I lost my baby boy ...

Riccana

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I haven't posted in a while...so forgive me.

6/16/2021 I lost my baby boy Smokey. Smokey was the baby brother of Momo, who I shared here as well when he passed. I had a horrible experience prior to Smokey's passing.

Long story short, I promised Smokey I would cremate and bring him home with his brother...sadly, it didn't go that way. Savings was short, which I didn't know until too late when trying to pay for the CBC and such for Smokey. The female doctor made me feel like it was my fault for Smokey's issues due to him eating dry food. I was crushed. The head owner came in and after many phone calls, I found help to get Smokey to Rainbow Bridge. If I didn't pay, they would take him from me...I couldn't...not after almost 10 years. The head owner told me he was on a path to a pancreatic attack, just like Momo...so I was devastated even more. I asked what happens when an animal is left after passing, what I was told gave me horrible images. So for the first time in my life, I buried my baby. I am so upset still...I couldn't keep my promise...all I was able to keep of it at all, was that he wasn't alone, and placed the ashes of his brother and my other fur babies with him. He was gently wrapped in one of his favorite blankets with the ashes and toys in his arms and beside him. Covered and right now I am trying to raise funds for a proper setup for him and the others.

Its been 2 days and the painful cries come in waves...at times I feel somewhat normal, sometimes I feel like nothing has changed, times where its unreal and then eventually it hits me and I break. I worked a lot when I lost my first 2 boys, now, I am a stay at home Mom and with no work...I am struggling so hard to process the days as they go by. I feel like I don't know how to grieve, how to do anything and I am scared doing anything like reading, gaming, walking etc its as if its disregarding his passing. I'm just so lost in how to handle other than visiting every morning before breakfast and throughout the day, to talk to him, and miss him..

Below is my baby boy and one of him and Momo of whom I shared a few years back.. if anyone has any advice etc...please share as I am so lost in how to handle his passing.
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tarasgirl06

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I haven't posted in a while...so forgive me.

6/16/2021 I lost my baby boy Smokey. Smokey was the baby brother of Momo, who I shared here as well when he passed. I had a horrible experience prior to Smokey's passing.

Long story short, I promised Smokey I would cremate and bring him home with his brother...sadly, it didn't go that way. Savings was short, which I didn't know until too late when trying to pay for the CBC and such for Smokey. The female doctor made me feel like it was my fault for Smokey's issues due to him eating dry food. I was crushed. The head owner came in and after many phone calls, I found help to get Smokey to Rainbow Bridge. If I didn't pay, they would take him from me...I couldn't...not after almost 10 years. The head owner told me he was on a path to a pancreatic attack, just like Momo...so I was devastated even more. I asked what happens when an animal is left after passing, what I was told gave me horrible images. So for the first time in my life, I buried my baby. I am so upset still...I couldn't keep my promise...all I was able to keep of it at all, was that he wasn't alone, and placed the ashes of his brother and my other fur babies with him. He was gently wrapped in one of his favorite blankets with the ashes and toys in his arms and beside him. Covered and right now I am trying to raise funds for a proper setup for him and the others.

Its been 2 days and the painful cries come in waves...at times I feel somewhat normal, sometimes I feel like nothing has changed, times where its unreal and then eventually it hits me and I break. I worked a lot when I lost my first 2 boys, now, I am a stay at home Mom and with no work...I am struggling so hard to process the days as they go by. I feel like I don't know how to grieve, how to do anything and I am scared doing anything like reading, gaming, walking etc its as if its disregarding his passing. I'm just so lost in how to handle other than visiting every morning before breakfast and throughout the day, to talk to him, and miss him..

