chill and super affectionate. Because he was a male and roughly the same age as Benny I thought he might make a good fit for her, and we adopted him 2/21.

We're trying to follow the Jackson Galaxy method and had him separated completely in a safe room with extra food bowls, water bowls, litter boxes, and a cat tree + toys. We also have Feliway going, but it's just run out last night and we are having to go without until the refill gets here.

Benny would hiss at the door constantly and we had to put a towel down to prevent that, and needed to have the bowl placed fairly far to eat. Eventually (maybe a couple days in?) she was able to eat close to the door, and we began feeding them on either side of a covered screen door. We're at the point now where they can eat on opposite sides of the uncovered screen door without issue, though she will sometimes stare or hiss after she's done eating and has moved away to groom.

We've done site swapping and swapping towels and bedding, and Benny has gotten used to being in Sushi's room (at first she cried the whole time, now she can play and not paw at the door...) while Sushi seems to REALLY enjoy his time outside of the office. We've tried letting them meet face to face because they both play footsies (pawsies?) under the door and have really confusing body language to us...Benny will hiss at him when he puts his paws under and sometimes even growl but her ears don't go back, fur doesn't stand up, eyes aren't dilated, etc. and they'll both roll around on the floor while batting at each other's paws. Every so often there will be a loud hiss from Benny and she'll leave, but Sushi doesn't seem particularly bothered.

We thought maybe that meant they were ready to meet and have had them both out in the living room at the same time a couple times now, with Sushi very eager to play and Benny just staring at him and stalking him. She won't play at all if he's out and sometimes won't even eat snacks if we try to distract her with them. The stalking seems to freak Sushi out, as Benny gets really close and sniffs him, even putting her nose on him. He'll make a very small meow, no hissing or growling (I've never heard him do either ever) and if she continues staring or stalking he'll pounce on her and they fight, which we break up immediately and separate them again.

Yesterday we did another "meeting" and it seemed to go really well. Sushi was playing very enthusiastically, Benny was able to walk away from him when he meowed at her (still dunno why he doesn't hiss or anything, just meows), and they both were napping about 3 or 4 ft from each other at some point. But they did fight again and I'm just unsure of what's going wrong. When they fight, it's always after Benny has been staring or stalking and Sushi has issued several meows. He'll leap on her, she'll hiss loudly and throw him off and then run, and he'll chase. I think Benny is technically the "aggressor" here but it's hard to tell if one is bullying the other or if this is abnormal? Sushi is normally so chill, even if he's overstimulated from pets the worst he'll do is just gently put his mouth on your hand. It's so strange to see him be so aggressive to her and I think it's starting to scare both of them, as today I saw them playing pawsies (again through the closed door before I give them the daily snack on each side), and Benny hissed with her ears back and kept growling. Sushi, when I went in to check on him, was acting really strangely, wedging himself into corners and crying a very loud cry I'd never heard before (I would liken it to a baby's cry, very long and sorrowful). They both ate the treat and Benny is now sleeping peacefully next to me.

I have noticed that if Benny sees me petting Sushi through the screen door that she will growl and be very clingy (she's in general been clingier than usual, but after seeing that she'll follow me around and meow loudly if I move towards the office). Benny will also shove her paws under the door unprovoked, making me worried she might be bullying him. Additionally, when she catches sight of Sushi while they're both outside at the same time she's just unshakeable, won't take her eyes off him for anything and won't play (and she normally is super into playing). Is she seeing him as prey or something? 😭 Additionally, Sushi hasn't seem to be super scared of her hisses or growling generally but I worry he's starting to be. My gf suggested maybe he doesn't know how to hiss as his only boundary asserting thus far has been plaintive meows, which does strike me as really weird. Maybe Benny isn't understanding the message he's trying to send...?

Lastly both are fixed, both are eating and using the litter box properly, and we're taking Sushi for his checkup this Saturday but he has been sneezing (possible URI? as the shelter had cautioned). Dunno if that factors in at all. Otherwise neither have any known issues.

