How Did You Cope After Making The Decision To Euthanize?

[weemomma]

When I lost my soul cat three years ago, I was struck by some words that my vet gave me. He was a good cat who had to battle a bad illness. He fought as hard as he could but he just couldn't survive it. I struggled a long time with his passing. He was alone. He wasn't supposed to die. Was he scared? Did he feel abandoned?

I know in the end he simply curled up and went to sleep. His little body was tired. I didn't even want them to do an necropsy because I couldn't handle the thought of him being cut open. So he came home to me in an urn. It took months before I felt better. Slowly, I stopped cradling that urn. I spend more time with his little sister. I loved her as much as I could and I realized that she might have missed him in the beginning but she soon forgot.

I didn't ever forget. I haven't forgotten how he declined and I haven't forgotten how he looked in the last photo the vet sent me before he died. My chest still feels tight when I think about him. It does get better. You will live through this. You will love those other kitties through this as well.

 

[babiesmom5]

Thank you @mokapi dealing with guilt on top of grief and loss is destroying me. I do not know how I will find joy again. Such a big part of my life was making Petey happy - a toy he might like, a new dog bed (he was a big boy and like dog beds where he could stretch out.

My house and my heart are empty tonight without him. I never actually believed he wouldn't recover no matter how worried I got.

No truer words were ever spoken than "I never actually believed he wouldn't recover no matter how worried I got".

As I related the story about my little boy's last days in your first thread near the end (now locked), I remember the vet tech bringing him to the waiting room wrapped in a blanket with just his head sticking out for me to say "goodbye". I remember kissing him like I always did and NEVER, NEVER, EVER thinking this was the last time I would see him alive. That last memory of his cute little face is permanently etched in my brain.

As result of that, each day I wake up and first thing I do is greet and kiss each cat. I do the same thing before going to bed as the last thing I do.

It really makes you realize the fragility of life. Treat each day with your babies as a GIFT.

 

[riley1]

I will read the thread now. The emptiness and profound sorrow I feel is worse than I could have ever imagined. I don't know how to even function. I have to try to go to work tomorrow and I have absolutely no idea how I will accomplish that. I don't even want to sit by the tv tonight where Petey would join me always right up next to me.

I think I tried so hard to make him happy and his happiness was most of what I looked forward to in life. This might be because I almost lost him 2 years ago and was so grateful he was still with me.

I am sorry you are hurting! The night before I put Rizzo to sleep was the worst! We went through all of our normal things like watching TV and sleeping side by side. I could not cry because he would get upset and go to the second floor. Your kitty is fine now. He is on the other side and nothing can hurt him. We, who are left behind have to go through this pain. Keep talking to us and to him! Cry as many times per day as you want. Work helped me think about other things. I put his picture, special things and later his ashes on the fireplace mantel with a candle. I would sit in the dark with the lit candle and tell him everything I feel and all the things I was sorry for. Look at the Crossing the Bridge forum and read others stories; it will help!

 

[laura mae]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend. It's the worst, no doubt about it. It was unbelievable for me with my first cat who I had for 19 years. I questioned myself constantly on what I might have done differently to save her. The plain fact of the matter though is that she had multiple complications due to her advanced age and there just wasn't anything to be done. I grieved for quite a while and still miss this cat. Her name was Hazel. It was 13 years ago! She was an exceptional cat though, in my eyes. She went through grad school with me, moved from Indiana to Kansas and ultimately Washington state with me. She was with me through a failed marriage and a few jobs. I cried in private every day for a long time after she was gone. I still put a rainbow ball on the Christmas tree that has her teeth marks in it :-).

Last summer I lost two sibling sister cats, Charlie and then Etta. This was about 6 months after Estelle the cat collapsed from some sort of brain thing-may have been an aneurysm. I thought Charlie was constipated but it was a massive tumor in her abdomen. I too had promised to bring her home and so I did. I had some pain medication for her and prednisolone which helped her feel a bit better for a while. When it looked like she was having trouble swallowing, I made the decision. I was mournful of course, because she was the sweetest cat and even though she had a check up just a few months earlier, I worried that I'd let her down for not noticing that she might be sick. I felt that she had another good week by me bringing her home and I was there with her holding her in my lap. She was totally aware (which absolutely made it heart-wrenching) but then when she got the first shot to sleep, I felt both sad and relieved that she was comfortable and not in pain at that moment. I was so sad when she was really gone, but still relieved that she wasn't suffering and that she didn't have to be stressed because of the change in body functions because of the tumor. Her sister, a couple of months later was much more difficult. Etta presented also with a swollen belly about 2 weeks after Charlie died, and it was just unbelievable that it was happening again. I took her to a specialist, they drained the fluid, did a test of the fluid with a vet specialist lab, fancy ultrasound. It wasn't certain it was cancer but only a biopsy would have given the true info, but it was going to have to be an open abdominal biopsy. I knew that if it was cancer, with cats chemo isn't really all that successful for long ( months if you are lucky apparently). I didn't want her to spend her last days in pain from such a surgery that would lead to nothing being cured.

