I feel like a failure

SadCatOwner32

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
May 12, 2022
Messages
12
Purraise
28
Well, my cat is gone. My cat was born in May of 2006 and I got him in August. He was the last kitten left and he meowed at me so much in the room that I couldn't concentrate on anyone else. I took him out to the little room and he ran around like a crazy cat. He was very talkative and I thought it was because he wanted to come home with me. Later on I learned he just liked to talk. He also was trying to bust out of the carrier. Later I would learn he doesn't like to be constrained.

But I got him home and he stayed under the bed for most of the next two weeks, but after a while he became my buddy.

He was with me for my entire tenure where I work, he was with me with an abusive boss, he was with me with both my parents deaths, and even covid.

But last May he started having obvious problems. Unable to walk, watery eyes. He was throwing up but it didn't seem that much. By October it was 8+ times a month. I was gong to cure him but by January he was still doing it. So I went to the vet and he had a number of possible things that could be causing it and probably would kill him. Chronic Renal Failure, Hyperthyroid, etc... but nothing I could hang my hat on and say *ahh we can treat this** but it kept getting worse and worse and finally on Tuesday he threw up horribly and looked like he was going to go number two -- like it was coming out of both sides.

I said, enough. I had read on a site once that when your cat has chronic throwing up the expected life is only two years...

It didn't go as easy as I thought it would though, he struggled getting the sedation and I had to hold him down, then in just a few minutes he fell over. I had to leave - he is just not the type that it would have made a difference for me to stay -- but then the vet came and got me and told me he was at peace. Even now I don't really feel it but I have sproratic crying fits. I feel like I have lost an arm.. I keep listening for him, I keep the TV volume down because he didn't like it too loud.

I just wish I didn't have to do it.. I just wish -- I feel like a failure like maybe I shouldn't have anymore pets.
 

epona

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 24, 2006
Messages
4,593
Purraise
760
Location
London, England
It does sound as though your cat was really very ill (sometimes things don't show up on tests, but clearly something was very wrong and she was suffering) and you definitely did the kindest thing for her welfare.

Much love to you. It isn't an easy thing to do and nor should it be. We have to shoulder the burden of that last responsibility to our animal friends, and it does hurt us so much. But please don't ever doubt that you did the right and most loving thing you could do for her - you were her best friend right through and acted in her best interests.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #4

SadCatOwner32

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
May 12, 2022
Messages
12
Purraise
28
While cleaning my house later I did ponder about how ... looking back, I was living in denial. My couches have tape on them so he wouldn't scratch on them, but he hasn't done that in a long while. In fact his scratching post is untouched. Truely today I probably didn't notice he wasn't here because, prior to today, he slept all day. Only getting up for food at 12 PM and 6 PM. He used to sleep upstairs but in the last two years he slept next to me, on the first floor, probably because it was tough to get upstairs wanted to be close to the litter box. I got the receipt for the procedure and he weighed in at 13 lbs... that is three lbs lower than he was a year ago. And a few oz lower than February vet visit.

I realize it was so difficult because it has been 16 years with him. That is a LONG time. Always there to greet me, always someone I had to worry about getting back to. The pandemic didn't help things as I got to be with him for two years. Though I am thrilled about that, the truth is about 1 year ago things were going down hill and I probably went too long because I was available to take him to the vet if I had to.

I feel honestly physically sick today, not sure if I am tired from the wrestling him this morning and having to walk around outside for 30 minutes... I also been a total space head. I am losing my phone, making mistakes at work... I hope a good night sleep will help. Considering cancelling my vacation on the week of the 23rd. I need the distraction.
 

fionasmom

Moderator
Staff Member
Moderator
Joined
Jun 21, 2014
Messages
7,395
Purraise
10,186
Location
Los Angeles
Anyone who gave a cat a wonderful life for 16 years is not a failure. Sometimes as an animal ages, conditions arise which do not necessarily seem dreadful, but together they add up to a loss of quality of life. Many cats in old age suffer from kidney disease; it does not reverse itself but runs its course. The symptoms you are describing, to me, suggest end stage kidney disease and failure, none of which were under your control. You did the kindest thing you could for him to release him peacefully.

Many animals experience a seeming burst of energy at the vet's even as the end approaches. It might be just the distraction of a different environment, the irritation of being handled and disturbed, or adrenaline. It is much more common than you think and does not mean that the pet was returning to a better state of health.
 

FeebysOwner

TCS Member
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jun 13, 2018
Messages
16,050
Purraise
21,508
Location
Central FL (Born in OH)
Hindsight is a wonderful thing - for applying what one has learned to the future. It is a terrible thing - for applying any of it to the past - of which you have no control.

Having a cat live to 16 is testimony to the care you gave your cat - and there are just some things that cannot be prevented or avoided.