I'm confused on how our progress is, if we've gone too fast (I'm worried we have because of my misreading their body language) or if we're somehow too slow? Is this normal? I'm terrified of traumatizing one or both of them. Really would appreciate any advice! Thank you!!
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,582
Purraise
22,961
Location
Nebraska, USA
All sounds perfectly normal to me, better than MINE did, they took a year before they stopped fighting. Females are naturally standoffish. They are the limit setters, the manners teachers. Boys tend to want to play and annoy them very much. But she is being kept amused, she has something to watch, and that is good for her. Eventually, they will become family and bond. they may never be 'buddies' but will be family. Have a stiff piece of cardboard to stick between them to break up any fights, make sure both have high up places they can escape to and defend. My Chrissy spent almost a year on top of the fridge. Benny is hyperalert right now, after all, he is invading her territory. She won't let her guard down for many months but eventually, she will return to her old self. If Benny was wedging himself in corners and crying he was either hurt or scared, especially if Benny was being particularly growly. One way to know if everything is going well is to see no one is hiding when the other enters the room. Hiding and completely avoiding the other cat means they are really getting hurt or they are really too scared. I think everything sounds well, and time will bring peace. I'm talking months, not weeks.
 

Mr. Meow

Special needs cat expert.
Super Cat
Joined
Dec 25, 2020
Messages
846
Purraise
2,630
Location
Ohio
My gf and I adopted our current cat, Benny, last year as a kitten and she's been our joy. She's always been a little shy/anxious, and when we first met her at a kitten cat cafe she was a bit of a "loner" among the other cats, but wasn't noted to be particularly bad (ie aggressive, skittish) with them or anything - just kept to herself. She's a very vocal tortie and has what my gf calls "tortitude" (lol), where she has maaaany different vocalizations for everything. When we first adopted her I had wanted to keep the bedroom cat free due to allergies (mild but act up every so often...luckily they're non-existent now) and she cried all night to be let in until we caved at like 1 am. She's still fairly clingy, to the extent that if I'm in the home office (I work from home) while my gf is out at her job, she'll cry if she can't be let in and when inside will meow for pets and attention. We try to play with her regularly but she can literally go for hours so long as she gets a short break in between, so it feels hard to really satiate her fully. Otherwise she's fairly independent, not prone to overeating and drinks plenty once we figured out she likes running water and bought her a drinking fountain. She is absolutely the midnight zoomies type of cat and is 100% what I'd call high strung. Whenever company comes over or we get a knock on the door she's instantly up and ready to dash into the hallway, so I'd say she's fairly skittish with strangers. We've had a friend come stay for a bit a few times and it took a while (collectively a few days?) for her to stop staring all night at our friend and to stop running from her. We try to accommodate this as best we can, making sure her favorite hiding spots (behind the couch, under the bed, in the closet, etc) are safe and comfy if she needs to hide.

Recently we had a situation where we might have had to take in a stray, and I realized that I would be really open to another cat, more than I'd thought. My gf had talked with me about it casually and off handedly over the year, but I'd never given it much thought. At any rate, I fell in love with this one cat, Sushi, and he's just this adorable fluff ball that's super chill and super affectionate. Because he was a male and roughly the same age as Benny I thought he might make a good fit for her, and we adopted him 2/21.

We're trying to follow the Jackson Galaxy method and had him separated completely in a safe room with extra food bowls, water bowls, litter boxes, and a cat tree + toys. We also have Feliway going, but it's just run out last night and we are having to go without until the refill gets here.

Benny would hiss at the door constantly and we had to put a towel down to prevent that, and needed to have the bowl placed fairly far to eat. Eventually (maybe a couple days in?) she was able to eat close to the door, and we began feeding them on either side of a covered screen door. We're at the point now where they can eat on opposite sides of the uncovered screen door without issue, though she will sometimes stare or hiss after she's done eating and has moved away to groom.

We've done site swapping and swapping towels and bedding, and Benny has gotten used to being in Sushi's room (at first she cried the whole time, now she can play and not paw at the door...) while Sushi seems to REALLY enjoy his time outside of the office. We've tried letting them meet face to face because they both play footsies (pawsies?) under the door and have really confusing body language to us...Benny will hiss at him when he puts his paws under and sometimes even growl but her ears don't go back, fur doesn't stand up, eyes aren't dilated, etc. and they'll both roll around on the floor while batting at each other's paws. Every so often there will be a loud hiss from Benny and she'll leave, but Sushi doesn't seem particularly bothered.

We thought maybe that meant they were ready to meet and have had them both out in the living room at the same time a couple times now, with Sushi very eager to play and Benny just staring at him and stalking him. She won't play at all if he's out and sometimes won't even eat snacks if we try to distract her with them. The stalking seems to freak Sushi out, as Benny gets really close and sniffs him, even putting her nose on him. He'll make a very small meow, no hissing or growling (I've never heard him do either ever) and if she continues staring or stalking he'll pounce on her and they fight, which we break up immediately and separate them again.

