I Lost My Buttons This Morning And I'm Struggling

[buttonsforever2018]

Buttons was overweight her whole life. I tried to put her on a diet a few times but she loved food so much she would bite at my ankles from wanting to eat so I let her eat as she wanted most times. She always had stomach issues her whole life, she would often get sick for a few days and be throwing up. Every vet visit was clear except for a couple UTI's early on in her life so I usually just waited for it to clear. This week was different. I am only 21 and currently moved into my boyfriend's mom while we wait to get our house, we pretty much stay fully upstairs so Buttons mained the downstairs and was taken care of by my boyfriend's mom (She feeds them all down there, there is a whole cat room for our babies). A few days ago she mentioned to me Buttons seemed sick again. I didn't think much of it, I was worried but figured same old stuff. Two days ago I felt her nose and it was so dry, she was lethargic and acting worse than her usual sickness. So I scheduled her for the vet. Banfield Pet Hospital like my mom always took our pets and I've always taken mine. Those little ones inside Petsmart. When we were called into the room I set Buttons up on the table and she just didn't care about anything. Within moments the vet said she was yellow and based on everything she thought it was fatty liver disease. I didn't really know what that meant, and I definitely wasn't going to just believe her so I let her do all her tests. $550 and about 20 minutes later I find out that yes, she has fatty liver disease "hepatic lipidosis." She tells me the care is hospitalization and the first night will be $1,500, averaging about $1,000 a day after that, and if she makes it the care will take 4-7 days and then outpatient therapy as well with them. As a 21 year old, my immediate thoughts were not great. I talked it over with the vet for a long while and told her I was going to wait on my decision, clarifying that there was no way Buttons would just like "die overnight" and I had time. After hours of research (which is how I discovered this site, this site helped me so much) I found I could syringe feed her back to health at home. I was so excited! I even went and talked it over with the vet and she said yes it's possible but not recommended because of aspiration pneumonia. I read up over 10 success stories and people made it seem so easy. I went home with all my supplies and began the syringe feeding every 2 hours, starting slow so she wouldn't get sick. I set alarms on my phone for the intervals. Every time I did it she seemed worse, fought it more, and not feeling better. I wasn't surprised based on what I read and had every intention of continuing. Until about 6 AM that morning. No one warned me the syringes get looser. I had kind of found the perfect way to get it into her mouth by angling it from the side as the web suggested and squirting quickly 1 ML at a time so she couldn't spit it out but it wouldn't choke her or anything. I don't know what happened, I had 10 ML loaded in this syringe and 5 of them just randomly disappeared into the abyss of her mouth when I didn't do anything different. She immediately coughed and looked at me strange so I set her down, she sat up like she would be sick. Okay good she's going to throw it up, I thought while panicking. A few minutes later she laid down and let out a quiet, drawn out, miserable meow followed by several raspy breaths. I freaked the hell out. I called my bf's mom and told her what happened she said she's aspirating. I call the vet up the street and tell them and they tell me I just have to bring her in. I decide to wait a little bit to be sure it wouldn't just clear up, my boyfriend's mom was about to be home anyway. It didn't clear up. I checked every 20 mins and she would just lay there quietly and if she did make sounds it was the raspy breaths. I bawled my eyes out feeling like I killed my cat. Finally rushed her to the vet and he only charged me $100 or so to tell me about her liver issues (granted I got the previous tests faxed over so it makes sense). He then proceeded to tell me he could hospitalize her overnight for $200. Two Hundred. That was nothing compared to my previous quote. He said we would give her 24 hours and see if she improved, but he wasn't feeling great about it. So of course I did! He also told me he listened to her lungs and he was SURE she wasn't aspirating and there was absolutely nothing in there. That doesn't make any sense to me and I think he might have known she was probably going to die and didn't want me to feel the guilt, but I hope not. I'll never know. He told me if anything happened he would call me, and if not to call back at 4 PM (24 hours from the time of care). I went in and loved on her, sad little face laying still on the heated blanket with her arm in a cast for the IV. Honestly, it looked pretty comfortable. The most comfortable I'd seen her in a week. I told her I loved her and I'd be back soon. I struggled that day yesterday, I had to go have some drinks to calm my anxiety. Finally time for bed and I set my phone so loud. I kept waking up hourly checking if I missed a call and was relieved everytime. 7:45 AM on the dot, I hear the ringtone I never hear because my phone is always on vibrate. My heart sank. Maybe it was just a scam call or a debt collector or something. Hello? Hi this is Doctor Blah Blah, I have some bad news. A piece of me was relieved because the way the vet was talking, I was going to have to put her down today anyway. I tried my best to stay realistic but man, I really was hoping for a miracle. He said it was peaceful and she just kind of fell asleep, she actually made it over the night but this morning she just couldn't. Half of me feels like I gave her my all, I invested as much as I could into this and was willing to go all the way with the care if I had to. I am filled with guilt for not finding this hospital sooner and even attempting the at home care. I know it's not my fault and it's bad to do the whole "what if's" but my heart can't help it. She was only 7 and a half. One thing that has me feeling okay is she seemed to have so many health problems, even if I had saved her this time it probably wouldn't have been long at all until we were right back there. I am sorry for the long post, I don't have anyone to share these feelings with and this forum helped me through a lot when I was freaking out trying to care for her. RIP Buttons, Oct 2010-Aug 2018. My butt butt, my lil butterbean. </3

