How to treat a great adoptive family that nonetheless messed up . . .

purrfect mom

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We adopted out 2 kitties to a wonderful family. But whereas they had told me cats would be indoor, apparently not. Had said they would get a wireless control system . . . but they didn't (it's been a year) and one of these 2 amazing kitties was hit by a car. I'm fit to be tied. I'm very mad. Of course they are heartbroken and i know they loved the cats a lot. But it's plain irresponsibility. These are responsible people w responsible jobs. etc. yet they somehow thought the cat would never come to harm outside. Am unclear at moment whether the cats were regularly let out or whether cat got out accidentally. Now --that is, after 1 cat dead - they're saying they're going to buy this wireless control system. they have no $ problems. I do not trust the wireless system to keep other cat safe, as I've pointed out, from coyotes or dogs. They would not have taken the risks w/their kids that they took w/this precious kitty. I literally do not know whether I can continue to attend the same church w/them. What to do?
 

Tik cat's mum

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I understand it's hard especially when someone has lied to you. But please don't let this get in the way of your life. Eg. Attending church and such. Like you said you do think they love the cat and it would be awesome if they'd learned from the first mistake. If I was you I would voice my concerns politely with a if the reminder that if they had done as promised by keeping cat's indoors this situation wouldn't of happened. Obviously you need to find out if this was some awful accident and the cat excaped first. Other than that you may just have to bite your tongue and take a step back, I'm presuming that they didn't sign a contract and this was a verbal agreement. I really do hope that they listen to your advice. Good luck.
 

di and bob

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I love my cats with all my heart, and though mine are strictly indoors now, I lost my soulmate to the street also. They may be absolutely heartbroken and I'm sure they are. As you stated, give them the benefit of the doubt and assume the cat got out accidentally, or if you find out differently, give them the same respect and comfort you would anyone who has lost a loved one. You adopted these cats out, they were no longer under your control. Accidents DO happen, believe me. You are heartbroken also and anger is a part of the grieving process. Things like this happen in the home also, but to blame the grieving is misplaced, you have to have the intent to have blame and I'm sure they had no intention of anything like this ever happening. ......My heart goes out to you, I do know how much this hurts. You cannot change what happened, but you can hope they have learned something to use in the future.
 
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purrfect mom

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Thanks Tik, Di/Bob; I guess what really makes me mad is that these people are supposedly intelligent. They know better. Or should have. It gets back to them not treating the cats as true family members. Would you let your teenager drive alone on the freeway w/o driving lessons? It's the same as letting out a cat that was raised indoors. Bottom line? They just blithely assumed that everything would "work out." I cannot countenance this sort of risk-taking. They wanted their cake and to eat it too. That is, yes, they wanted to let out the cat and see it romping around in nice weather; but, as anyone knows, coyotes lurk everywhere (maybe not in Manhattan) and cars and cats don't mix. I trusted them. I shouldn't have. In my defense however, they still have a very very old cat, so I would have thought they knew how to raise cats to live long lives.

There is a high ledge in their house and I have always been uncomfortable w/fact that they let the cats up there w/o putting something on the ledge to keep the cats off. I never said anything. Maybe I should.
 

Tik cat's mum

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There is a high ledge in their house and I have always been uncomfortable w/fact that they let the cats up there w/o putting something on the ledge to keep the cats off. I never said anything. Maybe I should. I wouldn't say anything about the high ledge because even though it scares us cat's love to be up high. I understand your anger and disappointment but like di and bob di and bob put it purfectly it's out of your control and you and the cat's owners are grieving right now. It may look like nit picking as you haven't said anything before now. You have to remember also that you aren't to blame for what has happened and had no idea they would not stick to what they told you. I would just stick to the, I thought these cat's would be indoor. Hopefully the realization will set in and they will change their minds about control system.
 
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purrfect mom

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thanks, talien and tik. i guess i keep coming back to word "preventable." The cat was gorgeous as well. It just makes me ill. Accidents can happen, though I think they routinely let the cat out t though they're probably not going to admit it. What did they think was going to happen? No excuse for a cat being in the street who is owned by an extremely financially secure, intelligent family.


The more I think about it I'm actually getting even angrier, as I know how careful we are w/ours. And to just assume the cat is going to stay in the yard is the height of idiocy.


I do know that the cat had a great life. I just don't believe in the philosophy of life, "Oh well, it'll work out; despite all my knowledge to the contrary I'm trusting in the sky and the moon to protect our kitty."


I'm trying to think of ways to channel the feelings into something that will help other cats/owners - perhaps buying catios for low-income people? Anyone like this idea? Anyone know of a nonprofit that could help take this on? I believe that cats should experience the outdoors - but safely. Catios seem to be on the expensive side.
 

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I am so sorry that this happened to you. It would drive me crazy if this happened to an animal I had adopted out. Having said that, when I worked dog rescue there were a few adoptions which went sour. Repeating them all to you won't help. In some cases the dogs escaped from their new home, never to be seen again due to circumstances like you describe where someone either lied or thought that they had a secure property.

We did have a non profit license and an enforceable contract; a few dogs were repossessed if we heard that something was going wrong but I sense that you did not have a contract.

game misconduct game misconduct asks a good question. What does "wireless control" mean to these people. Is it that invisible fencing used for dogs?

https://www.bestreviews.guide/invisible-fence-for-cat

If this link does not work, try to google it. I am personally never sure about this kind of thing as I have known of dogs who escaped it quite easily.

