I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down

[meelasmom]

I meant why did she have to get sick in the first place? Why did God need her so badly? Why did he test me us? I needed and still need her.

I miss her jumping up in lap, chasing water when I turned on in the bathroom sink, me motioning the hand signal for bed, her waiting for to get up in the morning, for her to show me where the cat food was when we got in the bathroom, her waiting on the side of the tub, yet peeking in the shower checking to see if I was done..her going to the refrigerator when I got out of the shower and hollering for her milk.

I miss taking care if her when wasn't well, talking to her, looking into her beautiful face and eyes...petting and just holding her.

 

[Antonio65]

I am afraid that your sense of guilt will never go away, but don't let it destroy you.
I am sure that something or someone decides our lives for us, on a particular day things will just go wrong out of our control and plans and our life is not the same anymore. We will relive that particular day in our mind over and over and will be full of what if's and if I could's. But we know that nothing will ever change what happened.
Anything we do gives us a sense of guilt, because no matter how hard we try and fight, things will not go as planned and hoped.
I'm still thinking if I could have changed the destiny of my sweet Lola, could I have done anything better? Should I have been a bit more careful and alert?
The guilt for what we have done and what we haven't will die with us.

 

[di and bob]

Of course you feel as you do, I remember those first dark weeks and months very well, I wanted to die along with her. Everything reminded me of my loss, the tears were frequent and the the feeling of hopelessness and loss was overwhelming.
Meela was your soulmate. That doesn't mean you will never love another as you did her, it just can never be the same. But it CAN happen, it is just different. And it can be a welcome distraction.
I kept thinking that I would never have wanted her to go through the pain I was experiencing if I were the first to go, I would want for her to go on and find happiness again, just as I know they want for us. You have to mourn, but you don't have to give up on living.
This pain is a part of our past, and for now, the present. But it doesn't have to become a part of our future, the memories we will always have of happier times will comfort us and bring happiness for having shared such a wonderful love with such a precious little one.
Our pain is as great as our love, but to have never known that love at all would have been worse.

 

[dorymb]

Meela was a white female blue eye, green eye deaf cat. She was only 9 months old when I had to make a heartbreaking decision to put her down.

Meela was very happy and healthy until the 3rd week of this past March. She started discharging something that I had the vet look at. I thought it was a miscarriage, but it turned out to be Pyometra. This meant emergency surgery to save her life. I wish that's what it did, but it didn't.

After the surgery there started being complications. It was about 4 days later that she started with a fever. She was on a liquid antibiotic that might have aspirated into her lungs causing a secondary infection. It turned out that she was Anemic and her body wasn't producing enough red blood cells. Her red blood score was 18.

The vet told me it was a 50/50 shot but if he could get her on prednisone, it could help her rebuild those cells and she could beat it. He identified the Anemia being an auto-immune disease. He tested her for feline aids and leukemia and both tests were negative. He said there was another disease called FIP that was a possibility, but since there was no test and she didn't really have the symptoms, he didn't believe it was that. So he hospitalized her over a weekend and switched her to another antibiotic.

He called me through out the weekend and updated me. I was scared to death that each time the phone rang it would be bad news about her. She looks terrible and lethargic when she was taken in. Sunday morning he told me that she was eating, hollering and had pulled her iv out..."a bit sassy". I was able to pick her up on Monday which was a week later from the date of the surgery. I was blown away at how good she looked. As soon as she saw me the started meowing and trying to get to me. WIth her being deaf, I was her person.

She did great when she got home. And then Thursday night a week and a half after surgery around 11pm she was lying flat sleeping when I pet her, I noticed that she had peed where she laid while sleeping. This was not normal. Luckily, she had a follow up visit for the next day.

Her blood count was up to 22, which meant that the prednisone was working. But her fever wasn't going down much. It was 106 and the vet managed to get down to 103 after another weekend in the hospital.