Below is my baby boy and one of him and Momo of whom I shared a few years back.. if anyone has any advice etc...please share as I am so lost in how to handle his passing.
View attachment 384855View attachment 384856View attachment 384857
Your babies were so beautiful. I have had to say goodbye, temporarily because I believe we will meet again, many, many times. One thing I do know is that when anyone is incurably ill, and passes, they are free from all suffering and in a much, much better place. Whatever each of our personal belief systems may be, they are either in the most beautiful and wonderful place surrounded by Perfect Love, as I believe, or at very least, they are at rest, far from this very, very troubled world and the problems having a physical body bring. So we grieve our own pain at missing them, but we do not need to grieve for them, for they are NOT in any kind of bad place or state. That is guaranteed.
You may want to join a "pet" loss group. Some people do and it helps some people. This is not part of my needs or beliefs, but I suggest it as a possible choice if you are having a very difficult time and just need to talk and share with others.
Many, many people are in tough places now and have been for a long time -- many, for far longer than just the pandemic time. I do not have answers for the problems so many are facing -- except to say that if you are spiritual, PRAY. With your whole heart and mind and soul. And then leave it there. If you are not, again, know that your loved ones are not in any way, shape, or form in any kind of bad place. Do the best you can, taking it day by day. In time, you may find comfort in precious memories, photos and videos if you have them, and the pain of your loss will never go away, but it will take a different and more bearable form in time. You may, as I do and as many of us do, cry long after the passing. There is no one kind of grief. And there is no "correct" way to grieve. Feel your feelings. Don't ever let anyone make you feel badly about grieving your losses. And do not let anyone guilt-trip you because you did the very best you could for your loved ones. Most of us are far from wealthy. We try to do all we can for our loved ones. As long as we love and protect them and give them the very best care we can, no one else should make us feel badly.
One more thing. My beliefs, based upon my studies, are that the soul is eternal. The body is our earthly and temporary home for our spirit. And when our spirits ascend, they are everlasting. They watch over us and we WILL reunite with them when we, too, ascend. I talk with my loved ones, feline, human and other, frequently, in my Prayers and in my heart. It is a good thing to do. I hope you will always do that, too.
 

silent meowlook

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Hi.
I am so sorry for your loss.
The pictures of your cats show some very happy healthy looking cats that were well cared for.
There is most likely nothing I can say to help you feel better. I am sure you all ready know that the love and care you give them when they are alive is the most important thing you can do. They don't need the body after death and it is only an empty shell. Probably doesn't help as I am sure you know that.
I can tell you a personal experience I have. I don't know if it will help or not. But I haven't ever written or spoke of this.

I had a horse. A beautiful andalusion thourobred cross that I loved more than life itself. When she was 26 she suffered a severe injury and then another and the combo of injuries couldn't be repaired. I was devistated. She had been ill for years but it was manageable, and I could keep her happy enough. It was very expensive, but I found ways to get the money and did the best I could with her.

Putting a horse to sleep is not as peaceful as it is a cat. It is horrible and something that will stick with you forever, They weigh 1,000lbs, so a ton and when they "drop" you can't be near them because you could get hurt. So you just watch this horror show. And they don't die easy.

OK so after all that, my world ending, I was basically in shock and just going through the numb motions of living. I had to talk to the person that picks up the body. Also extreemly disturbing. I was so broke financially by then, Just basic disposal is $300.00 and private cremation is in the thousands. Burial more than that. I went with the basic disposal because i just didn't have the money and i didn't have the time to figure anythign out or to research anything. Also I was numb and dead inside myself. I found out later what is actually done with the bodies and I am sick about it. It took a year before I could even drive through the same city where the place was based out of. It took a year before I actually could start to realize it was all real. It has taken 18 months before I can think of her without a complete melt down. I still feel sick to my stomach but I can keep it fairly well hidden now. I hope one day I will be able to look at pictures of her again but I still can't.

I am telling you this because there is hope for you. You don't get over this loss or the feelings you are having related to the end. But you will learn how to live and exist with this pain. You will be maybe not great, but you will be okay. Even though it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. Just get through one day and then the other and continue.

I know this is long. I am so sorry for your pain. You do have to allow yourself time to grieve and know that your feelings are valid and there would be somethign wrong if you didn't feel the way you do.
 

Whenallhellbreakslose

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So sorry for the loss of Smokey and the upsetting experience you had at the vet. Know in your heart that Smokey and even his older brother Momo knew they were loved and even though you couldn't keep your promise to Smokey, you gave him a proper buriel in your backyard.

I have had quite a number of cats either pass away or be put down. I also take care of outdoor kitties and seen some heartbreaking things taking care of them. Years ago, I came back home for the weekend to spend some time with my kitty who was getting closer to the time. Not too long after I arrived my kitty was going down hill fast. I called the Vet and made an appt for early next morning. After staying up half the night nursing my sick kitty (she finally dosed off), so I decided to get a little shut eye. I asked my mother if she hears anything alarming call me right away. Well no sooner than 10 minutes, there was a burst of wind tapping my window (it wasn't windy that night). And I just knew in my heart that my kitty passed. I ran downstairs and met my mother who said that my kitty let out some noises and passed away. I felt very sad, but peace that she wasn't suffering anymore. Smoky isn't suffering anymore he is at peace now.

