I don't feel anything after putting my first cat down - is something wrong with me?

[leiasmom22]

My first baby, whom I worked hard to get to trust me, my baby Leia, passed on Monday. Or Tuesday, I've lost track of time and I'm not sure anymore. I'm a little disoriented. I had to make the decision to put her to sleep, which was traumatic for me in itself. She had FIV and FELV, which I had no idea as she was never sick. She was 7 years old and I suspect she had this when I rescued her.

She was getting better and then suddenly took a turn for the worst after 7 days at the vet. She was eating better, her fever was gone, but then suddenly she had a high fever and then her temperature dropped to 34 Celsius and she wouldn't stay warm, they tried blankets and hot water bottles. She also stopped eating and had neurological symptoms - even if it was FIP, her platelet count was at 0 so there was no way she could've fought it. I loved her so very much. I don't know why I can't cry, I feel empty, like my brain is trying to erase what happened and even her existence. I often find myself staring at nothing.

I feel so much guilt and regret. But I can't cry. I feel like an assassin and a monster. This was all very sudden. I don't know what to feel

 

[walli]

Your are not a monster! You took good care of her. She was sick and you did the best thing for her.
You are grieving it doesn't matter if you don't cry, you have been through a lot before she went to sleep.
you may have already went through a lot before hand.
Be kind to yourself, you were kind to her.

 

[leiasmom22]

Your are not a monster! You took good care of her. She was sick and you did the best thing for her.
You are grieving it doesn't matter if you don't cry, you have been through a lot before she went to sleep.
you may have already went through a lot before hand.
Be kind to yourself, you were kind to her.

My soul dog died in 2021, and I didn't react like this... I knew it was coming, he was terminal and it was going to happen but he wasn't put down (and he wants suffering) but I feel like I had to completely shut down my emotions in order to make that decision for Leia.
With my dog I cried for days on end. I was crushed. And I can't feel anything now
Thank you for your comment <3

 

[FeebysOwner]

Sometimes, people subconsciously 'turn off' their emotions when faced with a dire situation, just to help them cope with the associated decisions. Others can go into 'numb' mode just as a natural reaction to what they are going through. The roller coaster you went through with her can also cause what you are (not) feeling.

Everything is such a whirlwind right now, and any 'non-reaction' is actually a reaction of its own. It means nothing more than that. Let the emotions, whatever they may be, come when they do, but don't force yourself to try to erase her from your mind. You loved her and did the best you could for her - sooner or later all that will sink in. While all this transpires, don't fear to feel any particular way and let whatever reactions you are having happen, they will help move you on.

RIP to your little girl, and know that she is no longer suffering because you helped her to move on too - to peace.

 

[Krienze]

We all grieve differently, and we all grieve differently depending on the situation. DON'T feel bad and NO you are not a monster!!! Nor are you an assassin. Making the choice to put an animal down always feels that way to me, too. But I know it's truly an act of love when they are suffering. You did GOOD. And you did what was right for your baby, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

You had to deal with a few different emotional gut punches, it makes sense that you would be "turned off" emotionally right now. You loved your kitty, and you AND your kitty knew that you loved her. So don't for a moment feel bad about how you're grieving right now.

Sending you big hugs across the distance.

 

[rubysmama]

I'm so sorry about Leia. It's never easy losing them, but she was still quite young, plus it happened so suddenly, so it's no wonder it's affecting you this way.

I had to let my Ruby go in May, and though she was older and the circumstances were different, I still had overwhelming guilt and doubts and wondered if I could have done something different. I think these feelings are normal when we love our pets with all our heart, and still can't save them. Try to be kind to yourself. You were a good mom to Leia, right from when you rescued her, to when you made the heartbreaking decision to let her cross the bridge. RIP sweet girl.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Leila, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Your reaction is actually fairly normal. There are as many ways to grieve as there are grieving people. I have noticed that we quite often shut down emotionally after a searing loss. It is our mind protecting us from being overwhelmed. The fact that you feel guilt and regret (and the regret is warranted, but the guilt is not, as you did your best for her) IS grieving.