This vet was also concerned about her not eating. Strangely enough, I was the only one who could get Meela to eat. I had to coax her at times, but she usually did. I opened up a can of her favorite Fancy Feast and had a small saucer of milk in front of her and she immediately took off eating. The vet was very encouraged and told me that if I can keep her eating it was good and increased her survival changes and the chanced on beating whatever this was.

The fever was the biggest concern. In my mind, I felt if I could keep her eating and drinking, her body would grow stronger and that would help her fight this unknown disease. We arrived home around 2pm and every single hour I went to her and got her to eat and drink right up until 10:30 pm. She seemed to being doing much better and I felt like her fever had gone down or broke.

The next morning (Monday 2 weeks now after the surgery) Meela felt like she was burning up. She still used the litter box, but eating and drinking was so much less than the day before. I thought, "ok, maybe she should just go in for the day for IV fluids and that will help get her to want to eat and drink more."

I called the vet the next morning (Tuesday, April 4th) and they agreed. Luckily it was the same vet had that weekend. She told me to bring her food and they would try to get her to eat throughout the day. I was to pick her up after work and take her home.

In the middle of the day, I called the vet to check on Meela. She said that she still wasn't eating or drinking and was depressed. (She was always depressed being there.) She told me her blood count was back to 18 which was where we started and that the prednisone stopped working (she believed). I was heart broken and crying.

I told her that I had to draw a line in the sand as to when we had to call it if Meela was not going to survive this. She would not tell me if she was or wasn't, but that she wanted to meet with me when I picked her up. I did tell her I was going to take her home and let Wednesday and Thursday be the deciding factor in her getting better. If she was no better, I was going to have to put her down instead of watching her suffer and die.

I was extremely happy to get Meela. But when I got there the vet was in surgery and wasn't going to be out any time soon. My original plan was to go get her and pay at the window and leave. I honestly regret not doing that. But when they brought Meela to me, I thought she looked bad.

She had small amount of blood around her nose. When I wiped it, it was a very small clot. Nothing more came out. She looked depressed. The tech told me it could have been a blood clot coming from her lung. When I held her, her voice was hoarse and she sounded a bit raspy in the lungs when breathing. I felt so bad for her. She hated being there. The tech offered to get me a vet to talk with about her. I held her for the 10 minutes I waited telling her how blessed I was to have her in my life and how much I loved her. And that she could let go if she was tired of fighting.

She stared right into my eyes. The 4th was her 9 month birthday. When the vet came in, he immediately stated that if I was considering putting her down, that it was the right choice because she wasn't going to get better. If the prednisone stopped working, the anemia would kill her. I cried to hard and held her. I know she knew something was wrong.

When he left the room, she wanted off my lap and went from door to door, wanting to leave. I picked her up and sat her in front of me on the table. she kept trying to get into her kennel where her special blanket was. I opened the door and she went in happily "making bread" on the blanket and purring. She then turned around facing me as if to say, "What are waiting for, lets go home"

Then the vet came back and he said he believed she had another secondary infection and that she was on 2 antibiotics and nothing was touching her fever. He then stated he was pretty sure it was FIP and reminded me that it would end in death. I had spend the afternoon looking up FIP and reading all about it. I knew she had the signs. She had jaundice in her ears, wouldn't eat or drink, was somewhat lethargic and lost weight. I told him I was afraid if I took her home that I wouldn't be able to bring myself to bring her back to end her suffering, if she was. He said "you know what the right thing is and out your love for her, you would be doing her a favor".

I ended up agreeing to putting her down. I was with her the entire time. When he took her out to prepare her to be sent home, I decided to read her chart. First of all they gave her a rabies vaccination without my permission or knowledge. The never tried to feed her throughout the day like the promised. The opened a can and left it beside her only 15 minutes after I dropped off the food, which was hours before. I was distraught over this. When brought her back he told me not to feel guilty and to just remember things were only going to get worse for her.

