I feel so guilty!

ChateauMargot

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My kitty Luella, 15 and a half, was doing fine. Then in September we went in for an annual check up and she had no problems other than anemia. I did not think much of it. The vet told me to try and give her a higher protein food. At the time I declined any further diagnostics, such as trying to see if she had a GI bleed. My general philosophy is inclined to favor less extreme interventions, and palliative care. But a month later, she yelped suddently, and got weak in the back legs. Took her in right away - they checked her blood again and she had gotten even more anemic. They really did not have an explanation for the sudden weakness. (only lasted a minute). They thought maybe blood clots, or maybe a tumor causing sudden pain. They checked for feline leukemia and another condition, negative. (blood tests) Sent her home on steroids (which I could not get her to take other than a couple doses) She had two more such episodes but was normal otherwise. Has never been a good eater and she was definately dropping weight. So I got worried and brought her in for a belly ultrasound and more blood work. Ultrasound did not show anything. But her red blood cells had dropped dangerously low. I was told that unless we did a transfusion (over a thousand dollars), she would die within the week. I debated but decided against it because the doctor said she would likely only improve for 3-4 weeks. They sent her home after a steroid injection and a nausea injection. That was this week. She was in bad shape from the sedation from the ultrasound for about 2 days. She never really got back to normal. She stopped eating entirely and I had to carry her to the litter box. She would kind of snuff at her water bowl. She spent her time lying in my guitar case, her favorite spot. Her eyes were dull and her ears and mouth were white (from anemia). My vet knew that I have a palliative care philosophy so she suggested that euthanasia would be an okay idea. We did home euthanasia 2 days ago. It was beautiful and I spent most of the day petting and cuddling her (except that there were times when I think she just wanted to be alone). I could not asked for a better experience but nonetheless I feel like I gave up on her too soon, and I am in so much pain and miss her so much. My house is empty. I keep calling her name and thinking I see and hear her. I can't stop obsessing about this. I could use some support! I feel like a bad cat Mom!
 

CL56

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I am so sorry for your loss.
Nope, you are not a bad cat mom.
You gave her all of your love and then gave her the greatest gift of all...release.
 

les26

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It is normal for us to feel that we have failed them or missed something or should've done something more or something else, but you did all that you could do and she knows it. And she was telling you, in her own way, that she wasn't good anymore, that she needed to go on to the next life, and you did that for her, the hardest thing that we can do as a pet owner but one of the greatest things that we can do, she is fine now, just fine, you did all that you could have done, as much if not more than most, and you made the right choice not getting that transfusion, she wouldn't have done much better had you done it, and who knows, she might not have survived it. Any way that you look at it it's so so hard, you lost your little friend of over 15 years, a part of you is gone but never forgotten. We all have been there and will be many more time, it hurts like hell, you too at times feel as if you will die and don't half care if you do, but with time and love and support and prayers life slowly comes back to us, she wouldn't want you to be in such pain although it is normal.

Ignatia Amara for the grief, a homeopathic remedy that helped me, helps naturally with the grief and shock and loss.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am sorry for your loss, she is fine now and one day you will be too. I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
 
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ChateauMargot

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It is normal for us to feel that we have failed them or missed something or should've done something more or something else, but you did all that you could do and she knows it. And she was telling you, in her own way, that she wasn't good anymore, that she needed to go on to the next life, and you did that for her, the hardest thing that we can do as a pet owner but one of the greatest things that we can do, she is fine now, just fine, you did all that you could have done, as much if not more than most, and you made the right choice not getting that transfusion, she wouldn't have done much better had you done it, and who knows, she might not have survived it. Any way that you look at it it's so so hard, you lost your little friend of over 15 years, a part of you is gone but never forgotten. We all have been there and will be many more time, it hurts like hell, you too at times feel as if you will die and don't half care if you do, but with time and love and support and prayers life slowly comes back to us, she wouldn't want you to be in such pain although it is normal.

