Introducing cats going backwards

Ashleigh Kate

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My partner and I recently moved in together and we both had our own cats.
He’s cat is a male 5 year old and my cat is a female 2.5 year old, they are both similar in size.

we went through the process of a slow introduction and they made good progress with learning each others scents and eventually visually seeing eachother. It took about three weeks to get from hissing and fear to (seemingly) happily cohabitating the same space (they were both free roaming and no more aggression or hissing, but they wouldn’t touch)

My cat was initially very wary and fear aggressive but ended up becoming very curious and playful while my partners cat was initially a little scared but quickly warmed up to her presence. They were sitting next to eachother, walking beside eachother and she would try to play with him under the dresser. As soon as he started to get more confident with her (wasn’t running away and hiding) she became less playful. Neither initiate touching the other and there’s never been a physical fight.

after a few days of them sharing the same space is when they started going backwards. At first she started hissing at him again during the night so we separated them while we slept and let them out during the day.

fast forward two days later and now she is hissing at him constantly again. Every time she sees him she will hiss, every time he walks past her or too close she’ll hiss.

they happily eat close together with no hissing, and will interact with play while the other watches but as soon as she sees him entering her space she will hiss and get angry/ annoyed. They still follow eachother around most of the time they’re together and seem genuinely curious of eachother but she seems to be regressing with the excessive hissing.

When they’re separated by a door they both wait at the door (no hissing) for the other.

He isn’t at all fussed by her and acts as if she weren’t hissing at all, but he is very relaxed and non threatening.

if they accidentally run into each other she will hiss and growl and sometimes even swat at him to get him to back off.


TLDR;
my question is why is this happening? They we’re getting along and being playful and now she won’t stop hissing at him for seemingly no reason. What do I do?
 

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Hi. Very odd, indeed! Do you think he is attacking her when you are not around to see it? Maybe he is bothering her and you don't know it. You could consider getting some baby cams to see what might be going on when you are not there to see. Since this seems to have started with him getting more confident, this could all be about dominance - and, it is him trying to gain it.

The only other thing that comes to mind is that sometimes when one cat is sick, the other will react negatively to them because they smell differently. That can happen in reverse as well - the sick cat will lash out at the other cat.

Hopefully, other members will come along soon and have some ideas/suggestions to offer!
 
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Ashleigh Kate

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Hi. Very odd, indeed! Do you think he is attacking her when you are not around to see it? Maybe he is bothering her and you don't know it. You could consider getting some baby cams to see what might be going on when you are not there to see. Since this seems to have started with him getting more confident, this could all be about dominance - and, it is him trying to gain it.

The only other thing that comes to mind is that sometimes when one cat is sick, the other will react negatively to them because they smell differently. That can happen in reverse as well - the sick cat will lash out at the other cat.

Hopefully, other members will come along soon and have some ideas/suggestions to offer!
That did cross our mind that maybe he was annoying her so we cut out any interactions we couldn’t watch. But in saying that we find it very hard to imagine as he is VERY placid and has never shown signs of aggression toward anything let alone her. He is also good at respecting her space and has never tried to touch her.
 

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At first she started hissing at him again during the night so we separated them while we slept and let them out during the day.

fast forward two days later and now she is hissing at him constantly again. Every time she sees him she will hiss, every time he walks past her or too close she’ll hiss.

they happily eat close together with no hissing, and will interact with play while the other watches but as soon as she sees him entering her space she will hiss and get angry/ annoyed. They still follow eachother around most of the time they’re together and seem genuinely curious of eachother but she seems to be regressing with the excessive hissing.
Hi A Ashleigh Kate ....I think that more than likely, both cats had some sort of interaction, even minor, during the night, and then your female cat took offense...and is now not trusting the male cat, and perhaps holding a bit of a grudge.

