How much to spend on a wedding present (and a rant)

[going nova]

I would buy whatever I feel comfortable buying, if I'd like to get the couple anything at all. You're right that weddings aren't about the presents.

Someone invited me to her child's birthday party and I didn't go because I was working. Afterward, she hinted that I owed her child a gift, and mentioned specifically which one I should purchase.

Some people have no shame about asking for things, so why should you feel ashamed for not obliging them?

 

[zoeysmom]

This thread scared me a bit in its early stages, because it started me thinking that maybe I was just cheap! I'm glad others think it's ridiculous that we should be expected to pay for the wedding (ie. cover the plate). Often with the fancy weddings, parents pay for them anyway. I realize that some people have to pay for their own wedding (like me!), but then you should only have a wedding you can afford to pay for. It's about the marriage, not how fancy the event is.

I just went to a wedding up North for a friend from University. We've been out of school for 3 years, and I haven't seen her at all, despite living about 2 hours apart for the last year or so. We touch base through email every couple of months, but that's about it. We were never best friends in university...we had a bit of an unusual relationship...but I think we played important roles in each others lives for a time. I think that's why I was invited (it wasn't a cash-grab type of thing, I know that), and why I decided to go. I got them a $20 gift, plus a $30 gift card. On top of that, I had to drive 12 hours each way to get there, my boyfriend had to take a day off of work, and we had 2 nights in a hotel to pay for. I probably would have had a bigger gift ($80-100) had the wedding been closer, or we decided not to attend, but I thought $50 was suitable for the situation. This came no where close to paying for our plate, as it was a 6-7 course meal with open bar (which we didn't use anyway).

I have a closer friend getting married next May, and I'd be comfortable spending around $100. This is a friend who I lived with in university, but was never "close friends" with. We talk online occasionally and get together as a group a couple times a year, and her boyfriend was around frequently in university. Her wedding will not be nearly as fancy and my "plate" won't cost as much, I'm sure. But, I feel a more expensive gift is appropriate in that case.

I think you should get what you feel you can afford and what's appropriate for your relationship with the person. For a casual relationship (work friends, distant-ish family members, people I haven't seen in a while), $50 would be my tops.

As for people registering for ridiculous things, my married/engaged friends were just saying last night that, I guess, you get a discount on anything on your registry if you buy it yourself within a year of your wedding. So they were saying how you should register for things that you wouldn't expect to get if it's something you would just buy after the wedding anyway (ie. with gift card money).

 

[rapunzel47]

I never look on a gift registry as an expectation or obligation. Instead, it gives me an idea about several things:

- what kinds of things are important to the couple;
- what practical things they don't already have;
- what patterns have been chosen for fine china and such.

Not everyone will go for the china, but to buy the wrong pattern really is a waste. And the point of including such things is that a person has the opportunity if they wish to contribute to the set that is building, to whatever extent they want/can afford, knowing which pieces still need to be added -- you really don't want seven gravy boats.

And if there's nothing on the list that resonates for you, there's no obligation to choose from it; it's just a starting place. By all means make some other purchase, or give a gift card, whatever...and never spend more than is comfortable for your budget. This is not (or shouldn't be, anyway) about things, but about celebration.

 

[sarahp]

The wedding was a lot smaller than I expected, and gorgeous

We took a heap of photos, and video, so plan to do those up into a nice package for them as part of their wedding present

 

[sk_pacer]

I am in wedding gift buying mode, but fortunately, cousin jr has a good grip on reality and most of the registry lists things well under 50.00, most under 25.00. I am not planning to attend however will send the kids a gift. Nothing pricey, but I knew it was coming so had me a bit of a rummage at Christmas. They are getting flatware - they have a mishmash of stuff taken from the farm, odds and ends from Grandma and bits and pieces that came from another aunt or two - great aunts to cousin jr - and stuff that looks like it came from the dollar store. Kinda resembles MY cutlery!!!LOL At any rate, the flatware is a whopping 20.00 and change for a 4 place setting plus some serving stuff...not bad at all.

 

[stefaroo]

Here's a question along the same lines - how much do you spend on a wedding gift for a couple who are BOTH entering a second marriage? The couple have been living together for some time and each have children from a previous marriage. One big blended Brady Bunch family with 5 kids combined! Small wedding (about 60 people), very informal. They didn't register anywhere (which is just as frustrating as the people who register for extravagances, just because they can). How much to spend on perhaps, a gift card that they can use for whatever they want?