When you are ready, please share your cat's name and some pics of him to honor him and pay everlasting tribute to his life here on this site. Bless you. :hearthrob::redheartpump::hugs:
 

Mamanyt1953

Rules my home with an iron paw
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Oct 16, 2015
Messages
28,032
Purraise
54,635
Location
North Carolina
Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Sixteen years together is a testament to the love that you shared. And now you have performed the greatest act of love we have to face as cat guardians...you helped your boy take that first step at the Gate between This Adventure and his Next Great Adventure, sending your love to light his path. Now, from his new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, he sends his own love, translated and purified into Love, to walk with you down through all your days. And he whispers to Those Who Watch, "That's my human! One of the good ones!"

Cats are masters at hiding illnesses, and you have learned so much on what to look for. It would be a shame never to put that knowledge to use, you know. I hope that, once you have gotten through this first raw, tearing grief, you will consider honoring your love for this cat by giving a home to another who so sorely needs it.
 

Kat0121

Advisor
Staff Member
Advisor
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
14,146
Purraise
17,701
Location
Sunny Florida
Well, my cat is gone. My cat was born in May of 2006 and I got him in August. He was the last kitten left and he meowed at me so much in the room that I couldn't concentrate on anyone else. I took him out to the little room and he ran around like a crazy cat. He was very talkative and I thought it was because he wanted to come home with me. Later on I learned he just liked to talk. He also was trying to bust out of the carrier. Later I would learn he doesn't like to be constrained.

But I got him home and he stayed under the bed for most of the next two weeks, but after a while he became my buddy.

He was with me for my entire tenure where I work, he was with me with an abusive boss, he was with me with both my parents deaths, and even covid.

But last May he started having obvious problems. Unable to walk, watery eyes. He was throwing up but it didn't seem that much. By October it was 8+ times a month. I was gong to cure him but by January he was still doing it. So I went to the vet and he had a number of possible things that could be causing it and probably would kill him. Chronic Renal Failure, Hyperthyroid, etc... but nothing I could hang my hat on and say *ahh we can treat this** but it kept getting worse and worse and finally on Tuesday he threw up horribly and looked like he was going to go number two -- like it was coming out of both sides.

I said, enough. I had read on a site once that when your cat has chronic throwing up the expected life is only two years...

It didn't go as easy as I thought it would though, he struggled getting the sedation and I had to hold him down, then in just a few minutes he fell over. I had to leave - he is just not the type that it would have made a difference for me to stay -- but then the vet came and got me and told me he was at peace. Even now I don't really feel it but I have sproratic crying fits. I feel like I have lost an arm.. I keep listening for him, I keep the TV volume down because he didn't like it too loud.

I just wish I didn't have to do it.. I just wish -- I feel like a failure like maybe I shouldn't have anymore pets.
Please stop doing this to yourself. You are not a failure. Not even a little bit. You did everything you could to try to help him. His passing is not your fault. If love could have saved him, he'd live forever. He lives on in your heart and your memories. Hold onto all the memories of the love and friendship you shared because these things are eternal. You will be reunited with him when the time is right and your friendship will pick up again like no time has passed. Please know that he does not and never will blame you for his passing. He loves you. You are his best friend and you always will be.

Most of us have experienced what you are going through and we are here for you.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
14,780
Purraise
19,073
Location
Nebraska, USA
Most of us here at this site are here because we know how hard it is to get through losing someone we love. How alone we felt, how utterly broken. We can empathize with how you feel, and I can guarantee you, we all felt like failures, that somehow we failed somewhere. 16 years is a very long time to share your life, and your love, with someone. For a cat, it IS a lifetime. Most cats come to the end of their lives around that age, those living longer are equivalent to a human living to a hundred, it is rare.
I thank God when I can end suffering. Though it always follows with guilt and feelings of failure. You are definitely not alone.
I also thank God I have shared a love so great that I miss them so much. It means that love is special, and is truly a part of my life. Love is spiritual, so eternal. That sweet boy will always be a part of your soul. He will forever be as close as your thoughts and prayers. Try not to dwell on his end, but rather celebrate the years you shared and the wonderful love that came with it. He lives on through you now, so offer him more love, by sharing what he taught you with another little love. His spot is secure, any new love will reside right beside it, helping it to grow even bigger, even stronger. You are the perfect one to give your heart to another little one, it is his legacy he left you. It brings honor to his name for you to love once again because of what you shared with him. Never be afraid to accept more love into your soul. Its capacity to love is endless.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Only time will help with the pain. Try to keep busy and distract yourself from your pain. It will always be there, but time brings a dulling to its sharp edges and you will find ways to manage it. You never get over a broken heart, you get through it. One day at a time.......RIP precious boy.You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keepm you, until you meet again!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #11

SadCatOwner32

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
May 12, 2022
Messages
12
Purraise
28
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Only time will help with the pain. Try to keep busy and distract yourself from your pain. It will always be there, but time brings a dulling to its sharp edges and you will find ways to manage it. You never get over a broken heart, you get through it. One day at a time.......RIP precious boy.You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keepm you, until you meet again!
Thank you all... the words do help. I ended up having a difficult night sleep and I tend to have phantom "hearing" -- thinking I hear him walking around (on the hardwoods) or coming down the stairs after waking up looking for him and realizing I am not going to see him.

