I lost my cat 4 days ago

[lizziebb]

Hi @catconcern What a sad little post, yet I unite with you in it.

I have not seen the movie nor will I see the movie but these major feasts and events such as Easter, Christmas are going to be hard. Things will remind us of our lost little friends.

Last night I heard my poor Kitty meowing, I swear it was real but it wasn't. I was half asleep or dreaming who knows, but I heard her and as time goes on I still notice that little noises at my bedroom door remind me of her little paws tapping to get in, or her nails clicking as she walked.

In the mornings I realize I have  more time since I do not have to clean the litter box and I do not have to feed her and make her food for the day for my mom to put out.

I should be getting a call for ashes today, I dread that.

I do not cry as much, but that ache is still there inside, like all over. When I go in the basement the area where her litter box was so prominent, with her box, the litter, the scoopers, cleaners, all these things. Now it is completely bare! I don't look but when I do that ache pushes and hurts A LOT. Her empty spot in my room, where she spent 99% of her time, kills me too. 

On a side note, to share, I do not tell many people about her passing because they do not understand. And so anyways I told one person very shortly that she passed and the response I got was "why dont you just get a new one, same colour"...it did not anger me it made me realize EVEN MORE how much my beautiful Kitty was not just a pet for 20 years, but all those things we say they are, a friend, family, our heart and soul, a LARGE part of why we exist. When people say that I actually am happy because my love for Kitty grows and I take comfort in knowing that thank GOD she wasn't just a "pet"...she was sent by God for me and I for her for 20 years of love and joy and so much more I can never be thankful enough.

Wishing you and everyone peace during this Easter season. May we love even more and grow stronger in our loss and love.

 

[catconcern]

Hi @catconcern What a sad little post, yet I unite with you in it.
I have not seen the movie nor will I see the movie but these major feasts and events such as Easter, Christmas are going to be hard. Things will remind us of our lost little friends.

Last night I heard my poor Kitty meowing, I swear it was real but it wasn't. I was half asleep or dreaming who knows, but I heard her and as time goes on I still notice that little noises at my bedroom door remind me of her little paws tapping to get in, or her nails clicking as she walked.
In the mornings I realize I have  more time since I do not have to clean the litter box and I do not have to feed her and make her food for the day for my mom to put out.
I should be getting a call for ashes today, I dread that.

I do not cry as much, but that ache is still there inside, like all over. When I go in the basement the area where her litter box was so prominent, with her box, the litter, the scoopers, cleaners, all these things. Now it is completely bare! I don't look but when I do that ache pushes and hurts A LOT. Her empty spot in my room, where she spent 99% of her time, kills me too. 

On a side note, to share, I do not tell many people about her passing because they do not understand. And so anyways I told one person very shortly that she passed and the response I got was "why dont you just get a new one, same colour"...it did not anger me it made me realize EVEN MORE how much my beautiful Kitty was not just a pet for 20 years, but all those things we say they are, a friend, family, our heart and soul, a LARGE part of why we exist. When people say that I actually am happy because my love for Kitty grows and I take comfort in knowing that thank GOD she wasn't just a "pet"...she was sent by God for me and I for her for 20 years of love and joy and so much more I can never be thankful enough.

Wishing you and everyone peace during this Easter season. May we love even more and grow stronger in our loss and love.

Thanks for your post. A lot of the things I feel the same. My cats place where he used to sleep/ rest now empty. His things not there anymore.

Id like to know more about the meow you thought up heard. Whether you asleep or not , or dreaming. Some people hear or see their cat, coming back to are them to reassure them they're ok.

That comment about getting a new cat, most people have no idea do they. Your cat sure was an angel sent by god to you, like mine was too me. So special. God sends them to guide us and give us love and wisdom.

Holidays will be tough. I have to know my boy is ok. I want to dream of him and it be him in my dream, and he's fine. I have dealt about him a few times, but they were just dreams. One time seemed different to the others , but I can't say it felt real like the one I had with my grandfather. That one was him for real in my dream. I woke up scared because it was real.