(My female cat does this to her own male sibling, if he chases her, and tries to wrestle, or corner her. She gets him back the next day, or later, ...seemingly out of the blue...but I figure it was something that he did, ...which she did not like. She just whacks him, or swats him, and sometimes growls. They are both 5 yrs now, and are still okay with each other, but he enjoys chasing and wrestling, and she only enjoys chasing.)

if they accidentally run into each other she will hiss and growl and sometimes even swat at him to get him to back off.
The best to do is what FeebysOwner FeebysOwner suggested, and get some web cams, or even if you could video tape any of their interactions....and play them back for yourselves. Look for each cat's body language, especially what happens right before the hissing and growling, and where your female cat is looking. Look for very subtle signs of paw movements, fur standing up, tails moving, and where their paws are at. Also where each cat is looking?

What you might have to do is boost your female cat's confidence, by again moving back a step in the cat-intros...and using baby gates, or mesh or screen dividers, and making sure that both cats are entirely confident in all the territory in the new place.
They can only do this with doing further 'site swaps' and 'room swaps, and also 'scent soaks'. Cats then get to scent-mark their territory, and also get to smell the other cat who lives there.

Cats really get to know each other through scent, and now you'll have to re-do this step....and make only positive associations with each cat's scent.
Use Play, treats and food, to end each positive interaction, and thereby establishing that only good things are associated with each other.

Could you maybe explain how each cat played with each other, before it went backwards?
You mentioned that they were playing under the cabinet, but once the male cat initiated the play....was it then that this bothered your female?
Does she act scared if him?

Also, could you tell us their names and post a few photos. It's easier to understand cats when we see what they actually look like.
Plus, we love photos here, so thanks.
 

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Here's some TCS (the Cat Site) Articles with some further tips that may help in making a smoother intro.
cat introduction – Cat Articles
Also the main Cat-intro-Article...which I know you've already done, but it may have some more tips:
How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – Cat Articles

And lastly, a thread with some good ideas for 'dividers' that you can see through.
Featured - Door blockade for cats getting to know each other

Hopefully, you can get both cats to feel secure, and confident, and have them only associate each other with good things.
  • It takes time, and a lot of work, with first playing with them separately, and building upon them feeling good about all the space, and each other.
  • Focus on taking it slow, and watching their behaviour.
  • Use a lot of encouragement, Play, and treats/food.
  • And remember to look through your home, and have many 'escape routes' so that neither cat ever feels cornered. Things like cat trees, side tables, chairs, even boxes can create places for cats to feel they can run to, and relax on, or in.
 
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Ashleigh Kate

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We have separated them during the time we’re not here or asleep and have them only interact under supervision now. Unfortunately not much has changed, except my males interest in her has died down after the excessive hissing she’s given him. She is a confident cat and doesn’t let he’s presence stop her from running around, often she will try and get him to leave (which he does) if he happens to be in the space she wants to occupy by hissing and huffing. Some days she’s good and barely hisses at him and they can even share a bed or window , other days it’s constant with no tolerance. He is very patient and let’s her have what she wants, even if it is cuddling with us but we try to give them equal attention.

They have 4 cat scratches to share around the place, some window percheand we’ve temporarily placed a bunch of boxes for them to hide in as well while they’re out together. They also have multiple litter boxes to use.

we play with them a lot together (they will play near each other but not with) and they’ll even share their sacred supervised outdoors time together in mostly peace.

it just seems like she’s determined not to like him and I’m not sure how to correct it .

Here are pictures of them below, my girl is the one with the yellow eyes and the boy is the fluffier lighter grey :)
 

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We have separated them during the time we’re not here or asleep and have them only interact under supervision now. Unfortunately not much has changed, except my males interest in her has died down after the excessive hissing she’s given him. She is a confident cat and doesn’t let he’s presence stop her from running around, often she will try and get him to leave (which he does) if he happens to be in the space she wants to occupy by hissing and huffing. Some days she’s good and barely hisses at him and they can even share a bed or window , other days it’s constant with no tolerance. He is very patient and let’s her have what she wants, even if it is cuddling with us but we try to give them equal attention.
That is interesting that she alternates from hissing constantly,... to not hissing and being able to share a bed or window.

