How to stop feeling guilty?

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
So we adopted a second cat about a year and a half ago, and while the two of them are never going to kill each other or anything, I can't help but feel bad for the first one since she really doesn't like the new one. I realize that some cats may never be friends, and that as long as they can coexist then that's the best I can get. I can accept that.

However, my boyfriend and I definitely enable their aversion to each other, since we have a habit of separating them through the day to allow the original resident cat (Coffee) some time to breathe, come down from her perch (where she sits all day if the other one is out; it's like the only place she won't bother her), use her litter box in peace, etc. without the second cat (Maui) to bug her. It just feels easier sometimes. Maui is honestly just a little brat who gets a kick out of annoying Coffee, and Coffee is such a weenie she thinks that it's the end of the world when Maui approaches her. They have never gotten in a fight that drew blood, it's mostly just loud, theatrical sounds coming from Coffee while Maui stands over her. (My boyfriend has never had cats before, so this freaks him out, whereas I grew up with them and I know that this is sometimes just what they do)

I really want to get to a point where we don't do this ridiculous scheduled alternating between rooms. This is both of their home and they both have equal rights to be here at this point. I know that the most logical way to:

a) desensitize Coffee to Maui's antics, and
b) allow Maui to grow bored of terrorizing Coffee,

is to just leave all of the doors open all the time and Coffee will just have to suck it up and get more brave. However, I feel guilty that she can't use her litter box or play or relax while Maui is around. I need advice on how to feel better about this (since I know that only time will help). Maybe success stories? Similar situations?

Thank you in advance!
 

nurseangel

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jul 6, 2007
Messages
10,132
Purraise
4,820
Location
1 Happy Place
I've dealt with the same situation, only it was violent. DH and I were afraid my male cat would kill the female, so we have been living with the alternating rooms for years now. It is bad. (I know it's rare for cats to fight to the death, but my male cat does not seem to have been taught the rules. And he gets along fine with the other girls, even letting our recent addition tiny termite of a kitten boss him.)

I'm sorry because I understand what you are going through. I will be watching this thread to see what others answer for you. I hope things work out for the best. I know there is no peaceful to solution to our situation, but hope yours can be resolved for the best of all concerned. :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes: :vibes:
 

ArtNJ

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 1, 2017
Messages
5,487
Purraise
6,958
I think you are correct about everything stephmnichols stephmnichols . I've even given people on here the advice to be careful about breaks, because if they are overdone it creates a "Christmas morning" effect with the younger one getting super excited when they are finally back together creating more stress for the older one. As you are aware, time doesn't necessarily solve this, but it almost always gets *better* because, if nothing else, the younger cat gets older and less active, eventually and to some degree. Active distaste turns to mild distaste, and eventually the older cat mostly ignores the younger except when the younger is actively being a pest. I'm guessing that the newcomer was a kitten, so two years old isn't too far away. Many cats noticeably chill out at some point by age two, so hopefully you'll start to notice things getting easier. Maybe you have already noticed some improvement.

Anyway, wish you the best. Since you already understand the issue, I don't have too much else to add. You are through the hardest part, so hang in there.
 

Furballsmom

Cat Devotee
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
39,271
Purraise
53,931
Location
Colorado US
that she can't use her litter box or play or relax while Maui is around.
Hi! You're not enabling, except to help Coffee, especially regarding the litter box. In addition, constant stress is hard on a cat so here again, I'm one who thinks Coffee needs that time you're providing where Maui can't bother her :).

You can't force Coffee into anything, although you may be able to help her confidence with a lot of one-on-one play and loving.

How old is Maui?

How many litter boxes do you have?

Have you seen these?
How To Introduce A Kitten To An Older Cat – Cat Articles

How To Successfully Introduce Cats: The Ultimate Guide – Cat Articles
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
A ArtNJ thank you so much! Coffee is just over 3 now, and was almost 2 when we got Maui. We actually got Maui when she was about 3 years old, so she is around 4.5 now. I think you are right about the Christmas morning effect, it's like it's more the "novelty" of being around Coffee than anything else because she is pretty chill otherwise.