When I got in my car, I lost it. I kept apologizing to her. I had left my phone in the car, which meant that I didn't take the opportunity to talk to anyone in my family for support. I had to bury her when I got home. My husband consoled me, but wasn't real helpful. I cried all night, my kids cried with me because they loved her and wanted her to live, too. I cried myself to sleep that night.

The next morning I called into work. I was no good to anyone. I spent the day researching more about the "what if's". Turns out that I should have taken another day to research this before I knew this was the right choice. I really was trying to look up anything that would indicated I did the right thing.

I know that I didn't ask the right questions. I didn't ask how long she had, if vitamins would work, if I kept giving her the antibiotic they stopped on top of what she already had and if that would increase help in fighting the infection, what about lights for the jaundice. What will happen if I take her home? What If get her eating? Is there a chance she can rebound from the 18 in her blood to get it up again? What other options are there? When will I know if we have to put her down? I did ask if she was suffering and the vet told me "she doesn't feel well".

I acted impulsively and now I regret it and can't change it. Why didn't I just take her home like the tech told me and weigh out my options? Why didn't I think about my family saying goodbye to her? WHY WHY WHY?

I am so heartbroken and can't stop crying about this. I feel like I failed her. I told her I would never stop fighting for her and ultimately I guess I did. Or I feel like I did. All day yesterday I kept saying I made the wrong choice, I made the wrong choice. One more day wouldn't have hurt.

Then I called the vet today to get answers to my questions. I told him how much regret I had. I was just 2 weeks after surgery. He said his concern was the fever never really going down and recently the drop in the blood count. He said death was imminent. There was no way she would beat this. He said it would have taken a miracle, which I would have held out for. He said that the blood in her nose could have meant that she would start bleeding out because her vessels were getting thin.

He said death might not have happened right way and that it could have taken weeks but that she really would have suffered deeply. He said I wasn't selfish and that I put her first. He told me there was nothing more that could have been done.

I still don't believe that and still feel like I failed her. I miss her so, so much that it really hurts. I spend the last 2 weeks with her nearly day and night because of this...nursing her and reassuring her and just loving her.. I miss her. My son has been my rock, telling me that I went up and above for her. Even though I am starting to accept that it may have been the right thing to do, I am so full of grief that it's killing me. I don't know what to do. And advice would be helpful. She was so healthy and young and this never should have happened.

You helped me with your advice and I can tell you that I have similar thoughts and feelings. I don't think there is anyone who can say what would have been or anything anyone can say that will take away the sense of guilt and remorse. I'm sorry for your horrible experience at the Vet's. Vets make mistakes all the time. Often it's a guessing game, trial and error. How can we know? We have to trust them at the time and only later look back. I so wish I had taken Cleo in to thae vet sooner. We can only learn from our experiences and vow not to repeat those things we regret. Anyway, that is what I keep telling myself. I loved my little girl more than anything and I know that I failed her. My pain is palpable. I feel it in my chest and I'm constantly on the verge of tears. It's been a week for me and I did get something from my doctor to help me sleep at night (when my thoughts are replayed over and over.) I made it through today without crying in public and that is an improvement. With the passing of time, I know it will get better. It's just something we have to endure until it gradually receeds. I will never forgive myself, but I have to live with this and accept that it's done.

 

[meelasmom]

Thanks Dory. I find myself handing out advice, but I can't seem to follow it for myself. The pain is unbearable at times. I mean so bad, you want to just collapse. My chest hurts so bad at times that I'm not sure if it's headed to a heart attack or just a really broken heart.

My biggest mistake was not looking at the entire situation, asking questions and coming up with a plan. I just thought she was going to get better after the surgery. She SHOULD have. Then they said because of the prednisone, it would take longer. The truth is, none of this should have happened.

I, too, will never forgive myself for what I did because it was hasty and misguided. I will never forgive the vet for letting me make such a final decision under so much duress. I feel like I stole her life from her when she deserved more time. She wasn't laying around in pain. She wasn't on deaths door. I did steal her life.