If she is still getting upset and viewing him as still invading 'her territory' and wanting him to leave by hissing and huffing,... then you're going to have to work on further "Scent exchange" and "Site Swaps" where both his scent and hers will be all over the home, and both cats will have scent marked everything, to make it a mutual territory.

What is it about that particular space that she values so much?
Is it a favorite cat bed? favorite room?
A place in the sun? sofa?

And does your girl, in general, like to vocalize a lot? As in does she seem chatty? meows a lot? Always makes her presence known?

we play with them a lot together (they will play near each other but not with) and they’ll even share their sacred supervised outdoors time together in mostly peace.
Playing is really good because it lessens their fear responses, and distracts them, plus gets out any extra adrenaline or stress that they are feeling.

It does not matter if they don't play with each other, but if they see each of you playing, and see the other cat playing, ...this too may lessen their fears about the other cat, and create good feelings about each other.
***After a good play session, ...give each of them a good treat, or food they like....so they make even more positive connections.
it just seems like she’s determined not to like him and I’m not sure how to correct it .
I think it could be a matter of wanting to be the dominant cat, as FeebysOwner FeebysOwner mentioned above, ...but it could also be that your female cat just needs extra time to 'accept' your male cat, and not react negatively when she sees him in 'her environment'.

It's so difficult to tell when to actually let cats meet face-to-face, because it's often one cat that seems all relaxed and ready, and the other cat seems excited and ready, too, ...but in reality,...one cat is not exactly ready, and 'still has a bit of fear' which then gets blown up when faced directly with another cat.

Fear and 'being on the lookout' is so natural for them, that it becomes an expected reaction...so what your goal is:
  • is to lessen this 'fear reaction' and use methods like 'Distraction', Play, Treats/Food, Affection (which you are doing already by giving them equal time),
  • intervene when you think there is going to be an altercation...so that no altercation takes place. Do this gently, so that neither cat feels upset, but rather Re-directed onto a toy, into another space, or just a bit of separation...so that the cats can relax and settle without staring, glaring, or having the other cat in their line-of-sight.
  • gradually what you are doing is lessening your female's upset feelings, and replacing them with positive and good associations having to do with your male cat
(If you do have the time to answer the above, previous, questions, that would be helpful, in understanding what your female cat is typically like.
Also, if you can describe a typical day, then that might help us 'brainstorm some more ideas' to help out.)

Your cats will get along. It just takes extra effort and time. :thumbsup:

(PS. Thank you for the photos...I think your cats are just gorgeous and stunning. The first thing I noticed was their beautiful eyes and how fluffy they are. :blush:)
 
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Ashleigh Kate

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That is interesting that she alternates from hissing constantly,... to not hissing and being able to share a bed or window.

If she is still getting upset and viewing him as still invading 'her territory' and wanting him to leave by hissing and huffing,... then you're going to have to work on further "Scent exchange" and "Site Swaps" where both his scent and hers will be all over the home, and both cats will have scent marked everything, to make it a mutual territory.

What is it about that particular space that she values so much?
Is it a favorite cat bed? favorite room?
A place in the sun? sofa?

And does your girl, in general, like to vocalize a lot? As in does she seem chatty? meows a lot? Always makes her presence known?


Playing is really good because it lessens their fear responses, and distracts them, plus gets out any extra adrenaline or stress that they are feeling.

It does not matter if they don't play with each other, but if they see each of you playing, and see the other cat playing, ...this too may lessen their fears about the other cat, and create good feelings about each other.
***After a good play session, ...give each of them a good treat, or food they like....so they make even more positive connections.

