How Do I Care For A Cat With Broken Jaw?

[SweetiePie1]

We always appreciate the updates. I imagine that Sueno, even if she stays in the hospital and has technicians helping her this whole time, would likely only recover to a certain point considering everything you've told us. That's why I really do encourage you to enjoy the time and am really happy to hear you ARE spending time with her!!!! You are asking for a simple yes or no, we struggle to give you a response. I can only speak from MY experience(s) and tell you that I am forever hopeful that we all have the opportunity to die with some dignity and with someone we love by our side. And regardless of any of that, you have already done a lot to maintain her quality of life through it all. I agree with Furballsmom, you are absolutely not a coward, you are and have been her champion.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Not a coward. You have shown remarkable bravery, and real determination. But it is against our natures to easily accept that it is time to let go...especially when a cat seems so determined to fight. And all we can do is be with you in your struggle. And we are.

 

[fionasmom]

Believe me, the people who are afraid to face issues like Sueno's are the ones who put their animals down at the first diagnosis because they "know that they would want it that way." The brave ones are like you and you fight along side your cat. As unfair as it is, there is no guarantee that the fight will be won, although we all hope that we will get some sort of cosmic credit for trying and that it will translate into a cure or remission.

 

[NadiaRey]

Oh my god how do you make me feel all these emotions, you people. You are all such beautiful people. I'll repeat this to the end of times, since it's the one thing keeping me from breaking down. No, of course you shouldn't have to try make a decition for me, but I love you for saying that, Sweetiepie. I mean, I don't have the words to adress all the ways you have helped me, all of you. I just admire how you are this supportive. You wanna talk bravery? I said the word cancer and you are still here. You CANNOT say that for a lot of people. Speaking of...

No, well, first let me get this out of the way. Sueño is still with me. There's been a few developments. She wasn't eating, and the jaw, tumor, kidney and disfagia are all messing things up (I mean, weren't the four enough?), but the reason was a mouth infection. I know because I got it too from breathing in her breath... Yeah, it's so powerful it knocks you don't from the smell alone: it destroyed my stomach and appetite too. It turns out that, treating it, Sueño will eat like crazy again. The disfagia is a problem, though. but with liquids. And of course, the infection also knocked her down so she stayed in bed most of the time. Right now she's up and about. Still a long way from great, but it's enough of a recovery to push forwards a bit further. I guess Pat Benatar's song referred to this...

The other development is... I don't know if I should say this because it might give the wrong impression. But tying up with the "cosmic credit" thing... I guess I found a way to kill the tumor. I know how it sounds, and it's a long story, maybe you can advise me about this too, since I feel I'm treading into a tricky territory. But... it's not a cure, it's a tumor killer, but still it's some major thing. There's a hole where the main tumor used to be. The thing just fell apart. I accidentally killed it... and I did it with a bunch of dietary elements that I applied topically on the tumor for another reason (...?!) I don't think I can explain in here, I'll make another thread eventually when I can get my thoughts in order. But yea, a tumor killer. All this would be wonderful news, and it kind of is if I can give this data to the many people struggling with cancer... but the clincher is, with Sueño, I struggle with the idea that even with this bomb in my arsenal it still might already be too late... I really don't feel like jumping into conclusions again, though. Like some of you say, thee's such a thing as a premature decition.

But to answer you. Mamanyt, and tying with the bravery to stay... familiy, that's a whole other can of worms. OK, let me talk about this - though I warn you, it will be long. Sueño is our family cat, so I sought to include the family from the start. I don't feel like I should even say: I don't judge them, they are doing their own process - and honestly I'm more worried about them not understanding what's truly going on before it's too late (of course, they deny it if I express this). It's like this. If it's about avoiding things, like talk of cancer, my dad plainly told me not to tell him anything. My mother didn't say so in such open terms but, well... she and my sister came to me with the "let's not do anything' attitude, to just naturally let the time come... until they are told that time is approaching. A few times when I thought this was it, I went to my mother to ask her for a hug, which inevitably resulted in my telling her that I thought we'd have to let Sueño go, and... she doubled over in pain. She can't stomach the talk. My sister too, she went "let's let her go" the first day, then when she heard the life expentancy was three months, she doubled back because, yeah, that's too soon.