I regret deeply making her take all the medications prescribed to try to control what was happening in her body. She did it, but complained in a way that told me the process was quite unpleasant for her. We always got the medication into her relatively quickly, but having to do this twice a day was difficult. She became severely anemic and couldn't breath and my regular vet didn't see the point of trying other things since there wasn't anything readily causing her breathing difficulty. Clearly it was all related and likely cancer of some sort too. The last night we had, she came and slept by my head--like she used to. It seemed that she knew it was her last night and I suspected at the time it was. I didn't make her take her medications that night and I am glad for that.

The weird thing is that I had to wait until 6 that next night. They had her on oxygen so at least she wasn't stressed from not being able to get air. I was short on cat food for the others and so before our appointment, I had to go get cat food for the others. That felt surreal knowing that when I went to the vet, it wasn't to pick her up, but to euthanize her. By this point, I'd been through it enough to know hopeless when I saw it (just wish I had seen it earlier) Her loss still brings some tears, but like with Charlie, I knew it was the right thing to do at the time. I was so sad and yet relieved she wasn't suffering and that I wasn't angst-ridden wondering if I was contributing to suffering by avoiding the decision. I was with her as well until the end. I like to think that it makes it easier for them. She also was quite the cat.

Charlie and Etta were only 13 and so I thought I had a long time still. I still have their brother, Jeffery. But I learned that their mom had the same sort of condition---mass in the abdomen, fluid retention, about a year earlier than the girls. Some sort of hereditary thing, likely.

I think every cat is different and every person has a different sort of bond or relationship with their pets. I don't regret having these ones in my life even though I knew that their lives would pass quickly as pets lives do. I think what I have learned is not to go too far down the road of intervention. With things that are resolvable, yes. For things like cancer, no.

 

[danteshuman]

Maybe having a degenerative disease my perspective is different. You have to look at the fine line between living and just existing. Worse our pets can't tell us when they are hurting. I felt relief when Sarah was finally put to sleep ... and at the same time I wanted to hold onto her. I had to recognize that holding onto her might make me feel better, but it wouldn't make her feel better. I think if I had to put one my boys to sleep, I would bring the other one to the vet, and let them see/smell the other one after they had passed on ... that or bring their body home with me. Lastly there are now mobile vets, which can give you the option of allowing your cat to die at home. In Sarah's case she was sedated first, we said goodbye, and then she was put to sleep while we petted her and talked to her.

 

[veronica00]

I was unable to get myself to go to work today. I am really barely functioning. I don't remember the grief being this bad when I lost my dogs in the past. I just keep thinking how fast this happened and what I could have done to prevent it. It is amazing to me to realize how much of my thoughts and my happiness was wrapped up in Petey. On my ride home from work I would get excited to see my animals when I got home. I thought it was all of them but now it feels like just Petey. Or the dynamic Petey created.

I worry, his brother and sister are not doing well. I hope they can get past the loss and confusion they must feel. I have no joy in life and I don't see this ever changing. I can't eat and barely try to get some water into me. I don't know what I'll do all day, I wish I could have gone with him.

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I think everybody who has ever made this decision has a real struggle to overcome their grief. I prayed that my cats would just go ahead and leave. None of them did. We have had seven cats and made that decision six times. Every time was a struggle. I can look back at all six times and say we overcame it by taking one day at the time and working through our grief. None of our cats died a natural death.

 

[neely]

I was unable to get myself to go to work today. I am really barely functioning. I don't remember the grief being this bad when I lost my dogs in the past. I just keep thinking how fast this happened and what I could have done to prevent it.