I think it could be a matter of wanting to be the dominant cat, as FeebysOwner FeebysOwner mentioned above, ...but it could also be that your female cat just needs extra time to 'accept' your male cat, and not react negatively when she sees him in 'her environment'.

It's so difficult to tell when to actually let cats meet face-to-face, because it's often one cat that seems all relaxed and ready, and the other cat seems excited and ready, too, ...but in reality,...one cat is not exactly ready, and 'still has a bit of fear' which then gets blown up when faced directly with another cat.

Fear and 'being on the lookout' is so natural for them, that it becomes an expected reaction...so what your goal is:
  • is to lessen this 'fear reaction' and use methods like 'Distraction', Play, Treats/Food, Affection (which you are doing already by giving them equal time),
  • intervene when you think there is going to be an altercation...so that no altercation takes place. Do this gently, so that neither cat feels upset, but rather Re-directed onto a toy, into another space, or just a bit of separation...so that the cats can relax and settle without staring, glaring, or having the other cat in their line-of-sight.
  • gradually what you are doing is lessening your female's upset feelings, and replacing them with positive and good associations having to do with your male cat
(If you do have the time to answer the above, previous, questions, that would be helpful, in understanding what your female cat is typically like.
Also, if you can describe a typical day, then that might help us 'brainstorm some more ideas' to help out.)

Your cats will get along. It just takes extra effort and time. :thumbsup:

(PS. Thank you for the photos...I think your cats are just gorgeous and stunning. The first thing I noticed was their beautiful eyes and how fluffy they are. :blush:)
We have been living together (with both cats) for 4 weeks now and they have been sharing the house for 2 and a half (ish) weeks equally.
They spend a lot of time roaming the house equally and sharing and swapping spaces, so I know there’s no space where one of them dominates the scent. For the past week and a half a typical day involves waking up and letting my female out of the spare room. Our male gets access to the rest of the house at night. We then feed them together downstairs, usually the first time she sees him in the morning she hisses unless she’s really hungry than they’re basically falling over eachother in anticipation for breakfast. They go off and groom and we go to work, separating them again this time giving her access to the house and having him in the spare room.

When we’re home we give them both access to the entire house and will start a play session. They both get quite enthused and will often get very close to one another while playing. The more distracted she is by the toy the less likely she is to hiss but there’s still a boundary and hissing is still often involved but she’s quickly distracted. Then they share some downtime. The more downtime they have in one go the less she will hiss at him and let him share her space. If he gets to close or touches her though it starts all over again and her boundaries get larger. He often tests he boundaries by walking by her and seeing how close he can get untill she will hiss and then he backs off.

We feed them together before bedtime and then seperate them again.

they also get outside time together and will roam within a few feet from eachother with no issues.

if they’re exploring or sniffing something new she is also usually more passive toward he’s presence because she’s distracted.

when we’re in the living room they will both share the same space. Just yesterday she came running down the hall toward him tail up and chirping (common for her) and did a playful hop/ pounce but then ended it wth a hiss. She often goes up to sniff him and will end it in a hiss. Yesterday she sniffed and licked him without hissing briefly.

then that night while we were in the living room he settled on my partners lap and she was over near the tv. After about 10 minutes she came up and approached him , hissing and raising her paw as if to swat so he would move and she took hes place on the lap.

We have a window in the living room that they will both sit on together, about 2 feet apart with minimal hissing. I have also found them sharing our bed and the couch while I’ve been in another room.
If it’s a really bad day for her she just hisses every time she sees him and we usually seperate them for awhile.

she grew up with 4 large dogs and is quite vocal and hisses a fair bit as a result of communicating to them when they are being too rough with her, and is obviously a large part of her personality and communication which is fine, but with him it often involves growling, slow walking and flat ears (for the more extreme instances) which is what worries me as it’s atypical.
 

