I think I am slowly losing control

[carolpetunia]

Sabrina, I'm so glad you know you can talk freely to us here, and I hope you'll always let us be here for you... but honey, we are not enough.

You are profoundly depressed. The level of effort you're having to put forth just to get through a day is superhuman. It's not supposed to be this hard.

You need help. And I completely understand your need to control exactly what kind of help and from whom and for how long -- it's part of the massive weight of anxiety you're carrying around.

But Sabrina, at this moment, you are your own worst enemy. Your sense of responsibility is causing you to actually stand in the way of the help you so desperately need.

This is not something you can fix by yourself, and the effort to do so is only making things worse for you, sweetheart. Please... tomorrow, look at the options in your area and choose someone to place your trust in. And I hope you'll choose a psychiatrist, because I believe medication will need to be part of your recovery, at least for awhile.

And once you've chosen someone, let go of the reins and let that person do the job. You've had to be in charge of so much for so long -- it's time to let someone else carry just this part of the load for you.

Oh, please do this. With your contacts in the medical field, I'm sure you can identify someone with an outstanding reputation, and I hope you can get in quickly on an emergency basis.

And I do think this is an emergency, sweetheart. You can't go on like this... and you don't have to. Please, please make an appointment tomorrow?

 

[laureen227]

Originally Posted by CarolPetunia

Sabrina, I'm so glad you know you can talk freely to us here, and I hope you'll always let us be here for you... but honey, we are not enough.

You are profoundly depressed. The level of effort you're having to put forth just to get through a day is superhuman. It's not supposed to be this hard.

You need help. And I completely understand your need to control exactly what kind of help and from whom and for how long -- it's part of the massive weight of anxiety you're carrying around.

But Sabrina, at this moment, you are your own worst enemy. Your sense of responsibility is causing you to actually stand in the way of the help you so desperately need.

This is not something you can fix by yourself, and the effort to do so is only making things worse for you, sweetheart. Please... tomorrow, look at the options in your area and choose someone to place your trust in. And I hope you'll choose a psychiatrist, because I believe medication will need to be part of your recovery, at least for awhile.

And once you've chosen someone, let go of the reins and let that person do the job. You've had to be in charge of so much for so long -- it's time to let someone else carry just this part of the load for you.

Oh, please do this. With your contacts in the medical field, I'm sure you can identify someone with an outstanding reputation, and I hope you can get in quickly on an emergency basis.

And I do think this is an emergency, sweetheart. You can't go on like this... and you don't have to. Please, please make an appointment tomorrow?

to all of it.

 

[fwan]

Sabrina, you know you have my shoulder and my arms for the whole time that you are here. I will even cry with you as I was so upset with your mothers passing, a lot of the time i feel how you just described in your post. I too went to a councillor and she told me that my mind was too set and too strong. I haven't bothered going to someone else, but I know I will have to once the time comes.

*hugs*

 

[mews2much]

You know I am here for you. Just Pm again if you need to talk.

 

[jean-ji]

I've been reading your threads about your mom and along with the sorrow and pain there is a lot of anger. Sorrow and pain will heal with time, but anger is such a destructive emotion. It ends up turning around and hurting you. You are justified in the anger against the doctor that mistreated your mom, but don't let it spill over into the rest of your life and color everything else. You've hit a bad bump and need help getting over it. It's easy to focus on what's wrong with everyone else rather than looking inside of you where all the pain is, that's a scary and difficult thing to do. You are so proud of your mom's bravery and it's in you too, find someone to help you tap into it.

 

[anakat]

Originally Posted by jean-ji

I've been reading your threads about your mom and along with the sorrow and pain there is a lot of anger. Sorrow and pain will heal with time, but anger is such a destructive emotion. It ends up turning around and hurting you. You are justified in the anger against the doctor that mistreated your mom, but don't let it spill over into the rest of your life and color everything else. You've hit a bad bump and need help getting over it. It's easy to focus on what's wrong with everyone else rather than looking inside of you where all the pain is, that's a scary and difficult thing to do. You are so proud of your mom's bravery and it's in you too, find someone to help you tap into it.

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by jean-ji

I've been reading your threads about your mom and along with the sorrow and pain there is a lot of anger. Sorrow and pain will heal with time, but anger is such a destructive emotion. It ends up turning around and hurting you.

Said perfectly. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to be bitter like this either

 

[duchess15]

Originally Posted by Rosiemac

Said perfectly. I'm sure your mum wouldn't want you to be bitter like this either

No, but sometimes I can't help the way I feel. There are not many people that will ever be able to relate and that is frustrating.

I emailed my doctor and asked him if he could refer me to someone else. Some days I'm ok and others I just get so upset again. What makes it harder is that I can't go into all the details with anyone I know.

I probably won't get in until I get back. I think getting away from this rotten place will help some. Work has become an issue for over the past year. I think this just escalated it and I hope that it will cause me to say some things that need to be said to my co-workers.

 

[rosiemac]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

There are not many people that will ever be able to relate and that is frustrating.

Honestly, i can

I was only 24 when my dad died of a massive stroke, but i held the doctors responsible and we were ready to take things further, as in a court battle for neglect. But after lengthy talks with a lawyer who said he would happily take the case on, but warned us that taking the medical profession on isn't quite as simple as it seems, plus it could take years and really, did we want to put ourselves through any more upset than we were already in?

