I Love You, Ebony

[Cataria]

A month ago, I lost Nenya after her battle with cancer. I never thought I'd lose another one so quickly.

I'm still in shock, and hurt, and angry... Ebony had cholangiohepatitis. I caught it in the early stages, before she had jaundice, or fever, or was too dehydrated... I took her to the vet every single day and called them to let them know the status and that she wasn't improving very much or at all, and it still wasn't good enough. I'm angry at them because I don't think they took me or her condition seriously, not until it was too late. I'm angry at myself because I feel like I should have pushed them harder to escalate her treatment or taken her to a specialist earlier like I considered. Ebony shouldn't have had to die, it wasn't the type of the illness that she couldn't recover from.

Maybe I'm wrong in how I feel; maybe it was inevitable. She had antibiotics from the beginning and wasn't responding to them, so maybe this would have happened even if she did receive fluids, a feeding tube, etc. early on in the treatment cycle. I just don't know.

Ebony was born on April 8th, 2016, she was the third of in a litter of six kittens -- I was right there when she was born. Ebony was the runt of the litter, but like the rest of them, they all did well and survived. I have never seen a family of cats so close -- Camo never tried to drive her kittens away, so even at adulthood Camo still treats her babies like they are little kittens, and she and Ebony were especially close.

Ebony at about a week old:

Ebony with all her littermates:

Ebony at Christmas:

Ebony with her mother, Camo:

She was only a year and five months when she died. She was so young, and it doesn't seem right at all, not for something like cholangiohepatitis. I wish I could have done better. I just wanted to fix you, Ebony, and I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. I don't even know why I couldn't save you, I don't know what happened, and... I just don't understand any of this, but it just really, really hurts.

I love you so much, Ebony, and I really wish we had more time together. I wish I could have gotten to know you better before I had to lose you.

 

[di and bob]

What a beautiful, heart wrenching tribute to such a beautiful little soul. You did all you could at the time. Afterwards, we have way too much time to analyze, pick everything apart, and wish to God we had done something, everything, different. It is so much more heartbreaking that she was so young, yes, it's not fair, she was so wanted and loved. I will never know why such horrible things happen, but I do know one thing, it does absolutely no good to second guess yourself or try to change the past. It is something she would never want for you, the one she loves above all else, she only wants for you to go forward and to find happiness once more, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go,
You can post the signs of this horrible disease and possibly save someone else this heartache, and it would be something you could do in your sweet baby's name to honor her little life. Try not to dwell on the end, but to celebrate the precious gift she left for you, the sharing of her love and walking for a little while with her on her life's journey. This journey will always parallel yours, the bond you have forged with her through your love can never be broken.
Thank you for letting us know of this sweet little girl, she will be held in the thoughts and prayers of many, as she so richly deserves. My heart aches for your pain, I wish I could make it all better, but we all must travel that road of grief alone, but the help of friends always makes it a little easier. Take care, and know we are here if you need to unburden.......RIP precious Ebony, you will never be forgotten, and will always have a place in a loving heart. Goodnight, sleep tight, sweet Princess!

 

[les26]

I am so sorry that you lost your little one so young, sometimes bad things like this happen and we never know the reason why, but she was loved and taken cared of, she had a great life here albeit a short one. The grief is what is making you question and doubt things, but for some reason we'll never know why things like this happen, you didn't do anything wrong.

I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......

 

[Antonio65]

Please, don't beat yourself up for something you had no control on.
Vets should have helped her and you and they didn't. You did what was in your power, and the fact that you took Ebony to the vet every single day is enough to make you her hero and guardian. You cared for her, she knows that well.
I fully understand your anger because if the vets where I took my sweet Lola to had done what they should have done, she would be still with me.
We put our cats' lives in the vets' hands because most of the times we have no choice, but our trust in them isn't always rewarded.
You will be always in her heart and she'll be in yours, that's what counts.
Hugs!

 

[Cataria]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Ebony, dream you deep. Your paw prints are on someone's heart forever.

She was, and forever is, beautiful. If you know nothing else, please know this. Love never dies. It changes form, but it never, ever dies.

 

[mrsgreenjeens]

I'm so sorry for your loss . I know you did everything in your power to help her, and she knew it too.