But, as others have said, this is all sadly in the past and nothing will bring the poor cat back. I would probably try to be proactive with these people and offer suggestions about protecting the remaining cat. If you sense that they did lie and basically see cats as animals who want and need to be let out, possibly you can offer to readopt the cat ( very nicely) and spare them the grief of losing the remaining one. It is very possible that these people are very sad about the cat...not trying to demonize them...and maybe they have learned their lesson.
 

Tik cat's mum

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I'm [email protected] purrfect mom I'm in the UK so I'm not familiar with the cat charity's in the US. But I'm sure a quick Google search will bring up those in your area. Maybe you could get some of those tents for cat's that I've seen people post pics of. That way you could talk to the cat charity's about them being given when the cat's are adopted. It would be cheaper then catios so you could help more cat's enjoy the sun safely.
 

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I would not find invisible fencing acceptable. There is no way it can stop a strange dog or coyote coming in and fighting with your dog or chasing them out of the yard. I've known some who would get excited and leapt through the 'fence' then be stuck outside their yard when they were excited enough to ignore the zap to get back in.
 
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purrfect mom

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Thanks, pawsitive! didn't think of that and wouldn't. they really loved/love both cats.
the wireless control system is what they use for dogs to keep them in yard. but after one cat died I don't think you can really trust technology. and i don't think it stops something like a coyote from coming into their yard. I don't know if they really work for cats.

but i would be interested if others' have experience. the thing is, they were talking about this literally a year ago. and they still haven't gotten it? And it's bc they couldn't make it to the high-end pet store 1 mile from their house or order off amazon w/in the last year that the kitty i raised for its 1st 10 weeks is now dead. i've just lost all respect for them.
 

game misconduct

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i forgot to mention when we adopted graycie we had to sign a written contract.stating she would be an indoor cat only along with providing all the proper health care etc.if/when needed along with having the means to do so. :lol:i didnt read the fine print about any penalties or such since we never would have even wanted to adopt graycie in the first place if we were not all in about caring and providing the best life we could for her. maybe you could do that also to prevent this happening again to cats you adopt out .(offers a lil bit of legal ground for you to stand upon then)
 
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purrfect mom

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Thanks, tik cat's mom and kflowers! great idea, tik cat's mom! I haven't seen the tents. but good idea to just give to them when they're adopted. And, kflowers, this is exactly what I was afraid of happening - it's not going to stop a dog or coyote. w/a catio, I think you have to be out there at the same time the cat is in catio.
 
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purrfect mom

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Thanks, pawsitive! It was my 1st exp. adopting out kittens and I'd been told by numerous people I wouldn't be able to find anyone to adopt them. But I think in the future I might just do a one-line contract like that to bring home the importance. Good suggestion.
 
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purrfect mom

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Thanks, Fiona's mom. your reply hadn't loaded until now. They are sad about the cat. They love both cats. they got the "pick of the litter" - the 2 showiest, biggest, prettiest cats that everyone wanted. (although the others are just as purrfect). The point is, I don't think they've learned the lesson, as in her email she was talking about now (a little late) getting this wireless thing for the remaining cat. I am too mad to talk to her on phone. In email I said that given the dead cat, I woudl not trust wireless technology bc a coyote/dog coudl still get to cat. I said that leashes/catios were an option but that they should be out there when cat in catio. I really don't know whether i can go back to same church w/them. I think you're right in that even though we really don't have room for another cat I could offer to adopt back if they insist on jeapardizing it.
 

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I do want you to know that I have a very hard time getting over situations like that, so I do understand your anger and unwillingness to communicate with these people.

Completely agree with your opinion of wireless fencing for any pet animal. It is one of those inventions that works in theory, right up until it does not work. They sound lukewarm about the catio and leash as well. Offering to adopt the cat back might be the best option. Think about how you would present it to them though because their first reaction might be to be very saddened, even honestly saddened, at giving up the cat. They have to be convinced that it is the best thing for them to do because they are too busy (in a good way), maybe now is not the time to bring a new cat into their lives (because they have so many other important things that they do). If you want the cat back, you have a better chance of getting it if you work around them. You guys messed up; give me the cat might not work.
 

IndyJones

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Those invisible fences don't work and honestly shock collars are cruel. It's not going to stop a hawk from carrying the cat away or a dog from grabbing it. The other issue is if something spooks the cat and it gets stuck outside the area. They get shocked trying to enter their own yard.

This article talks about the risks of the invisible fence it talks about dogs but the same rules applies regardless of species.

https://www.dogtrainingnation.com/equipment/the-dangers-of-invisible-fences-for-dogs/
 
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purrfect mom

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thanks again all, + indy jones. I sent article to family.
also, does anyone have link to a particular catio you like? Frankly I don't think many I've seen are secure enough for an attack by a dog, for instance. Some are, but they involve lumber. I took tik cat's mom idea and a local nonprofit will fw on idea to cat nonprofits. Tik cat mom, if you could provide me a link to what you were thinking of that would be great.
thanks again, all!
 

Tik cat's mum

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I was thinking something like the picture I'm putting. But they don't look sturdy enough for what your after. You would definitely have to be outside with the cat.
Screenshot_20210603_081045_com.android.chrome.jpg
 
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