i adopted a cat, and didnt bond with her

[sandykitty]

 My 19 year old cat crossed the Rainbow Bridge March 16th and I was left with my other 7 year old cat feeling lonely.   I  probably jumped and adopted too soon, but I adopted a 1 year old female that just had babies and was spayed and a stray.  She seemed ok at the shelter, and they said she was fine with other  cats.

Well, I had a her a whole 9 days and decided she wasn't for me and brought her back today  I felt horrible about it, but she just  wasn't the kind of kitty I had thought she would be.

She didn't want to be petted or picked up, she didn't come by me, she didn't go by the other cat, and she pretty much just slept in the corners of my house mostly.  She didnt seem this way at the shelter, Then when she did want to have a little pat on the head, she would try to bite me and she started going at my ankles. I actually felt a bit nervous around her and maybe she picked up on that.

I just didn't feel right about her- and now I feel awful about the whole thing.

Now I have my other cat wondering what the heck is going one, first his pal dies and then I get another one, and she goes away... will he be ok?I don't think I can get another cat right now but I don't want him miserable.   He pretty much grew up with the older cat.

I hope the other kitty can get a new home with someone is home all day and not working, and no other cat.  I hope she get adopted as   tonight I feel awful thinking of her back in a cage..

Did I do the right thing I don't know, but I was stressing myself out over it,

So how long do I wait to try again, and what do I get, a kitten or an older cat a male this time?  

All too much for me to take in.

 

[Columbine]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If you were scared of the newly adopted cat then you did right to return her. She can't be expected to relax if you're tens and worried. It probably was just too soon for you.

As to when and what to adopt, when the time comes you'll know, and you'll know the cat/kitten too.

For now, some Feliway diffusers might help calm your cat and mitigate some of the stress. Bach's Rescue Remedy can also prove useful for bereavement - for animals and humans. There may be an appropriate Spirit Essence from Jackson Galaxy's range too, but I have no personal experience of them.

For now, allow yourself to grieve if you need to, and enjoy the cat you still have. When the time is right, you'll know.

 

[sandykitty]

Thanks for the advice.   I just cant help feeling horrible about all of this.   As crazy as it sounds....my cat I still have may even be fine, maybe its just ME that thinks he isn't??   Although, he has never been a 1 cat household...so not sure.

And yes, its been not even 2 months since I lost my older cat- maybe we both need time alone.

Those items you suggested, where do you get them? Online?? 

 

[Columbine]

Bach's Rescue Remedy can sometimes be found in health food shops or pharmacies (in the uk anyway), as well as online. Spirit Essences are online too http://www.spiritessences.com/?Click=3511

 

[MoochNNoodles]

It does sound like it was too soon for you.  

Bonds take time to form.

  For many cats; it takes longer than that for them to become comfortable enough to let their personalities show.  Next time; perhaps working with a rescue that has fostered cats would be a good idea. The foster parent might be able to give you a better idea of the cat's personalitiy, likes and dislikes.  Doing some reading on cat introductions might help give you ideas too.  

In the meantime; enjoy spending time with your current kitty.  Love on each other; till your sure you are ready to commit to another. 

 

[sandykitty]

Thank you -am so stressed by all this, and feel bad for my current kitty- he just seems so lonely.  I did look on line about introducing cats, and  really didn't follow them my current cat is so  friendly, he just wants a house mate.   I live in an apartment so I don't have a lot of room to keep a cat in for a week until they used to it.  I'd have to figure something out.

Do you think my current cat will be ok until I get another one?  I worry so about him- as he's a very personal cat.

I know, I'm stressing about this big time!

 

[Columbine]

I'm sure your current cat will be ok. Cats grieve too, remember. Flower essences (such as jackson galaxy's spirit essences range) should help him adjust to being an only cat for a while. I've found flower essences really helpful with animals, and particularly with animal bereavement.

If you really can't do the formal introduction process you may be better off with a kitten (who is likely to adapt to its new surroundings more easily than an adult). Failing that, being really specific with a shelter may help you find a cat who will quickly fit in to your home.

A large dog crate can be helpful for initial introductions if you haven't the facility to designate a whole room. Better, though, would be site swapping between the bedroom and the rest of your home -just switch the cats over every 24 hrs so they each get a chance to spend the night with you. Good luck finding a new addition to your fur family. When the time is right the perfect cat will present itself.