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We have been living together (with both cats) for 4 weeks now and they have been sharing the house for 2 and a half (ish) weeks equally.
Wow. You are actually ahead of the cat-to-cat introductions, since both your cats are able to be in the same room together, and even though your female is hissing, and being a bit feisty,...it actually sounds like they are both doing well. :)

Sometimes it takes around 2 months for each cat to get fully accustomed and relaxed in a new place, territory, and put down their own scent, while slowly taking in the other cat's scent. Then the actual face-to-face meetings occur.
The process is slow because cats can only take in so much new scent, new routines, new people....so adjusting to this, for cats, is often slow.
They spend a lot of time roaming the house equally and sharing and swapping spaces, so I know there’s no space where one of them dominates the scent. For the past week and a half a typical day involves waking up and letting my female out of the spare room. Our male gets access to the rest of the house at night. We then feed them together downstairs, usually the first time she sees him in the morning she hisses unless she’s really hungry than they’re basically falling over eachother in anticipation for breakfast. They go off and groom and we go to work, separating them again this time giving her access to the house and having him in the spare room.
The way you are swapping spaces and keeping them separate is excellent. :thumbsup:

In the next week or so, ...just switch-up the times when they are out in the house, since some cats are more active at night, and others just sleep during the day, ...but overall, yes, ...you're getting their scents all over the places.:bluepaw:
It does break up their routine, though, so just be observant if either cat is having difficulty with the time-switch.
Then just go back to your original way.
When we’re home we give them both access to the entire house and will start a play session. They both get quite enthused and will often get very close to one another while playing. The more distracted she is by the toy the less likely she is to hiss but there’s still a boundary and hissing is still often involved but she’s quickly distracted. Then they share some downtime. The more downtime they have in one go the less she will hiss at him and let him share her space. If he gets to close or touches her though it starts all over again and her boundaries get larger. He often tests he boundaries by walking by her and seeing how close he can get untill she will hiss and then he backs off.
Again, so excellent with their Play routines. :biggrin:

It's really good to hear, that he respects her boundaries.
Also, how you noticed that she seems to hiss less,... after a good Play session and downtime. That means that she's feeling good from the Play session, and it's carrying through to her being more relaxed and trusting. Plus further relaxed from resting.

It's okay for him to test her boundaries, because they are still 'learning about one another'...and this too, will take more time.
Amazing that he backs off, though. That means that he understands her 'signals' ...hissing, body language, and he really does not want to engage or upset her further.
He sounds great. :cool2:
We feed them together before bedtime and then seperate them again.

they also get outside time together and will roam within a few feet from eachother with no issues.

if they’re exploring or sniffing something new she is also usually more passive toward he’s presence because she’s distracted.

when we’re in the living room they will both share the same space. Just yesterday she came running down the hall toward him tail up and chirping (common for her) and did a playful hop/ pounce but then ended it wth a hiss. She often goes up to sniff him and will end it in a hiss. Yesterday she sniffed and licked him without hissing briefly.
It sounds like she is still not totally used to seeing him, or wanting to see him, ...in her space. But she'll get there.
When she sniffs and licks him,...she may be trying to change his scent,...to smell more like her,...or just to get him to be more submissive, too.

It's hard to say, because it sounds like she wants to Play with him, and interact, ...but then suddenly decides that he might be too unpredictable, too strong, and so wants to try and 'control or direct' the meetings with him acting fairly docile.
Perhaps this is her style of Playing, too, where hissing is just another form of communication, and making her intentions known.

I think you'll notice that her hissing will lessen in time...but only after she's around him longer.
..then that night while we were in the living room he settled on my partners lap and she was over near the tv. After about 10 minutes she came up and approached him , hissing and raising her paw as if to swat so he would move and she took hes place on the lap.
Wow...so she's a bit bossy. :blush: :evilgrin:
It could be jealousy of her humans, and wanting to have all the extra time with you both.
It could also be her telling him, that it's still her territory, her place, and she's the more dominant...so he better move.