I think you made the right decision not to go into work today. If you are suffering and need to take what I call a mental health day then by all means do it. I think we all second guess ourselves when our best fur friend passes away and consider what could we have done differently to prevent it. Sometimes I have even thought did I wait too long, did my cat or dog suffer unnecessarily. I hope that Petey's brother and sister will help you get through your pain, the three of you need one another right now. Sending special thoughts and prayers your way from all of us.

 

[posiepurrs]

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I am facing it as I type this. My girl is dying of lung cancer and I have to make the decision. As hard as it is, please remember the love your baby had for you and you for him. Let that comfort you. Hugs.

 

[veronica00]

Besides the absolute grief and missing this funny little man in my house, the guilt is the thing that is throwing me over the edge. like my decisions caused this problem. He didn't even die of anemia, he died of cardiac failure due to either the steroids or the multiple transfusions. I think the steroids because he was holding steady at 12% but vet said his respiration was bad. Why didn't we do an xray instead of jumping to another transfusion that was too much for him?!

Docs say he was sick and had been sick and he just couldn't fight it off but i feel such gut wrenching guilt that I didn't take him out of that ICU. Like all the meds i approved over taxed him, all the stress of that environment shut him down.

I haven't eaten since Monday night and can literally hardly function with this second guessing of everything. I could have brought him home and if he went downhill brought him back. How did we end up killing him with these meds?

 

[neely]

Please don't blame yourself, I know you feel partially responsible but it's not your fault and I'm sure the vet did what they thought was right at the time. Petey's body was most likely failing him and sometimes it's completely out of our hands. I can't take the guilt away from you and wouldn't try because I know if it were me I'd feel the exact same way you are feeling now. But please try to get some nourishment, especially for the sake of your other two kitties. I'm sure they are hurting too and you need one another.

 

[darcifinn]

Hi -

I am so sorry about your loss. Today has been one month since I lost my boy Finnegan. He had Chylothorax and we fought hard to save him. He was my heart and I cried ALOT. His sister still looks for him. Honestly only thing that helped was about two weeks ago we committed to rescue two kittens being brought in from Kuwait. They arrived two days ago. They will never take his place but they will add a lot of love to our house. I cried less but I would be lying if I did not say I was crying as I type this. It's just really hard when you lose a piece of your heart.

 

[babiesmom5]

Besides the absolute grief and missing this funny little man in my house, the guilt is the thing that is throwing me over the edge. like my decisions caused this problem. He didn't even die of anemia, he died of cardiac failure due to either the steroids or the multiple transfusions. I think the steroids because he was holding steady at 12% but vet said his respiration was bad. Why didn't we do an xray instead of jumping to another transfusion that was too much for him?!

Docs say he was sick and had been sick and he just couldn't fight it off but i feel such gut wrenching guilt that I didn't take him out of that ICU. Like all the meds i approved over taxed him, all the stress of that environment shut him down.

I haven't eaten since Monday night and can literally hardly function with this second guessing of everything. I could have brought him home and if he went downhill brought him back. How did we end up killing him with these meds?

I know you are racked with guilt, but you shouldn't be. There were no good options here. The options were bad and worse...bad if he stayed in ICU...worse if you had brought him home at 12%. How would you have felt if you had brought him home and then he started suffocating? A 12% PCV is DANGER ZONE for blood oxygen level! Unless you lived next door to the hospital, it is doubtful if you could have gotten him back in time.

I think you have many unanswered questions. They are all valid, and best explained by your Vet. When I lost my little boy I too had a lot of why's and what if's. As I wrote yesterday, my boy was suppose to come home the day after Thanksgiving. Suddenly, without warning, on Thanksgiving Day, things took a dramatic turn for the worst when a septic reaction overtook his entire body and he passed away a few hours later. I was not even with him as the hospital was 1 1/2 hours away.

I requested a private meeting with his Vet to discuss and review every aspect of his care. My Vet was very agreeable to meeting with myself and my husband and to answer any questions. So several days later, my husband and I met privately with the vet. I had written down all of my questions, concerns, what if's etc. My vet answered each and every one of them carefully and honestly explaining in detail each decision that was made, the consequences of doing vs not doing it. This meeting lasted well over an hour. It went a long way toward allaying my fears, concerns, worries, guilt and most important, I came away with the knowledge that everything that COULD have been done for him WAS done and that he did not suffer at the end. This provided important closure and enabled me to proceed with my grief journey minus the guilt.

I would suggest that you consider doing the same. Take a friend with you for a second set of ears. Write down your questions, concerns, fears--no question is out of line. You certainly wouldn't be the first to request such a meeting, and as a professional, he does owe it to you.