Yesterday we did another "meeting" and it seemed to go really well. Sushi was playing very enthusiastically, Benny was able to walk away from him when he meowed at her (still dunno why he doesn't hiss or anything, just meows), and they both were napping about 3 or 4 ft from each other at some point. But they did fight again and I'm just unsure of what's going wrong. When they fight, it's always after Benny has been staring or stalking and Sushi has issued several meows. He'll leap on her, she'll hiss loudly and throw him off and then run, and he'll chase. I think Benny is technically the "aggressor" here but it's hard to tell if one is bullying the other or if this is abnormal? Sushi is normally so chill, even if he's overstimulated from pets the worst he'll do is just gently put his mouth on your hand. It's so strange to see him be so aggressive to her and I think it's starting to scare both of them, as today I saw them playing pawsies (again through the closed door before I give them the daily snack on each side), and Benny hissed with her ears back and kept growling. Sushi, when I went in to check on him, was acting really strangely, wedging himself into corners and crying a very loud cry I'd never heard before (I would liken it to a baby's cry, very long and sorrowful). They both ate the treat and Benny is now sleeping peacefully next to me.

I have noticed that if Benny sees me petting Sushi through the screen door that she will growl and be very clingy (she's in general been clingier than usual, but after seeing that she'll follow me around and meow loudly if I move towards the office). Benny will also shove her paws under the door unprovoked, making me worried she might be bullying him. Additionally, when she catches sight of Sushi while they're both outside at the same time she's just unshakeable, won't take her eyes off him for anything and won't play (and she normally is super into playing). Is she seeing him as prey or something? 😭 Additionally, Sushi hasn't seem to be super scared of her hisses or growling generally but I worry he's starting to be. My gf suggested maybe he doesn't know how to hiss as his only boundary asserting thus far has been plaintive meows, which does strike me as really weird. Maybe Benny isn't understanding the message he's trying to send...?

Lastly both are fixed, both are eating and using the litter box properly, and we're taking Sushi for his checkup this Saturday but he has been sneezing (possible URI? as the shelter had cautioned). Dunno if that factors in at all. Otherwise neither have any known issues.

I'm confused on how our progress is, if we've gone too fast (I'm worried we have because of my misreading their body language) or if we're somehow too slow? Is this normal? I'm terrified of traumatizing one or both of them. Really would appreciate any advice! Thank you!!
I can say, for certainty, that if you only adopted Sushi on 2/21 and they're meeting already, that you're going too fast. Everything else sounds good as long as the fighting doesn't involve blood or flying fur. Just go slow, take your time and you'll be good in a few months. Once both cats figure out that they won't go hungry or thirsty, they're safe and that this other cat won't hurt them, everything will settle down.
 

misty8723

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 16, 2006
Messages
7,688
Purraise
8,129
Location
North Carolina
Same situation. When we lost our Cindy, we wanted another cat as friend for Swanie, so we got Cricket. Cricket is a Tortie and really a sweetie, and she got along fine with Swanie. After Swanie passed, we wanted a friend for Cricket. Enter Austin, extremely chill male cat, couple years younger. When we first brought him here, he was in our bedroom during the day and master bath (off the bedroom) at night. Cricket's tail was definitely in a twist. She'd sit outside the door hissing and growling. When we eventually put up baby gates, it was more of the same. Austin would go look at her, trill a bit at her, and go about his business. Eventually she calmed down and went over to meet him, sniffed noses, etc. Now, it's been a couple years, they're good friends. Cricket is not a cuddler (us or other cats), but they hang out, play, wrestle, etc. As long as you take things really slow and let them work it out on their own, it should be okay. But I agree no meetings except through baby gates until they're ready. It's frustrating I know, but well worth it the long run.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #5

honeybutter

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 3, 2021
Messages
9
Purraise
5
All sounds perfectly normal to me, better than MINE did, they took a year before they stopped fighting. Females are naturally standoffish. They are the limit setters, the manners teachers. Boys tend to want to play and annoy them very much. But she is being kept amused, she has something to watch, and that is good for her. Eventually, they will become family and bond. they may never be 'buddies' but will be family. Have a stiff piece of cardboard to stick between them to break up any fights, make sure both have high up places they can escape to and defend. My Chrissy spent almost a year on top of the fridge. Benny is hyperalert right now, after all, he is invading her territory. She won't let her guard down for many months but eventually, she will return to her old self. If Benny was wedging himself in corners and crying he was either hurt or scared, especially if Benny was being particularly growly. One way to know if everything is going well is to see no one is hiding when the other enters the room. Hiding and completely avoiding the other cat means they are really getting hurt or they are really too scared. I think everything sounds well, and time will bring peace. I'm talking months, not weeks.
Thank you so much for your insight, it helps to understand that from Benny's perspective he *is* an invader, after all. I genuinely did not know how long introductions could take and unfortunately had mis-set my expectations. Sushi will avoid Benny but I think it is mostly because of her staring/stalking; so far I've gone back to having them separated 24/7 (rather than the regular "meetings" since this is way too early it seems) and they paw under the door at each other without aggressive/fearful body language. I will have to keep an eye out for hiding just to be sure though. Thank you so much <3

