How Did You Cope After Making The Decision To Euthanize?

pushylady

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It is natural to second guess yourself and say "if only" when we lose someone we love. It's a phase of the grieving process. You are going through this process veronica00 veronica00 now, and unfortunately it's not easy and there's no way around it. Just time. You WILL start to feel better, and you WILL stop blaming yourself. I hope you can soon come to see how lucky Petey was to have a human who loved him so. You did all that you could for him and you gave him a wonderful life where he was cherished. He was a lucky cat indeed. You won't ever forget him and you'll never really be OK that he died, but you definitely will come to accept his passing and know that you gave him a good life.
Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to be comforted by your other two cats. :hugs:
 

neely

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I should not have allowed his stay in ICU. I believe in my heart that stress kept him from responding. I really cannot cope with these feelings.. I am desolate
What I am about to stay comes from the heart and in no way should be misconstrued as harsh or disrespectful. Many of us including @babiesmom5 are worried about you. Remember what you told us the vet said that if Petey did not have the steroids he would not have survived at the time. No one, not even your vet, has a crystal ball although I wish we did. You are right that stress affects animals just like people but it more than likely wasn't stress that kept him from responding. Please, please remember that Petey lived a rich and full life with the help of your tender loving care. You were his hero and visa versa. Keep those memories close to you forever and ever. :hugs:

You mentioned seeing a therapist to help you with your grief. If you don't mind my asking, have you contacted anyone yet? If not, it might be a good idea to get extra help and support from a therapeutic professional. I wish I could take away your grief but I cannot. However, we are all here to listen. :grouphug:
 
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veronica00

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I have come to the conclusion that had I taken him to the ER on Wednesday night, he would be with me today. I do not understand why I didn't I knew that last time the big sign was not coming down to breakfast, yet eating when I brought it to him.

I brought him downstairs and he ate his dinner and part of his brother's dinner. He sat in the living room on the couch next to me watching TV and even jumped down to look out the screen slider for a bit then came back over. I convinced myself he was okay and I will NEVER understand WHY? Laziness? Stress from work? I even thought about taking the next day off and thought no, I'd rather take Friday and have a long weekend, I'm overreacting as usual. What a great long weekend it was watching my best buddy die.

When he first didn't come down I texted my traveling vet who comes to the house for the cats:
"New development.. Petey didn't come down for dinner (the only other time that happened was when he was anemic and needed a blood transfusion) he also hadn't been eating much before this"

Her response:
"Ok let's get some blood work on him tomorrow. Or if you think that he is really down and out right now then consider emergency room, but his gums were nice and pink when I saw him so I would be surprised if this is the same thing right now."

That appeased me. I felt relieved. The next day I had a busy day at work, then dinner with my mom and got home around 6:15. He came down for dinner but was definitely moving slow. I would not take him to the ER until Friday. 2 days, he could have been saved but for my decisions. I watch the house camera footage of me on the couch patting my dying cat pretending he wasn't as sick as he actually was.

WHY?!?! I had been so careful, so vigilant. WHY when it actually mattered did I CONVINCE myself he was okay. I know I convinced myself because even on Friday I wasn't sure he needed to be seen but told the traveling vet I probably couldn't wait until Monday as she suggested.

I do not know how to recover from this. I don't eat all day because my heart is tight and my stomach is twisted in knots. I just want to be able to say "I did everything I could for him, we tried but this disease was too much the second time around", but I can't say that. I am tortured with the responsibility for his death due to my own poor decisions.
 

stephanietx

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Call the grief hotline above and also talk to a professional counselor.

You made no poor decisions. You made the only decision you could've made at the time. Rather than dwell on your perceived poor decisions, think on the many wonderful memories you have of your Petey. He was well loved, cared for, and had a wonderful life with you.

Sadly, all of our pets die. It's part of pet ownership. As much as I would love to keep all my kitties alive with me, that's just not possible. Sometimes they leave us sooner than we would like. Sometimes we have them for a longer period of time, but they are just here on loan to us to care for them, love them, and be loved by them in return.

He was not neglected. His health care was not neglected. You keep focusing on your decisions. There is absolutely NO way to know that if you would've gotten him to a different vet or tried a different medication or approach that he'd still be alive. If he would've survived, you also don't know what kind of quality of life he would've had. That would've been a different kind of torture.

