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I Feel Dead After Putting My Cat Down

Discussion in 'Crossing the Bridge' started by Leomc123, Jan 11, 2019.

  1. Leomc123

    Leomc123 Thread Starter TCS Member Young Cat

    Oct 1, 2018
    Hi put my cat down almost a week ago, this last week i had been at work, getting up in the morning is hard, i look at a few photos of him, and feed my other cat, then i drive to work like a zombie, then at work i am so exhausted. At work i pretend to be happy, i cried infront of my boss on the first day at work, but it feels like everyone was laughing at me, because i cried for my cat. I come home and i sit in the backyard like a zombie feeling guilty that i put my cat down and that he is dead, because of me. I made the choice to put him down.

    Emotionally its like i am dead, when i am patting my other cat, i feel sad, the kind of sadness that i am not crying anymore, just like heavy chested and empty. And i guess i feel detached like i fear of getting close to my other cat cause i know soon she will pass away as she is older she is 17 years old. And i feel worse doing that, i dont sit with her as much like i did with my other cat , and she mostly likes to sleep as she is old. And at times i feel like what i am doing with her is wrong, like i am bothering her if i want to pat her or maybe i am giving her the wrong food. I dunno i just feel dead, no emotion anymore, she is a beautiful cat, very gentle, caring and fragile. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Like im empty etc.

    Has anyone felt likes this ?
    Maria Bayote purraised this.

  2. les26

    les26 Sylvester's daddy Super Cat

    Nov 19, 2015
    Emmaus, Pennsylvania
    First off I am so sorry for your loss, you loved your cat(s) so much that is why it is so hard for you right now, it is always so hard to have to "play God" and put them down, you (we) feel like we killed them but we actually helped them out of their misery and spared them more pain. My father in law was sick and just died 2 weeks ago from cancer, and as he was just lying in his hospice bed I thought about how if this was an animal we would be able to put him out of his misery so he wouldn't suffer. We can't do that with humans but we do with animals, but it is such a hard decision to make but if it was his time and he was sick and your vet thought it was right to do it you made the best albeit toughest choice and it will hurt and the grief will play mind games and physical games with you for awhile, that is very normal. I have found taking some Holy Basil helps as it helps you deal with the stress with a clear head and is not a drug but an herb, also L-Tryptophan helps mood and can relax you and both are natural remedies.

    I am so sorry that this happened to you, it will ease some with time but right now hurts like hell I know. Pay attention to your other cat as she is grieving too, and with time the sun will come out again.

    "Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven" :rbheart:

    I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless......:alright: :grouphug: :rbheart:
    mrsgreenjeens, ans5181 and di and bob purraised this.

  3. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    Yes, many of us, and I, have felt exactly like you are feeling right now. There were many times, in the early stages of grief, that thoughts of anything that were enjoyable in the past seem like a distant memory and lost forever. You are experiencing depression that comes from grief. It is not something that will go away anytime soon, in fact you learn how to manage it and live with it. The only good that comes from it is that you set new priorities in your life, ones that give your life more meaning, ones that become a part of your emotional well being, that mean something to your soul. But it all takes time, and lots of it.
    I still feel a pang in my heart when I think of my little one, 6 years later. I was a wreck. I could hardly function, and in fact didn't want to. Don't ever be embarrassed to show emotion, the fact that you cried in front of your boss shows that you are a loving, caring person who lost someone you loved.That can never be bad. I cried more times than i want to admit at work, I cried more and harder than with any human death because she was an innocent and my soul was joined with her own through the love we shared. Yes, there will be some out there who have never known that kind of love, but if they can't share grief with someone they are associated with, they are not the kind of people I want to associate with anyway. They are to be pitied to have never known that kind of companionship and love.
    The bond you built link by link with that precious boy will always be with you, nothing can break it, it is something that will be a part of you for the rest of your life. "Death cannot take that which never dies", and the love you have for each other never will.
    You have been through one of the most traumatic events you will ever have to go through, choosing the time to end the life of someone you love. Grief brings all those should haves, could haves, but you have to rely on the experience and the knowledge of the vet who advised you, and know what you did you did out of love and to end unending pain and suffering that was going to get nothing but worse. There does come a time when life becomes an existence, no longer full of joy and a future to look forward to, nothing left but misery and fear. You have to have intent of harm to have guilt. And I know you would never intend to bring harm to that precious boy. What you did you did out of love. Remember that boy as he was, and use those memories to bring yourself comfort. The joy he got out of life, the joy he got out of loving you and sharing the wonderful home you provided for him. He had you and that is all he ever wanted. Think what you would be missing if you had never known him at all. And although the pain is great, what he gave to you soul is so much greater.
    Love is spiritual, so eternal. He will always be as near as your thoughts and prayers. He lives on through you now, so send him thoughts of happiness and joy, of thankfulness for sharing your life's journey with him for a little while. He wants for you to go on now and live life, to let him experience the joy of life through you, to let it bloom and grow. Not be hidden in a heart full of darkness and tears.How do I know this? Because it is exactly what i would want for the one i love if I was the first to go, and your boy wants no less because that is what love truly is.
    I have found it brings me comfort to comfort others who are feeling so much pain. You might give a small donation of money or food to your local shelter in your boy's name. It makes you feel a little better about yourself to help others in need. And love that sweet girl you have left. She is grieving too in her own way, and she knows you are upset. Talk to her, let her know you are near for her if she needs you. None of us are guaranteed a tomorrow and she is old and needs consistency and love in her geriatric years. For her sake and your own, just be together let her know she is loved. She can be a welcome distraction to your own grief if you concentrate. I know I even felt an anger towards my little ones who were left. That they were left and my little girl was gone. But if you let the ones left behind distract you in day to day care, and watch how they find happiness in each and every day they are given, how they take one day at a time and live it to the fullest, it helps to get us back into the world as it should be, not as it is for you right now.
    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I've stood in your shoes and wouldn't wish it on anyone. You are very early in your grief, and the world seems like it had gone on without you right now. But with the help of those who understand what you are going through, and letting us share the burden of grief that is weighing you down, time will bring on it's healing. Time is the only thing that truly helps to distance you from the pain. Time will help you realize that your sweet boy is still in your life, because he will always be a part of your soul. A love like that will never die, and anything you did out of love and concern can never be wrong. Ask him to help you and he will answer.
    RIP precious boy. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you until you meet again!
    mrsgreenjeens, ans5181, les26 and 1 other person purraised this.

