I Acted In Haste, Now I'm Stuck

[Antonio65]

Hi everybody.
I don't know why I'm writing this, perhaps I just need to vent.

When 19 months ago Lola went to the Bridge, I fell into a deep desperation. The only thing that was keeping me going was that Pallina was still needing me. Her HT had been diagnosed a few months earlier, I had to fight for her.
When 2 months ago Pallina went to the Bridge too, my desperation was complete and the light around me turned off. It was all so dark.

For a series of coincidences it happened that I rescued about 20 kittens over 9 weeks.
One of them was hospitalized at a practice near home for about two weeks. In the cage next to hers I spotted a wonderful black kitten which I immediately fell in love with. What made me fall in love with her was that she was very similar to my sweet Lola, but also the fact that she had a number of physical and health issues that would need the right level of care.
I thought that having her with me and taking care of her would have relieved my depression and made me feel useful again.

Due to some circumstances, too long to be explained here, I wasn't able to have her, so in a desperate attempt to save myself from the darkness, and to give a kitten a chance, I decided to take the kitten I had rescued home.
She is as sweet as the sugar itself, and loves me to bits, she's cute and has a wonderful coat color, but despite all these wonderful features, I couldn't feel much for her, and I wrote a post about this
Tell Me That The Love Will Come
because my heart and my mind were still with the black kitten I couldn't have.
At least this is what I thought.

About 10 days later, a condition changed and I was able to have the black kitten too. So I rushed to the vet to have her. I thought that things would turn to the best, at last.

I soon realized that even with the black kitten I had been dreaming of for weeks, I wasn't happy yet. In fact, I was even sadder, if this is possible.

I've had her for 5 days now and I feel that my feelings aren't improving and I think I did the wrong move. I think I acted in haste, on the wave of an emotional breakdown, rather than on a rational thought.

When I had Lola and Pallina I was doing everything they needed and my heart was bursting with joy. Everything I was doing for them had to be done at the utmost. Not a single second of my time dedicated to their needs was felt as a wasted time. They were the light in my life.
I devoted my entire last 18 years to them and I would have done the same things for the next 180 years.

Now, with these two kittens, I feel that I just can't do it.
I don't feel anything for them, and the worst part of this story is that I almost consider them as a bother.
Don't get me wrong, I'm giving them all they need. Good food, fresh water, clean litter, the meds they need everytime they need. I'm investing money in them, and I don't regret it, they have been seen by the vet a couple of times each. But still I'm doing all this without heart, without feeling, without all myself.
Furthermore they do not get along. The first kitten is constantly attacking the black kitten, who isn't allowed to eat, drink or use the litter when the other one is around. The black kitten is scared, doesn't move, hides
For their own sake and for the safety of the black kitten, I have to keep them in two separate rooms when we're away or at night, but the first kitten has the worst room of the two, so I feel she's penalized for most of the day, and this isn't fair!

At this point I don't think it's just a matter of time to feel something for them.
What I think is that I wanted to rush things and feel the same love and devotion that I had for Lola and Pallina, but this time it's different. It isn't working. It never will, I feel it.
No cat will ever be able to make me feel the same love, and I have learned it the hard way.
Now I feel I'm stuck with two kittens I can't love, and probably I don't even want them. I believe I didn't need another cat in my life.
Perhaps what I needed was just to keep grieving. I think my heart is locked now, and the key to it has been lost.

Before having the black kitten, I couldn't sleep fine, the thought of her in that cage instead than in my arms was killing me.
Now I can't sleep fine because I know I'm in a mess I can't get out of.

What can I do now?

 

[Docs Mom]

I feel for you, having experienced similar emotions when I would lose one of my Felv kitties.
I always wanted to find the survivor a friend. It would take awhile, eventually I grew to love the new kitten too.. It always seemed my favorites had a shorter time with me.
Not the same I know...you had your girls for 18 long years.
I just wish for you some peace. Maybe your girls sent these kittens too you.

Hugs,
Lisa and her 7 Felv angels...

 

[bodester413]

I can relate to how you feel. Years and years went by between having to put my first cat Tigger to sleep and adopting my second cat Bodhi. I remember at first it seemed like everything Bodhi did would remind me of Tigger then I would get this sinking sad feeling and relive having to put her down. It took awhile but eventually when enough time went by all the unique happy things that happened with Bodhi started to make me feel better. I felt like I had a history with him....Know what I Mean? At first it was like he was competing with a cat I had for 16 years....which is a long time and a lot of memories. It was like I needed to fill up my brain with new happy memories with Bodhi and the more time that went by the more memories of him I had.

You'll eventually feel love for your cats. I think when people are grieving their brain tries to prevent them from feeling love as a weird way of protecting them...at least that's what I've found in my life as far as grieving for pets and family members I've lost. It just takes time.

 

[Ladewyn]

First of all, you are allowed to rehome them. If you feel like you rushed in and aren't ready and need more time to heal, you aren't doing anything wrong by finding them a new home. Everyone mourns differently; for some they can open their hearts immediately to a new pet, for others, it may take years before they're ready.

