How Do I Accept The Fact That My Cat Does Not Like To Cuddle?

[aforumuser]

My cat does not like to cuddle. She does not like being on my lap or handled in any way. She tolerates petting on her head and back. Normally when I try for a belly rub she tries to paw my hand away so I guess that means she does not like that. I think the only physical contact that she enjoys/tolerates from humans is petting. She doesn't like being touched at the feet or paws and will pull away. Any type of cuddling or handling causes her to start walking away. How do I accept the fact that my cat does not like to cuddle? She doesn't like to be on my lap and wants my attention only when she's hungry. It seems that she is perfectly fine with paying no attention to me all day and simply eating, sleeping, and pooping. It feels kind of odd to buy her food, clean her poop, and take care of her only to have her show me no affection. Is this strange behavior?

 

[Columbine]

Some cats just aren't very cuddly/tactile. It's very common for cats to dislike their paws and belly being fussed with (I've had several cats that would swipe or bite me if I tried messing with those areas - belly especially). Not all cats are lap cats either. I've had maybe 13 cats over the years, and only two of those were truly lap-cats, though a couple more would occasionally like a lap-snuggle. The others didn't love me any less - it's simply a case of how each cat was most comfortable

What exactly are you calling 'no attention'? We humans often miss the little things with cats, especially when it comes to a broader definition of affection. Seeking you out, just to be in the same room as you, is a sign of affection. Asking for pets, even if only on head and back, is a sign of affection. Slow-blinking at you is a sign of affection. Rolling over and showing you her belly (even if it's strictly 'look but don't touch') is a sign of affection. Meeting you at the door when you come home is a sign of affection. I could go on! Cats just show affection differently to humans, so it's easy to miss the more subtle signs
25 Signs That Your Cat Loves You

 

[maggiedemi]

Is she a former feral? She sounds exactly like my two cats, they prefer just to hang out with us, but not sit on laps. They will sit beside us sometimes, and my boy cat likes to sit in a separate chair and have us pet him. Have you tried playing with her with a wand toy? Do you have a cat tree or cat shelves for her to climb on? Some cats just like to hang out and do their own thing.

 

[rubysmama]

How long have you had her? How old is she? Depending on those answers, she may in time become more of a lap cat / cuddlier.

My Ruby enjoys napping on my lap. And she loves head bumps. And patting her head and scratching under her chin. But she has no interest in belly rubs. And hates me touching her feet, which makes trimming her claws difficult. And she absolutely despises being picked up or restrained in any way.

As for doing all her chores and getting little in return, remember there must have been a reason someone made up this saying:

 

[aforumuser]

Some cats just aren't very cuddly/tactile. It's very common for cats to dislike their paws and belly being fussed with (I've had several cats that would swipe or bite me if I tried messing with those areas - belly especially). Not all cats are lap cats either. I've had maybe 13 cats over the years, and only two of those were truly lap-cats, though a couple more would occasionally like a lap-snuggle. The others didn't love me any less - it's simply a case of how each cat was most comfortable

What exactly are you calling 'no attention'? We humans often miss the little things with cats, especially when it comes to a broader definition of affection. Seeking you out, just to be in the same room as you, is a sign of affection. Asking for pets, even if only on head and back, is a sign of affection. Slow-blinking at you is a sign of affection. Rolling over and showing you her belly (even if it's strictly 'look but don't touch') is a sign of affection. Meeting you at the door when you come home is a sign of affection. I could go on! Cats just show affection differently to humans, so it's easy to miss the more subtle signs
25 Signs That Your Cat Loves You

The cat does acknowledge me from time to time. She exposes her belly and spends time with me. She is just very against cuddling or being restrained. If I put her on my lap she immediately jumps off. If I scruff her and put her on my lap she starts meowing and growling. Yet when I scruff her when she's on the floor she is very silent and content. Strange, she just really hates being on laps or very near humans.

Is she a former feral? She sounds exactly like my two cats, they prefer just to hang out with us, but not sit on laps. They will sit beside us sometimes, and my boy cat likes to sit in a separate chair and have us pet him. Have you tried playing with her with a wand toy? Do you have a cat tree or cat shelves for her to climb on? Some cats just like to hang out and do their own thing.

i don't think she is a former feral. her first owner passed away so the cat was given to the shelter. she was adopted again but then returned back to the shelter a year later due to "not being affectionate". so i believe i am her 3rd owner. I think her previous owners had several pets and she was the type of cat that would be brushed aside and not had much attention paid to her. thus her touch-aversion personality.

How long have you had her? How old is she? Depending on those answers, she may in time become more of a lap cat / cuddlier.

My Ruby enjoys napping on my lap. And she loves head bumps. And patting her head and scratching under her chin. But she has no interest in belly rubs. And hates me touching her feet, which makes trimming her claws difficult. And she absolutely despises being picked up or restrained in any way.