I know you are hurting and in great pain right now. I totally empathize. Until you can set up this meeting, focus NOT on second guessing, but on your other kitties who need you very badly right now. They are hurting too and don't understand. Love and comfort them.

Please do take care of yourself because you can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself. Try to get some rest and nourishment. It will help your mind focus more clearly.

Hugs and prayers.

 

[veronica00]

B babiesmom5 I'm sorry I could not respond to your post on the other thread as it was locked. I am so sorry your little one passed before you could get to him, but it is good that he did not suffer. My little one suffered I feel.

I did speak to the vet for about 20 minutes last night and he basically said if we didn't do the steroids he would not have survived. So it was basically taking a chance he would not suffer the side effects because otherwise he would not have gotten better. He also told me I could call with any questions if I have more.

I wish to God that I could proceed with my grief journey minus the guilt as you did. I know it would not make this easy, but at least I could feel human again and not constantly sick to my stomach and crying, unable to sleep.

He had a hotspot start about 3 weeks ago and just started clearing up when this anemia started. I had 2 different vets examine the hotspot also knowing his history and neither was concerned. I can't help but think this hotspot is what began to throw his immune system into the downward spiral. I wish I had insisted on an antibiotic instead of letting it linger and clear up on its own. I felt very uncomfortable about that hotspot but when it cleared I was happy for a couple days before the anemia began.

I just wish I could feel that Petey had a disease, we saved him once and got him 2 more good years but couldn't save him the second time. Instead I feel that my decisions caused his death.

 

[veronica00]

darcifinn I understand how that would help, how is your resident cat doing with the kittens? There is such a gaping empty hole in our house, when I feel ready I may look to adopt again. Petey's brother Charlie sat in the kitchen at 3am and wailed so horribly this morning I wasn't sure what it was at first. He misses Pete so much, Petey would go in the kitchen every morning between 3-4am for some water and hang out there. I was heartbroken to see Charlie in that spot crying frantically. His sister does not like him so he really lost his best friend and companion as did I.

 

[babiesmom5]

I am very glad that you were able to speak to the Vet last night. It is good that he is willing to talk further and discuss any further questions you might have. He sounds honest.

Your vet is correct in saying if he did NOT do the steroids, Petey would not have survived. Yes, it was a chance he took that Petey would not have the side effects. But without the steroids, he would have NO chance. It was a roll of the dice, but offered the best odds.

I wondered (but did not ask you) exactly what caused the anemia flare in the first place.
You are entirely correct that the hotspot started the downward spiral. The hotspot was caused by an inflammatory reaction which is caused by the immune system. Petey had "immune-mediated hemolytic anemia". His immune system was compromised...just as my boy's was.
In my case, it was Inflammatory Bowel Disease that led to the anemia.

The only treatment for this is to tamp down the immune system; ie.steroids.
Know and remember this: Without steroids...he had NO chance. With steroids...ONLY chance.

Your decision did NOT NOT NOT NOT cause his death! It gave him the ONLY chance he had.

Your Petey, like my little boy, had a most horrific disease. There is no cure.

In my case, steroids, transfusion, etc saved him once...and gave him almost another year of quality life. He was such a happy go lucky boy. He absolutely LOVED life. But just like your boy, I couldn't save him the second time.

Rather than beating yourself up for something that is entirely NOT your fault, use the knowledge and experience you have gleaned by Petey and use it to help others facing this horrible disease. While there aren't many fortunately, there are some. Keep Petey's spirit alive by helping others. I think he, and my little boy would want that.

I do know Petey loved you very much. He would not want to see you blaming yourself or becoming ill. He would be sad to hear this. He would want you to care for Charlie, give Charlie lots of extra love. He needs it now more than ever.


And when, or if, you are ready to adopt again in the future, perhaps consider adopting Petey's donor cat, or another donor cat who has given unselfishly so other cats may live. These cats deserve a good home too. This is what I plan to do in the future. I feel sure my little boy would approve!

 

[veronica00]

Your decision did NOT NOT NOT NOT cause his death! It gave him the ONLY chance he had.

Thank you for your message B babiesmom5 especially that quote, I wish I could convince myself of that.