I would say you should be seeing a professional for your depression, if possible. It sounds like you're really struggling, and getting counselling may be a massive help for you.

 

[artiemom]

All I can say is: (((hugs))) and more ((Hugs)))

I have no solutions... I really don't..

I feel your pain. Please allow yourself time to grieve both Pallina and Lola...

and just spend time with the new ones.. time without thinking... just be...

I do not know how to advise regarding them not getting along.. and poor Kiki getting beat up.. Morgana is jealous of you giving her the attention she feels she needs..

Just spend time with each cat, separately.. and see how it goes.. scent swap towels .. make Kiki a safe spot... where she is not feeling so defensive, and easily attacked..

With Kiki's disabilities, that may be hard to do... normally one cat is a climber and the other is a floor being.. shelve for the weaker one usually help, but........

I do not know....

 

[di and bob]

You are lost and grieving and desperately grasped at what you thought would magically turn your world to light once more. Now you have found that it doesn't work that way, there are no shortcuts though grief and learning to love again, you can't force love, and you can't force your soul to look forward into a future without your past loves. You have allowed yourself to die with them so no longer have the feelings you think you should feel. But you CAN live again, you CAN love again. I know because I was there too.
It's only been two months, and years of desperately holding on, and failing to hold back the one thing that none of us ever will....death. Time is the only thing that helps to heal, that puts distance between what you are feeling now and ever so slowly allows your soul to heal. You know that Lola and Pallina would NEVER want you to be so depressed because they left. Especially after they each spent 17 wonderful years with you, a long lifetime for a cat, and want that love to continue on, for you to be thankful for having them in your life, not wanting to go with them. How do I know this? Because that is what love is, only wanting the best in life for the one you love, not wanting them to spend the rest of their life in sorrow and tears, to be so wrapped up in the past that they can't go forward into the future, to never open their heart again and truly live once more. What you shared will always be special, will always be a part of you.
For right now you just need to get through the next hour, the day, one day at a time. Don't think about what you SHOULD be feeling, don't compare what you had to anything you have now, there is no comparison, each is unique and irreplaceable. Love is like a flower, it needs care to grow, to be the best it can be. Then it flowers and gives you the greatest joy because it is beautiful to the soul. It rewards you for your time and care, just like your past love. But like all things in nature, no matter how much you try, the life cycle ends and the flower dies. Only to come back the next year, maybe a little different, never the same, but it does come back. And nature's cycle lives on. You'll always remember that first flower but you enjoy and savor the new one too, you still nurture and care for the new one.
Right now you have to get through the day. Keep busy, there is nothing worse than just sitting and dwelling on what can never be. You have to FORCE yourself to to continue on because whether you believe it or not there are others in your life who love you, your family, your wife, those two new babies who are trying their hardest to make you love them. You will have to find things you take simple pleasures in and do them. Take a walk in a park, take a drive and visit someone who enjoys your company. Get away, not to think of your losses, but to get down on your knees and be thankful for knowing that kind of love and to ask to be able to open your heart again. You are a good person, and we have come to care for you, to love your caring heart for those sweet creatures and the lengths you go through to care for them, to love them. ... I pray you can start again, you can learn to live again. But you have to start small. Don't feel in a way because you feel you should, feel that way because you want to. Be thankful you can see those sweet babies play and get to know each other. That you have hands to give them care, that you have a heart that one day will add their love to what is already there, because I know it will happen, one day.......may God in His mercy bring peace to your soul, may He show you the way, may He open your eyes to how rich you really are and that you have a purpose in life, that you are loved, and needed so much.......and that there is a tomorrow that will start with a beautiful sunrise and a new beginning.Take care.......

 

[Antonio65]

Love is like a flower, it needs care to grow, to be the best it can be. Then it flowers and gives you the greatest joy because it is beautiful to the soul. It rewards you for your time and care, just like your past love. But like all things in nature, no matter how much you try, the life cycle ends and the flower dies. Only to come back the next year, maybe a little different, never the same, but it does come back. And nature's cycle lives on. You'll always remember that first flower but you enjoy and savor the new one too, you still nurture and care for the new one.

I believe this is the most wonderful example I have ever read in my life
This should be written everywhere, sounds like a wise passage from the excellent book "The Little Prince".
Thank you!

 

[Antonio65]

You'll eventually feel love for your cats. I think when people are grieving their brain tries to prevent them from feeling love as a weird way of protecting them...at least that's what I've found in my life as far as grieving for pets and family members I've lost. It just takes time.

Because everybody is different, I might think that it could not happen to me. But who am I to say that it is not true?
I hope things will go like you say.
Thanks!

 

[Antonio65]

First of all, you are allowed to rehome them. If you feel like you rushed in and aren't ready and need more time to heal, you aren't doing anything wrong by finding them a new home.

Actually I'm not allowed to rehome both the kittens. The second one has been given to me by a rescue, so I should return her to them.

I would say you should be seeing a professional for your depression, if possible. It sounds like you're really struggling, and getting counselling may be a massive help for you.