 

[misterwhiskers]

I think you need time to grieve. Do you think it's possible the new kitty smelled your rainbow kitty and was stressed because she couldn't locate her?

I once had a cat I couldn't bond with. My sister insisted I go to the shelter the day I buried my beloved cat...she had already picked her out, and I felt ambushed and resentful. She meant well, but I could not give the cat what she wanted, and God knows she was a great cat, who clearly bonded with me. Sadly it never did work the other way around. And yes I felt guilty, til I realized you know what? I did my best. As did you.

 

[sandykitty]

Hi all! Just wanted to say I am adopting a kitten! He was found at a trailer park with 5 others. My sister is a vet tech and took him in and bottle fed him. I watched him this weekend and love him! He's only 5 weeks old and I'm a little bit nervous to have him full time. What do I do with him while at work? I live in a small apartment without central air so leaving him in a room is not an option. I purchased a small 2 youth tent and had him in there for sleeping over the weekend, but can he be in there for 8 hours while at work?
He's still wanting the bottle somewhat too so I'm a bit scared to take him so soon. Any advice! And so far my other cat is just hissing but he is curious and watches him.!

 

[Columbine]

You might want to post about your newbie the the pregnant cats and kittens forum. That's the best place to get advice for young ones.

 

[misty8723]

We went thought something similar.  Our cats were together the entire time we had them, and when Cindy went to the bridge last year it was evident Swanie was very sad.  We were also missing having two cats who got along. We went to the shelter and looked at the cats and I allowed DH to pick because Cindy was his heart kitty. We wanted a friend for Swanie and for him as well.  I wasn't sold on the cat he picked, but okay. She was very sweet to us, but after 2 weeks it was very clear that she bullying Swanie.  Swanie was hiding in the closet, wouldn't come out and she was attacking him with no provocation.  So we made the decision to take her back.  It's not an easy decision to make, but sometimes it's better for both the new cat and your resident cat rather than try to force them to get along.

Hopefully, it's a good shelter and they'll find the right home for your returned kitty.  The one we took back, eventually she was adopted by a guy who was looking for an only cat and thought she was just perfect.  If we had

kept her and tried to make it work, I would have come to resent her (I already was) because Swanie is my heart kitty and it just broke my heart to see him afraid and hiding in his own home. And she was a sweet adorable cat to us, so she deserved a chance to find her perfect home too.

Good luck!

 

[BonitaBaby]

Hopefully, it's a good shelter and they'll find the right home for your returned kitty.  The one we took back, eventually she was adopted by a guy who was looking for an only cat and thought she was just perfect. 

I'm glad this cat found a good home as an only cat. I hope the one year old female cat does also. Both of them remind me of my cat who is territorial and can be aggressive sometimes. For anyone reading this who is thinking about adopting a shelter or rescue cat and who has a certain type of cat they want, please don't just take a kitty based on what the shelter says. Probably go back to visit a second or even a third time. It is probably traumatic for most cats to be taken to a strange place and then returned back to the shelter and then the cat might seem less desirable or like there's something wrong with him/her because he/she was returned. I actually almost returned my rescue cat that I adopted 9.5 months ago. I had wanted a certain type of cat and a certain look because I was looking to get my own version of one of sister's cats. I asked if my cat talked and something else, which I've forgotten now. Maybe whether she liked to play or not. But I was told yes by the rescue shelter. My cat doesn't really talk, not at all compared to my sister's very chatty, whiny cat. When my cat talks, she does sound whiny though

 and I think usually something's wrong...like I didn't empty her litter...although I realized after she got really ill that I think she was trying to tell me for a little while that she wasn't feeling well when she was being really vocal, but I didn't get it. 

Anyway, it took me about a week to a week & 1/2 to begin really bonding with her. I'm SO glad that I went online to read what to do with a new cat, especially an adult rescue cat who's not well-socialized. A safe room is really, really important. If your new cat is ready to explore immediately, then great! Otherwise, the new adult cat really needs a safe room for at least a few days. Maybe even longer. However long until he or she is ready to explore. I had thought my cat would run out of her carrier when I brought her home since I thought she'd be ecstatic to live in her own apartment indoors, but in reality, she had no idea who I was or what I was going to do with her. She didn't know I was going to try to spoil her and pamper her and baby her. She needed her rescue room for almost a week before I let her out after she became more comfortable and started acting curious about what was on the other side of the door to her safe room. I was keeping her in the spare bedroom and just visiting her from time to time and sitting on the floor and speaking happily and soothingly to her as well as bringing new toys for her. She looked hostile at the shelter, then was on alert and cautious when I brought her home, but ready to be aggressive in case I turned out to be a threat. I let her go at her own pace, was patient, didn't bother her but spent time with her, and she turned into a real sweetie and we really have bonded so well!!! 