At the end of the day nothing and no one could bring my dad back.

Your still going through the stages of grief Sabrina, and want to blame someone for taking your mum, i know, i did that with my dad

 

[cococat]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

There are not many people that will ever be able to relate and that is frustrating.

You keep saying this, like a theme in your messages, but honey you would be suprised at the number that can relate all too well. You are not all alone, thinking you that you are is not helpful. I know this is beyond just knowing or thinking this now though, so even though that might make sense, you won't be able to control how you feel, and your feelings have to be released in some way.
Stop by the library, pick up some books on loss. Then please go see a professional, if one didn't work out, go to another until you feel that connection. Help is there and you need some help.

 

[carolpetunia]

Originally Posted by jean-ji

I've been reading your threads about your mom and along with the sorrow and pain there is a lot of anger. Sorrow and pain will heal with time, but anger is such a destructive emotion. It ends up turning around and hurting you. You are justified in the anger against the doctor that mistreated your mom, but don't let it spill over into the rest of your life and color everything else. You've hit a bad bump and need help getting over it. It's easy to focus on what's wrong with everyone else rather than looking inside of you where all the pain is, that's a scary and difficult thing to do. You are so proud of your mom's bravery and it's in you too, find someone to help you tap into it.

Those are some of the wisest words I've ever read.

 

[trouts mom]

Originally Posted by cococat

You keep saying this, like a theme in your messages, but honey you would be suprised at the number that can relate all too well. You are not all alone, thinking you that you are is not helpful. I know this is beyond just knowing or thinking this now though, so even though that might make sense, you won't be able to control how you feel, and your feelings have to be released in some way.
Stop by the library, pick up some books on loss. Then please go see a professional, if one didn't work out, go to another until you feel that connection. Help is there and you need some help.

Very true.

Sabrina, I can't imagine how you feel, I really can't. I am sending many hugs your way though

 

[gailc]

If I lived closer I would be at your house in a second and you could spill your guts to me.

When I was two weeks into my senior yr of high school my parents were in a terrible car accident and my mom was critically injured. They both survived and mom has had other things in her life since, but for YEARS I told myself if only I would have been able to delay my parents just a couple of minutes the accident wouldn't have happend-that was a big burden for a teen to carry around and not share.

Point is I agree with everyone that you need to find a therapist and spill all the emotions you have been bottling up about your mom and your job and other stuff in your life.

Life is just too precious and short.

 

[duchess15]

I'm so sorry. I worded that horribly. It's not that I don't think anyone can relate because of what has happened to her, but moreso how and what she suffered from which I can't discuss. This is the reason I am so torn. I promised my mom I would never tell any people we knew.

Someone neutral is the only outlet I have. I wish I could explain more, but I can't. I will see if I hear from my doctor in the next few days.

 

[mews2much]

There is something I have not told you yet about my Mom. I will tell you in a pm. I hope you feel better.

 

[kaylacat]

I'm sorry for all you are going through right now. BIG

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I honestly think that you should maybe go to the ER and check yourself into a rescue crisis ( mental illness) hospital. Be sure to be up front and honest about what exactly you are feeling and thinking.

They usually only keep you for 4 days- 2 weeks and it would be a great help. A vacation kind of, to just focus on you, to talk to counselors and other people that are depressed, and find ways to cope when you are out. It is nothing to be embarrassed of. I have gone 3-4 times. You leave feeling better and with more resources to help you with your depression and in your case, grief counseling.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me.

 

[rockcat]

Sabrina, Sorry I don't have any advice for you, but it looks like you already got that. I'm sure you can see from the responses that people care about you. My prayers are with you.

I'm sorry that you feel the way you do.

 

[jean-ji]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

I'm so sorry. I worded that horribly. It's not that I don't think anyone can relate because of what has happened to her, but moreso how and what she suffered from which I can't discuss. This is the reason I am so torn. I promised my mom I would never tell any people we knew.

Someone neutral is the only outlet I have. I wish I could explain more, but I can't. I will see if I hear from my doctor in the next few days.

You have really been on my mind since reading about your mom and all your posts. I don't like to jump on the bandwagon with giving advice usually.but your pain is coming across loud and clear, I couldn't ignore it and I think that's probably how everyone else is feeling here. I'm glad you have a call in to your doctor. Please keep posting as you need to, there is no criticism here, just lots of concerned TCS people that care about you.
~Rhonda

 

[duchess15]

I haven't heard back yet from the doctor, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have things in motion.

I really can't stand work anymore. I get very easily irritated at my co-workers and I am trying to just come in, work, and go home. I no longer wish to discuss any of my personal life with them.

I am going on vacation in a little over a week to a place that has always made me happy. I still believe that I will be, it just won't be the same as before.

I am hoping that this will help me sort through some of my feelings being around family. However, I know that the time will come when I still need someone to help me think logically. Because I am very logical until I start to lose control.

I knew this was going to happen one day, but I always thought I had more time.

 

[luvmy2cats]

Originally Posted by Duchess15

I really can't stand work anymore. I get very easily irritated at my co-workers and I am trying to just come in, work, and go home. I no longer wish to discuss any of my personal life with them.

When I was severely depressed I couldn't stand being at work either. I ended up missing so much I got fired. I hope your vacation will work to help you feel better.