I am absolutely heartbroken and regretful over my Meela having to be put down

[meelasmom]

Here are the remaining members of Meela's family. When I say family, that is exactly what they are. They all take care of each other. I have never seen a group of cats that are so close. I'll post the pics and then tell you who is who. This helps me with Meela's memory more than I thought it would. At least I can try start remembering the happier times. I have never been through such a struggle like this. I thank all of you for encouraging words. I know she is gone and I can't change anything. I have accepted that. But the guilt will always be there. I just hope it becomes easier to deal with or maybe I won't dwell on it quite as much as I do because there are times it consumes me.

 

[Antonio65]

You have a wonderful feline family indeed!
They all look great, happy and healthy. Hopefully they will help you through these hard moments.

 

[meelasmom]

The first was Meela back in November before any illness. She was so healthy and beautiful. Next is Abby, her mama. Then the next two are her brothers Bandit (Black & White), quite the chatterbox and Buddy, who I call the White Weasel. Both are so very close. They do everything together. Then last is Meeka. He is dad of the boys and Meela. He's a big boy. He was my daughter's cat first while living with us. Now she has moved to another town and taking him would be a huge mistake. She lives in a very busy town with a main highway. If he got out, she would never see him again, so she allowed me to keep him.

 

[meelasmom]

They have been very good to me, especially since Meela's passing. They lay with me, sleep with me and keep track of me the best they can. Bandit is a chatterbox, who talks and talks. He has a face that looks kind of like a scowl. He's pretty special. He was the first to really be there for me. Abby now sleeps with me again since then. She hadn't done that in a long time. Buddy started out as my son's cat. Then he became mine somehow. His tail is HUGE. He's a sweetie pie. Then there is Meeka. Meek can't help it that his "mother" - my daughter left him behind. She had to and he didn't understand. After she left, he could be found waiting to get into her old room, which is now storage. I felt so bad for him and tried to give him the love he was looking for. Since Meela's gone, he is all I have left from her, really. She had his eyes. So when I look at him, I see her.

He and Abby have been "together" these past days as she went into heat. So I truly am hoping she is pregnant. She is a great mom. I know I can never, ever replace Meela. She was one of a kind and she was so very special to me. But if there is any possibility that Abby and Meek can create another that even resembles, if not, looks like her, I can't pass up that opportunity. It may sound wrong to some, but I feel it's my last chance to find anther to fill this hole in my heart.

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you antonio65. They are all special to me. They are all good babies.

 

[Antonio65]

But if there is any possibility that Abby and Meek can create another that even resembles, if not, looks like her, I can't pass up that opportunity. It may sound wrong to some, but I feel it's my last chance to find anther to fill this hole in my heart.

Please, don't cling to this thought. No cat can ever resemble another cat, each of them is unique and hoping that a cat could be a copy of a passed away cat would be unfair to both of them.
You will welcome the next long-haired white cat as a new friend, one that will live next to you, to give you a new happiness not to fill a hole in your heart. That hole is there to stay. I wouldn't like that another pet would fill the hole in my heart, because I want to live with this hole or my love for Lola will have been useless.

 

[meelasmom]

You are probably right. As I said, no cat will ever replace her - none could. Maybe it will help me deal with my broken heart. The pain of losing Meela will always be there, I know.

 

[di and bob]

You will never know why Meela died, but then neither did trained vets. You can't blame yourself for things that might have been. It could have been just as possible you saved her from horrible suffering too. This was something you truly had no control over. You have to admit, there was something horribly wrong, and it was not getting better, even when you got help.
Guilt is a horrible burden to the heart, it is something that is impossible to rid yourself of once it invades your soul. You have to purposely keep your mind busy with something else to keep it from taking over your life. It will always be there, to examine and hurt, I think the secret is to not let it be there every waking moment. Meela would never want this for you. Please try to do things to bring meaning and honor to her life, donate to your local shelter or pay for the adoption of the unadoptable in her name. Write a letter to Meela, tell her all.Tell her what she meant to you and ask for her help in learning to cope with her leaving. Keep it in a safe place and add to it each time you read it. I know she would like a little prayer to comfort herself and you.
You must start to feel better about yourself to live again and this is something that takes time. I still cry 5 years later, but it does get better, it just takes a long time. It is something that will never be gone, but you learn how to cope, to forge a new life's order for yourself. Allow yourself the time to grieve, but also the time to live again too. it is the hardest thing I have ever went through, and I know it will be hard for you too, my heart goes out to you.