As for doing all her chores and getting little in return, remember there must have been a reason someone made up this saying:

i've had her for about a month and she is 3 years old

 

[rubysmama]

You've only had her a month, so she is still getting to know you. Not to mention, you're now her third owner. So she's been through a lot of changes in her short life. Also, at 3 years old, she's still pretty young, so her personality may change over time.

Try to find ways to play with her that she enjoys. My Ruby, at 6-ish, still loves to play "chase the ball".

As for getting your girl to be a lap cat, Ruby prefers to lay on my lap in the winter time when it's cooler. And she is especially drawn to my lap when I have my throw over me. So maybe when it gets cooler, try enticing her to your lap with a soft, warm throw or blanket.

 

[MeganLLB]

You need a dog if you want to cuddle. Or a teddy bear. But don't be disappointed that a cat doesn't want to cuddle. They are easily overstimulated.

 

[susanm9006]

As others have posted one month is really early in your relationship, with an adult cat, they sometimes need to take their time to first get to know you, and then get to trust you. The best thing you can do is to give the relationship time to grow on her terms. And, if in the end she ends up not being a cuddler, that doesn't mean that she can't still be a wonderful and loving family member.

 

[Letta]

I understand that you want to feel loved trust me. But cats not being dogs will become more and more distant if you force her to be on your lap. They like choice and that we respect their freedom. A cat will like laps only if he learns to go there himself.
Also the other difference with dogs is that the they are not pack animal. They don't need to be in a pack, therefore it takes time to build a relationship with a cat. A cat will bond to you but they need time, trust and lots of love.

My Luna is not a fan of laps either but I know that she loves. How? She follows me EVERY where (like a puppy), comes to seek me out daily for pets and cuddles (just not on the lap in her own way), suckles me, always reacts excited everytime when she sees me.. But how did I get her there? Time once again and most importantly choice. They will be time of the day when she does not want to be petted, she will show me it and I will respect it and very often 20 mins latter I have a little motor next to me asking for pets.

So giver her time please. And respect her choices. If she does not come on your lap it does not mean she is less of a good cat or that she will not ending bonding with you.

The other suggestions I would give is PLAY. Play is very important to cats, buy her a Da Bird or something like that and play with her daily. Even just 20 min a day can make a huge difference in your relationship. Think about it like a walk you would give to your dog.

 

[mama africa]

I'm sorry to hear disappointment because of the way your cat responds to the good care you're giving her. I think you should not despair and try to give her some more time to adapt to you and to her new environment. 1 month is a very short period to draw conclusions. Lowering expectations can also help to avoid disappointment.
My cat, Missy, (ferral; staying with me since she was 8 weeks old and now being 1 year 9 months) is not a cuddle cat or a lap cat either. honestly, I think she never will be. But I admire her for several other qualities; she enjoys playing with me and shows a lot of enthusiasm in doing so ; she keeps me company during the night; when I go to sleep, she follows me like a little dog and lays on the bed untill I wake up; she's very talkative and has rich vocabulary (meows, chirps, yaws, purrs, trills, chatter, hiss,...). But most of all I just enjoy Missy being herself; a cat with a great personality.

 

[happilyretired]

I was a little concerned with your comment 'How do I accept?' This may just be my own bias about cats, but the three that I've lived with each had distinct personalities, and I considered them as an 'other' and appreciated their unique attributes. I would not demand that another human being behave in a way that I could 'accept,' and I simply observe and respond to the way my cat wants to interact with me.

 

[PushPurrCatPaws]

As other posters have mentioned, 3-4 weeks is hardly any time at all! Especially if you have an older cat with a past such as hers. Even then, as Columbine and others explained very well above, she may not be a cuddler at heart. The best thing is not to force your physical attentions on her. The more you force it, the more tension there will be between you, and that is not a good atmosphere for her to feel calm around you, nor cuddly. Also, this is my opinion, but you should probably avoid "scruffing" her unless under very particular or necessary circumstances. It is not something they like.

 

[kissthisangel]

Cats are all different and show affection in different ways. My boy Charlie hates being picked up but if you point your finger at him he immediately runs at it and rubs his face allover it. I found this out when trying to inject some sort of discapline one day. He will very occasionally come and cuddle in at night as well, I quickly found out that if I try to cuddle him back he will just get off the bed, he doesn't like feeling he's not in control. Mojo, my little girl chooses when to sit on my left leg, and only my left leg she will not sit anywhere else unless you lie down. then she will edge her bum up to your chin basically sitting on your face.

I'd stop trying to get attention from the cat for a while, just pay attention to what the cat does, should give you an idea of when / how she does like affection.