She used to bite immediately when I'd pet her from her head to her back. I would try to just pet her head to not get bitten, but I'd forget often. Now she only bites me when she doesn't want to be pet and I'm bothering her. She lets me pet her from her head to her tail and even arches her back now to welcome me petting her. ^_^ If you had told me that would happen when I first met her, I would have said no way! Also, she didn't want to play with me at first with wand toys, etc. but now she plays with me instead of trying to claim the toy and keep it. I think she understands now that I'm not trying to take "her" toy, but instead trying to play with her. But I didn't feel a bond with her right away. I resigned myself to just having a cat that I was going to take care of and feed, etc. Then, one night, she licked me incredibly hard on my arm and woke me up and scared me. I thought she was going to bite me next -- a serious bite so I was going to return her. Fortunately, it was the middle of the night, otherwise, I think I would have put her back into her carrier and driven 1.5 hours back to the rescue shelter I had adopted her from and returned her. Instead, I locked her out of my bedroom and the next day, I posted on this forum which greatly helped me. I "gave her another chance" and I'm SO glad because we started really, seriously bonding after that and now she's my perfect kitty!!! I think she would have been returned by other people if they had adopted her, but she is perfect for me!!!  

In your situation, you have another cat, which greatly complicates the matter, so it sounds like the kitten is a good way to go instead of an adult cat. Also, like another poster pointed out, that female cat might have smelled the other cat everywhere as well as having to deal with the cat you have. So my post is really for other people who read this thread and are thinking of adopting a cat or feeling like they're not bonding with their cat right away.

 

[misty8723]

 
I'm glad this cat found a good home as an only cat. I hope the one year old female cat does also. Both of them remind me of my cat who is territorial and can be aggressive sometimes. For anyone reading this who is thinking about adopting a shelter or rescue cat and who has a certain type of cat they want, please don't just take a kitty based on what the shelter says. Probably go back to visit a second or even a third time. It is probably traumatic for most cats to be taken to a strange place and then returned back to the shelter and then the cat might seem less desirable or like there's something wrong with him/her because he/she was returned. I actually almost returned my rescue cat that I adopted 9.5 months ago. I had wanted a certain type of cat and a certain look because I was looking to get my own version of one of sister's cats. I asked if my cat talked and something else, which I've forgotten now. Maybe whether she liked to play or not. But I was told yes by the rescue shelter. My cat doesn't really talk, not at all compared to my sister's very chatty, whiny cat. When my cat talks, she does sound whiny though

 and I think usually something's wrong...like I didn't empty her litter...although I realized after she got really ill that I think she was trying to tell me for a little while that she wasn't feeling well when she was being really vocal, but I didn't get it. 

.

I wouldn't have taken her back if there was a chance of her not being treated well, put down, or thought of as less desirable. We gave them a detailed write-up of how she behaved in our house, both the good (most of it) and not so good (attacking Swanie). And we made them promise to us know when she got adopted.  The Director told us later something to the effect of "boy, she REALLY doesn't like other cats."   I'm sure it is traumatic for them to be shuffled around, but that happens when they are fostered too.  Imagine being a kitten and you have a home with all your siblings.  Pretty soon, all your siblings are gone one by one, and you have no idea where they went.  Then you get put into a carrier and taken some place where they put you in a cage for two weeks and then dump you in a room with a bunch of other cats.  And then some nice person comes along and adopts you, so you are off yet again to someplace else.  (That scenario was my little Darcy.  I often wonder if the stress of all that change is what caused the corona virus to mutate into FIP in her).