In the future, you might have to intervene and stand up for your male cat...but not right now...since they are still working out their differences, and adjusting and learning from each other.
You don't really want to do anything that she would perceive as negative, so as not to upset the cat-intros, and make them tougher...but in the future...you can modify her behaviour in small sessions of intervention, and re-direction, when she wants to swat him, to take over his comfortable place.

Hopefully, though, you won't need to, since he may just refuse to move.
***By Playing with them both, giving treats after good sessions, and giving equal Affection and time, then they'll both become equally secure and confident.
**At some point, in the future, you will have to intervene and stop her from bullying him, and showing her the 'house rules' which are that both cats have to treat each other with respect.
This will have to happen later, when she no longer seems to react to him.
We have a window in the living room that they will both sit on together, about 2 feet apart with minimal hissing. I have also found them sharing our bed and the couch while I’ve been in another room.
If it’s a really bad day for her she just hisses every time she sees him and we usually seperate them for awhile.
You're doing great with the separating, and letting her calm down.

They have an interesting dynamic going on, in where it sounds like she just likes to hiss.
she grew up with 4 large dogs and is quite vocal and hisses a fair bit as a result of communicating to them when they are being too rough with her, and is obviously a large part of her personality and communication which is fine, but with him it often involves growling, slow walking and flat ears (for the more extreme instances) which is what worries me as it’s atypical.
Okay, the hissing part is fine, since it's her way of communicating.
She wants to make sure that your male cat will not play too rough with her, and she does want him to somewhat 'obey her'.

I think you are absolutely right, that it's part of her personality, and the way in which she has learned to make sure that the other animal does not bother her. It's her communication style...which actually many cats do ...while being intro'd.

The growling, slow walking and flat ears could also be another way in which she is communicating, by being the first cat to show aggression...so that the second cat backs down.
I suppose it is worrisome, if it actually leads to a cat-fight.
But because of her young age...she could also be displaying 'play techniques' which she has learned from playing with other animals, and also which have helped her to feel more in control.

  • The next time she does this growling, slow walking and flat ears,...see if you can get her to pause or stop...even if momentarily...by using your voice, and saying something like 'hey, hey, hey'. Or by using a wand toy.
If you can distract her, from focusing intensely on your male cat...and watch how quickly she comes out of that type of 'play mode' or 'stalking'...then it might help you determine how upset or intensely focused she can be.
You're trying to get her out of that mode by using Distraction, with words or a toy.
Just not frightening her, no yelling and no scolding. Clapping hands is okay for distraction.

Observe what both cats do afterwards. That will tell you how bothered they are.
 
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Wow. You are actually ahead of the cat-to-cat introductions, since both your cats are able to be in the same room together, and even though your female is hissing, and being a bit feisty,...it actually sounds like they are both doing well. :)

Sometimes it takes around 2 months for each cat to get fully accustomed and relaxed in a new place, territory, and put down their own scent, while slowly taking in the other cat's scent. Then the actual face-to-face meetings occur.
The process is slow because cats can only take in so much new scent, new routines, new people....so adjusting to this, for cats, is often slow.

The way you are swapping spaces and keeping them separate is excellent. :thumbsup:

In the next week or so, ...just switch-up the times when they are out in the house, since some cats are more active at night, and others just sleep during the day, ...but overall, yes, ...you're getting their scents all over the places.:bluepaw:
It does break up their routine, though, so just be observant if either cat is having difficulty with the time-switch.
Then just go back to your original way.

Again, so excellent with their Play routines. :biggrin:

It's really good to hear, that he respects her boundaries.
Also, how you noticed that she seems to hiss less,... after a good Play session and downtime. That means that she's feeling good from the Play session, and it's carrying through to her being more relaxed and trusting. Plus further relaxed from resting.