My mum has spent most of these months playing a cellphone game and distracting herself with work. I don't think this is accidental. I I have to fish for excuses for my family to spend time with Sueño. Mum literally just confessed to me when I asked her to replace me in feeding duty today, that she didn't want to, because (other than being tired) she didn't want to see Sueño struggling to eat (I always do the feeding, always watch her struggle). (And it wasn't too much of an excuse too: I did just do my own struggle with the medicine and I didn't want to stress her any more, so anybody else feeding her would be preferable (plus I truly am falling apart from lack of sleep right now).)

They are all good people, but they have been making this much more difficult these months. I have to watch what I say around them not to upset them or make them jump to the wrong conclusions. I can't talk to them, ask them for emotional suport or communicate what I need. My father, me being how I am, I understand his not wanting to talk about cancer or death, His way of helping, he wanted it to be monetary (not that he didn't make me feel bad for using all that money to help a cat, every time). I can't talk with my sister about this without it leading into a fight, because I haven't been able to communicate well and everything I say it's been taken like I'm forcing my opinion on her. In fact, all three of them have made me feel like I was "forcing" Sueño to live from the very begining. Common topic of conversation is "if I were in this situation, don't you dare force me to live". As if they couldn't speak and take their own decition about how long their own situation would last...

One thing my sister conceded is that I'm usually the family's scapegoat. That's not to say I didn't make mistakes, but man they really like to hammer even the non-mistakes down... I digress. What I wanted to say is that I have been terrified from the begining to be the kind of person who truly forces the pet to live through pain when it's no longer humane just because they are not ready to let them go. So terrified of that I did jump the gun those times (the ones I asked for hugs). Last time it was me asking for a group meeting to decide to let her go because she wasn't eating. Hours later, Sueño ate... very little so she wasn't okay. I was still thinking about letting her go. It was my mother and sister the ones who decided to wait this time. Like I said, I'm not judging, humans are contradictory like that. But that's the problem. I've been told I was forcing her to live from the very begining, so it's hard to know when I'm truly already there.

OK, this turned into a family rant thing. I promised myself I wouldn't go there. But yeah, you can tell why it's kind of difficult to grab hold of sense in this situation. Just to tell you another thing, other reactions around me went: 1-friends talking about Sueño like she was already dead (seriously bad for morale), 2-friends also assuming I am forcing Sueño to live (why do I give this impression? As far as I can tell, I'm the one ever thinking about letting her go), 3-vets saying something one day and the opposite the next. (For example, after losing the jaw the last surgery I asked the vet surgeon if the slow, painful recovering from this was even worth it if there was nothing else that could be done (he said he was unwilling to do anything else) and I had no prospects others than watch Sueño slowly fade away... and he told me, to him, Sueño looked fine, she still had fight in her! As usual she was doing everything to pull through. I have been going to the vet weekly so they can tell me too if they think Sueño stops being in a situation that is no longer humane (they told me they saw Sueño fine not too long ago). Yet last week the same vet says he would have let her go a long time ago...?)

I know humans are contradictory, but man they are messing me up.

 

[SweetiePie1]

So many things going on.....I see why you are struggling. Dealing with death or the thought of death is such a personal thing. It sounds like Sueno means A LOT to everyone around you. You can't stop having the feelings you have and neither will those around you. As we grow we experience sooo many things and having the tools to deal with death are usually not given, they are unfortunately earned. Let the others have their opinions and feelings and ask in return that they let you have yours. Don't worry about judgement and continue to do what you think is best and appropriate. Keep things simple and remember its about Sueno right now. More hugs, love and support if you can take it!!!!