Buttons is the one on the right side of the picture, the Maine Coon.
I am posting this because I find it comforting and I'm hoping someone might have some words to help me, if not, thanks for the read.

 

[Furballsmom]

I'm so glad you shared her and your story. I'm glad you had this site to help you.

Buttons baby, your struggle is over, your grace and strength have been returned to you. You will walk beside your person in love and when the time comes, will meet again.
RIP sweetheart.

 

[tinydestroyer]

I'm so sorry to hear about Buttons. It sounds like you did a lot to help her, and that you truly loved her. There's nothing more you can do. I read an amazing post on grief here on TCS which pointed out that a lot of the reason we feel so guilty in these situations is because we are comforted by the illusion of having some control over death. If you're guilty of something, after all, it is because you believe you could have manipulated the outcome to be different. In fact, we humans do what we can, but there's no real way to predict what will happen day to day, there's no real way to change the past, and there's nothing we can do when it is someone's time to go.
Please don't feel responsible for Button's death. The only way you could be guilty is if you had been negligent, which you obviously were not. In fact, by the sound of it, you did everything in your power to care fr and love her until the end.
I will see if I can find that post on grief for you and link to it here. Please reach out if you want to share pics and stories about sweet Buttons, or just want to express your grief.

 

[tinydestroyer]

Grieving

 

[les26]

I am so sorry that you lost Buttons, it is just an awful feeling when they are sick and we are trying our best to help them and make decisions and have to "play God", but you did the best that you could with what you had and it is obvious reading this the intense love that you had for her, you have nothing to feel guilty about and did the right things. When they get this sick, they are not enjoying this life anymore, and when the time comes they are ready to go and relieved to be out of their pain riddled body, but she is fine now, just fine, it is you who understandably is hurting and the "I should have done this " and "why didn't I do that" is all just the grief talking and it will try to control you but with time it will ease up. Just remember you did your best and all that you could, unfortunately it was just her time to leave this Earth and go to the next life, but she is fine and you will see her again someday and it will be wonderful. Thank you for caring so much and for taking such good care of her.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.......

 

[di and bob]

