How Do You Deal...?

[Jem]

We just got word that my husbands Grandmother will be passing shortly. He is obviously upset, it's his Grandma. But to be honest, I'm relieved. She has suffered long enough and is 94 years old.
I've never been one to be visibly upset when someone passes away. I've been lucky that most of the deaths of people who I have been close to were part of the "natural order of things" and when time for them to go, were suffering. Now don't get me wrong, I get sad, and I feel sad for my husband, but I always feels guilty and weird that I don't cry and get mopey in these situations. I never know what to say and I sometimes feel like I may come across as insincere when offering condolences simply because I don't feel (or show) the same level of grief as who I'm speaking to.
I'm not insensitive and I really do care, but am just not one to show that type of emotion in public. Because I'm the type to grieve quietly and in solitude, funerals and the like make me very uncomfortable (I'm sure everyone does fell uncomfortable to a degree) and it feels almost "forced" to offer condolences....Ugh! I don't know how to explain what I mean..... How do you deal with offering condolences to people? Especially if your "supposed" to be more upset than you show?

 

[fionasmom]

I am the same way. I am just not a crier no matter what happens which, as you say, does not mean that you don't feel things deeply. Your observation that the passing of those who have lived a long life, and hopefully lived well, and are now suffering or terminal is viewed as the natural order of things is rational and certainly not uncaring.

I don't think that saying that you are relieved is probably a good thing, even if it is absolutely valid, because that will be misinterpreted. But simply empathizing or saying that you understand and that you know that while this is a sad time for everyone you hope that eventually the memories of the final days/weeks/months/years of the deceased will be replaced by happy memories of brighter times should suffice. If there are other things that help in your case, like cooking for for a wake, helping arrange the final services, etc, you could offer assistance there.

My FIL died about 5 years ago at 102 years old which is frankly longer than the human body is meant to withstand its biology, and my MIL died about 5 months ago at 97. I did not cry at either funeral but offered to read any eulogy that my husband wanted to write for his mother if that would help. He could never have done it, two of my SILs got up and sobbed their way through whatever they were trying to say, in two languages, and I tried to be supportive for all of them which seemed to be appreciated and enough.

 

[1 bruce 1]

First, Jem I am sorry for your and your husbands impending loss, and know how you feel.

I've felt that relief, and it's mixed with horror, sadness, and a sense of loss. It makes you feel weird inside, because you shouldn't feel relief when someone dies, but if they're suffering, that relief isn't always a bad thing. I've felt it with humans and animals that died a natural death, or an animals that were euthanized because we knew they were suffering and their chance of getting better was 0%.
The relief I've felt has been for that little part of them that knew their life was over at some point, but they were still "alive" but not living. I think fionasmom said it well, when she mentioned this could be misinterpreted by the immediate family. In a few months, they might understand, but now the impending loss is just too raw. It's OK for them to be sensitive now. In a while, they probably won't.
I've gone to funerals, in which the deceased were fun loving, joking all the time, and didn't like a stuffy atmosphere and the funeral parlor was full of people wearing old clothes that they haven't worn in 10 years, big smelly flowers and a very somber atmosphere and sad music. The last two funerals I was at, I thought that the deceased would have hated it. It's now in my will that, when I die, there will be no funeral, and it's up to anyone living if they wish to arrange a celebration of life in the future. I don't want to put that on anyone who cares for me after I'm gone, so the option of organizing a get together once the rawness is gone is strictly their choice. (I've seen what visitations, sometimes twice in one day, followed by a funeral and burial the next, barely a week after the person has passed away can do to families, and they always look exhausted and completely worn out. They just want to go home and go to sleep. I don't want to do that to anyone.)
Sometimes, the best condolence is just being around and talking with people. You can't always say the right thing and that's OK. If people know you care for the sick person and care for their loved ones, sometimes silence with an attitude of fierce loyalty to just "being there" is better than words. And sometimes, if that doesn't work, just giving them a big old hug, and telling them you're so sorry is all you can do. If she supports or supported a charity or organization during her life, maybe a small donation in her name to that charity/organization would be a nice way to show your own way of grieving.
It's rough, but it'll be OK. You're a pretty good person from what I can see and I think you'll handle this better than you think.

 

[Jem]

I don't think that saying that you are relieved is probably a good thing,

Oh my no! I would never SAY it, I know better than that at least!

giving them a big old hug, and telling them you're so sorry is all you can do.

That tends to be my go to.
I've been to many funerals over my life usually to support someone else I know who's loved one died. It's always awkward, but as an introvert, I have to try hard to "stay present".
It usually goes OK, but this is the first close family member that will be passing for my husband, since we've been together, so I really want to make sure I'm "present" for him.