 

[danteshuman]

Your cat may be semi-feral .... which if she still won't cuddle in 6 months might be true. If that is the case it might be wiser/easier to get a well socialized male kitten. Also not forcing your cat to cuddle, will make her more cuddly Each cat has their own personality. You can still receive a lot of love, even from a semi-feral cat. Getting the right pet is essential. If you want a pet to train like a dog; get a dog. If you want a cat; learn to speak cat

1 of my cats cuddles me to sleep right next to my chest every night. The other cat loves to sleep on my lap but can get tired of being petted. He sleeps by my feet every night. I love them both and they both love me. They just express their love differently. BTW the quit petting me cat, follows me every where! If I go down for a glass of water, he will follow me downstairs & up! They are both unique. like children, you love them for who they are

 

[aforumuser]

thank you all for the advice. i think i'm going to just have to accept that my cat is content with being left alone all day. I got home at around 7 pm today and focused on what i needed to do until around 9pm. the whole time she is sleeping. I then try to cuddle with her by having her near me and putting my arm around her but she just gets up and walks away and goes right to her food bowl to eat the food that i put out for her. and then goes to the litter box to take a big poop that i will have to scoop up in the morning and throw out in the trash. it just seems so odd to me. providing for this animal yet she won't give me just 5-10 minutes of cuddle time, or at least warm up and be receptive to know that i will not harm her if i get close. i don't think she is semi-feral, she tolerates pets on the bed and back, but if i get too close she simply just walks away every time. i guess i shouldn't whine about this ultimately and get use to it. it's only been a month and there really isn't any issue why she can't simply stay in my apartment. just the fact that her food and litter eats into my wallet but the costs are generally small

 

[sailon]

I got Maxine from a shelter when she was 3 years old. There were notes from her former owner so she wasn't feral, but other than that I know nothing of her former life.

From the start she was very sweet; never bit, clawed, or made any noise, but also very standoffish. She definitely didn't want to be handled. Whatever contact there was she wanted to initiate it.

To make a long story short, it took over a year for her to become more affectionate and "cuddly". She stills likes to initiate contact, and still doesn't like to be picked up, but now she always wants to be close to me or something I've handled. She'll nap on top of books I've been reading, or the TV remote, or her favorite - my stomach. Having said this, she's still pretty independent and I love that about her. She is, after all, a cat.

My suggestion is to just give it time. It's worth the wait.

 

[danteshuman]

It takes time. I have invested 10 years of love, affection, giving my cat choice to get my don't over pet me-just play with me cat to the cuddly point he is at now. Now I'm enjoying his more calm middle age.

I did teach my cats to sit. They know 'bed' = go to my bedroom, off= off the counter or get wet,dinner, no more (that is it treat wise), knock it off (quit bugging each other or I will pull out the squirt gun!) inside & outside to ... because I talk to them and use the same words/phrases. So cats are trainable... they are just more mob like. They do it for bribes instead of to please you (and by gently/

 

[danteshuman]

(gently nudging/guiding them off things or to a room... they will eventually go willingly because it is less inconvenient for them ... like the mob )

 

[rubysmama]

Maybe try making a big deal of her when you get home. Say "I'm home" when you come in the door. If she doesn't come greet you, say "her name, where are you?" Keep saying her name, till you find wherever it is she's sleeping. Then say "there you are." Even if she's asleep, pat her on the head. Scratch her chin. Tell her you missed her. Ask if she missed you. Ask her if she had a good day. Then ask "are you hungry?" Then go get her food ready. Don't just put it down, show her the dish and say "dinner's ready". Get her to understand those words mean food. And that you are the food provider. Course the result will be her eating, not cuddling with you, but at least she'll be responding to your words and actions.

Try not to expect too much from her. She is a cat and cats are by nature, independent creatures. That's why they can be left alone all day while their owner's are gone. And they do offer their affection on their terms. Usually when they want something.

What's your girl's name? Do you have a picture you can post of her?

 

[Purr-fect]

Forumuser, I understand your disappointment when your cat doesnt return your affection. And I am hearing almost resentment in your voice that you feed, house and care for the cat, at your expense and get little in return. A reasonable reaction.

Some thoughts:

This cat has had a disruptive life. It has survived on its independence. Until it sees stability in its life, it may be reluctant to bond, after all....why bother you may not be there tomorrow in its mind. One month hasnt been enough time to create a sense of stability, security and dependence.

You are gone most of the day and dont get home till 7pm, then you have other responsibilites to tend to....as do many of us. But while you are gone, you cat depends on its own company to survive and this may not change just because you got home.

I would spend as much time as you can with the cat, doing things she likes, even if thats just staring out a window. I found spending time and playing with them helps. They know that when you are around....they feel good.

And I wouldnt be above bribing her with treats when you pet her. Perhaps put a treat in your lap and let her climb into it to get the treat. It will take time....and it may never happen....she may have had a bad experience in someones lap.

But even if she never is a lap cat, she is YOUR cat and you are giving her a good life. Afterall it isnt all about us, its partly what we can do to enrich their lives. Though I admit it still stings a bit when they ignore us. But that makes the good times even more special.

Our cats greg and Arnold, although fraternal brothers, have very differnt personalities. Gerg isn't a cuddler, but arnold most certainly is. But greg makes us laugh, plays with arnold and does have his affectionate moments.

As forest gump said...."cats are like a box of chocolates..........."