 

[Furballsmom]

Everything that SweetiePie1 said

 

[NadiaRey]

Everything Sweetiepie said indeed.
Sorry, my thoughts are going highware and all over the place these days. This hasn't been about feeding Sueño with her jaw compromised for some time. It's a rant about feelings that vary in kind if Sueño ate or didn't. Yeah, the important thing is Sueño. Today she's eating, and recovered much needed weight. My feelings aside, today'd be a good day and I should be working to keep it that way. The liquid intake (and avoiding infection) makes up the bulk to today's problems. Short term at least.

So, to retake the original purpose of this thread, I'm now looking for a way to hydrate a cat in a non-liquid way. Fruit and ice are no use; so long as she perceives liquid in her throat, she'll feel like she's choking... I'm thinking jelly.

But the real solution would be to take the tumor in her throat away. I mentioned this... method that has somewhat killed the original tumor. Basically, I applied to the tumor topically a lot of natural anticancerigenics (foods, spices). I did it because they were also antiinflammatory/analgesic that can be used topically (=applied directly) and back at the time I was worried about her jaw hurting (back when I thought that was why she beat her own snout), so I was trying to control the pain. Instead, now there's a hole where the original tumor was. But like I said, even if this was truly some sort of homemade tumor-killer, the problem here is it reaching her throat and me having no way to reach there.

I have no problems saying what I used, btw. I figure this might be pretty helpful for others dealing with melanoma/other cancer, animal or human (it's turmic, oregano, rosemary, olive oil, broccoli, and sometimes garlic and ginger. But doing further research, there're even more than those). I'm guessing I'm not overstepping any boundaries by putting it here... Besides, there're plenty scientific papers about the effects of these on a tumor. The only thing I did differently is applying it directly, or poking the tumor with it, instead of feeding it to Sueño. (There's a good reason why.) If there's a cut or wound, it dies faster.

But I don't know if I'm in a situacion where I can "recommend" this, since I'm of no medic background. I don't even know why it had this effect, nor why this has never been advised before. I find it weird nobody has ever thought about it. Especially since "intralesional theraphy" *is* a thing in medical practice. I mean, there's enough people desperate for a cancer treatment out there that might benefit from something with a seemly effective tumor-reducer that has little chances of hurting them... Why is it not used? I have been talking with onco-vets and oncologists in general but they haven't been able to explain to me why they hadn't even heard about it. What do you think? Should I post it somehere (here in the site or another place)?

Back to Sueño, I guess for all the good this method might be, if I can't reach the tumor at the back of the throat, it's useless..

 

[fionasmom]

It has been shown in numerous studies that if certain natural compounds are applied to cancer cells in a petri dish, they kill the cancer. Certainly since the tumor in Sueno's mouth is exposed, you were able to directly put those things on it, so you may have done something which caused it to evaporate which would be/is wonderful. The trick with most cancers is that you cannot directly access the tumor so there is not much more than anecdotal evidence for this. In humans, the hope is that by using certain substances or foods containing them, that they will be able to mount a fight against the cancer.

SweetiePie1 really did cover what is going on with your family. It sounds like they are not able to deal with this one way or the other; can't stand to see Sueno be sick but are afraid to keep her for too long if she might be suffering. It is not just your family that reacts this way.

I still agree with you that if Sueno is willing to fight that you did not do the wrong thing in helping her with that fight.

 

[AbbysMom]

But I don't know if I'm in a situacion where I can "recommend" this, since I'm of no medic background. I don't even know why it had this effect, nor why this has never been advised before. I find it weird nobody has ever thought about it. Especially since "intralesional theraphy" *is* a thing in medical practice. I mean, there's enough people desperate for a cancer treatment out there that might benefit from something with a seemly effective tumor-reducer that has little chances of hurting them... Why is it not used? I have been talking with onco-vets and oncologists in general but they haven't been able to explain to me why they hadn't even heard about it. What do you think? Should I post it somehere (here in the site or another place)?

