How can I forgive myself for my cat's death?

[emelyssa]

My beautiful cat Nite passed away on January 9. All I can think about is that if I had followed my gut instead of my vet's bad advice, he might still be here. I am having so much trouble with guilt emotions on top of the greatest loss in my life so far. Here is what happened:

Four years ago, I rescued two feral cats, my lovely Nite and Fright Nite. I worked with them a long time and tamed them and then I brought them into my home. They were both FIV Positive.

This September, Fright Nite (only six years old) died suddenly due to an undiagnosed heart issue called HCIM (there were absolutely no symptoms) so I took his brother Nite in for bloodwork to make sure he didn't have this issue, too. There was no evidence of any heart issue, but his kidney levels were suspicious and I was told he might be in stage 1 of kidney disease. They did a urinalysis the next day and it was normal, so the doctor said not to worry about changing diets right now, but just to repeat bloodwork in four weeks. The bloodwork four weeks later came back normal. They should have had me do the kidney diet anyway! I asked, if this was your kitty, would you do it? And I was told no, not to worry about it.

Then I brought him in a couple months later with an eye infection and the vet said he had bad teeth. BUT that she couldn't take a close enough look. He had dental cleaning a couple years ago and he's been on dental treats since. I asked, should I schedule him for dental cleaning? She said not to bother because it will just immediately get bad again.

I noticed that he had stopped being such a playful cat, though otherwise his behavior was normal. I thought he was grieving for Fright Nite. But then I noticed he started losing weight so I brought him back in for new bloodwork in the beginning of January. It turned out he had a serious dental issue and needed a tooth removed. The doctor said he must be in a lot of pain based on the issue. But his bloodwork results the next day showed that he was in stage 2 kidney disease. And this never would have happened (maybe) if he was on the kidney food to begin with. They gave him sub fluids and medications. I wanted him hospitalized; the vet strongly recommended against it and said he would be better off at home. That weekend he declined. They wouldn't take my concerns seriously and acted like I was crazy. I brought him back in and she examined him and gave him more fluids and still recommended strongly against hospitalization. She said, you have to trust me and follow my guidance. The next day he declined and declined and declined. I took him to the emergency hospital and he went into cardiac arrest and died very soon after he got there. At the time that I brought him in, he was severely dehydrated (despite the sub q fluids the day before), he was very cold and had low blood pressure. He was in shock. The ER vet was telling me they most likely couldn't save him and then he coded, right then.

My cat was FIV positive. My primary vet knew that and should have taken any concerns with his health more seriously. They should have recommended and prescribed the kidney diet the first sign of any issue and not led me to think, no big deal. And later, she should have done an ultrasound and x-ray to see more about what was going on, and she should have supported and recommended hospitalization. I don't want to blame her, but she failed me and maybe he would have died no matter what, but now I'll never know. I don't want to blame her and I have to forgive her, but the more I think about it I don't feel like I can trust anyone at that office again.

I am feeling very angry with myself for following the advice of the vet instead of trusting my instincts. It is awful to lose both of my six year old boys just months apart. Nite might still be here if not for all of this.

I feel like a monster for not insisting on the kidney diet back in October, for not insisting on the dental work in December, and for not hospitalizing him when I really thought it was the right thing to do. Life without Fright Nite was already bad, but life without Nite is empty. This pain is the worst. Thanks for reading, and for any advice or words you would care to share.

 

[danteshuman]

I know that often we blame ourselves with what if’s! I’m so deeply sorry for your loss!

Instead of focusing on what you did wrong; you can focus on how to do things differently in the future. I still feel guilty for taking my cat to the vet (in the small hope I was wrong & he was getting better) instead of letting the mobile vet come to his house; so his passing could have been more peaceful! I can’t change the past but I can make different choices in the future.

Perhaps when you are ready you can foster? There always Mama cats in need of a safe place to raise your family. Since you regret following your vet’s advice; maybe you should get a new vet?

Since I love house panthers, here are 3 black cat art works (& a poem.) I’m so sorry you lost your beloved Nite! I hope cherished memories of Nite help ease your pain over time.

 

[Tik cat's mum]

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did what you could for your boy. Grief is full of ifs and buts. Please be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up, you was doing what the vet advised that's what I would of done. Unfortunately vets don't always get things right because they are human. Your not to blame for what happened. I took one of my boy's to the vets and just had a feeling he needed antibiotics for cat flu, the vet insisted he was fine, two days later I was at the emergency vet dealing with a cat that couldn't stand because of a middle ear infection. What I'm saying is that we can't see the future none of us can and we can only act on the advice and options we are given at the time. And I'm sure your boy would agree with that.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Fright Nite and Nite, dream you deep, Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

I know how you must feel. I do. But you listened to what should have been expert advice. You have nothing to feel guilty for, as you could not know what you did not know. One day, this ache will be less, and I hope that you can see that. Meanwhile, both of your boys are now in That Place Where All Things Are Known, and they bless you for doing what you knew to do for them. And their love, now translated and purified into Love, they send back to you, to walk beside you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[Margot Lane]

It’s hard, cos they have all the power and the knowledge & all sometimes we have is a deep instinct that Something Just Isn’t So. It is hard to combat an official when they hold all the cards! Don’t blame yourself—- your grief speaks volumes and think how much more loved they were with you than without. Agree w/ Dante’s human…this will just give you a chance to do MORE right by the next lil kitty in your future, in honor of Frite Nite and Nite. You made all the right choices for them you could in the moment, which is always so emotionally charged…forgive yourself, maybe make an altar or a rite for your sweeties, and take a deep breath. Your kitties are are telling you they are filled with nothing but love, forgiveness and peace.