Social anxieties kinda suck at times like these too!

 

[Jem]

First, Jem Jem I am sorry for your and your husbands impending loss, and know how you feel.

Thank you.

 

[Elphaba09]

I rarely show outward emotion except during panic attacks, so I can understand what you mean. I also understand what you mean by the relief. It is not that you are relieved they are gone but rather relieved because they are not suffering. My ex-husband's great-grandparents lived with us for most of our marriage. His grandma was one of my favorite people in the world. I did not cry about it. I miss her still, but she died of cancer at 92 and was in horrible pain. I was relieved that her suffering was over.

I agree with 1 bruce 1 that a big hug should be good enough. Most people will be busy mourning and will not notice your lack of emotional display.

 

[JamesCalifornia]

The last two funerals I was at, I thought that the deceased would have hated it. It's now in my will that, when I die, there will be no funeral, and it's up to anyone living if they wish to arrange a celebration of life in the future. I don't want to put that on anyone who cares for me after I'm gone,

~ I'm with you ! My body goes to medical science - then it's cremation time. My ashes will be mixed with brightly colored foil confetti and strewn about the nearest funeral home with little tissue notes:
"Another customer lost to common sense and practicality" .

 

[susanm9006]

People in the midst of their grief rarely pay attention to your reaction. So all that is needed is hugs, pats, nodding and listening or talking to them. Left over from my HR career days, I always have a big supply of tissues ready to hand out as needed.

 

[foxxycat]

I agree with all above..I don't go to funerals anymore..we have lost so many coworkers to disease that I can no longer go to them. I send my well wishes to the family and say a prayer...I end up crying and can't stop so I don't go. I know if it's a family member or Jon's family I have to go even if I don't want to. I have a hard time around crowds and can't hear anything so it's really stressful trying to guess what the person next to me is saying while buzz of conversation around drowns out their voice...I know I should do better but I guess I just can't handle emotional stuff anymore... I think those mourning just want a hug and some support...I know when I watch people-they are wrapped up in themselves and don't think they will remember all the other's actions around them...hugs!!!!

 

[cassiopea]

Everyone grieves differently - there is no "right" way to grieve. Sure, sometimes there is this concept in society that there is only a one-route way your suppose to grieve, but in reality it is very different. Death is an extremely complex thing to deal with. So don't feel guilty for the way you deal with this process, it's very normal and you are still a great person for being there for the ones you love.

It's also especially common to already begin your mourning process and finish it when it comes to a family member who was diagnosed and terminally ill for a very long time. Once the loved one is passed the sentiment and method of coping is already completed. A sense of "relief" or "release" follows. Not because you are glad someone is gone, but you had already initially mourned the persons passing and who they used to be a along time ago already when they first became unwell and deteriorating - and now the remaining pain, the hard work, planning or care-taking and aura is finally alleviated. Often people don't even realize they are subconsciously doing this! That they had already mourned their loved one, and wonder why they feel the way they do later on.

Just keep it simple, you honestly don't need to think up of anything fancy in terms of the right things to say. When people are mourning they actually really don't want to hear typical sayings and quotes that actually can sound sort of crude or misguided ("Died doing what they loved" "They are at a better place now" etc)


One of the best things you can do is simply offer your companionship, patience and ear "I have no idea what to do or say, I am so sorry for your loss, but know that I love you and your family very much and I will be here right with you if you ever need someone to just listen"





*One of my close friends is a Mortician and Funeral Director so learned a lot of things from her awesome insights.

 

[maggiedemi]

I don't go to funerals anymore

I don't go to funerals anymore either. Most times, my relatives don't even have funerals anymore. I remember it used to be really important and they ALWAYS had funerals and everybody went. But not anymore.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Everyone is different. I've found I grieved differently depending on who it was. It's almost like the closer I have been to a person; the less I've cried and grieved publicly.

I'm not very demonstrative around a lot of people anyway. Physically or emotionally. I grew up hugging people at church and that's one thing; but if someone is upset, hugging them is not my first inclination and can make me uncomfortable. I have become more emotional since becoming a Mom. I've heard others say that as well. But I'm still reserved with everyone but DH. Even with my kids I can get to feeling "touched out" and "talked out."

I'd rather listen and just try to feel out what a person needs from me in a situation like that. Occasionally I can sense when someone really needs a good long hug and it feels right; but in general I keep some space. I had to do that with DH when his sister passed. He and I are a lot alike in that except he is even more quiet when he is processing his own emotions. Especially the most personal emotions.