Furballsmom Furballsmom yes, we separate them because we don't want to stress her out too much, and she does suffer from idiopathic cystitis which can be exacerbated by stress. But I think we are enabling her "weenie-ness" because she knows that she will have time later, so she doesn't need to bother learning to be brave.

Currently they are separated most of the day, and then both sleep in our bedroom at night with Maui on the bed and Coffee on her perch (I feel terrible about this because Coffee used to always sleep next to me). I'm wondering if maybe cutting back on the amount of time they spend separately would help? Rather than most of the day, perhaps giving Coffee 1-2 hours a night to spend alone (play, litter box, etc.) would be best? I really just want them both to get desensitized enough that chasing Coffee is no longer Maui's sole interest, and being chased by Maui is no longer the end of the world for Coffee.

Coffee is currently 3, and Maui is 4.5.
They have 3 litter boxes: one that Coffee never uses, another one that Maui never uses, and one that they share downstairs.

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies :)
 

Furballsmom

Cat Devotee
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
39,271
Purraise
53,931
Location
Colorado US
one that Coffee never uses, another one that Maui never uses,
Try moving the two boxes that aren't used. This is one of the main points of contention and your stress, so see if you can provide Coffee a second box she'll actually use.

To help Coffee become braver, play with just her, and love on her a lot :)

Rather than most of the day, perhaps giving Coffee 1-2 hours a night to spend alone
I'd try this gradually since she has cystitis, and she needs access to a litter box 24/7.
 

ArtNJ

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 1, 2017
Messages
5,487
Purraise
6,958
If you want my advice, the next weekend you are spending home, I would leave them together except for an hour (or less) break now and then. See how it goes. From what you are describing, I think you will find that there is a lot more chilling out time and its less stressful time together on average. That helps with the improvement.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #9

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
Furballsmom Furballsmom oh sorry, I meant that there are two that Coffee uses, two that Maui uses, and one of them overlaps. It's like they each have their own and then share one lol!

Yes I'll try to amp up the playing. She loves "da bird" and "da bee" so I try to play with her at least twice a day with each. She's also very fond of those little catnip mice and loves to play fetch with them!

And yes maybe I will have to gradually decrease their time apart so as not to instigate a flare up of her cystitis...
 
Last edited:
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #10

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
A ArtNJ thank you! Yes I absolutely find that when I do leave them out alone (I happen to have the day off today and that's what we are doing now) they are both just chilling. Coffee on her shelf-perch, Maui on the window perch. I just feel bad that if Coffee feels the *desire* to come down, Maui will just chase her back up. But I'll follow your advice and just give her an hour break or something tonight.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #11

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
I'm also finding that now that it's winter it's harder. We were making so much progress in the summer, due to the new catio and both cats' desires to be out there, they were putting up with each other!

Now that it's winter and they aren't allowed out (and let's be honest, don't want to be) they are growing apart again.
 

di and bob

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 12, 2012
Messages
16,584
Purraise
22,966
Location
Nebraska, USA
Females are not known to be buddies with anyone. What you are describing sounds pretty normal. I would suggest to gradually cut the time you have them separated so it is not such a big shock and novelty. There is heirarchy amongst cats, Maui is naturally more assertive and chases Coffee because she can. Usually if things are allowed to gradually work out, Coffee will get tired of being chased and finally stand her ground. There may be a tussle and fur may fly, but usually after that they respect each other. I would tell Maui NO loudly and even give her 5 minute time outs if she chases Coffee, so she knows you are not happy. I yell NO now and the one getting hurt runs towards me for protection! The offender slinks off. Screaming, swatting, growling, and the occasional tussle are all perfectly normal, though nerve wracking. You could also try to hold Coffee (never actually restrain them, just on your lap so she can escape)while they are together, or at least be nearby so you can intervene if Maui gets too assertive. They should be used to each other enough now that I think Maui is just being, really, a little brat because she knows it will get attention. I would have a stiff piece of cardboard handy to stick between them if they actually get into it, Maui is not going to want to give up her fun and Coffee will try to assert herself finally, eventually. Give both much praise when they are together, and for a while give treats often so they associate good things around each other. All the luck!
 