 

[meelasmom]

Thanks Di & Bob. I already did the letter thing. I think I was up to 25 pages at last check. No, I will never know - that's true. After talking to the vet 2 days later, he did tell me there were other things we could have tried. He couldn't guarantee they would have worked. But he was wrong 3 times during this process from what he was sure she had to her getting better that first weekend in the hospital. He couldn't believe he was wrong. So when told me after the fact, that he never really knew what was wrong with her and further tests might have been able to pinpoint what was going on, it broke my heart to know that I gave up that day without real cause. I did not have all the information in front of me. When she was turning her head to find me and to look at me as he gave her the first shot, absolutely breaks my heart. It's an image I can't get out of my head. It wasn't comfort, it was confusion. She didn't know what was going on.

The truth is that it still could have ended that way. "COULD HAVE". I did it wrong. I didn't ask the questions I should have. I didn't have all the evidence in front of me before making that final decision. The vet told me later that she might have lived weeks or months, but if she did have FIP, she would have eventually died from it. But there was never anything definite. It was only speculation because they didn't know what was wrong.

I am bothered by the fact that we never talked about the other option, when he said, you have a couple of options here.

One more day could have gotten me the answers I was looking for. It could have simply been Anemia. He said that too. One more day may not have changed the final outcome, but I owed her that day!

She wasn't dying right then and there. She wasn't going to die over night. He told me that. He told me that she had 3 of the 4 signs of FIP, but then during our phone call he told me she had only 2 signs and that he misspoke.

I wish I hadn't gone alone. I wish someone had been there with me or talked me down from where I was. I wasn't thinking clearly. I was under duress. I made a decision that I couldn't take back, without a lot of thought. I am angry that the vet let me go through with it without thinking about it....without sleeping on such a final decision. I told him that. He agreed that he should have stopped me at least to think about it longer. She wasn't suffering, she didn't feel well. I only put her there to jump start her fluids. I never ever planned on not bringing her home. I never planned on putting her down. I wish I could go back to that last hour because I wouldn't have done it. I would have collected her and took her home. I promised her she wouldn't die there, and yet she did.

She had a fever for just over a week on and off. She had her meds switched 3 times in 8 days. No one ever questioned if the meds were causing the fever. I am so deeply hurt over this. I will never forgive myself for doing that to her without facts and answers I should have had. Again, I realize that she still could have died or needed to be put down, but what if she didn't? What if she was curable or treatable? This is what I did to her. I robbed her of what could have been. I did that without having all the facts in front of me. I don't recommend anyone ever jump the gun and make an impulsive decision that you may regret. You can't take it back. It's final.

The stories I read here are heart breaking. There really was no other recourse for any of these owners. Me? Yes, I had options. Yes, there would have been more expenses, but I would have emptied my bank account to make her well. If I knew that no matter what tried couldn't save her, I would have stopped. That is not where we were.

I didn't tell you but I did call one of the other vets a little while back. I felt like a desperate person, but I felt like I had to talk to one of them. I didn't want to come off as a stalker on here, either. She basically told me that there wasn't much sense in the what if's, but I need to try to understand. I need resolution. I told her to be honest with me. She told me she was surprised that I put her down that day. She said they were all sad because Meela was special and they all liked her, that they were all pulling for her. She said that there were other things we could have tried, but there is never a guarantee. There were more tests that could have been done. She told me that bringing her in for IV fluids was a good start to helping her recover and that her recovery was slower than normal because of the prednisone. That's why she didn't get better as quick. She said it was possible that other treatments options might have helped her blood count go back up. She was at 18 and up to 20 in 4 days then dropped back to 18, but she said it didn't mean that the prednisone actually stopped working. There were other factors that could have made this happen. There were too many unknowns. The one thing they needed to concentrate on was the fever. There were ways to pinpoint the cause, but sometimes, they are just unknown.