I wish you well. Keep in touch. Have a great Easter.

 

[dalimili18]

Dear catconcern,

I would love to tell you not to blame yourself, but it is hard as our brain always finds a way to question itself, decisions we made, things we did, so this is something that we who are grieving have to deal with somehow.

My baby died five weeks ago, exactly at this minute that I am writing reply to your post, I just noticed it, and last night I had by far the worst night I ever had, half asleep, half awake, so many nightmares, I cried for hours last night... anyway...

I don't think there is an option where we would not grieve the same way, there is no nice way to let our babies move on, whether it is at the vet, at home or being hidden in the garden, we will always experience their loss the same. We will just about always find the way to blame ourselves. It is just one of the stages that we have to go through.

My guilt-blame is that I didn't take my baby to the vet immediately that night when he was behaving strange and my constant thought is what if they could help him, what if they could save his life... he died at home with me in the morning. I blame myself every day, every minute, every second. It is most horrid feeling, guilt, constant questioning why, how, what if... I am half in depression, half manic.. I can function, but I would do anything and give everything if I could repair that decision. But I can't.

Now, what might help is to look at the bigger picture. Things happened for a reason. I have to convince myself in that, perhaps you should too. There was some grand plan behind everything that happened, even if it seems like a misfortunate event, a decision you would change, there must be some bigger picture that we have to look at.

My boy was 14.5. He was eating and drinking that day. Everything looked more or less normal. Then the seizures started which I hadn't noticed for hours as they were barely noticeable, he was just behaving a bit weird. He died 12 hours later, still having seizures that didn't go away, even with the tablet I gave him later when I realized what was actually happening. He died at home, with me the person who loved him the most, he seemed very calm, he squinted at me, he looked so pretty and loveable. I had my hand on his head for whole night, and just about 20 minutes before he died I just knew this was it, I looked at him and asked "Is this going to be our last day?". I didn't see him die actually, because I was cleaning the puke on the floor, so in those 25 seconds that I left him alone on his FAVORITE blanket which I just put out after weeks of having it in the closet, he died without me seeing him suffocate...

What I want to say is the whole thing was HORRIBLE, I would have never imagined anything worse, I also recently moved to a totally new country, new place being here only a few months alone with him, and then THIS happened. I hate this place now, I hate the appartement, the sunny days, the seaside, I hate everything, how am I suppose to go on with this pain??! But I keep saying myself, thiings just had to be that way. I am still not sure why, but there must be some grand plan behind it.

Now he is burried in the sunnies place in the garden, under an olive tree, I planted rosemary and some flowers on top of it... So catconcern, believe me, whatever you are feeling I and many of us can relate, and I want you to know that the guilt is always there, regardless how our babies die... we break down.

We lost our friends, perhaps best friends, our family members, to me my boy was a sort of life partner, a friend, and a family member... is it really surprising that our grief takes so long, that it hits us that hard?! It is a giant loss that we have to deal with on our own, because nobody else had that relationship with them as we have, nobody can actually understand, they can try, but it is very hard....

I just hope we can all heal soon. Sending you  a lot of positive thoughts....

 

[catconcern]

Happy Easter boy.

Love you boy

 

[catconcern]

Thanks dalimili. That's a very god post you did. Happy Easter to you too.

 

[catconcern]

I miss my boy so much. It feels like my life has ended. Why hasn't he come to see me in my dreams he knows how much I love him. It makes me think there is nothing after life. I know I sound like a lunatic but even something in my mind asks did the vet even put him down? Wouldn't surprise me if the sick idiot didn't to do tests on him. I didn't witness my boy being put to sleep nor did I check on him after we received him the next day as he was wrapped up and i couldn't look. Yes I know this probably didn't happen but it did cross my mind as they had never seen anything like that. Crossed my mind as far fetched as it seems that he could have did tests on him. I had to type that because it's been bugging me and I don't really believe that. The reason why I say that because I would have thought if my boy was deceased and he know show much I love him he would corne back to see me to let me know he's ok and ease my mind. I know he loved me heaps too.