 

[natalie_ca]

Originally Posted by stefaroo

Here's a question along the same lines - how much do you spend on a wedding gift for a couple who are BOTH entering a second marriage? The couple have been living together for some time and each have children from a previous marriage. One big blended Brady Bunch family with 5 kids combined! Small wedding (about 60 people), very informal. They didn't register anywhere (which is just as frustrating as the people who register for extravagances, just because they can). How much to spend on perhaps, a gift card that they can use for whatever they want?

For situations such as that, they should be saying "No Presentation! No Gifts!"

 

[rapunzel47]

Originally Posted by stefaroo

Here's a question along the same lines - how much do you spend on a wedding gift for a couple who are BOTH entering a second marriage? The couple have been living together for some time and each have children from a previous marriage. One big blended Brady Bunch family with 5 kids combined! Small wedding (about 60 people), very informal. They didn't register anywhere (which is just as frustrating as the people who register for extravagances, just because they can). How much to spend on perhaps, a gift card that they can use for whatever they want?

Situations like that, I buy a bottle of champagne. It's not about things, but about celebration.

 

[sarahp]

Originally Posted by stefaroo

Here's a question along the same lines - how much do you spend on a wedding gift for a couple who are BOTH entering a second marriage? The couple have been living together for some time and each have children from a previous marriage. One big blended Brady Bunch family with 5 kids combined! Small wedding (about 60 people), very informal. They didn't register anywhere (which is just as frustrating as the people who register for extravagances, just because they can). How much to spend on perhaps, a gift card that they can use for whatever they want?

I'm guessing that since there was no registry, then they probably don't want anything.

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

Situations like that, I buy a bottle of champagne. It's not about things, but about celebration.

I think that's a good idea. Bottle of champers and a nice card.

 

[stefaroo]

Thanks all - I totally agree that it's about celebration. I've gone the champagne route in the past for similar situations, but this case it's a little touchy as the groom is a recovering alcoholic with about 5 years of sobriety under his belt (woo hoo!!) It was a dry wedding (this past Saturday night) and it was a total blast! The groom is a co-worker/friend of my husband and it was the first time I'd actually met him and his lovely bride. If anybody has any non-alcoholic suggestions as to an actual gift, I'd love to hear it because I agree with other posts throughout this thread - you can put together a nice gift/gift basket for a lot less than what you'd give as cash or a gift card.

 

[sarahp]

In that case, a nice little gift basket with chocolates, tea, coffee and goodies like that would be nice, or a nice photo frame/album they can use for wedding pics?

 

[rapunzel47]

Absolutely agree. In that case, you don't want to do booze.

But I suspect he/they have a favourite celebratory beverage. Maybe you could run with the theme of gustatory celebration, by putting a bottle of that in a really nice basket and surround it with high end treats -- or skip the beverage and let them decide what they want to wash the treats down with. You can make a stunning basket with cheeses and condiments and a few fruits and some nuts -- wrap it up in cellophane with pretty ribbon -- and part of the gift is the journey of discovery as they poke through to see what goodies await them.

 

[kscatlady]

I registered at Target and put stuff for Cammy on it.

 

[twstychik]

Originally Posted by sarahp

How are you supposed to know what they spent on the meals?? Do you ask what your meal is worth?

I have no idea what's being served, or if alcohol is included

I think the reception is being referred to as a cocktail party.

Edit: I think part of the reason it annoys me is because when DH and I got married we said no presents, and asked for (anonymous) donations to a couple of charities that meant a lot to us. The wedding wasn't about presents, and we did not want people to feel compelled to spend money on gifts. I guess I expect the same of others... $5000 worth of dining settings just seems outrageous to me.

We requested no gifts either. The lady who did the invitations phrased it really nicely saying something along the line of... your presence at our marriage is gift enough. Of course, we did still get a few presents and lots of gift cards but none of it was necessary. We had a bit of a destination wedding and we were just happy that the people came and spent the money getting there. We also had a full buffet and an open bar! Hey, we were on an island where motor vehicles aren't allowed so no drunk driving issues... and everyone had a blast. We didn't even register.

Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

We rarely give the couple what's on their list. Most things are beyond our budget!

We give what we feel we can afford at the time - usually around $25 - $50 (in a check). We also have been giving a copy (framed) of our "Marriage Rules" that hubby and I made up for ourselves before we got married.