You are right. We all have to live with where we are and accept it. But it doesn't mean that I have to forgive myself. I am trying not to beat myself up so much, but there are absolutely no words that will ever make me feel like I did the right thing. There is nothing that can be done and I can't get Meela back.

That's the hard truth. I just need to figure out how to move on. Some days are better than others. The more I keep busy, the better the day goes. Then those moments happen that she creeps into my mind. Sometimes they are happy memories, but that last hour overshadows all of them.

I need to be here helping others, as much as I need others to help me. I have lost plenty cats over my years, but I have never been in this situation.

It's been 5 weeks and 3 days for me. I am such a sad soul..and feel broken. I didn't have her nearly as long as some of the others here. Maybe that's part of it. She should not be gone. She had so much life to live. Nothing is fair, that's for sure. I will never ever forget her.

 

[dorymb]

Wishing I could say something/anything to make it better for you. Yesterday I held it together but today I'm up since 4 AM dwelling again and missing my girl.

 

[meelasmom]

Thanks Dory..its not always words, it's the knowledge that someone understands and is there for you. Just like this group. Its going to take a long time to heal. I miss her so very much. Hugs to you too with your pain.

 

[dustydiamond1]

Do you have others in your home with you, either two legged or four?

 

[meelasmom]

Hi Dusty. I have a few other cats who I love very much. They are all special and have their own unique and sometime dominant peraonalities, but none of them come close to what Meela was.

That sounds no s of selfish, but she was so reliant on me being deaf. We completely understood each other. The others do rely on me, but it's not the same. None of them are her. She was so sweet and innocent of everything. I can't really explain it.

I feel so guilty because I didn't listen to her. That's the hardest and worst thing about this is that I feel like I gave up on her and I never meant to. I would have been heartbroken by losing her at all. The fact that I had a hand in it kills me.

 

[dustydiamond1]

Dear sweet meelasmom.
Please believe me when I say that I truly do understand you feeling so guilty and that by dwelling on it so much you are punishing yourself, but you must forgive yourself and let go of most of the self punishment as you are also punishing your other fur babies. They can sense your feelings and since they don't understand what is causing it they are being stressed by it, even if they aren't showing it. For their sake, and yours, please honor Meelas memory and get some professional grief counseling.
Please don't think I am being callous and unfeeling, I have also dealt with much regret and self guilt in my life but in order to survive I've had to forgive myself and move forward both for my loved ones, two and four legged, and myself.
We on this site are all supporting you in your bereavement, please support yourself.

 

[meelasmom]

Hi dust. I take no offense at your words. I am living with what I did. I have to. I miss my girl so much and coming here and posting how I feel helps. Its just going to take a very long time to recover from this.

I don't see it possible for me to forgive myself. I know I was wrong. Would have lived in after that day had I not done? I don't know and will know. I do know realistically that she could have died later on. I wish done things differently.

I will always regret not looking into the symptoms and treatments more than I did. I know can't change any of it. I do. I know I can't bring her back. I am dealing with this the best I can. I just have those days...thanks for your concern. I have made almost 6 weeks..6 long weeks without her.

 

[dorymb]

Meelasmom, I feel the same way. I was researching sensitive stomach issues and so had blinders on. I so wish I had done things differently. I met a woman at the pet store yesterday and she shared the story of her cat who died recently. The cat seemed fine just a day before becoming ill, The vet did 1100$ worth of "treatment" and tests, sent the cat home and told her the cat would be tired from the medicine and to expect him to be lethargic. Three hours later, the cat was dead. She was grieving deeply and furious at the vet. I didn't like the treatment Cleo received at the ER, I should have taken her the next day to my vet, taken off from work, but no. I was in denial. I thought she would perk up after the anti nausea shot. Too late. Too late. I keep thinking though of how 9 years ago she was misdiagnosed with cancer, and we sought other opinions and saved her. Also, when a few years later a vet said "How long do you expect Cleo to live anyway" when I told her I wanted to treat her hyperthyroidism with radiation. She was 13 at the time and lived 4 more healthy years. I keep thinking of how many times I had her to the vet for her stomach issues. How everyday I had to coax her to eat tempting her with warmed food on a spoon. Feeding little meals throughout the day and night. Aside from meal time and her episodes of vomiting, she was so affectionate, active and displaying no signs of distress.......until she did. And then I was too late. What to take from this? 1.That vets are like physicians, they are best guessing half the time. and 2. we aren't perfect either. We do our best at the time and sometimes that's not good enough. I'm trying to live on all the good things I did for Cleo. All the love we shared. I adored her and she was given so much affection and attention. I know your cat was too. I am sorry you did not have the time with her that you should have. You are right about that. I'm thinking of you.