This is so hard. Why did this have to happen. Why couldn't I just go back and see him and try to fix him. I do not accept what I've done because what I did wasn't good enough and he deserved more. I failed horribly and ended his life. I love him heaps this sucks.

 

[dalimili18]

I don't know if this makes you feel better, but I also just dreamt about my baby once in the last 3 months since he died. In the dreams I kept reviving him, he would be alive for an hour and then he would die again, just like a Groundhog Day, repeating it all over again.

All sort of crazy and insane things have crossed my mind in these days, weeks, months... from accidentally killing him with an Aloe Vera gel to changing his dry food to different brand, to not giving him enough to drink and I even went as far as thinking I burried him alive... so, yeah, our minds are crazy and they are trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.

So, just know that you are not alone in this and a lot of us have gone through or are still going through it. I am still crying, I am still wondering what I could have done differently, what IF... you know, my baby died at home, because I postponed the visit to the vet to morning and it was too late for him, so I always think that even if I did take him to vet that night and they had to put him down I would have had the same problems, same issues just a bit differently directed.

I loved my boy to death. I would do anything for him. I am sure you loved your baby just as much. Sometimes it is not in our hands and sometimes destiny takes it's turn.

I hope you are able to mourn your baby without horriffic pain, he wouldn't want you to suffer, he'd just expect you to offer him his bowl and a loviing home.

 

[catconcern]

Thanks dal. It's very hard as you know. I feel like a murderer. I don't feel I did what I was supposed to do and I failed him at a critical time. He had more time left.

Thanks for your support.

 

[meowzart]

I lost my first cat, Sugar a week before Christmas in 1995 from kidney failure. I was in the bathroom, my parents were watching her to ensure she wouldn't follow me. The vet told us to keep her stable and calm, but she hated when I was out of her sight. I was 12 then, so yea, she was a terror during school hours! My beautiful cat I raised from 2 weeks, to her death. To this day, I regret that I wasn't there for her in her last minutes. I grew up an Army brat, so making friends wasn't easy. Sugar was my best friend, and I still think about her. I won't lie to you. The first year without your kitty is gonna be painful- especially on important days, ie birthday (gotcha date), or any other special day. Sometimes just waking up and not seeing them will open the tears. Don't be ashamed of them. I lost my cat, Tiger, last year, and it still it hurts! She was 12, and I was there, a small comfort, but still trying to heal. Don't rush it. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[catconcern]

Thanks meozart. It's been very hard as I've lost my best friend and soul mate and as you know I'm not happy with what I did at the end. It feels as though a curse has been put on me at times, punishing me, making me suffer. This week has been very painful and it happened last July.

 

[catconcern]

Well over a year on, almost a year and two months and I still regret it. I miss you boy, I love you heaps and think about you every day. No way I made the right decision, my mind went missing at the time. Just a complete 180 on what I was supposed to do. That's what happens when you have other people around you giving you advice and you're waiting to hear from people. Tense situations I think it's best to be alone and make decisions yourself. Never back down from your initial thoughts and feelings if you believe they are right, In a moment of weakness, or tough times, you can be influenced by others putting ideas and stuff in your head.

Well over a year on and I'm much stronger than then and more confident. I don't need people in my ear telling me this or that, all what I want to hear. I stuffed up. I made a mistake and I regret it big time. Even typing this, is meaningless. It's pointless. It's not going to change anything. My boy can't here me. He's gone. He's never coming back and if there was an afterlife, he would have came to see me to let me know he's ok. He loved me so much, there is no way he wouldn't have come back to see me to let me know he's ok, especially how much I suffered and how close we were.