Generally on this site we recommend to seek the advice of a vet before you try any home remedy. What may work for one cat could kill another due to underlying conditions, etc. that we on the internet would not be aware of that their vet would. I've seen many on here recommend what works for their cat and it would never work for my own.

This is part of the forum rules -

2. Do not provide medical advice. Discussing various options is encouraged and you may share your experience including details about what kind of medication was administered and dosage. However, do not suggest to another member that they should change anything in the course of treatment prescribed by their vet without first consulting with a qualified veterinarian.

I wish you and Sueno the best of luck.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Re the jelly...beef broth can be made into a jelly. I do know that. And would help hydrate her, I'm sure. It would have to be cook without seasonings, of course.

 

[NadiaRey]

Today, we let Sueño go. I wanted to let you know since you were following her story. I haven't come back because I felt I needed to devote what time we had left to her. (Fine job I did of that, really...)

Even though this helps no one, I need to say... the truth is, I feel really guilty. Guilt is next to sadness as all I feel today. Because, her jaw was dislocated; the tumor pressing on it made it hurt; the jaw bone exposed was dying and possibly breaking; she had the kidney problem that made every bite a life hazard; she had the recurrent infection problem that made her stop eating for a whole day and lose weight; she had dysphagia that made her choke every time she wanted to drink water -and lately, even eat-, and even when she did eat, with a lot of effort, she still sometimes would lose weight because the tumor was eating the nutrients instead of them reaching her... oh and if that wasn't enough, she had a convulsion just this morning...

... and the stupid thing is, the thing on my mind right now, what's eating me alive, is that I actually fear I let her go before it was time.

I mean, can you believe it? She had hardly anything that could be called quality of life from my description, right? And what I'm feeling guilty about isn't that I let things go this far, but that I wouln't have gone a little further.

Because she kept looking at me with those big eyes. She kept on fighting the way to the vet, as if knowing this was coming. Everybody was okay with the decition... except Sueño.

And that is killing me. I couldn't respect her wishes to the very end.

Because Sueño and I have always had this dynamic. She was always asking me to let her do what she wanted. I always imposed my will by physical predominance, like a damn bully. Sort of like a feminist cat and me as the patriarchy. Sure, it was things like keeping her inside when it was raining, or getting a kiss out of her. And lately, with the cancer, it was subjecting her to treatment after treatment, many of which she made plainly obvious she wasn't on board with. So, for me to again have taken a decition away from her, it feels like the final violation of her will.

...OK. Let me backtrack. As you know I was considering letting her go much earlier, since a few posts back. The reason I let things get to the point she had accumulated all these problems is that, on the one hand, my mother (and sister) didn't seem ready to let go last week, and for another thing, I was waiting - checking to see if I got to see that moment people talk about when they let you know they wanna go. Like a 'it's okay, I had enough'. Maybe, I hoped, it would come not because she was suffering more than it was worth it, but as a sort of acceptance of her situation and her death. That acceptance never came. Just minutes before the convulsion, she was so alive, she was drinking from the faucet like she was saying 'see, I don't care about some choking, or the fact my tongue isn't working right.' Dude, how? How does she manage to be so incredible...

...Did. How *did* she manage. I'm still thinking of her in present tense...

That was this morning, 5am to after 8am, which is just before the convulsion. And my confession: the convulsion wasn't even something natural, "meant to happen", it wasn't proof that she wasn't okay, as one reading this might expect, no. It was me, it was my fault; I'm pretty sure it was a bad reaction to something I tried. I was thinking that, if she was looking this alive only meant I had to try one last time to give her more days. Instead, I hurt her. And I know because it happened while I was trying it. Either the fruit juice I applied was literal poison to her (as fruits often are to cats), or her kidney just failed being unable to purify that (it certanly looked like her abdomen hurt afterwards). I even *knew* that fruit had arsenic that cats couldn't digest, but I did it anyways because it wasn't for drinking, thinking that it somehow made it okay. I thought it would be okay, with no evidence of this but the fact that I got cocky because no other thing I gave her hurt her.