I've shared these Rules with online friends, and relatives and everyone seems to appreciate them. BTW we've been married 7 yrs now and none of our Rules have been broken

I LOVE your rules btw! I think that would make a lovely gift. From what we did get I really liked the heart felt ones that were more personal than a set of flat ware.

 

[zooy]

As someone getting married in 1 month 14 days (eeeeeh) and I didn't do a registry mainly because we've been living together for 4 years and don't need anything. My FMIL tried to get me to do a list, I was fine with just cash (I've got a big car bill to pay off) but thats tacky. So since I just invited relatives I picked a couple of things and asked that maybe they can go in on it. Like my stand mixer that I want, I know thats really expensive so if 5 people go in on it, it's cheaper!

I'm so cheap and hate gifts lol!

 

[degu_2009]

I haven't read the entire thread, but I would tell the bride and groom (or whoever you know more) that I can't afford to spend $100 on 4 wine glasses, and ask them why it's even in the registry in the first place.

 

[rapunzel47]

Originally Posted by Degu_2009

I haven't read the entire thread, but I would tell the bride and groom (or whoever you know more) that I can't afford to spend $100 on 4 wine glasses, and ask them why it's even in the registry in the first place.

Presumably the possibility exists that somebody who wants to give them a gift can afford that and might want to. It's up to them to decide. There's no requirement that everyone looking at that registry pick the most expensive item -- or anything on that list at all. It's only a list of things that they hope to acquire at some point, available for people to choose from, if they wish to. People seem to be expecting that everything on the registry would be within their own budget -- but they aren't the only people that list is for, so I don't understand why they get so worked up about it. Ignore the registry if it doesn't suit you.

This comment is not direct specifically at you, Degu, the sentiment has been expressed in one way or another several times and it just puzzles me.

 

[degu_2009]

Originally Posted by rapunzel47

Presumably the possibility exists that somebody who wants to give them a gift can afford that and might want to. It's up to them to decide. There's no requirement that everyone looking at that registry pick the most expensive item -- or anything on that list at all. It's only a list of things that they hope to acquire at some point, available for people to choose from, if they wish to. People seem to be expecting that everything on the registry would be within their own budget -- but they aren't the only people that list is for, so I don't understand why they get so worked up about it. Ignore the registry if it doesn't suit you.

This comment is not direct specifically at you, Degu, the sentiment has been expressed in one way or another several times and it just puzzles me.

Oh, well I would still ask the bride/groom if they really expected anyone to buy that for them, because it's very expensive. If you know them well enough it shouldn't be a problem, I find that to be a very weird thing to put on a registry.

When my cousin got married on her registry she put "Playstation 3", that's so silly to me lol.

 

[ebrillblaiddes]

I dislike the whole registry concept anyway, because it feels to me like telling people what to buy, which reminds me of greedy bratty little kids making extravgant Christmas lists.

I personally would probably put the word out that gifts were optional (not in the least because I've been living on my own for years and already have the essentials, and ditto for BF, so assuming we keep each other we'll be dealing with having duplicates of stuff anyway without adding more to it). That said, I probably would register for dishes and cookware and the usual contents of a linen closet because people feel a social obligation to buy and bring something, and a lot of that stuff is supposed to match, and it's easier for people to pick from a list, and that way there's less likelihood of ending up with even more duplicates of things. I do see why the register has to exist, even though I think people try to milk it too much.

On the other other hand, I don't think the couple should invite anyone if they wouldn't be happy to have that person there without a gift. Kind of defeats the purpose of calling it a celebration.

 

[3catsn1dog]

I just went to 2 weddings a month apart and they were for my boyfriends step brothers. Now the first wedding was the couple we get along with hang out with due to budget restraints werent able to purchase them a gift and the understood..We are living off a waitress salary which isnt dependable especially in these times. However we regularly hang out with them and being family they understood completely why we couldnt get them anything. HOWEVER!!!!!!!!!! The second couple bf's other step brother married a greedy money hungry evil foul female yeah needless to say she was pissed we couldnt get them anything. Now we didnt take part in their bar service cuz we dont drink and we made sure we ordered what should have been the cheapest meals. And the food was horrible anyways noone at our table ate the food including the grooms mother step father sister step brothers and the 2 girlfriends!! It was horrible..Haha this is turning into my own rant...Personally I dont like weddings so unless it was someone Ive known my whole life I probably wouldnt do much but in the same turn when I get married I wont register anywhere and nor would I expect anything from anyone including family!