Ignatia Amara for the grief, a homeopathic remedy that helped me, helps naturally with the grief and shock and loss.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

I am sorry for your loss, she is fine now and one day you will be too. I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.....:alright: :grouphug2: :rbheart:
I so appreciate your reply. I pray for release from this grief gripping me! I will try the homeopathic remedy you suggest!
 

les26

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I so appreciate your reply. I pray for release from this grief gripping me! I will try the homeopathic remedy you suggest!
Google it and you will learn about it. It is taken under the tongue at least 1/2 hour before or after eating or drinking, and don't touch the pills, pour them into the cap and just put them under your tongue and let them dissolve. Take them as directed on the bottle, not more, more is not better. It really helps with the grief and intense pain from loss, and has no side effects, it works with your body.
 

Mamanyt1953

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Rest you gentle, Luella, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

No, you are not a bad cat mom. You gave her love, devotion, and a happy home filled with joy for fifteen and a half years. It sounds so short a time, but...in her years, it was more like seventy-five years of full living. I believe, to the depths of my soul, that you did everything just right. I believe, to the depths of my soul, that there was nothing more you could have done that would have given her more quality time. She was a wonderful old lady, but...she was an old lady. To torment her with procedures that would have taken time to recover from only to gain a little more time would have been cruel. Had she been two years old, it may well have been worth it. But she was not. You gave her everything that non-invasive medicine could, and then you blessed her with a gentle passing at home with those she loved most holding her. And I will tell you this, from her new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Luella, too, blesses you in return. She sends her love, now translated and purified into Love back to comfort you, where it will remain until it leads you to her in the fullness of time. Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.
 

di and bob

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You stopped the suffering and a life that was just enduring, not really living. Cats know when the end is near, she was trying to warn you, to prepare for what she knew was coming. if there is no permanent cure, just a delaying of the inevitable, it is the kindest, the most loving thing to do, to end the pain.
You gave her a full, loving life. Fifteen and a half years is a long, normal life span for a cat, they become seniors at ten. The bond you built with that girl is a strong one, the bond of love is spiritual, so eternal. She will forever be tied to your soul, as close as your thoughts and prayers.
The guilt you feel is a natural part of grief. None of us are perfect and we all try to find answers and meaning after making such a soul-shattering decision. No matter what you finally decide on, there will be more waiting to hurt. You have to have intent to have guilt, your only intent was to make the pain go away, to love and comfort her. Please try not to dwell on her end, it is not what she intended, just as you would want for her if you were the first to go, so she wants for you. To go forward into life, seeking its happiness and all it has to offer. Do not make her death more important than her life. That can never be, she was in your life for a reason, and that life meant the world to both of you. To experience what you both have is a treasure, try to cherish your wonderful memories and let them eventually bring comfort instead of pain.
You cannot change the past. To think of all those should haves, could haves, brings nothing but pain to an already hurting heart. It is a part of grief though and there is no way to avoid it. Sometimes it comes down to just getting through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. Time is the only thing that helps to dull the sharp edges of grief. For some, accepting the loss of a loved one comes finally with the realization that they live on through you now. Their love will always be with you and be added on to over the coming years. Never replaced, because that can never be, but expanded and allowed to be side by side with new love. There is room for all in a loving heart. Love is not meant to bring sadness and tears, and life cannot continue in perpetual grief. That is not the way living is meant to be. Joy in living will always prevail, and that is what we all want for those we leave behind. No matter how long it takes. To be remembered and mourned is a wonderful tribute for those we love, one day you will not cry because she has gone, you will smile because she was there......
My heart goes out to you, you are not alone in your grief. You will find strength in your love to get through this, and although you will never get over the pain of a broken heart, you will learn to endure and make a new life's order for yourself. She is a part of you, and you are a part of her. The path she now follows will forever parallel your own, tied together by the chain of love.........RIP sweet Luella. you will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!
 

daftcat75

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The ifs and shoulds will haunt you for some time. Know this. None of it matters anymore. Speculation and regret won't change a thing, won't give you another minute with her. You were just given the best piece of advice. Don't make her death more important than her life. You've told us about Luella's passing. When you're ready, please share pictures and tell us about her life. The pain will linger for some time. But it will fade. The love and joy you shared with her is yours to keep, always.
 
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