It's okay for him to test her boundaries, because they are still 'learning about one another'...and this too, will take more time.
Amazing that he backs off, though. That means that he understands her 'signals' ...hissing, body language, and he really does not want to engage or upset her further.
He sounds great. :cool2:

It sounds like she is still not totally used to seeing him, or wanting to see him, ...in her space. But she'll get there.
When she sniffs and licks him,...she may be trying to change his scent,...to smell more like her,...or just to get him to be more submissive, too.

It's hard to say, because it sounds like she wants to Play with him, and interact, ...but then suddenly decides that he might be too unpredictable, too strong, and so wants to try and 'control or direct' the meetings with him acting fairly docile.
Perhaps this is her style of Playing, too, where hissing is just another form of communication, and making her intentions known.

I think you'll notice that her hissing will lessen in time...but only after she's around him longer.

Wow...so she's a bit bossy. :blush: :evilgrin:
It could be jealousy of her humans, and wanting to have all the extra time with you both.
It could also be her telling him, that it's still her territory, her place, and she's the more dominant...so he better move.

In the future, you might have to intervene and stand up for your male cat...but not right now...since they are still working out their differences, and adjusting and learning from each other.
You don't really want to do anything that she would perceive as negative, so as not to upset the cat-intros, and make them tougher...but in the future...you can modify her behaviour in small sessions of intervention, and re-direction, when she wants to swat him, to take over his comfortable place.

Hopefully, though, you won't need to, since he may just refuse to move.
***By Playing with them both, giving treats after good sessions, and giving equal Affection and time, then they'll both become equally secure and confident.
**At some point, in the future, you will have to intervene and stop her from bullying him, and showing her the 'house rules' which are that both cats have to treat each other with respect.
This will have to happen later, when she no longer seems to react to him.

You're doing great with the separating, and letting her calm down.

They have an interesting dynamic going on, in where it sounds like she just likes to hiss.

Okay, the hissing part is fine, since it's her way of communicating.
She wants to make sure that your male cat will not play too rough with her, and she does want him to somewhat 'obey her'.

I think you are absolutely right, that it's part of her personality, and the way in which she has learned to make sure that the other animal does not bother her. It's her communication style...which actually many cats do ...while being intro'd.

The growling, slow walking and flat ears could also be another way in which she is communicating, by being the first cat to show aggression...so that the second cat backs down.
I suppose it is worrisome, if it actually leads to a cat-fight.
But because of her young age...she could also be displaying 'play techniques' which she has learned from playing with other animals, and also which have helped her to feel more in control.

  • The next time she does this growling, slow walking and flat ears,...see if you can get her to pause or stop...even if momentarily...by using your voice, and saying something like 'hey, hey, hey'. Or by using a wand toy.
If you can distract her, from focusing intensely on your male cat...and watch how quickly she comes out of that type of 'play mode' or 'stalking'...then it might help you determine how upset or intensely focused she can be.
You're trying to get her out of that mode by using Distraction, with words or a toy.
Just not frightening her, no yelling and no scolding. Clapping hands is okay for distraction.

Observe what both cats do afterwards. That will tell you how bothered they are.
Thankyou, it is reassuring having another perspective and seeing the progression. It has been hard for us at times, especially considering how it seemed her immediate response to him changed from wanting to play and be interested into uncertainty and a lot of hissing.

I remember it being similar for her when I introduced kittens but they were obviously far less intimidating for her and it wasn’t a new house so she was a little more predictable.

the past two days have been better , she is much easier to distract from him when she hisses or shows signs of aggression.

She has also been approaching him more during play and it looks like they’re wanting to engage but then she quickly changes her mind when he moves and there’s been a lot more ‘almost swatting’ eachother (often followed by a hiss) where they both put their paws up after a sniff as if they’re starting to test physical boundaries. I’m worried this might start a fight between them if he inevitably gets sick of being passive.

He isn’t scared of her and is certainly larger, but he’s just really good at giving her respect


having them distracted by a toy or noise is still relatively easy, though and usually instant.
 
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