So there you have it. I'm a horrible, stupid person. How could someone be this immensely thick? So snobbish, cruelly neglectful. I'm not brave, I'm an irresponsible idiot.

And it's not like confessing this makes it any better but, I'm not coping right hiding it. So there you have it, sorry to let you read through this mental diarrea. Honest, I feel all this might be proof of how infantile I am, because as you can tell, my problem isn't that she was suffering all these problems and I let her live anyways, (not even the more important fact that I ruined her last moments by causing her the worst event) but that this situation of course cemented the (already made, but evidently not quite yet accepted,) decition to let her go, when "she might not have wanted it that yet" ... or maybe *I* didn't. (I certainly am feeling like I want her to be right here, now.)

And my other problem is that, in my view, I couldn't give her as much affection to make her feel satisfied with life.

Sorry, you certainly didn't need to listen to my self-depricating talk. I needed to make this confession because I didn't want you to have the wrong impression of me as this "brave", responsible cat owner/mother. You shouldn't think that highly of me, I don't want you to believe that lie.

 

[NadiaRey]

I do feel I just blurted a torrent of self-hate onto you for no reason, and I need to make a new post. I guess my way of dealing with grief is self-punishment until I'm satisfied, reminding me that I couldn't save her from hurt. That's a promise I made to Sueño I couldn't keep.
...OK, I said I would make a new post to try not to leave them with nothing but my self-hate, and here I'm doing it again...
I can talk to you about my other feelings.

Right now, I feel lost, like I miss a compass. I had an objective for these past five months, now I got a life that I resent going back to.

A few minutes ago, I thought I heard her call me, and felt empty when I realized it wasn't that, wasn't her. And I keep looking at the place where she slept expecting to find her there. Of course.

I kept on thinking she might still be alive, in the hole in my garden, and that I needed to get her out... (and I confess, I unburried her just to check before... And now, I feel like doing it again.)

I'm also a bit afraid of going to sleep now, I fear what I'll dream about. Even though I'm really feeling the weight of all these months without sleep.

Not to mention I have the kind of headache you couldn't believe. Throat too. Possibly about to get sick... funny, I was a lot more neglectful of my health those five months, but never got sick. I got the pressing obligation of not falling ill so I could take care of Sueño. And it worked. Even thought I hardly slept, and I was worried and stressed all the time, while trying to keep all of this at bay so I wouldn't stress her...

Right now I'm also regretting a lot more things too that are a lot more ridiculous - that I never got to do a lot of things I wanted to try. Like: finish giving her picadillo I recently found she could eat no problem, making her an icecream for cats that I also just noticed she could drink, getting and placing kiwi next to her place of rest (aparently cats love it) and trying pomegranade properties (I have been waiting for the plant in my garden to give me a fruit. In my mind, I made the deal with Sueño to last until there was granada in the garden, so maybe that's why.)

I want her to be here with me.

I have been terrified all this time about forcing her to live just because I wasn't ready to let go, but I never thought about feeling guilty about doing it too soon. I feel stupid to never have considered it, really... But I also feel this whole self-imposed guilt trip may be what's stupid if the real irresponsibility was keeping her alive this long. (Maybe? I honestly can't tell, my thoughts are a mess right now.)

I'm going full irrational grief, I know, but also, some of these doesn't feel irrational. I devoted my life to Sueño these last five months, that's true, and yet I still think I messed everything up - and that doesn't compensate for the mistakes. I didn't want this for her.

And I know, maybe I'm extrapolating guilt from over the years about not respecting her will. She put up with me anyways, and would (fiercely) hold on to whatever freedom I gave her. And I tried to give her decition over her own life this time, things like letting her sleep wherever she felt like sleeping, go outside even in rain... but apparently I couldn't stop myself from taking decitions away from her. I'm not going to forgive myself for this.

