- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #21
M
maggiedemi
yes i totally agree . my husband works nights at a convience store and so im here home alone alot
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im feeling a little down today .... i could use a friend to talk to / A little about myself
- Thread starter strider rose
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- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #23
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It seems you have two separate problems, your unwanted visitor, and your husband.
For the visitor, if he knocks at night and youre alone, ignoring him clearly isn't deterring him. I would shout out the door that he is not welcome at this time and if he doesn't leave you'll call the police. And then follow through and tell them you're being harassed and he's been told to leave and won't.
The bigger problem is that your husband isn't respecting your comfort level and making unilateral decisions about visitors. You shouldn't feel like you have to walk on eggshells in a healthy relationship. I would actually try to justify less because it leads open more room for him to try and argue with you. If you say it's not appropriate because you're married, he can just say he doesn't care, etc. If you just say "no, I'm not comfortable" there's less wiggle room. If he asks why just say "I'm just not" and refuse to discuss it.
But frankly, in your situation, I would really be thinking if I wanted to stay married or not. The level of disrespect to keep inviting him into your house and caring about the feelings of a random person over the one he promised to love and honor, when you've specifically said you're not feeling safe, is not something I could easily get over. And if you're scared to upset him, that just doesn't seem healthy.
For the visitor, if he knocks at night and youre alone, ignoring him clearly isn't deterring him. I would shout out the door that he is not welcome at this time and if he doesn't leave you'll call the police. And then follow through and tell them you're being harassed and he's been told to leave and won't.
The bigger problem is that your husband isn't respecting your comfort level and making unilateral decisions about visitors. You shouldn't feel like you have to walk on eggshells in a healthy relationship. I would actually try to justify less because it leads open more room for him to try and argue with you. If you say it's not appropriate because you're married, he can just say he doesn't care, etc. If you just say "no, I'm not comfortable" there's less wiggle room. If he asks why just say "I'm just not" and refuse to discuss it.
But frankly, in your situation, I would really be thinking if I wanted to stay married or not. The level of disrespect to keep inviting him into your house and caring about the feelings of a random person over the one he promised to love and honor, when you've specifically said you're not feeling safe, is not something I could easily get over. And if you're scared to upset him, that just doesn't seem healthy.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #25
Lari
i get everything that you are saying here , i really do and if that guy keeps coming over i will put my foot down for sure !- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #26
update : i have a plan on how to handle this tight situation now ...
A plan is always good, you know. Just have "Plan B" ready, in case!
If I was you I'd point hubby in the direction of social services tell him to talk to them on this guys behave. Once he's found shelters and homeless charities he can point said freind in the right direction. If this guy doesn't want or won't contact the help your hubby tells him about then you've proved your point to hubby and hopefully he'll stop inviting this guy in. I definitely would not have said freind in the house and would point out that you don't know the full story behind his homelessness. And you don't trust him because he's coming to the house when your alone. Ask your hubby why he's doing this if he asks him not to and he doesn't respect what he's been told maybe hubby will realise that he can't help everyone.
I might express that Hubby’s empathy is a fine quality to be admired, but that it needs to be balanced with some practical perspective.
It’s all well and good to help the less fortunate, but there still needs to be boundaries. Helping other people at the expense of your family is not balanced or healthy.
It’s all well and good to help the less fortunate, but there still needs to be boundaries. Helping other people at the expense of your family is not balanced or healthy.
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I agree with
Lari
.
I pray this will be over for you. It is never cool to be disturbed. This guy is still young and most probably has no health issues. So I hope he'd get help soon. Please be extra careful. It is good that you do not let him in especially when your hubby is not around. Put extra locks on your doors and windows. And as advised by others here, call the cops if he keeps bugging you.
I can understand your situation with your hubby. I have been facing similar situation right now and I know how frustrating it is, or sometimes it feels like being trapped. I do not really know what to advice either, but I am just here in case you need someone to talk to.
Lari
. I pray this will be over for you. It is never cool to be disturbed. This guy is still young and most probably has no health issues. So I hope he'd get help soon. Please be extra careful. It is good that you do not let him in especially when your hubby is not around. Put extra locks on your doors and windows. And as advised by others here, call the cops if he keeps bugging you.