  4. Mamanyt1953

    Mamanyt1953 Rules my home with an iron paw Staff Member Forum Helper

    Oct 16, 2015
    Havelock, North Carolina
    Rest you gentle, Sweet Friend, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

    What you are feeling, or not feeling, is so natural. It is actually recognized as a part of the grieving process. I think it is nature's way of protecting us for the first little while after a loss. And of COURSE you fear for your other cat. She's a Grand Old Lady, and her time will come far sooner than you can cope with thinking about just now. This, too, is natural. We grieve, and fear more grief to come. But grief is the price that we pay for love, giving it and having it, and although it is a heavy price, it is never "too much" to pay for what we got in return.

    Love never dies, you know, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides, and your Sweet Girl is with you still, now and always. Love abides.

  5. ans5181

    ans5181 TCS Member Adult Cat

    Oct 22, 2018
    Tallahassee, Florida
    Simply put, yes, I have felt that way too. Guilty and sad as hell. When I unexpectedly had to put my cat to sleep a few years back, I couldn't even stay at my house for the first few days because it felt so empty without him in it. I blamed myself because I didn't know he was ill until it was too late, but in hindsight there were signs. He covered them well. That haunted me for such a long time and yeah, it sucks. It does get better with time. I also had a senior kitty and felt similarly about him after Timmy had to be put to sleep, I felt like I was waiting for him to die or something. Ironically, on October 1 of 2018 I had to put him to sleep at 17. I don't know if this helps you at all, but I can honestly say it wasn't as hard as Timmy. It hurt, don't get me wrong, Lucy was my first baby as an adult and has been through so much with me, but when the time came at the end and he was old and unwell, it was sad in a different way to let him go. I felt more at peace with it, knowing his life had been full and long. I say all that to say, don't be afraid to love your senior. I know what you're going through, and she will help you get through it. You gave your kitty a wonderful final gift, you did not kill him. He suffers no more. I'm so sorry for your loss, I am sending you peace and comfort.
    les26 and mrsgreenjeens purraised this.

  6. Maria Bayote

    Maria Bayote TCS Member Adult Cat

    Jan 15, 2018
    It is ok to grieve, but do not blame yourself. Imagine your cat now running free and wild and no cares in the world. He is now free from physical pain that he had to endure during his last days. You gave him a good life, a happy life. You loved him, and that is all that matters.

    Try not to close your heart for your other cat who is in her senior years. She needs you now more than ever. Let her remaining years or months be just happy ones, as I am sure you also would like to give her that, only that your grief is stopping you for the time being.

    Hang in there. Be strong especially for your other cat. Sending my prayers and hugs.
    les26 and Kflowers purraised this.

  7. di and bob

    di and bob TCS Member Top Cat

    Dec 12, 2012
    Nebraska, USA
    I pray you are finding your memories bring you comfort, not pain. That sweet boy only wants the best for you, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. He is at peace, and your thoughts and prayers are making it so. He is not gone, he is a part of you and will always be tied to your soul.....
    les26 purraised this.

  8. wt1964

    wt1964 TCS Member Young Cat

    May 2, 2013
    Yes. I'm certain that practically everyone here can relate. I am coming up on two years since I had to let my Lucy go. She was nearly 20 and we were fighting thyroid and kidney disease which were taking their toll. I made the decision to let her go before the horrific suffering began. I was reassured that I made the right decision at the right time, but I am still haunted by the fact that I had to end her life. It chokes me up just typing this.

    Try not to worry about what you perceive your co-workers think. I had a couple of moments where I lost it at my job, and thankfully those around me were compassionate to me. But otherwise, screw what other people think. It's your grief, not theirs.

    I know it's hard, especially knowing you will likely soon have to face it again with your other cat. I wish I could offer you more comfort. As one of the previous members remarked "Try not to close your heart for your other cat who is in her senior years. She needs you now more than ever". I had three cats that all lived to their mid-late teens, and I lost them all within four years of each other. It's hard not to worry over what is inevitable, but you must try for the sake of the kitty you still have.

    I wish you luck and love through your time of heartbreak and heartache. Be strong for your remaining feline, and when you get emotional, excuse yourself from them so as not to rob them of their energy as you grieve. This is the downside to having pets, that we will one day have to let them go.

    We are here with you.
    Last edited: Jan 14, 2019 at 12:38 PM
    les26, kittyluv387 and mazie purraised this.

  9. Furballsmom

    Furballsmom TCS Member Top Cat

    Jan 9, 2018
    Colorado USA
    There are some philosophical thoughts as to why, but losing a cat is, for some people and as mentioned, even more difficult than losing a loved person. Man or woman, makes no difference, it just is.

    You were incredibly courageous in bringing your baby peace.

    Allow yourself to watch your Grand Old Lady sleep. Maybe in a bit of time you will be more comfortable, and will feel safer petting her.

    RIP sweetheart, you are in a place of everlasting sunshine and love.
    les26 and wt1964 purraised this.

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