Your love for Leila comes through in every word you have written. This is the Deepest Truth I know, that love never dies. It is translated and purified into Love, and continues on. Now, from her new home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, Leila realizes how hard you fought for her, she knows all of your hopes and dreams for her, and she sends her Love back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[di and bob]

I agree with the above, your mind has shut down, insulated itself against the grief. For one thing, she seemed to be getting better, then this horrific change. It WAS sudden and traumatic, you had to make quick decisions you never wanted to make. I had to do this after my Chrissy's death or I never would have made it......
You did the best you could with what you had. Rely on what the vets told you, she was suffering and she was inflicted with these horrible, terminal diseases. They tried, all was done that could be. You tried, and you did what was best for her. You had to put your own feelings aside to do what was best for her.....Try to concentrate on the fact that you gave her what she wanted most in this world, happiness, a home, and someone to love her.
Your mind has compartmentalized your pain and sufferring. Sometimes it leaks out over time little by little, and sometimes it may come flooding out. Don't try to overanalize it. Eventually, and it takes a lot of time, your mind will process it and healing will begin. You may be so traumatized it will never come out as overwhelming grief. But in fact it was SO overwhelming your mind chose to wall it off. Don't let it consume you. One day, in the far future, you will begin to be greatful for having that precious girl in your life, will smile when you think of what she brought you. but that takes a long time. For now, just live in the minute, the hour , the day. DO NOT dwell on the past horror, and all those should haves, could haves. The past is set in stone. DO NOT think of the future, no one can predict that or what really happens. just live and concentrate on getting through the day.
She will always be with you, you have the connection of love, spiritual, so eternal. Her new path will forever parallel your own. go forward and live your life as you would want for her to go on if you were the first to go. Not empty and sad, but really living and seeking what life has to offer. she wants no less, because she loves you.
I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. Please know my herat cries for your pain, I have stood in your shoes. May God have mercy on you......RIP precious Leia. You will never be frogotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May teh good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Stormy accepts you]

Honey, numb is part of grief. It’s when things hurt so much that we don’t know what to feel. You are a good human. It’s just too much to feel at once. Right now I keep feeling numb, then sad, then angry, then I’m numb again. It’s natural. You did good. They’re watching over you.

 

[DeesCats]

I am so sorry for your loss of Leia and agree with the others that sometimes we just shut down our emotions trying to deal with the loss.

You are not a horrible cat parent and did what you could for her. Sometimes there isn't enough time, money, prayer or medical expertise that can help our loved ones get better and be in our lives longer.

 

[epona]

This is not an abnormal reaction at all, sometimes you subconsciously shut off the feelings to protect yourself so you can go on functioning. That is a normal reaction to grief and stress.
Often when people lose a loved one, human or other animal, they go through a period of numbness and then may experience sorrow about it days, weeks, months or years in the future - or it may come as a more gradual thing, or not at all in the way you expect.
This is all completely normal.

Sorry for your loss.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

Hugs, I'm so sorry.

I've often found the anticipatory grief is the most intense, and when it's all over, it's either numb or dulled, because there's no more fear involved, if that makes sense. There's no right or wrong way to feel with these things, and no set timeline of when or how you'll react.

 

[Krienze]

I've often found the anticipatory grief is the most intense, and when it's all over, it's either numb or dulled, because there's no more fear involved, if that makes sense.

This. This makes perfect sense, honestly.

I always feel a sense of relief when it's over. Sort of a "it's done" type of feeling and then I sleep for hours while my body catches up emotionally.

Grief is such a strange emotion when you factor in how many different ways it can present. =(

 

[catloverfromwayback]

This. This makes perfect sense, honestly.

I always feel a sense of relief when it's over. Sort of a "it's done" type of feeling and then I sleep for hours while my body catches up emotionally.

Grief is such a strange emotion when you factor in how many different ways it can present. =(

Yes, I react much the same way.

 

[Cat McCannon]

My first baby, whom I worked hard to get to trust me, my baby Leia, passed on Monday. Or Tuesday, I've lost track of time and I'm not sure anymore. I'm a little disoriented. I had to make the decision to put her to sleep, which was traumatic for me in itself. She had FIV and FELV, which I had no idea as she was never sick. She was 7 years old and I suspect she had this when I rescued her.

She was getting better and then suddenly took a turn for the worst after 7 days at the vet. She was eating better, her fever was gone, but then suddenly she had a high fever and then her temperature dropped to 34 Celsius and she wouldn't stay warm, they tried blankets and hot water bottles. She also stopped eating and had neurological symptoms - even if it was FIP, her platelet count was at 0 so there was no way she could've fought it. I loved her so very much. I don't know why I can't cry, I feel empty, like my brain is trying to erase what happened and even her existence. I often find myself staring at nothing.