 

[Furballsmom]

You could start a thread in the Crossing the Bridge forum when/if you're feeling up to it, and tell us about her -it would be a lovely way to honor her life and her wonderful soul.

Crossing the Bridge

 

[rubysmama]

Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. Sueño was terribly ill, and whether or not she was able to tell you it was time, I think in your heart you know it was, and now she's no longer suffering or in pain. When you feel up to it, I also think you might find it helpful to post a tribute to Sueño in the Crossing the Bridge forum. There are wonderful members who read and post heartfelt replies to comfort grieving cat parents. RIP sweet Sueño.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Ah, Sweetie. I am so very, very sorry. The guilt you are feeling is so very human, but I promise you, you went over and beyond what most people would. ANYTHING to help her, you tried. But cancer...it kills in the end. It was her great love for you that kept her going, and your great love for her that will guide her to her New Home. We are with you. Always.

 

[Jcatbird]

I am so sorry for the pain and all you went through with Sueno. There is one thing you haven’t thought of. She loved you and , just as you did not want her to suffer, she does not want you to suffer. They try to stay for us as well as for themselves. That’s what you saw in her eyes. She worried about you. They also remain in our hearts forever. If you feel you sense her then it is her trying to give you some bit of comfort now just as you gave it to her. Maybe you should not fear rest but go there to visit her in your dreams as she can now run and play and do all the things she used to enjoy with you. She is free again. She would want you to be free again too.

 

[Norachan]

I'm so sorry to read of everything you're going through. I've come to this thread rather late, so I don't know all of Sueño's story, but I'm hearing a bit of myself in your latest posts.

I think a big part of grief is looking for ways that you could have done things differently, as if by doing things in another way we could have magically healed or saved the one we lost. Whatever you did at that time you did because you felt you were doing the best thing for Sueño. It's natural to look back and beat yourself up for it now, but that's because you want the outcome to be different. Not because you acted badly towards her.

You sound exhausted, overwhelmed and grief stricken. You're not seeing things clearly at all. You need to allow this whole situation to wash over you, so you can grieve mentally, emotionally and viscerally. I think at the moment you're holding everything in your head, but grief hits you on every level.

Breathe. Weep. Keep breathing.

You're not going through this alone. These early days are the worst, but we're here for you. We all know how you feel and whenever you need to talk about Sueño you can talk to us.

 

[SweetiePie1]

Thank you for letting us know. I have been thinking and wondering about you and Sueno. We have some really thoughtful members and I stand by everyone and their comments....responses. You both have been and continue to be in our prayers.

 

[fionasmom]

I am so sorry about Sueno's passing and have been wondering if you had let her go. The stress of the last months of her care has been extreme on both of you. She faced a very serious and difficult form of cancer, much harder to manage than other forms, not that I am saying that there is a "good" form of cancer. You need to try to give yourself some space to clear your mind, as hard as that sounds, so that you will come to see how much you did for her and how much you have shouldered the blame for not having a personal cure for cancer. Ultimately, you did everything that you could, about 95% more than most people would do for a cat with that form of cancer. Most people would never have given an older cat like Sueno the chance for any treatment, but would have said that she lived her life and that it was longer than most, and a good one, so why try any intervention. As it became worse, you continued to try and I do believe from what you wrote before that Sueno did have an amazing spirit and did want to try to continue on and you gave her that chance.

When all the chances were gone, you did the right thing in letting her go. What you are seeing in your mind is that you could have done a few more things that might have helped or might have improved her quality of life, even if just for a few minutes. I think that you are in such a caregiver mode that your mind is not letting you see the reality of the fact that everything had been done and you gave Sueno every chance that you could. Intense caregiving leaves a huge gap when the patient who was being helped is gone whether or not it is human or animal or even a cause. There is a huge hole in your life right now, aside from the one caused by Sueno's passing, where all of that energy is still living and it has not yet released itself.