You did all the right things. You loved him well. You treasured him. You sought medical attention when he needed it. If our kitties could survive on love, my Callie would still be here with me. Again, I encourage you to look back on the many good memories you have of your time with him.
 

laura mae

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Well, you didn't do this. Medical care for animals or humans is called a "practice" because even with all of the science, research and expertise available in veterinary medicine, it is never a sure thing. And you are not a vet. You took him to the vet, you mentioned issues when they arose to your vet. Without any of the procedures, your kitty would have gone sooner. He couldn't have made it without everything you and your vet did. Individual animals have different challenges and strengths and sometimes no matter what you do, it does not save your cat. As others have mentioned, the 2nd guessing is part of the process. As their caregiver, we are used to making sure our cats are fed well, loved and safe. When they become ill and die unexpectedly, the loss not only is difficult because you miss this being, but also because it upsets the agreement we make with ourselves for our pets safety and care. As much as we wish it were different, we cannot overcome things that an individual cat does not have the capacity to battle health wise.

You are clearly a responsible and caring person and your vet tried a variety of things to save your cat. Even if you had the expertise to research and question every procedure and decision, I think it is the case it would not have changed the outcome and maybe at the very best, bought a little more time that may have been uncomfortable or even unbearably frightening for your cat (not being able to breath).

Cats are very much in the present moment sort of beings and all your kitty knew was how much you loved him to the very last minute. And that is all that mattered to your cat. They love comfort and routine and I think we can all agree--really dislike medical procedures, medicine taking and sure don't like suffering. You made the hardest and most responsible decision that a person makes for their pets---sparing him more of that knowing that all the things a healthy kitty loves, was no longer an option for your friend.

Most of vet care is to try something and then do watchful waiting to see if it works. Even if you had gotten him to the vet sooner, there doesn't seem to have been a way to prevent his death but he would have spent more of his final days in a hospital rather than with you. And we know for a fact, home more and hospital less is what every cat prefers.

It's good to feel grief and sadness at your loss. You lost a family member. That is devastating. Allow yourself to grieve this important change but also find some room to know the truth--that you did everything you personally could and a hell of a lot more than many would have done.
 

kittens mom

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I just want to share something you said about couples sharing the grief. It doesn't work that way. Each of us have an individual relationship with our cats. My grief was and still is very different than my husbands. In fact we had a few of the worst fights in our marriage while we were both so stressed out.
Know that you made the right choice. Their lives full of love and care and happiness should not be diminished by suffering and endless pain in the end. You did the right thing but there is no escaping the pain that comes with it. You will ride it out. I have come to the personal believe that the only way to truly honor one that is lost is to offer a new one in need the same chance at that life.
 

kittens mom

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Going on two years there is a hole in our home that will never be filled. Loss is inevitable. Sometimes is expected as we see our pets age and sometimes it's just unfair to the cat and to us. The only way to truly affirm their lives and they place they had in our hearts is to offer the same to another cat in need of a home if possible. There are three lives, four if you count Tera that are loved and in a home now because we lost Kitten. Not one of them is here to replace HER. She is as loved as missed and cried over as ever but we also love the new babies in our lives. Our pets will almost always pass before us leaving us with that home that has no heartbeat. You can choose to live in a void with your grief or share the love that's going to waste. This is something no one told me about grieving a lost cat. Their death is more than just a loss it's coming home to that house that has an echo it feels so empty. It touches every aspect of your life. You literally don't know what to do with yourself. Mercy came home less than a week after Kitten's death. Almost by fluke but we bonded on the spot. Again this isn't replacing but sharing because along with all that grief and angst is all the love you gave another bottled up. Love is the healing emotion it's OK to hug a new cat and cry for the one lost at the same time.
 

misty8723

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I'm so sorry for your loss.

For myself I think it was the most devastating thing I've ever done. Darcy had FIP and we kept her with us for longer than most would have I'm sure, but as long as she was still enjoying life at least somewhat if not at her former level, we and our vet did our best for her. But there came a time when her suffering was evident. It's been over 2.5 years and I don't think I'll ever get over sitting there holding her little body at the end. I'm far more at peace with our Cindy who we allowed to die in her own time, with pain medicine to help her cross over, than I am with being the one to decide when it was time for Darcy to go.
 
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