I can understand your situation with your hubby. I have been facing similar situation right now and I know how frustrating it is, or sometimes it feels like being trapped. I do not really know what to advice either, but I am just here in case you need someone to talk to.
Wondering if you may need to call domestic violence hotline. This sounds like emotional abuse to me (((hugs))) Stay safe!
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- #32
well this morning i went over to my landlord's office and let her know that he was coming around at late at night and that i felt he was disturbing my neighbors with his banging on my door and also i was very scared of this guy as well . she said that she would see what she could do on her end .
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Mental illness is a health issue...
Boundaries. You MUST have boundaries. I have worked for a non-profit where clients were dealing with all kinds of issues. You can easily be taken advantage of. You need to balance compassion with practical wisdom. Sometimes different mental health issues cause people to latch onto another individual and it can absolutely drain you. You can't help people without keeping healthy boundaries. And that's why there is Social Services and other non-profits to help people get to a better place in life.
Not to be alarmist; but I did have one unstable client who I was instructed to call the police if we ever spotted her nearby again. She was not in a good place and blamed us! As much as we wanted to help; it became clear that we could not do it and keep ourselves and other clients safe. In her mind; we were the bad guys.
Just last weekend we had a sobbing woman ring our doorbell at 12:30 am! I didn't hear it but DS did and I thought he was kidding when he said the doorbell rang! She didn't stay long; less than 30 seconds and longer than it would have taken me to get the house alarm off and wake DH up. She had walked away before I even got the security camera pulled up on my phone. There are far too many stories about something like that where a person is in distress but it turns out to be a setup. It actually happened to a friend's mother when she was here in the US during college. They tried to say that her husband had been in an accident. Which means they knew he wasn't home. They didn't know he was traveling out of the area. Her mother called the police. They are better equipped to handle whatever it is; whether it's someone with malicious intent or someone in genuine distress.
Not to be alarmist; but I did have one unstable client who I was instructed to call the police if we ever spotted her nearby again. She was not in a good place and blamed us! As much as we wanted to help; it became clear that we could not do it and keep ourselves and other clients safe. In her mind; we were the bad guys.
Just last weekend we had a sobbing woman ring our doorbell at 12:30 am! I didn't hear it but DS did and I thought he was kidding when he said the doorbell rang! She didn't stay long; less than 30 seconds and longer than it would have taken me to get the house alarm off and wake DH up. She had walked away before I even got the security camera pulled up on my phone. There are far too many stories about something like that where a person is in distress but it turns out to be a setup. It actually happened to a friend's mother when she was here in the US during college. They tried to say that her husband had been in an accident. Which means they knew he wasn't home. They didn't know he was traveling out of the area. Her mother called the police. They are better equipped to handle whatever it is; whether it's someone with malicious intent or someone in genuine distress.
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- #35
MoochNNoodles
this has been a very trying ordeal for me . i just want every trace of this guy gone .... no good can come of him coming to my apartment and i have nothing to give him ... its just getting out of hand for me
Could you possibly install an alarm system? Maybe set it when you are alone. I haven't been in this position but if I was an alarm would at least provide some comfort.
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Oh sorry, I missed that part. I hope he'd get help soon.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #38
well i think maybe that the homeless guy is going to be getting a place to live soon or at least that is what the hubs told me tonite so im hoping that there is light at the end of this tunnel for me
I know you brought up the homeless issue in a thread in the IMO forum. Helping the homeless is something for the professionals to do or at least be done at the direction of the professionals. Often there are mental health and/or substance abuse issues. Those are issues for the professionals. It is true that the majority of people with mental illness are not dangerous but some are and only the professionals can make that distinction. Even without that danger someone can easily be sucked dry by trying to help someone in this situation.
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That's good. I hope it's true. You really need to work on getting some respect from the husband. The fact that he completely ignored your concerns shows a severe lack of respect, IMO. No one should feel disrespected in a marriage. Put on your big girl panties and take him to task!!