She said my best bet would have been to actually have one vet instead 3 taking care of her. They all had notes, but since all 3 said something different, it would have helped me. She wasn't sure it was FIP. She said, it was possible, but she wasn't so sure that was her problem.. She confirmed she only had 2 of the 4 symptoms, like the other doctor told me. Since she tested negative for the other fatal diseases, it came back to her having Anemia. The anemia signs are similar to FIP. That alone actually could have killed her. But, she also could have bounced back had they looked into it more.

I asked about the hernia, and she told me that she didn't believe Meela would have even needed surgery for it because it was small enough to heal on it's own. She told me that if I felt she was suffering and not going to get better that I did the right thing. But if I had any doubt I should not have made that decision right there. She didn't try to make me feel bad or better.

But she confirmed that it may not have been over for Meela. She might have bounced back. She reminded me that it didn't change where we are today, which I know. But Meela might have survived this. That was the hope I carried from the first return to the vet hospital. I feel like I lost all hope in that last hour. I gave up on her. I didn't fight hard enough. I panicked from what that Tech told me. He gave me a worst case scenario that I couldn't get out of my head. he never should have said anything like that to me..he should have waited for the vet to come in.

While I thank all of you for your kind words, I don't see how I will ever change how I feel about what I did. I just have to find a way to live with what I did. I will never believe I was justified in taking her life - Not on that day.

I should have stuck to my original plan of going home and giving it a couple days. I planned on talking with the vet about where things were and what the options were...I planned on taking her home. In that small amount of time, I lost track of what that plan was.

Anyway, I was doing better yesterday and this morning. I know what the reality of all this is. She is gone and never coming back. I feel so sorry for everyone who goes through this pain. It is horrendous!

 

[di and bob]

 

[meelasmom]

Your emoji looks like you understand my pain now. It's not just the loss, it's the guilt. It's the possibilities I overlooked and lost in fear.

I am ok though. As hard as this is. I will survive. I am a strong person. I am not melting into puddles.... as much. I miss her so very much, but also can go to her grave and talk to her. I have so many regrets and so much guilt. I am trying to work through it. I am no good to my other babies like this. Although, Meeka saw me crying on Sunday and so sweetly placed his paw on my shoulder and liked my tears away...

Can you see why I am carrying so much heartbreak? I was surprised the other vet talked to me at all. I mean, what would it change? Nothing, really. But she was honest and didn't tell me what she thought I needed to hear. I am grateful for that and I have my own confirmation that I was wrong. I acted without a lot of thought, or much thought. At that time, I only had fear. Fear of the unknown.

I wasn't justified in my actions and because of that, she is gone. I will never, ever be put in that position again. My other babies need me and I know Meela is in Heaven waiting for me. She is one of God's creatures, so she HAS to be there. I know she is looking down on me. She wouldn't understand my pain or tears.

That poem on her picture frame actually helps some...it's part where it says not to cry any more. It's a beautiful tribute to a beautiful sweet angel.

My thoughts Abby having more babies is that it will take my mind off where I have been and have something else to look forward to. There will never be another Meela..ever. But there could be another white girl with a blue and green eye. She could be the opposite of Meela or even just have certain quirks that remind me of her, but it's something to look forward to. I know she will never be replaced. I wouldn't want to do that anyway. I believe it will be good focusing my attention somewhere else. that's all. She will always have a piece of my heart and there will always be a hole in my heart for where she was. I truly believe it well help me move on from this pain I am in the the guilt I carry might lessen some.