Your mind is also allowing you to look at the minute details of everything that you did and to make them into a source of criticism for you. Probably some of the medical conclusions you have drawn are not valid; for example, I have to wonder if any convulsions that she had at the end were from something like the cancer reaching part of her neurological system or brain as opposed to anything that you gave her.

You were and still are so completely invested in keeping Sueno alive that you are not going to find it easy to get out of that mode, but you have to start to try as you work through the grief process. The final symptoms that you describe are really those of a cat and human who have fought the good fight, not indications that one more thing might have been tried and I completely believe that you did the right thing in letting her go, just as you did the right thing in trying so hard to help her.

It might help to write about Sueno's life as a tribute to her in the other forum and might help you to remember the 17 happy years that you shared. The balance might start to shift from the final fight which is now overshadowing her entire life and help you to see the wonderful life that you gave her before her disease occurred.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

 

[NadiaRey]

I cannot begin -- just as every other time -- you can't start to imagine, I can't begin to tell you, how much your words mean to me. It's funny, I have been talking with family, with friends, I'm literally close to harrassment, just blurting whatever is on my mind as if I had to --not even because it was helping-- whenever they gave me space to do it. But even though they'd say something on the subject of not feeling guilty and I haven't done a lot, this is the first time I feel like I might be wrong, that I might not be culprit of a horrible crime of neglect and stupidity. I don't know, maybe I respect your opinion this much, or I find you more objective. I know also my lasts posts weren't exactly rational. And yet you seemed to get it in such a profound level... Just, thank you. You have been my anchor during this whole thing, I didn't expect to find that here, and it made all the difference.

Also, I honestly thought you'd lose some if any sympathy you might have for me from the confession of that last mistake. It was her last moments, and I ruined them for her. I mean, what I'm saying is, because of your words, I'll appreciate better what I did do right... but yeah, not to be stubborn, I'm not saying that erases the mistakes either. And that's okay. Some are very big ones and I won't just forget they happened just because of the good. I know I'm human so apparently it's like unavoidable to be unbearably stupid once in a while - CHIKITTIES was saying something that is a perfect summary of the problem: I got too proud... and you should avoid decition-making in that state. You sort of asume you can't make mistakes, and of course that's a receipie for disaster. Every big mistakes (and I mean literally was on the verge of killing her at least four times*) was made when I was in this overly proud state, and only now I realize I should be blaming that... and, as usual, lack of sleep, that too.

(* OK, just to give you a quick review: 1-I meddled with serum after the last surgery and, had the vet not find it, I would have killed her. 2-I messed up the dosage of the immunotheraphy vaccine; the shot gives you slight fever... and I gave her doble dosage - if Sueño wasn't this strong despite everything, I don't know how she managed those 48 hours. 3-The convulsion I know it was at least prompted by what I did, since it was exactly then and I know I gave Sueño a lot of pain. 4-The last one is that I used a product to clean her exposed jaw bone previous surgery, and never checked that it was a cancerigenous product!)

They are not the *only* mistakes I'm beating myself up for, but just "the big four"... you got to admit they are truly foul. Even then, the two I'm feeling most guilty about - the not enough affection, and the not letting her make decitions, not even to the very end - I got to admit, your words did get to me. Thank you for saying all that.

So now... btw, I noticed the private messages. It will take me a while, as I'm still trying to put my thoughts in order, but I'll be reading and answering everything in time. fionasmom, you particularly have been there for me this much so, I cannot begin to thank you for all this, for your words, every step of the way - and you really get me. The whole thing about being in caretaker mode and the gap it leaves, you hit the nail on the head there... Norachan, don't worry, just coming here means a lot to me and your words are a lot of help too. Jcatbird, you too, that *is* a big help. I didn't even know there was a place to pay homeage, so nice. Really, that really *would* be great - honest to God, this site is great, you got a place for everything. Thank you for letting me know, you two, I'll coming there soon enough.

I guess what I wanted to say is, thank you. Thank you so much.
And thank you, Sueño.