Shame in that vet for guilt tripping you while you were heartbroken over having to have your beloved Kitty down. She needs a crash course in compassion to say the least.

Your kitties were very beautiful. I hope you start to feel better and not beat yourself over not keeping your promise. Things don't always go as planned. I wanted to have my kitty put down in the vets office, but she didn't make it through the night. I had to learn to accept the way things went. We can only do our best and I am sure you did your best. So please don't continue to beat yourself over what happened. Stay strong. There are others here who have been through heartbreaking situations --you are not alone. Hang in there.🙂
 
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Riccana

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Thank you all...your stories are so full of emotion...I still haven't forgotten any of my fur babies....though Smokey is going to take time...I have to make sure Artemis and Cloud are alright. Im sure if Smokey was able to talk, he would want them loved and comforted, not forgotten in the midst of my mourning. When Smokey left...it felt like what little I had of Momo left too...its just a lot to process. I intend to visit daily, as many times as I need. To talk, maybe even sit out there and chat a while. Just anything to feel close to him. I have always been a firm believer that after a human or fur baby passes, they are still with us even as we sleep. I have had times where I truly felt soft paws on my bed but nothing there. I never doubt the beyond. The words of comfort here have been so helpful...thank you so much..❤
 

Mia6

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I am so very sorry about Smokey. He was a lovely, beautiful guy. He is now at the Bridge with Momo and our other babies. You have to grieve, no way around it but maybe take a walk, watch a funny movie, prepare a meal to take your mind off Smokey if only for a bit.
It does get better but will take time.

RIP, sweet Smokie

Love,
Mia💖 :hugs: :rbheart:
 

di and bob

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It takes as long as it takes to mourn the loss of a little one, some a year, many years for others. Each passing year DOES bring a little lessening of the pain, the human soul just can't take such grueling pain forever. My advice is to keep busy, yes there is a distinct loss of interest in things you used to love, but to dwell on what happened just brings more pain and misery. Do things that make you feel better about yourself, give cat food, supplies, etc. to your local shelter, and do it in Smokey's name.....
dso not harbour feelings of guilt about what you fed him, or how you cared for him. I have had cats on hard food for over 50 years and all lived long healthy lives. Just make sure they have access to lots of fresh water. If it killed cats there would be such a cry about it it would be taken off the market, there are grain-free varieties now and all different good brands. It is just what you believe in, do research and see which is the best. Water can kill if too much is given. Some smoke for 60 years and live to be a hundred. so not everything is cut and dried.
As for the burial, being buried is a tradition for thousands of years. His little body is at peace because he had your love, the most important thing in having a cat. His soul is gone, the body is just a husk that housed it, the 'essence' of that sweet boy will forever parallel your own, just as the others who have passed before him. Love is spiritual, not physical, so eternal.
Know we are here to help you in any way we can, we have stood in your shoes. Time is the only thing that really helps with this, that and allowing another love to enter your heart. Never replacing, because that can never be, but adding on to his sweet love, residing beside it and allowing it to grow even stronger.
just pace yourself, live your life like you would want for him if you were the first to go. You know that is what he wants because that is love.
You are both in my thoughts and prayers, be kind to yourself.....RIP sweet Smokey. You will be dearly missed, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

betsygee

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Smokey was a beautiful boy. Letting our beautiful babies go is never easy, no matter what the circumstances. My heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you have Artemis and Cloud to help you through this difficult time.

Rest in peace, little Smokey. :rbheart:
 
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Riccana

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Thank you all so much again...tears pouring here for such love and support. Its raining today, Smokey always hid when it did. I am doing my best and I find peace visiting him, right now its raining, and getting worse, storms and rain made him sick...so in a way, I am glad the weather no longer hurts him. I just can't help but worry about him even with the weather still. Maybe old habit. I think I will rest a while. I have cried so much, its starting to hurt.
 

fionasmom

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I am very sorry for your loss. Beautiful babies. There is absolutely nothing disrespectful about burying him. It is a choice which many pet owners make because it seems right to them, to their departed pets, and to the circumstances. The vet had no reason to be unkind to you about any of this.
 
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