nurseangel

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jul 6, 2007
Messages
10,132
Purraise
4,820
Location
1 Happy Place
nurseangel nurseangel thank you! Do you still alternate them? What about the kitten?
Unfortunately, yes. The kitten rules the roost and gets along with everyone, except the cat we adopted when our neighbor moved away and left his pets behind. She (Rue) refuses to stay in the house, but she would attack the kitten if she could. She is very mean, Rue, but that is understandable if you knew my former neighbor. My male cat (Speck) and my female (Daisy) can't be together at all. Daisy is fine with him, he is not fine with her. To protect her, we must keep them separated at all times. I should add that all of our cats have been spayed and neutered. Speck and Daisy got along for years. Now he acts like she is a complete stranger.
 

Furballsmom

Cat Devotee
Staff Member
Forum Helper
Joined
Jan 9, 2018
Messages
39,271
Purraise
53,931
Location
Colorado US
I would tell Maui NO loudly and even give her 5 minute time outs if she chases Coffee, so she knows you are not happy. I yell NO now and the one getting hurt runs towards me for protection! The offender slinks off. Screaming, swatting, growling, and the occasional tussle are all perfectly normal, though nerve wracking. You could also try to hold Coffee (never actually restrain them, just on your lap so she can escape)while they are together, or at least be nearby so you can intervene if Maui gets too assertive.
This, exactly, di and bob read my mind :)
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #15

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
I would tell Maui NO loudly and even give her 5 minute time outs if she chases Coffee, so she knows you are not happy. I yell NO now and the one getting hurt runs towards me for protection! The offender slinks off.
This, exactly, di and bob read my mind :)
Oh yes, Maui absolutely knows when she's done something wrong! I always yell no and try to grab her for a time out but she scurries under the bed because she knows it's coming :lol:
 

Krienze

Officially a cat lady now. No regrets.
Super Cat
Joined
Feb 2, 2020
Messages
988
Purraise
1,787
Location
Louisiana
I've never really been in this situation before. My cat Sammy and my older kitty, Isabel, had their issues for awhile. But they get along now and I never really had to make them. So since I'm not equip to answer that part, I'm going to skip ahead. >.<

I really hope you stop feeling guilty. It's NOT your fault. You can't control or predict their reactions and what not. You're a good cat-mom!

I'll be sending positive vibes that they work it out and that you find a solution for them soon!
 

Meowmee

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 2, 2018
Messages
2,880
Purraise
3,616
I had a similar problem with Quinn jumping on my beloved Syb, we tried everything but nothing worked that well so I separated them last few months for the most part as I was not going to have her stressed by him anymore etc. A thunder coat helped calm him a bit. I kept thinking he would grow out of it but he didn’t. He really needed an older, probably male, cat to discipline him. My oldest used do that with every new arrival and they all listened to him eventually if not right away.
Maybe try a reintroduction. Isolate maui in her own room for a while so she realizes it was Coffee’s house first, I see you have several other cats though and I am not clear on how m and c interact with them and this situation.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #19

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
Hi Meowmee Meowmee ! I actually just have the two cats. I know Maui needs some cat-discipline... I wish Coffee would just give her one good wallop over the head to show her that she isn't a toy! (I get their nails trimmed regularly, don't worry) :lol:
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #20

stephmnichols

TCS Member
Thread starter
Adult Cat
Joined
Oct 16, 2018
Messages
143
Purraise
151
I really hope you stop feeling guilty. It's NOT your fault. You can't control or predict their reactions and what not. You're a good cat-mom!

I'll be sending positive vibes that they work it out and that you find a solution for them soon!
Thank you so much :hearthrob:
 
Top