Well, I don't trust doctors, and I do not believe in psychology, so I'm not so keen on being seen by one of them
But I believe that talking with others is helping already.

 

[Antonio65]

make Kiki a safe spot... where she is not feeling so defensive, and easily attacked..

The only safe spot that she has found is under the furniture!
I keep driving her out from under everything she fits.

 

[di and bob]

Antonio,you know that if you brought them back, then you would feel sorrow and guilt too. You would always have those should haves, could haves, the same you are feeling now. If it were me, I would concentrate on making them get along. On research and patience. You might never find love in your heart for them, but they already have love for you and that isn't bad. Each little victory will bring you closer together, I know I swore that I would never have another cat, I have three, and somehow they wormed their way into my heart. I didn't encourage it, I didn't want it. It was so gradual it was like getting older!

 

[Saber_Wing]

I feel your pain. When I lost Lilly two years ago, I fell into a deep void of grief, and depression. I had two other cats already, who I loved dearly and needed me to take care of them. But I too, experienced long months worth of apathy. I didn't really care about anything, or anyone.

Feeling the way you do is part of the process. It took me nearly a year to be ready to adopt another cat after I lost her. I think you're expecting too much of yourself, too soon. Be patient with yourself. It's okay to grieve, and to mourn. Your babies were in your life for a very long time. Building something with your new kittens is going to take time. Especially since you're trying so hard to compare them to the babes you just lost. Try to appreciate them for who they are, rather than who they're not. I know how hard that is, when everywhere you look, you still see THEM.

Best of luck with everything! Much love

 

[Antonio65]

di and bob ,
The things between them are getting a little better, but this does not mean I can trust them and leave them alone in the same room unattended, especially because one of them (the first arrived) is still stealing the food form the other kitten's dish. And every now and then she assaults the other one and tries to hurt her.
The cohabitation among us all is getting exhausting.
I keep not feeling anything for them. I keep thinking I took the wrong decision. I'm still convinced I should haven't taken them in. My wife agrees because she is seeing how I'm feeling.
And I don't know how to fix this thing. And for the sake of my mental health, I have to fix it!
I know I might regret it later, but I think I'd rather regret it than living in an uncomfortable position for years. The latter would be much worse!

Saber_Wing ,
I think, I believe, I wasn't ready for such a committment, though I thought I was. I should have thought about it for a longer time, I was guided by a false feeling.
Now it is as I have woken up and seen the reality, and the reality is unsettling, not pleasant at all, and I want to get rid of this nuisance as soon as possible.
I'm feeling like I'm married with a person I do not love, I wouldn't like to live the next years in an unhealthy and unpleasant condition. It wouldn't be fair to anybody.

 

[di and bob]

You are feeling this way because you are not loving yourself right now. You are completely exhausted of any feeling. Only when you are completely empty you will form a vacuum and feelings will start to come back in to your soul. To experience the true meaning of love, to see the dawn of love again, you first have to go through the darkness of grief.
For now, don't make yourself feel anything at all. You are doubting yourself instead of building a relationship. Go through your day ONE DAY AT A TIME. Don't look to the future, it is seldom what we see it as. Leave your past where it belongs, as something you can't change and firmly in the past. Don't drag it into your present. Treat those two innocent little ones as fosters, because that is what they are right now. Try to think, to concentrate on what drew them to you in the first place. You were able, for a few moments, to be in the present. You wanted something in your life again and you concentrated on that. But once you gained your goal ,all the doubts, the past came rushing back and you were right back where you were in the beginning, lost and afraid to live again. You essentially died when your loved ones did. There is no way to stop death, no matter how hard we tried, no matter how hard we want it to be different. You have to know in your heart your loved ones would never want you die with them. That they would never want you to be hurting so bad because of something beyond their, and your control. You have to want to live again....to love again, because of them, they taught you how precious and fleeting life really is. Start with what you have right now, your precious memories, a wife who loves and understands you, and two little innocents who love and need you so much. They are lucky to have you, and you are so blessed to have them. The whole world needs a wonderful person like you, with such a big and compassionate heart. You have so much to live for Antonio, you are loved and needed so much more than you will ever know. Don't worry about what you feel right now, what you don't feel. In time it will come. Everything worth having takes time. For now just keep your mind busy, keep your heart open, and concentrate on the simple joys that the world has to offer, not the pain. One day at a time.......

 

[Furballsmom]

The only safe spot that she has found is under the furniture!
I keep driving her out from under everything she fits.

Speaking of the kittens, if you can, you need to separate them, definitely feed them separately, and let the second one hide - she needs to be able to have a safe spot for her emotional well being.

I personally would suggest that you take the second one back, because it sounds like it's a bit much to take on right now, and both kittens are influenced and impacted by your feelings.

However, if you'd rather not do that, take a look at these and also try some music. Classical harp music is very helpful, and George Handle compositions are nice also;

Kitten Proofing Your Home: 13 Practical Tips

How To Get A Cat To Come Out Of Hiding?

How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide