I Didn't Know Getting Another Cat Would Be So Hard.

[Phantron]

I lost Paulo about three months ago now. He was my soul kitty and we were very close. He would cuddle with me all the time and look right into my eyes with love and give me nose kisses. He needed me so much. And then so suddenly he was gone, after 8 years. He left behind Yuki, his littermate and lifelong companion. Yuki coped mostly OK, but he was clearly so lonely and bored with no one around for most of the day.

A few weeks ago, I was finally feeling good enough to consider another cat. I visited a nearby shelter that someone had recommended. I came upon a few cats that seemed like good candidates but eventually I narrowed it down to one, a gray tabby 1 year old girl. I took her home a few weeks ago. The first few days were especially difficult because she refused to eat, but eventually I got her going and she has been settling in well. I chose her partly because I thought she would get along well with Yuki and so far they are doing pretty well. Not yet cuddling in piles but they share food and play together sometimes. She is a bit shy, but she is gradually becoming friendlier with me too.

I feel like I should be happier, but it's been difficult. She has been improving but I don't know her well yet or really love her yet, but she has the same level of needs as any other cat, plus all the new "quirks" I have to figure out like how to get her to not scratch the door frames, something Paulo and Yuki have never done. I haven't even found her a name yet and I've had her almost a month. She is shy and likes pets sometimes but doesn't cuddle yet or want to be picked up (I hope she'll like those things someday). It makes me just wish I had Paulo back sometimes. And it's hard not to compare her to him, or feel like she is taking his place even if that's totally irrational. Her being here sitting in the spots he loved, playing with Yuki, playing with Paulo's old toys, it makes me a little happy but also so sad knowing that she can only be here because Paulo is gone forever. Seeing her reminds me that my time with him is truly over and that I have to continue on with my life whether I want to or not.

Anyway, I don't know if I'm looking for advice so much as stories from other people who felt similar to me at first and then had things change or hopefully improve. Thanks for reading.

 

[di and bob]

Oh yes, every one of us on this forum have felt what you are going through, had the same doubts, feelings of guilt, sometimes even of anger that that cat is alive and my baby is not. Perfectly normal, perfectly sane, one more step along that pathway to healing.
As for me, I swore I would never get another cat, I didn't want to ever go through that again. I still loved cats, I still helped them when ever I could, and one big step to healing my broken heart was to pay for the adoption at my local shelter of the cat that had been there the longest several times a year in my loved one's name. It maid me feel a little better about myself knowing I was helping a little one get a forever home, and it honored my Chrissy's name and memory.
Then somehow three more little one's showed up at my door, desperate, ill, and starved for attention. A mama with three kittens. I tried, I really did, they would continue to be outside cats. Then two kittens died of distemper, along with many more in the neighborhood and more sadness descended. The mama had three more kittens and two of them died on the road. I was tired of death. I took them into my home and never looked back. They joined my Burt and Casper and for a while I had 5 cats in my house. Then my beloved Burt died at seventeen last fall. But he was hurting and old and was ready. Somehow his death was easier to accept than my Chrissy's, though his presence is dearly missed.
There is no way to ever replace the love for your little one in your heart because it will always be there. But like a mother with many children you make room in that heart and love each and every one of them for who they are, unique and special. Don't dwell on the loss and compare it to what you had. There is no comparison at all. What you had with Paulo will always be special, always fill a need that your bonding created. Celebrate that bond of love and know it is eternal. He will always be near, guiding you along your life's journey. And leading you to other loves, because true love is not selfish, but wants to be shared, to be passed on as a legacy left for the one that is loved above all else.
Don't be discouraged that you don't have the same feelings for the little ones that are in your life now. Just relax and let them be who they are. Embrace their uniqueness, their special differences. Affection and caring will turn into something more. Just live in the moment, don't look to the past, it is forever closed to change, but it lives on in our memories and we will never lose that. And don't fear the future, it is what we make of it and is forever changeable. animals all live in the now, we humans are the ones that worry and dwell on things we cannot change. Take their cue and enjoy your blessings, for you do have that, two babies who now love you very much and a love that will be tied to your soul for eternity. Don't be sad for the past, be happy for what it gave you, and concentrate on really living, on finding the happiness and joy that our loved ones want for us because they love us so very much.
My heart cries for your pain, you are new to heartache, three months is not long on that journey of healing. But time will help, it softens the sharp edges. Time heals all wounds, even the ones that hurt so much. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

 

[les26]

It is easy to understand how you feel and what you are going through, and like Di and Bob said you are still very much in the throws of grief which can distort your thoughts, but with time you will come to love and accept the new girl and she will be part of your "new" life. I am glad that they are getting along and not fighting, sometimes bringing in a new cat is a horrible experience, so be glad that they seem to get along, and with time it will get even better.

And THANK YOU for taking one in from the shelter and giving her a LIFE!!!!

 

[Mylittlepony]

For now, I would just think about the good home you are giving to your new cat and the love will come, dont rush it, dont expect anything. Cats have a way of making their way into your heart, even if it seems hard at the beginning.

 

[Phantron]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful words. I am happy to hear that these kind of feelings are pretty normal. I will just try not to think too far ahead or behind and let things work themselves out.

Yes I think I am still in a lot of grief, more than I realized. It probably would have been better for me to wait longer to get another cat, but I didn't want Yuki to be alone for much longer. He would just cry and cry and cry either right at me or around the apartment for half the night after I would get home every day and it didn't really improve over time. Already that has improved a lot since she got here. He is playing a lot more now that he has her to play with too. So even if she and I haven't bonded a lot yet, she isn't alone and neither is Yuki.

She had been in that shelter for her entirely life basically! So over a year. It is a very nice shelter but in a small town so cats take awhile to be adopted there and her being somewhat shy she was passed over by everyone. But she is currently napping on my lap!

And yes Paulo was the first real death of someone close to me in my life. I've lost grandparents but I didn't really know them well, and I've lost other cats but I was just a kid. He was my cat and I was his person. I took care of all of his needs, from when I adopted him, to when he got sick, to when I had to let him go. We spent time together every day through 8 years of my life, some very important years where I graduated college, started my career, moved across the country, lost my job and moved back, suffered through breakups and depression . . . he was there for all of that and helped me through it. He and Yuki taught me how much I can really care for someone and what it felt like to get that love returned fully. And then Paulo gave me that final gift of perspective. The innocent person I was died with him for sure but in the long run I think I will be stronger.

 

[Furballsmom]

Already that has improved a lot since she got here. He is playing a lot more now that he has her to play with too. So even if she and I haven't bonded a lot yet, she isn't alone and neither is Yuki.

 

[les26]

She had been in that shelter for her entirely life basically! So over a year. It is a very nice shelter but in a small town so cats take awhile to be adopted there and her being somewhat shy she was passed over by everyone.

"Saving one cat will not change the world, but for that one cat..... the world is changed forever."

This saying, so so true, is on a rock paperweight Deb got me awhile ago about Sylvester, but it applies to ALL strays and others looking for a forever home.

You did a great thing for her, and you will realize that as time goes forward.....

 

[Phantron]

"Saving one cat will not change the world, but for that one cat..... the world is changed forever."

This saying, so so true, is on a rock paperweight Deb got me awhile ago about Sylvester, but it applies to ALL strays and others looking for a forever home.

You did a great thing for her, and you will realize that as time goes forward.....

Thank you. It was definitely hard at first because she was so scared that she wouldn't eat. She had volunteers at the shelter that she trusted, and cat friends in her room, and it felt horrible at first to tear her away from everything she had ever known. I very seriously considered taking her back during that first week but fortunately my friends talked me out of it. Hopefully it was the right decision in the end but we'll see. There was another cat there I was seriously considering and sometimes I think about what things would be like now if I had taken him instead. The shelter volunteers LOVED him but he was still extremely skittish around anyone he didn't know. According to them, once he knew you he would open up and be the most wonderful cat. But in the end the kitty I chose "tugged on my heartstrings more" as the volunteers liked to say for reasons I can't really articulate.

 

[Furballsmom]

They do that

 

[duckpond]

I am sorry for the loss of Paulo. You will always miss him, and i think the feeling you are having are normal. Hopefully you will start to love and appreciate the uniqueness that is your new kitten. All cats have different personalities and quirks, those will with a little time become as special to you with the new cat. It will in no way detract from the love you had for Paulo, to open your heart to the new cat. Love grows, there is always love for the past, and love for the future. Just like when a parent has more children, more love grows, it takes none away from the others.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Oh, my Dear New Friend, you are still grieving Paulo just now. It will take time for this new girl to make her very own place in your life and your heart, and even longer before you stop comparing the two of them in your mind. This is so human. So very, very human. And many of us here have gone through this at some point in our lives. Right now, don't fret about not having a bond with her just yet. Concentrate on the fact that you are honoring Paulo's life by giving her a home. The rest will follow. As will her name.

 

[Timmer]

I am sorry for your loss.
I had a cat, Pickles, for 18 years. After she went, everyone told me go right out and get another one. I was so grief stricken, I listened. Big mistake for the sole reason that I wasn't ready but I didn't know or understand that at the time.
I picked out two girls. I think it took me probably a solid 6 months to bond with them. I liked them...but I didn't love them. That took a very long time but eventually, we became close. I appreciated them for who they were. I was very sad when Tina got kidney failure and died four years after I had gotten her. That wasn't enough time!!! I still have the other female cat and she's been with me 12 years now.
Timmer passed away a month ago. I haven't gotten another cat and I probably won't. It will just be me and Lupita for now.

 

[Phantron]

Thanks again everyone. Your words have been really helpful. It is getting easier day by day to accept her. She has become more affectionate and cuddly too. I will continue to keep my expectations in check and try to just enjoy her opening up over time.

 

[duckpond]

Sounds like you guys are on the right path! Be easy and kind, both to yourself and her, i think you guys need each other! Im very glad its working out for you guys!

 

[di and bob]

Just enjoy her company and the distraction it brings for your grief. You both need each other, and your heart is big enough to make room for her in the future.

 

[Timmer]

I am grieving over Timmer's death so hard. I come home from work and just cry and cry and cry. Last night I realized probably the only thing that will help me is getting another cat but....I don't think I'm ready and then I worry about Lupita. She and Timmer never got along and I had to keep them separated all the time. She now finally has her house to herself again and I'm not sure she would welcome another cat. I know I am not really ready for another cat either but this grief is so painful. Having another cat to love would help, because that is really what this is about in many ways -- having someone to love, to respond to me, to be there. Tim stuck to me like glue and it's so odd not having that.
I look on the shelter's website at the adult cats I'd be interested in looking at but....that's playing with fire right there. HA! :-)

 

[duckpond]

I am grieving over Timmer's death so hard. I come home from work and just cry and cry and cry. Last night I realized probably the only thing that will help me is getting another cat but....I don't think I'm ready and then I worry about Lupita. She and Timmer never got along and I had to keep them separated all the time. She now finally has her house to herself again and I'm not sure she would welcome another cat. I know I am not really ready for another cat either but this grief is so painful. Having another cat to love would help, because that is really what this is about in many ways -- having someone to love, to respond to me, to be there. Tim stuck to me like glue and it's so odd not having that.
I look on the shelter's website at the adult cats I'd be interested in looking at but....that's playing with fire right there. HA! :-)

I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Grief is so very painful! I think another cat would be a great idea, when you are ready. Maybe another young male. It can be difficult to bring another one in sometimes, but not always. a young male kitten, maybe Lupita would think she is the mom Be easy and kind with yourself, one day the grief will be less intense.

 

[Timmer]

Thanks Duckpond. I tend to adopt the adult cats because I know those are harder to place. I haven't had a kitten since I was a kid. No matter who I end up with, it's all good. :-)

 

[duckpond]

Thanks Duckpond. I tend to adopt the adult cats because I know those are harder to place. I haven't had a kitten since I was a kid. No matter who I end up with, it's all good. :-)

I agree with the older cats, i do too, and black cats which many still will not adopt. I just know that when i have brought home older cats my current cats were more difficult to introduce. When i bring home a baby in the 8 week old range, all rescues, the resident cats took to them in just a day or too. Everyone loves a baby But your cat may be different, and i wish you the best with which ever you pick.