I asked both vets (the vet who initially examined him for the hotspot and the ICU vet at Tufts) and they both tell me it was likely unrelated. I agree with you that it seems like it started there and just kicked into overdrive attacking his rbc's. I don't know why my vet wouldn't be more cautious if that was the case though. I brought him to 2 vets initially and both said no to antibios. I wonder if we had done that if he would be sitting next to me right now. Again, my failure.

6 months ago in February he had a "hotspot" scab on his ear and a different vet him a convenia injection and it went away much more quickly. I wonder if letting it linger caused the issue. This tears my heart out because I should have just insisted on a shot. He then had some diarrhea which I texted to the vet but apparently wasn't a red flag.

I did fail him. It's our job to question the vets, I did but not enough. The ICU vet may have been trying to make me feel better but he said it was unlikely the hotspot caused his anemia and even if he had an antibio shot that could have caused a problme too, we just never know. He said Petey didn't live in a bubble and ything could set this off. Makes me wonder how many close calls we've had.

Last March a URI ran through all 3 cats.. I was terrified when Petey started sneezing and he had such intense congestion he would hide under my bed and sound awful. But nothing came of it.I felt so lucky as I thought for sure it would cause an issue.

Why oh why did I get so lax with this hotspot/diarrhea issue?!

 

[babiesmom5]

I know you are looking for answers. I think there are clues here that, in hindsight, all point to and confirm a compromised immune system.

The "hotspots" did not directly cause the anemia, but rather were an "INDICATOR" of an inflammatory response caused by a compromised immune system. The ICU vet was indeed correct in telling you that the hotspot did not directly cause the anemia. Repeated hotspots, on his ear and elsewhere, the URI that caused him so much congestion, were all "indicators" of an underlying inflammatory issues caused by a compromised immune system.

In hindsight, one can connect the dots here, but at the time, each of these issues were dealt with in isolation. No one connected the dots.

Not one of these issues, in isolation caused the anemia, but were all individually and totally INDICATIVE of an inflammatory response caused by a compromised immune system.

I had a cat, my very first cat actually, a beautiful all white kitty, who had a hotspot on her belly. She would lick all the hair off till it was bald and bleeding. She was put on a steroid which she received daily throughout her life. This hotspot was caused by an inflammatory response caused by a compromised immune system. The daily steroid fortunately kept it in check and she never developed anemia.

Perhaps a steroid early on might have been beneficial to Petey in tamping down his immune system. We'll never know. My boy, after he was diagnosed with IBD, was immediately put on a steroid...but still developed severe anemia and we know where that led.

I really don't think you can fault yourself for not asking enough questions. How did you know back then what questions to ask? You didn't really.

We, along with our vets, make decisions based upon WHAT WE KNOW AT THAT TIME.
We cannot be faulted for not knowing THEN, what we know now.

We can only use the knowledge we have now to move forward, learn from experience and apply our knowledge to another cat. Speaking of, I would watch Petey's " brother" if he is a biological brother. There is often a genetic component to these immune diseases.

I hope this explanation helps, if only a small bit.

 

[veronica00]

Petey's brother is not biological.

Now I feel 100% completely at fault for not doing enough for Petey. I Killed him. I wish I could go with him.

I tried, I see people on these forums that wait and wait and don't consult a vet and they get away with it. I consulted a vet the minute I saw each hotspot. His congestion was a contagious URI that all 3 cats got and he got it last so I do not think that was out of the ordinary at all! If his immune system was compromised at the time he would have not held out the longest in getting sick.

I wish I had taken him to ER 2 saturdays ago when the diarrhea happened.. or at least a week ago Wednesday when he didn't come down to dinner. I texted his vet that night and she said if I felt he needed it I could take him to ER BUT that "his gums were nice and pink when I saw him so I would be surprised if this is the same thing right now" .. that appeased me. But it shouldn't have. I wanted to be appeased. I KNEW he wasn't right and I did NOTHING!!! That 48 hours could have saved him.

Or at minimum I should not have allowed his stay in ICU. I believe in my heart that stress kept him from responding.

I really cannot cope with these feelings.. I am desolate

 

[babiesmom5]

To all here who have responded to veronica00 or who have been reading and following this thread...I NEED HELP!

All here on TCS can agree that veronica00 is deeply despondent over the loss of her cat. She is experiencing overwhelming grief. We can all empathize having been down this sad road.

But, it appears that veronica00 is consumed with misplaced and inappropriate guilt.

We all know IT WAS NOT HER FAULT!

Can others here please weigh in.

Thank you!