Right now it is difficult. {{}}
 

Kat0121

Advisor
Staff Member
Advisor
Joined
Feb 23, 2014
Messages
14,146
Purraise
17,701
Location
Sunny Florida
I believe to the depths of my being that they do visit us...that Love I spoke of. Perhaps, just perhaps, he wants you to know that he is doing fine.
I 100% agree with this. I have no doubt that he stopped by to check on you and let you know that he is watching over you and will love you forever. I follow a hospice nurse on Instagram. Her name is It'snursepenny and she talks about people who, in the last days of their lives, are seen "petting" something and talking softly to whatever it is they are petting that only they can see. She's witnessed this countless times as have other hospice nurses who comment on her posts. I 100% believe that their beloved pets came back to help their best friends transition to the other side.

Do they do that before it's our time to go? I think that they do. Animals, especially cats are incredibly intuitive and know when we are in distress. Your boy wanted to give you some reassurance that he's OK. He wants you to be too. :hugs:
 

Maria Bayote

Mama of 4 Cats, 4 Dogs , 2 Budgies & 2 Humans
Top Cat
Joined
Jan 15, 2018
Messages
3,748
Purraise
10,733
Don't beat yourself too hard. What is clear to us is that you gave your cat a very long, happy and loved life. He wouldn't want you to dwell on any guilt or sadness.

Hang in there. It may take a while but sadness will soon pass and one day you will have to remember him with more of a smile than of tears.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #15

SadCatOwner32

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
May 12, 2022
Messages
12
Purraise
28
I have been cleaning out my house and this has been helpful. I had SOOO MUCH for my cat. There can be no doubt I tried everything I could. I donated just some of the food... it filled up the entire "shed" at my local shelter. And I still have food left. Today I cleaned out medications and supplements and it was a BIG BAG.

Then there are the carriers, beds, scratching posts, elizabethan collars, brushes... pop up houses... asthma materials... toys... catnip... stairs to help him get to the couch...gate... litter.... litter boxes.... clippers.. feliway... brushing gloves...

I am keeping some things that might be good for another cat but anything that I think I would like to buy new for another cat I am getting rid of.

It is a comfort to see this... no one can guilt me looking at the hard evidence of how much work I put in.

Her name is It'snursepenny and she talks about people who, in the last days of their lives, are seen "petting" something and talking softly to whatever it is they are petting that only they can see. She's witnessed this countless times as have other hospice nurses who comment on her posts. I 100% believe that their beloved pets came back to help their best friends transition to the other side.
Well, I think mine is probably mad at me right now.. but I think Netflix had a documentary that suggested this when someone is close to death. I have had a cat for probably 35 years without much of a break... so I think it is hard not to have phantom sounds. This morning I had my windows open and something sounded like a cat throwing up and I found myself waking thinking my cat was throwing up... even realizing it wasn't that.. whatever the noise was sounded that way.
 

aurorabee

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Jun 6, 2020
Messages
33
Purraise
78
I am so sorry for your loss. The grief is just awful.
I can relate to the pain because my sweet one also passed without a firm diagnosis so then your mind is just left to run wild.

It's so hard when you rear them as kittens, isn't it? You see them as forever kittens, not the 80-year-old that they have become.
I felt like a failure too. I try to "CBT" some of my thoughts to keep things in check. For example, in the all the years before the loss, the vet probably recommended things and it worked out and I wouldn't have even thought to seek a second opinion.

C.S. Lewis said that the death of a beloved was like an "amputation".

Wishing you peace.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #17

SadCatOwner32

TCS Member
Thread starter
Kitten
Joined
May 12, 2022
Messages
12
Purraise
28
I am so sorry for your loss. The grief is just awful.
I can relate to the pain because my sweet one also passed without a firm diagnosis so then your mind is just left to run wild.
Thank you. Yes. My mind is running wild. It was for sure he was chronic sick, but did I have 4 years left with him? Would the next vet visit have cured the issue?

I did find a video from Lap of Love which did ease some of the pain. It did talk about the symptoms and signs your pet is in pain - it also discussed the "rollercoaster" before the end. Basically that like one day he will have a crisis and then the next four he will be fine. I felt that here. The entire pandemic was like that. It is just hard to remember in the fog of dealing with a sick cat.

Yesterday though I got home from work and expected him to be coming down the stairs when I came in.
 

Anne2021

TCS Member
Young Cat
Joined
Nov 15, 2021
Messages
99
Purraise
56
I am so sorry for your loss. I don't know what to say. I recently saw the video in the link I am sharing, and I have never seen anything so respectful and profound dealing with the matter of losing someone so close who didn't happen to be human. (It's not so much about the two short lists he shares. It's the understanding and acknowledgment, especially toward the end of the video). I wish I knew what to say. I empathize with you and mourn the loss of your dear friend.

 
Last edited:
Top