How to curb possessiveness?

[Draco]

Not sure if possessiveness is the right word to use here.. but I want to nip this before it gets worse.

My boys are bonded. They love each other. They play and eat and do everything together. However when it comes to snuggling me, Rembrandt won't let Dali too close or stay too long. After some time Rembrandt would smack Dali if he gets too close to me, and Dali would run off. There's no growling or hissing. It's more like "Go away, she's mine. She pet you enough."

When they are both near me, I make sure I pet them both at the same time. Grooming I alternate between the two of them (they both love to be brushed and eagerly wait their turn).

I don't want to punish Rembrandt, I don't want to take him off me when he smacks his brother because I feel that might be an adverse effect. Dali is skittish as it is, and I don't want him to fear snuggling me when Rembrandt is there too.

Any advice how I can curb Rembrandt's behavior and allow Dali to snuggle in a 3-way cuddle-fest without fearing him?

 

[Kris107]

Sounds like siblings! My cats have coveted sleeping spots and they used to try to make the other one move. They'd either sniff the other one a lot or even try laying on the other. So, my rule was whoever got there first. If your one chases the other off, maybe he should go too. They can learn that they don't get the reward if they do certain things.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi! I don't view stopping Rembrandt from swatting Dali as something that has to be viewed negatively. If that is all he does, learn to pick up on his behavior/demeanor/mannerisms that immediately precludes him swatting, and then be prepared to take his paw and hold it down while telling him no. Repeat, repeat, and repeat. Don't make anyone leave/move otherwise. If Rembrandt doesn't want you to do that, then he can leave on his own. But, he will learn that if he wants to stay, he will have to stop swatting. Doing this will also show Dali that you 'have his back', and he will be less inclined to leave. Rembrandt will evetually learn to share.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

If you figure it out, let me know! Daisy does the same thing to Phoebe. Sharing the bed when it's just them - fine. Sharing when I'm in it - not!

 

[inkysmom]

If my cats do that the pushy one gets pushed by me far away and told no in a firm voice and I invite the victim of the swatting or pushing back and make a point of petting/cuddling.

It worked great when several past and present cats tried to bully my large sweet dog. He'd cower or move to the foot of the bed. I'd push the cats away say no and call the dog. After he got tired of cuddles and turned away or left on his own the cats could come back.
Same with pushy cats. I see nothing wrong with pushing them away or even off the bed or furniture so they learn manners. Mine are all super clingy and constantly come back.
I even tell them to give me space when I just want to sit or lie down and read and don't want both cats literally on my face so I can't even breathe the second I'm done working. They've learned that I can push them away for a while but they keep coming back and get cuddles half an hour or an hour later.
They keep trying and don't act traumatized.
Maybe I'm mean.

 

[silent meowlook]

I have one major rule around my cats. Absolutely under no cat drama in, around, or over me. Bottom line. If that happened, I would get up and leave, or exile both cats out of the bedroom or wherever you are. Best, if you can, no yelling or interaction. Just get up and walk away.

 

[Draco]

keep the advice coming! thank you all!
I'm going to try a few things here and see how it goes!

 

[Cat McCannon]

Take time to play with each cat individually (as well as together)

When your cats come up to cuddle with you, give them treats together

As others suggested, if Rembrandt drives Dali away, gently pick him up and set him on the floor and let things start over

 

[DeesCats]

I spend most of my time sitting in my recliner couch so I always have a lap ready for cat visits. I use a laptop computer and watch TV.

Long Legs was 1st in November 2022 in the house and loved to cuddle on my lap and nestle in my left arm.
Binks was 2nd in May 2023 and will only sit with me for a max of 30 minutes and requires no other cats present.
Colly was 3rd in January 2024 and wants to sit with me constantly, usually on my left leg or in my lap.

The issue is both Long Legs and Colly want to sit with me at the same time. At first it was a wrestling match for them to share but I used the method suggested by a few members to just get up and do something else for a short time whether it was to get a cup of coffee, do laundry, walk outside, etc. Sometimes I had to put Long Legs in the bathroom for a 10 minute or less time out.

Fast forward a few months and for the most part I will have both of them in my lap or on my leg. If Colly is on my lap sleeping and Long Legs wants a cuddle too, sometimes Long Legs will partially lay on Colly while facing him and gently groom his head and himself until they both fall asleep. Though sometimes they do get in a bit of a tussle so at that time I say NO and shoo them off my lap and I get up and do something else.

Not to leave Binks out of the equation, he has certain times of the day he absolutely needs cuddle time and I know this because he incessantly follows me around looking at me and runs to the upstairs living room so we can sit on the couch and I brush him as he's falls asleep in the crook of my right arm.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I see a lot of people haven't echoed my suggestion, but my reasoning for discouraging the behavior of the objecting cat without disturbing the non-offending cat is to re-inforce to the latter that they did nothing wrong, so they don't need to leave or lose the presence of their owner because the former is being possessive.

The only time that is appropriate, IMO, is if the non-offender somehow provoked/caused the possessive behavior from the other cat.

Otherwise, the problem lies with the possessive cat and should be handled as such. Just wanted to clarify why I recommended what I did.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I haven't had any success telling Daisy off when she chases Phoebe off. It happens when I'm in bed, so me getting up and leaving isn't going to happen, either. At least Phoebe gets lap time when I'm in the chair.