I feel so much guilt and regret. But I can't cry. I feel like an assassin and a monster. This was all very sudden. I don't know what to feel

The emptiness, depression, guilt, regret, feeling like a monster and a murderer- all of that is normal. When my grandfather died it took six months before I broke down and cried.

When my cat Grendl had to be put down, I wasn’t prepared. I’m afraid I handled it poorly and was overwhelmed by the same emotions you describe. I still get twinges of guilt. I’ve learned from the experience and decided to not repeat my mistakes.

The best way to honor your cat is to keep moving forward while you grieve for your loss. Your cat wouldn’t want you to suffer or be the source of your suffering. Your cat would tell you “Cheer up! You got me to a good place.”

 

[leiasmom22]

The emptiness, depression, guilt, regret, feeling like a monster and a murderer- all of that is normal. When my grandfather died it took six months before I broke down and cried.

When my cat Grendl had to be put down, I wasn’t prepared. I’m afraid I handled it poorly and was overwhelmed by the same emotions you describe. I still get twinges of guilt. I’ve learned from the experience and decided to not repeat my mistakes.

The best way to honor your cat is to keep moving forward while you grieve for your loss. Your cat wouldn’t want you to suffer or be the source of your suffering. Your cat would tell you “Cheer up! You got me to a good place.”

I still haven't cried, and the emotions remain the same - I just want to lay in bed all day. I'm so sorry about your grandpa and your sweet Grendl. The guilt crushes me. The what ifs. What if she made it. What if I killed her unnecessarily. If it isn't too insensitive, which mistakes are you referring to? Feel free to not talk about them if it hurts you.

Thank you for your reply 🤍

 

[leiasmom22]

Hugs, I'm so sorry.

I've often found the anticipatory grief is the most intense, and when it's all over, it's either numb or dulled, because there's no more fear involved, if that makes sense. There's no right or wrong way to feel with these things, and no set timeline of when or how you'll react.

Unfortunately there was no time for that - I did have time with Cris, my heart dog, he was terminal and though I held onto false hope for months, I knew he wasn't going to make it. I had time to prepare for his death and I always thought each day was the last - and I cried and cried and cried for days.

With Leia, it was sudden, shockingly sudden. In a matter of 24h she declined super fast and since my father wasn't relayed information accurately to me, I had no idea her situation was as bad as it was - because she was indeed getting better, but I thought it was just FIP. I got to the vet to see her, and she was... So far gone. Her mouth white, her eyes hazy. I try not to think about it because it's too painful. My precious baby.

 

[leiasmom22]

I am so sorry for your loss of Leia and agree with the others that sometimes we just shut down our emotions trying to deal with the loss.

You are not a horrible cat parent and did what you could for her. Sometimes there isn't enough time, money, prayer or medical expertise that can help our loved ones get better and be in our lives longer.

I feel like one.

I found myself calling her yesterday. And I waited for her to come like a fool. It feels... Empty without her. Maybe she could still be here

 

[leiasmom22]

Honey, numb is part of grief. It’s when things hurt so much that we don’t know what to feel. You are a good human. It’s just too much to feel at once. Right now I keep feeling numb, then sad, then angry, then I’m numb again. It’s natural. You did good. They’re watching over you.

I remember feeling so, so angry with my soul dog. I wanted to yell at everyone, and we had a puppy that is now an adult and I absolutely adore and smother him with love and treats and hugs. I couldn't stand to look at the puppy, out of anger. Which made me feel even worse.

You describe what I feel. I feel numb, detached most of the time - but then u get twinges of overwhelming anger, and sometimes sadness.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

Unfortunately there was no time for that - I did have time with Cris, my heart dog, he was terminal and though I held onto false hope for months, I knew he wasn't going to make it. I had time to prepare for his death and I always thought each day was the last - and I cried and cried and cried for days.

With Leia, it was sudden, shockingly sudden. In a matter of 24h she declined super fast and since my father wasn't relayed information accurately to me, I had no idea her situation was as bad as it was - because she was indeed getting better, but I thought it was just FIP. I got to the vet to see her, and she was... So far gone. Her mouth white, her eyes hazy. I try not to think about it because it's too painful. My precious baby.

I'm so, so sorry, that's horrible. It no wonder you are in too much shock to feel anything else yet.