Beautiful Buttons, reading of that precious little girl and how much she loved you, I know in my heart she would never want you to feel so much sadness and guilt over her passing. Love is spiritual, so forever. It means only wanting happiness and sunshine in the life of the one you love so much. You never intentionally wanted harm to come to your little one. It takes intention to have guilt. You did what you could with what you had. Sometimes it is not enough, no matter what is done, the call is to strong and your sweet girl had to answer.
She shared your life's journey for a little while, and even though it hurts so very much for her to follow a new path now, to have never known her at all would have been unthinkable. You had a special bond, a bond built of love that will tie your souls together for eternity. She will forever be as near as your prayers and your thoughts.
We all have those horrible feelings of guilt and all those should haves, could haves. It is called grief and each and every one of us has our own road to follow on that journey. But it helps to share that burden, to lean on another shoulder and know you are not alone. Don't dwell on her end, it brings nothing but heartache and changes nothing, and it makes the death more important than her life. He life is oh so much more important and precious. She will always be alive in your feelings for her, "death cannot take that which never dies", your precious love.....
Time is the only thing that helps dull the sharp edges of grief. You will never 'get over' losing that sweet girl, you will learn to live with it. Take that precious legacy of love she left you and pass it on as she would want, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go. Don't let the sorrow darken your heart and not allow her love to grow and to spread. Then death wins and that is not what she would want for you and all those she loves. Send her thoughts of joy and a passion for living, in this way you keep her close by and at peace, she lives on through your own emotions and feelings. Make them happy ones, do not send her sadness and tears.
My heart goes out to you. I know how much this hurts and how long it will command a place in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, may you be blessed for hurting so much from loving so deep.
RIP precious Buttons. You will never be forgotten, you will forever hold a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again.....good night, sleep tight little Princess!

 

[NY cat man]

Beautiful Buttons, reading of that precious little girl and how much she loved you, I know in my heart she would never want you to feel so much sadness and guilt over her passing. Love is spiritual, so forever. It means only wanting happiness and sunshine in the life of the one you love so much. You never intentionally wanted harm to come to your little one. It takes intention to have guilt. You did what you could with what you had. Sometimes it is not enough, no matter what is done, the call is to strong and your sweet girl had to answer.
She shared your life's journey for a little while, and even though it hurts so very much for her to follow a new path now, to have never known her at all would have been unthinkable. You had a special bond, a bond built of love that will tie your souls together for eternity. She will forever be as near as your prayers and your thoughts.
We all have those horrible feelings of guilt and all those should haves, could haves. It is called grief and each and every one of us has our own road to follow on that journey. But it helps to share that burden, to lean on another shoulder and know you are not alone. Don't dwell on her end, it brings nothing but heartache and changes nothing, and it makes the death more important than her life. He life is oh so much more important and precious. She will always be alive in your feelings for her, "death cannot take that which never dies", your precious love.....
Time is the only thing that helps dull the sharp edges of grief. You will never 'get over' losing that sweet girl, you will learn to live with it. Take that precious legacy of love she left you and pass it on as she would want, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go. Don't let the sorrow darken your heart and not allow her love to grow and to spread. Then death wins and that is not what she would want for you and all those she loves. Send her thoughts of joy and a passion for living, in this way you keep her close by and at peace, she lives on through your own emotions and feelings. Make them happy ones, do not send her sadness and tears.
My heart goes out to you. I know how much this hurts and how long it will command a place in your life. My thoughts and prayers are with you all, may you be blessed for hurting so much from loving so deep.
RIP precious Buttons. You will never be forgotten, you will forever hold a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again.....good night, sleep tight little Princess!

Amen to that.

 

[buttonsforever2018]

Hi guys,

I just wanted to say that every single reply to this has helped me IMMENSELY. I haven't had the heart to respond yet, I may individually respond soon but seriously thank you to every one of you who took the time to respond. It really has helped me understand my grief and process it better. This website is a wonderful community.

Thank you again

 

[Kat0121]

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sorry that you lost your sweet Buttons. No matter how long they are with us it is never long enough. You did everything you could and Buttons knows that. She will watch over you with lots of love until the day comes when you are reunited. Instead of focusing on her last moments, hold onto all the wonderful times you shared. Every snuggle and every purr because she remembers them all and those memories are what she took with her along with her love for you which is unending. Nothing- including death can sever the bond the two of you share. Please do not blame yourself for her passing. That is the last thing she would want. Talk about her all you want. We understand and we want to help you.

RIP sweet Buttons. You will always be loved and never forgotten.

I agree that this is a wonderful community. We are not just here for the cats. We are also here for each other.

 

[betsygee]

I'm very sorry to read about Buttons. She was a beautiful little girl. I know it's easier said than done, but please don't feel guilty. You did everything in your power to help her, and I have no doubt she knew how well loved and cared for she was.

RIP, little Buttons.

 

[cassiopea]

Sincere condolences Very sorry for your loss! It is understandably difficult to lose someone special. Don't feel guilty or beat yourself up, you were clearly a devoted owner.


R.I.P Darling Buttons