 

[Antonio65]

What to take from this? 1.That vets are like physicians, they are best guessing half the time. and 2. we aren't perfect either. We do our best at the time and sometimes that's not good enough.

Your point 1 is what I started thinking last year when they were guessing every day about what my sweet Lola could have. Two months of wrong diagnosis almost everyday... "We think it could be this"... ""No, we think it's that"... "No, we we wrong both times, it's this"... and so on for two months!
We surely do all we can and sometimes we do much more than we could..

 

[di and bob]

I have witnessed death many times, both human and cat, and although we grieve tremendously when we hold them in our arms at the vet during that final trip, we always blame and second guess ourselves for doing so. I swore I would never do that again, it was too much heartache, and I had no right to end their life. So I did what I could to make the next one comfortable and had them die at home. Now I second guess myself again, and watching the suffering vow to never do that again either, I had no right to allow them to suffer. I have come to the conclusion there IS no 'right' way to end life, loving them is the only thing we can do, the only 'right' thing that comes out of this.

 

[meelasmom]

Another day without Meela. It's not that it's getting any easier, but I am getting through the days with less tears. Today is my birthday and when I was asked what I wanted, all I could think of is I want to go back to April 4th and bring Meela home. If I could have any wish, I would do just that.

Any who...

 

[Antonio65]

Happy Birthday Meelasmom!
I think that if it was possible for us to make you a present for your birthday, all of us would bring Meela back to you.

 

[meelasmom]

Thank so, much for just saying that. It meant the world to me reading it.

 

[meelasmom]

Things have been going a little better, even though I continue to break down when I least expect it. The other day I had to drive by the Animal Clinic where Meela was put down. That was heartbreaking. I am managing, though some times are not very easy at all.

So Wednesday my daughter called me crying from this same Animal Hospital. She told me that they got back from camp around 10am and found her 4 year old dog, Harley, laying out back and they knew something was wrong. She didn't come when they called her. She wasn't using her back legs and crawled up to her dog house and wouldn't come out.

They rushed her to the vets. I got there just before the nurse came out to call them in. They had already taken Harley in the back as soon as they got there.

The nurse went over the questions of how this happened, etc. Then the doctor came in. The SAME doctor I had for Meela. He kept staring at me like he knew me, but couldn't quite place me. Anyway, they had no idea what was wrong with Harley. They did an xray and found no broken bones. The blood work came back okay. The only thing that made sense was that Harley ate something she shouldn't have. So what they said was treatment would be IV fluids and poison control.

Lyndsey said good bye and told Harley she loved her and hoped for the best. However, prior to leaving, the doctor was asked if Harley was going to die from this and he said, "I really don't know..It's 50/50 until we know exactly what we are dealing with". They thought keeping her overnight would give them a much better idea of how things were going to go.

Then Lyndsey decided to call them around 4pm that day to check in because she hadn't heard from them with an update. They told her that they were just getting around to call her, of course. They then told her that they tried to give her the charcoal treatment to push the poison out of her, but it came out of her mouth and blood came out of the other end. They now felt that she ate something that was blocking her stomach and starting to rot her insides. There were only 2 choices.

One - being a surgery that $1200 was needed before being performed and there were NO guarantees. They might open her up and find that nothing could be done and it was also possible she would die on the table.