Run free at the bridge, sweet Ebony

 

[catsknowme]

My condolences on losing Ebony. Such a sad story. Your sweet darling left this world too soon, at the peak of life, from a home that offered her every thing positive; so unlike a miserable street cat for whom Death comes as a friend. Camo must be feeling the loss tremendously as well. Ebony is now relieved of her earthly remains, feeling no pain, and free to love you forever. I find that keeping a journal and writing a special kitty song or poem helps in the grieving process. I also like certain songs; Heaven's So Far Away by The Offspring, The First Hello (Began The Last Goodbye) by Roger Whitaker, and the oldtime gospel "I'll Fly Away", for instance. Whatever you find that helps you, Camo and the siblings, please share - many people reading our posts are being seared with heartbreak and grief; we welcome them all, at anytime, to be members but respect their privacy if they choose to just visit but keep their own company ( just like our ferals).

 

[zed xyzed]

I am so sorry that you have lost 2 beautiful friends in such a short period of time. Ebony was a beautiful girl

 

[Cataria]

Wow... so, I'm super emotional right now, so I need a minute to get it out. I think you guys will understand.

So, when Ebony was sick, I put up a trail camera that was pointed at the litterbox so that I monitor if/when she was using it. I finally took it down and looked at the rest of the pictures.

After losing someone -- a pet, a person -- you eventually realize the pictures you have are all you are ever going to have; it's the only way you will ever see them again. And you know what those pictures look like because you've seen them so many times, there's nothing new about them. There's nothing surprising.

When I pulled out the SD card on the camera, I realized there were pictures of Ebony I've never seen before on that camera. Not great ones -- trail camera -- but there's one really close up of her face from her sniffing the camera, and I just... I just feel like I've been punched. She's gone, I'm never going to see her again, but for a moment, I did, I saw something new, and it's like seeing her again but not really because I know that this is 100% the last time I'm ever, ever going to see her doing a new thing. I feel like I've lost her all over again.

I know one day I'll be glad that I found the picture, but right now, it's tearing me apart.

 

[Kitty Mommy]

How wonderful it was that you found those photos. I know it hurts now, but I think she was sending you a gift. I am so sorry for your loss. Ebony was a beautiful girl. When I saw the photos of her I sucked in my breath because she looks so much like my Tiger who just passed on a couple of days ago.

 

[catsknowme]

This grieving process sucks! It is like there is a piece of broken glass in the center of your heart. Your heart heals around it and then something jolts those ragged edges and your heart rips open again. And even though your brain knows that the edges do soften, the heart still pains. I hope it helps give you comfort that we know, we understand, we care......susan

 

[Antonio65]

When I pulled out the SD card on the camera, I realized there were pictures of Ebony I've never seen before on that camera. Not great ones -- trail camera -- but there's one really close up of her face from her sniffing the camera, and I just... I just feel like I've been punched. She's gone, I'm never going to see her again, but for a moment, I did, I saw something new, and it's like seeing her again but not really because I know that this is 100% the last time I'm ever, ever going to see her doing a new thing. I feel like I've lost her all over again.

I had the same punch in my stomach when I watched some of the images on an SD card I have in one of my indoor surveillance cams. I have one aimed at the area where my cat(s) were/is.
I saw my Lola walking around the room, going to her bowl, jumping on a chair to have a nap, and all her usual things, like sitting at staring at nothing.
Those images and short clips were taken while I was away from home, so they are moments that I hadn't lived with her. Those images are priceless!

 

[Kitty Mommy]

This grieving process sucks! It is like there is a piece of broken glass in the center of your heart. Your heart heals around it and then something jolts those ragged edges and your heart rips open again. And even though your brain knows that the edges do soften, the heart still pains. I hope it helps give you comfort that we know, we understand, we care......susan

Yep, you nailed it right on the head. I can't think of a better way to describe what this feels like. It does get better but the pain never really stops.

 

[solomonar]

My condolences.

The number of litter is more than one for a reason. And the reason is part of the cubs will not make it. Cats are highly competitive animals (some may say - the most competitive mammals), so they Mother Nature took any imaginable measure to make sure the Felis catus Species will keep going. The other side of this coin is that some individuals are born not to specifically survive longer, but to check against not planned environment circumstances. Some of the genetic legacy is there just in case. This can result in weakness in some other genetic sequences - like the ones governing certain immunity.

The conclusion is you should not blame yourself for not being able to change this way the Mother Nature organizes the reproduction for the species to gain on the long run. Nobody can, because we are not the masters.

We know so little, only Love keeps us alive.

My tears for the little one, going back so early.

 

[edie56]

im sorry this had to happen she looked just like my bangle kitty did you keep the hole litter

 

[catsknowme]

That picture of Dipper is cuteness overload!!
Our cattle dog was allergic to flea bites and also to certain grains in his food. Many people were skeptical of that diagnosis and said it was ringworm and that we would catch it - so frustrating.
So happy that Dipper is getting relief from such a miserable problem, poor guy. Bravo to you on getting him vet care - you have a great head on your shoulders!