I can tell you be 100 percent sure it is your cats time and if it is suffering and there is no way back, by all means, it's time kinder methods to be used. But if there are things that can be done, and you don't think it's your cats time yet, and you will know, do not do it. The vets are so quick to recommend putting your pet to sleep it's not funny. So many cases I've read, the vet said it's time and the owner has did it then regretted it. This '' there always will be regrets '' thing is nonsense. If my cat was suffering bad and was out of time, yeah, it would have been the best thing to do. But it wasn't. Not to mention that my cat was totally fine before the moron vet gave him cortisone. 10 days later he was dead. Ridiculous. Also how many times have owners declined putting their pets to sleep and they've gone on to live years longer.

Afterlife and God doesn't exist. No visits, no dreams, no prayers listened let alone answered. I've condemned my boy to nothingess and basically murdered him. Great way to leave this earth. Left alone with  strangers grabbing you and leaving you scared. Yeah, euthanasia is humane. Sure.

No I am not depressed or in a negative state of mind. One thing I will not do is push this in the back of my mind  or pretend. I can not believe I listened to various people instead of doing something which was so basic. Doing the right thing. Doing what was right in front of my own eyes. It was so easy, so basic, yet oh no, I can't make the easy right decision. Not me, I'm not capable of that. I can't be smart, I'm dumb. I couldn't even back myself to do something so simple. People saying this and that, all I had to do was say no. No, I will not put him down because he was grooming himself and jumping on and off window sills despite this injury. He was not meowing in pain. He was not in any discomfort. If he was, he wouldn't jump on and off a window sill after he was grooming himself.

If there was a GOD, where the hell was he guiding me through all of this? There is no GOD. All I can do for myself is live each day and not dwell on it too much. That doesn't leave my boy anywhere in all of this. He was the one who paid the ultimate price and I miss him everyday. It hurts me that I hurt him.

Where is my boy? is he watching me in some alternate universe? Yeah right.

 

[mollyblue]

I want to give you some magic words.  "It is what it is"  Don't beat yourself up over what ifs, what might have beens.  You loved your cat, and this is obvious.  I know your cat loved you too.  That is the best we can do in the long run.  If love alone could save you, you never would have died (its from the Rainbow Bridge Poem) is inscribed on our cats Urn.  We decided not to Euthanize and she died a natural death.  But there is guilt with that too... should we have?  There is no perfect last time to see each other... There is no perfect end.  It is what it is.  I don't think you were making these decisions on your own.  Some people believe that your grief can keep your little cat's soul trapped here if she is afraid to leave you.  Give her permission to move on.  Give yourself permission to miss her, and to move on.

 

[cataan]

Hey CC,

We lost our friends just a month or two apart, and I remember your original post as it was not long after mine.  I too have not gotten over the death of my friend and I still think about him every day.  My dad died a couple months ago and I was far sadder about my cat's death than my dad's.  My dad was in his 80s and had an incurable condition that would eventually lead to his death.  I don't like how he died but he was an old man and the human life span just isn't infinite.  I didn't cause my dad's death, unlike my cat's, so there is no guilt.  But most people are shocked that would feel sadder about the loss of my cat than a human being -- "he was just a cat".  The don't understand the bond that you can form with a cat when you have that indescribable connection that you would not expect between two different species.  But you know exactly what I mean -- it's a real, genuine friendship.

 

[ginny]

Hi CC,

I just now saw this.  I didn't realize you lost your kitty just 3 days after my mom died last year.  Mom passed July 4, of all days.  This year I had Gracie PTS on July 23.  Suffice it to say I HATE July.  For two reasons now. Where is God?  Good question.  I think there must be a God, but when I pray I feel like no one is listening.  I hope mom and Gracie didn't just cease to exist.  People say with such assuredness that they are in heaven.  The truth is no one really knows.  Little comfort I know, but at least you aren't the only one who wonders these things.  Take care.