 

[meelasmom]

Sadly and so regretfully, today marks ONE MONTH since I lost my Meela. Winksmom, I hope you are doing ok since it's also one month for you, as well.

I can't believe it's been ONE MONTH. I miss my little angel so very much and the pain has been unbearable. My chest aches for her and for the guilt. I think each day I get a little stronger, but the pain is still there. I loved her so much. I am so sorry Meela...I wish I had done things differently and if I could go back you have to know that I would have taken you home.

I will always love and miss you, my perfect little one.

 

[Antonio65]

Time does fliy, ONE MONTH!
And the pain is still hard to bear, probably it will never get easier.
Today is five weeks since Lola left me, and this morning I had one of the worst days so far.
They told that time is a good healer but it seems to me that things are going worse and worse.

Meela knows you loved her and still love her, hopefully you will come to terms with her loss and you will forgive yourself for what you think has been a betrayal on her.
They say that the sense of guilt is part of the grieving process, that it is natural. I hope you will proceed to the next step as soon as possible!

Hugs to you and kisses to Meela.

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you Antonio. I don't know how I get through some days. There just so much guilt and pain.

I do know Meela loved me. I was her "person". I just miss her so much and 10 months is much too young. None of this was her fault...She got sick and was just supposed to get better after the surgery. I wish I gave her more time.

Hugs to you and what you are going through, as well.

 

[IndyJones]

You are not alone. I lost Hector in January and I still miss her.

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you Indy...The pain will always be there, I know...I just wish I was handling it better. Hugs to you for your loss, too.

 

[meelasmom]

I find myself having a few better days here and there, but am still grieving a lot. I miss her SO much. I really wish I could go back to April 4th. I know I can't. But my heart is still so heavy. Day by day....

 

[Antonio65]

When she was turning her head to find me and to look at me as he gave her the first shot, absolutely breaks my heart. It's an image I can't get out of my head. It wasn't comfort, it was confusion. She didn't know what was going on.

These few words crushed my heart
They make it clear to everybody how you feel and how deep your depseration is.

What gets me is that the vet told you that they could have done something more and probably things would have done differently. It's like stabbing you twice, how insensitive of them.

None of us will be ever perfectly sure to have chosen the right moment for the most terrible thing one has to face. So each of us could have a bit of sense of guilt for what they have done, no matter how severe their cat's condition was.

 

[meelasmom]

Thank you Antonio. I am glad you can understand my anger, guilt and heartbreak. I wanted the last vet to be honest..."don't tell me what you think I need to hear". At least i didn't feel like I was going crazy. I knew what I felt and thought was real, especially in the part of neither party doing as much as they could. I don't see me taking another animal back there. I have a couple cats that should be fixed, but I am scared to death to do it after this. I don't ever want to be put in that situation again. Also, another thing that bothered me was that they gave her a rabies vaccination without my consent. How did they know I didn't already have her vaccinated? They just did it. I read that sometimes those vaccinations can cause illness in a cat too. They were good to us to a point, but they should have known better to just talk to me and offer the other options and do as much as they could. They saw my pain, my love for her and my fear.

I also know that she might have died in the long run anyway, that day was not the day it should have happened, if at all. I know that in my heart. I guess I could say I am now at peace with the fact she is gone. That cannot be changed, no matter how much I wish I could go back. I miss her terribly and find myself still crying or just plain sobbing at times in my grief for losing her. She was so very special to me. Like I said, her being deaf left me to be her "person", that one she depended on the most. It still tears me up, but I am doing better, a little bit anyway, each day. Thank you for your kind words.

I hope you are also doing better with your loss.

 

[meelasmom]

It's been 5 weeks and one day. Today was ok but then thoughts of my Meela crept into my head. The guilt is still there. I don't see me ever not feeling this way. I miss her so much. Even writing this, I can't help but cry. I was so wrong. That day should not have been her last. Her one year birthday is coming up and she should be here.

Why? Why down due have to get sick in the first place? Why didn't I stick my plan? Why did any of this have to happen?