You probably should check up on what kind of shelter you are dealing with before adopting in the first place, and what their policy is regarding returns.  Also, you can't be sure what kind of cat you are getting even if you visit several times.  Cricket is a perfect example.  We "courted" her for well over a month after first meeting her.  We were taken with her, but she was behind in the program because she didn't eat when she first got there, so we had to wait for her to be spayed (once a month clinic).  Then when the day came around, the volunteer from the night before forgot to take up her food bowl so they couldn't take her for the spay.  Because they knew we wanted her, they arranged to have her spayed without having to wait until the next month.  In the meantime, we visited her a couple times a week, either taking her into the meet and greet room if it was free or in the back.  She was very friendly when she was in her cage but didn't come forward to be petting, and very scared and shy when out of it.  Wherever you put her, there she would stay, or maybe squash up next to your leg.  One day she actually got up and walked slowly around the room and we were very happy.  DH even said he had been concerned maybe she couldn't walk or something.  The last week after her spay waiting for the okay to take her home, we visited just about every evening.  They would see us come in, wave, and say go on back!  My point to all this is, we thought once we got her home it would be a long process to try to get her out of her shell, but guess what?  She was a little bit cautious for a few days, slept under the bed to feel secure when she wanted to sleep, but otherwise very friendly and playful.  She talks to us with a lot of meows, purrs, chirps, trills, etc.  Loves to play.  Loves to hang out with Swanie (our other cat), etc.  She's not a lap cat or a cuddler (which would have been nice), but she's sweet, friendly, adorable, and I think we made the right choice.

Also, you can visit with a cat for a few minutes and know she is the "one."  That was my little Darcy, we petted her for a couple minutes in her little bed and fell in love. And Darcy was totally perfect.  Swanie, too. He grabbed my heart right away and still has it 10 years later.

 

[BonitaBaby]

@Misty8723,  your situation sounds very different from mine. I sound like the guy who adopted the cat that didn't work out for you and thought it was my perfect kitty. Both that guy and me have only cats. With other resident cats, it's a really different situation . But as you said, you were ready for it to be a "long process" with your Cricket and she pleasantly didn't need a long time. Some other people are not ready to be patient and just want the cat to act a certain way immediately or within a matter of hours and can't seem to even wait days. I'm not talking about the original poster either. I just wanted to point out 1) not to necessarily listen to the shelter people if they answer your questions with yeses (because they want the cat to be adopted), 2) visit more than once (unless you know that cat is "the one" or you're prepared to work with the cat), 3) be patient and be prepared to give the new cat some time to feel safe and comfortable, including preparing a safe room in case it's needed. If the cat doesn't need it, then great. But even a biter like my cat was can soon turn into a real sweetie if you give him or her time! 

 If I hadn't had a safe room for my cat when I brought her home, I'm positive the whole bonding process would have taken a lot longer and been much more difficult. She probably would have gone and hid under my bed and starved for longer than a few days. I was patient, which I wouldn't have been when I was younger and my main focus was on making her comfortable instead of her making me happy. Also, you accepted your Cricket even though she's not a lap cat or a cuddler. I would love a whiny, constant talker, but I accept my cat as she is. Some people just want a certain cat (like I did), ask the shelter some quick questions (like I did), the shelter says yes, and then the people act like and think something's wrong with the cat for not being exactly what they want. Fortunately for me, I love my cat (after starting to bond with her after ~ a week and 1/2) so I don't mind that she is not the talker I was trying to adopt and I don't mind that she doesn't knead me/make biscuits on me. Even after a week and 1/2, the bonding process continued on in stages until I really, really love her now, but it wasn't an immediate or quick process. She is my perfect kitty and it took time for us to bond. If someone's adopting a cat from a kill shelter, then returning the cat...it's very different from say someone fostering for a rescue shelter and then returning the cat or kitten to the rescue shelter. 

 

[misty8723]

@Bonitababy  - I''m glad you found your perfect kitty!.  And it's like I said, you can't tell until they're in your house for a while what their true personality is.  In 2005, we adopted two cats from a shelter. We didn't spend a lot of time with either of them, especially Cynthia.  We knew we wanted Swanie and knew we wanted a second kitty. It was late, I didn't see any cats that struck my fancy until the adoption counselor said "what about Cynthia?" She was a gorgeous dilute Calico who flopped over on her side, purred, and kneaded. We had overlooked her because she was in the back of her cage. We took her.  She was a project, I think she had been abused in the past. She hid under the bed and we spent a lot of time lying by the side of the bed talking to her, singing to her, pushing treats to her trying to get her to eat.  It was several weeks before she felt comfortable enough to be out, but she was sweet as can be, loved to be petted. She was afraid to get on the furniture until I had a talk with her, telling her that she was more important than any furniture. She wasn't sure about Swanie, although he went up right away and introduced herself, he got whacked for his effort. (Not in the same way the other cat, it was just a back off dude kind of swat).  He kept trying, she kept resisting, they wrestled one day and were great friends ever after. I think she adopted him, taught him how to jump, was his advocate at pill time, etc.  She also over time became very close to DH, hanging out with him, following him around, sleeping on him, kneading on him, etc.  She also didn't meow a lot at first, but she had so many different sounds it was awesome.  We all miss her so much, especially DH.  I guess my point is that maybe somewhere along the line your kitty will start talking more and start kneading on you - you never know.  Also, that we knew if we were patient with Cricket, we could end up reaping a ton of benefit for it.