Two - put her down.

Lyndsey and her husband cried over the agonizing choice of having to put her down. They headed right out to the vets with this in mind, no matter how hard that choice was. Then 5 minutes after they left, the vet called back and talked to her MIL, telling her that it came to him that he should do a Parvo test to see if that could be ruled out. It is very uncommon for a dog that age to get Parvo. He said he had never seen it at this age before.

The test turned out positive and he said Harley could be treated. Lyndsey got the news when she got there and was told to wash her hands well after touching Harley and to keep the other dog, animals and kids away from her. They prescribed medicine that cost $200 and had given her a dose before she left.

At this point, Lyndsey said Harley would be pretty sick for a few days, but would get better. She said the doctor told her she now had a 60% chance of recovery. To cut down on any more costs, they allowed her to take Harley home.

She came to get me to see her after they got her settled. To me, she looked VERY sick. She wasn't moving much, but acknowledge people by wagging her tail as she lay there. Her breathing kind of bothered me, but Lyndsey told me that the vet said it was normal. I reminded Lyndsey that 60% was not a high percentage. She told me that it was higher than then it was when they headed to the clinic to put her down.

I know we all hang on to any bit of hope when it comes to a pet surviving. Lord I know. No one ever wants to consider that pet not making it.

My son, David, checked on Harley all night - every 10-15 minutes. At 1am, he came to my bedroom crying hysterically that when he went to check on Harley, she wasn't moving or breathing. He went to get Lyndsey and her husband and told them. They were both a mess. He begged me to get up and go over. He said, "mom you know what she's going through better than anyone else, please come. You are the only one who can help her."

I raced over to find Lyndsey laying over Harley crying hysterically just hugging her and kissing her. Just before Harley died, she expelled blood everywhere from each end. Lyndsey said her face was also swollen. The Parvo was so much worse than anyone knew. She was upset not only that Harley died, but that she thought she died alone.

I tried to comfort her as much as I could. She was furious with the vets and the entire emotional roller coaster she had that day. She said she never thought once that Harley wouldn't make it through the night. I asked her if the vet told her that or warned her and she said no. I told her if he only gave her a 60% chance he should have noted the definite possibility that she could still die, especially over night.

After an hour of tears and sorrow, I went home and back to bed. Lyndsey went home a little bit later. The next day, they called the vet and informed them that Harley didn't make it. They said that they never opened the $200 box of medicine and wanted to exchange it back in return for Harley to be cremated. They told them absolutely not. They refused the medicine and wanted around $100 for the cremation.

Lyndsey feels they are negligent in their actions. I reminded her that Harley was VERY sick, sicker than anyone saw and the best thing she did was let her come home and die. It was much better than dying at that hospital with no one around. That, she wouldn't have forgiven herself for. She hates the vet now. Not because of Harley dying, as much as it was the way they handled the situation. She was misdiagnosed twice and then was never warned about the real severity of her sickness. I mean, I don't blame her.

She and I both know they didn't actually kill her, but with my situation and now hers, they really aren't doing their jobs as well as they should.

So her grief coupled with what I relived going back to that hospital was torture the last few days.

When I walked in, I felt like I couldn't breath. Then I pulled it together to be there for my daughter. The room we went to, was the same one the first time Meela went and I was told she needed the surgery and the second was her check up the weekend before she died which resulted in her staying the weekend.

As we left, I had to pass by the room where she was put down and I saw everything happen all over again. It felt like my heart was pounding to get out of my chest. It was still so raw and fresh like it happened yesterday.

So that's where I am as of today. Still full of grief and anger. Now my daughter is going through losing her dog.

 

[maggiedemi]

Parvo was the first thing I thought of when you said he couldn't use his back legs. I'm surprised the vet didn't think of that first. I saw it on one of those animal shows on Animal Planet. Was he vaccinated against it?

 

[meelasmom]

Yes she was. They said her immunity was too low to fight it? They also think she had a seizure.