I can say, for certainty, that if you only adopted Sushi on 2/21 and they're meeting already, that you're going too fast. Everything else sounds good as long as the fighting doesn't involve blood or flying fur. Just go slow, take your time and you'll be good in a few months. Once both cats figure out that they won't go hungry or thirsty, they're safe and that this other cat won't hurt them, everything will settle down.
Thank you, you're absolutely right. I just have to be patient (hardest bit tbh). They both meow and paw at the door, and roll around pawing at each other, so I assumed that meant they must be ready/curious about each other; clearly need quite a bit longer haha. Despite how scary the "incidents" were when they were having non-separated meetings nobody's been hurt as far as we can tell, which is such a relief. No blood or fur clumps/torn out, thank god.

Same situation. When we lost our Cindy, we wanted another cat as friend for Swanie, so we got Cricket. Cricket is a Tortie and really a sweetie, and she got along fine with Swanie. After Swanie passed, we wanted a friend for Cricket. Enter Austin, extremely chill male cat, couple years younger. When we first brought him here, he was in our bedroom during the day and master bath (off the bedroom) at night. Cricket's tail was definitely in a twist. She'd sit outside the door hissing and growling. When we eventually put up baby gates, it was more of the same. Austin would go look at her, trill a bit at her, and go about his business. Eventually she calmed down and went over to meet him, sniffed noses, etc. Now, it's been a couple years, they're good friends. Cricket is not a cuddler (us or other cats), but they hang out, play, wrestle, etc. As long as you take things really slow and let them work it out on their own, it should be okay. But I agree no meetings except through baby gates until they're ready. It's frustrating I know, but well worth it the long run.
Oh no! Poor baby, that's so heartbreaking...I'm so glad to hear that Cricket and Austin get along well now, I can't imagine what Cricket must have gone through losing Swanie :( This gives me a lot of hope, the hissing/growling is so disconcerting because our Benny *never* does either unless she's well and truly upset, so we get jumpy about it. We might try baby gates instead of the screen door, would you recommend them over it?
 

misty8723

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 16, 2006
Messages
7,688
Purraise
8,129
Location
North Carolina
Oh no! Poor baby, that's so heartbreaking...I'm so glad to hear that Cricket and Austin get along well now, I can't imagine what Cricket must have gone through losing Swanie :( This gives me a lot of hope, the hissing/growling is so disconcerting because our Benny *never* does either unless she's well and truly upset, so we get jumpy about it. We might try baby gates instead of the screen door, would you recommend them over it?
Thank you. We were all devestated to lose Swanie. It was unexpected and quick. He was my heart kitty. I'm not over it yet.

Cricket never hissed/growled either until we brought Austin in. The only growling we ever heard was a very low growl when she was young and would trot past Swanie with a bird toy she "caught," as if to say my bird! Swanie said "whatever." But she growled up a storm for awhile, really worried us. I think a screen would work as well as a baby gate. We didn't have a door with a screen to separate them, so we bought a couple baby gates and stacked them. Just something so they can see each other as well as smell each other so Benny can get used to the new guy in town.

Cricket is the tortie.

1615059059564.png
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #7

honeybutter

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
Mar 3, 2021
Messages
9
Purraise
5
Thank you. We were all devestated to lose Swanie. It was unexpected and quick. He was my heart kitty. I'm not over it yet.

Cricket never hissed/growled either until we brought Austin in. The only growling we ever heard was a very low growl when she was young and would trot past Swanie with a bird toy she "caught," as if to say my bird! Swanie said "whatever." But she growled up a storm for awhile, really worried us. I think a screen would work as well as a baby gate. We didn't have a door with a screen to separate them, so we bought a couple baby gates and stacked them. Just something so they can see each other as well as smell each other so Benny can get used to the new guy in town.

Cricket is the tortie.

View attachment 372385
I'm so sorry, I hope you and your remaining kitties can find peace. Loss is never easy and my heart aches for you and your family; losing someone so suddenly and unexpectedly is especially tough imo.

This helps a ton to read, thank you! <3

Cricket is so cute, love her colors! Beautiful cat :thumbsup:
 
Top