 

[misty8723]

Hi all! Just wanted to say I am adopting a kitten! He was found at a trailer park with 5 others. My sister is a vet tech and took him in and bottle fed him. I watched him this weekend and love him! He's only 5 weeks old and I'm a little bit nervous to have him full time. What do I do with him while at work? I live in a small apartment without central air so leaving him in a room is not an option. I purchased a small 2 youth tent and had him in there for sleeping over the weekend, but can he be in there for 8 hours while at work?
He's still wanting the bottle somewhat too so I'm a bit scared to take him so soon. Any advice! And so far my other cat is just hissing but he is curious and watches him.!

@sandykitty

I don't know anything about the best way to raise a kitten, but I just wanted to say congratulations and best of luck!  Could he stay at the vet office where your sister works, at least while you're at work?  I think she would probably be able to give you some good advice on how to care for him.  What have you named him?

 

[sandykitty]

At the vet where my sister works he is kept in a cage all day..so I think the tent is better in some ways, he has more room to move around.

He seemed fine when I got home, he ran around like crazy!  I named    him "Joey".

 

[BonitaBaby]

 
@Bonitababy  - I''m glad you found your perfect kitty!.  And it's like I said, you can't tell until they're in your house for a while what their true personality is.  In 2005, we adopted two cats from a shelter. We didn't spend a lot of time with either of them, especially Cynthia.  We knew we wanted Swanie and knew we wanted a second kitty. It was late, I didn't see any cats that struck my fancy until the adoption counselor said "what about Cynthia?" She was a gorgeous dilute Calico who flopped over on her side, purred, and kneaded. We had overlooked her because she was in the back of her cage. We took her.  She was a project, I think she had been abused in the past. She hid under the bed and we spent a lot of time lying by the side of the bed talking to her, singing to her, pushing treats to her trying to get her to eat.  It was several weeks before she felt comfortable enough to be out, but she was sweet as can be, loved to be petted. She was afraid to get on the furniture until I had a talk with her, telling her that she was more important than any furniture. She wasn't sure about Swanie, although he went up right away and introduced herself, he got whacked for his effort. (Not in the same way the other cat, it was just a back off dude kind of swat).  He kept trying, she kept resisting, they wrestled one day and were great friends ever after. I think she adopted him, taught him how to jump, was his advocate at pill time, etc.  She also over time became very close to DH, hanging out with him, following him around, sleeping on him, kneading on him, etc.  She also didn't meow a lot at first, but she had so many different sounds it was awesome.  We all miss her so much, especially DH.  I guess my point is that maybe somewhere along the line your kitty will start talking more and start kneading on you - you never know.  Also, that we knew if we were patient with Cricket, we could end up reaping a ton of benefit for it.

Yes, you can't know until you take a kitty home for a while what he or she will be like, but I am just a big advocate of not spontaneously adopting cats if you're set on a particular type of cat. Not you, personally. I think quickly picking out a kitty works more if you're open to accepting the kitty as he or she is. Also, I'm a big advocate of safe rooms for new cats in case they need them. After getting to know my kitty, I think (but obviously do not know for sure) that if I had not given her a safe room, she would have hidden from me for a good month and I would have been dissatisfied with her...I figure people wanting to adopt a cat or feeling like they're not bonding with their new cat might search and find this thread, so I just wanted to share my experience of patience and a safe room to first make your new cat comfortable, then bonding with the kitty gradually, that you might wind up feeling like you got the perfect kitty for you. Of course, I could have adopted a completely different kitty instead and might still feel now that I had the perfect kitty...if that makes any sense.