 

[di and bob]

There is ALWAYS guilt after the death of one of these precious beings, it is a part of grieving. I also think the doubt would always be there if you continued with these vets, so a new one would be appropriate if you need one in the future. The stress of a vet's visit is a big contributor to elevated kidney levels, so I think that is what your vets were saying when they stated no further treatment was necessary, they wanted to see if they would drop, and they did. I think the FIV was involved in the continuing decline. My cats have Felv, leukemia, so I know the heartache with these diseases, conditions can deteriorate quickly with no notice. I truly believe it was his time, possibly brought on by the stress of losing his brother, you did what you could and were in no way responsible. You wouldn't blame his innocent brother for this, so please don't blame yourself either. In order to be guilty of something you must have intent, and the only intent you had was his wellbeing......
Grieving has no instructions, it is what it is. There are no timelines, it is different for every single person. It is, after all, YOUR love, it is YOUR soul that is joined with his, and not one of us can experience what your love was, what your grieving is. But we have had a loss too, we know what it feels like to lose someone we love, to come home to that empty house. We have stood where you stand now. it is not a place we would wish on anyone. So we can empathize and be witness to the fact that eventually, you will find the strength through those boys' love to live again. I know your world has stood still, that your mind will dwell on your grief until it is all you can think about. That the pain is so bad it takes your breath away and brings you to your knees. But we survived and so will you. You can lean on us, draw strength through those who love you, and get through the next minute, the next hour, the next day. Remember to breathe.
Try to remember the happy memories, not the sad, and all those could haves, should haves. The past is set in stone, right now you must live in the present, and find hope for the future. Your boys are at peace, you gave them what they wanted most in this world, a home, and your heart. You did this despite knowing they were FIV positive, you only wanted to love them. You gave them their world. They love you so much they would never want you to be so sad because of them, go forward into your future and find the happiness in life that you would have wanted for them if you were the first to go. That is love, the giving of your heart without expecting anything in return. They are safe and will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers, love is spiritual, so eternal. NOTHING can take it from you, it is a part of your very soul.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sometimes it helps to do a little something that makes you feel better about yourself. Make a small donation or bring cat food and litter to your local humane society, there are so many there in need of knowing someone cares. Do it in your boy's names. And maybe, in the future, you will open your heart to another little one who so desperately needs it. It helps to add another little love next to the ones already in your heart. Never replacing, but helping the love already there to grow and blossom. Take care.......RIP sweet Nite. You have joined your precious brother, who you loved so very much, and will be dearly missed. You both will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[les26]

I am so sorry for both of your losses, you took them in and gave them 4 wonderful years and they are thankful for that time, but yes it is always so so tough when they pass, and in this case especially because of all of the doubt and wonder that you have but that is the grief that has ahold of you now and can and will play MANY head games with you for awhile, but as time passes you will come to realize that you did the best with what you had to work with at the time, you trusted these vets as you thought that was correct, and I don't take much stock in blood tests, I have had several that their blood tests were "fine" yet still passed soon after from something that it missed. But you did what you thought was correct, even if you would've pushed them into doing what you wanted they still may have passed, it is a moot point, but you did your best with what you had and were told at the time. The cats don't forgive you because there is nothing to forgive, you did nothing wrong, you cared for them the best that you could, and had you not taken them in 4 years ago they might not have had a good life. They are together again playing and having fun and fine, just fine, and when you meet again one day it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am sorry for your losses. Holy Basil helps you deal with the stress, and Ignatia Amara is for acute grief and loss, both natural products that you can Google and check out, they helped me many times after cat losses.

And I probably would change vets, this will not be a good situation if you went back there again I feel. I know that I blamed a local vet who gave Sebastian a second antibiotic shot only a few days after he got the first one, the shot is supposed to last for 2 weeks but this one gave him a second one saying "sometimes they need a second one". I told the head vet there about it, he apologized and said he was going to speak with her and was not happy about it; I never said anything to her as it wouldn't bring him back, and maybe that didn't kill him but I'll never know, but I'll never go back there again that's for sure.

I am sorry for the losses, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless....

 

[KelCat]

Emelyssa-- Hello, I'm writing to you years after this happened but something I think there are bigger things at work in the Universe. Let me explain--

Today I googled "how can I forgive myself in my cat's death?" and your post came up. After I read it, I kind of gasped with all the synchronicity and how similar our stories are.

My cat, Night Night, died last Saturday, November 2nd and it happened so quickly that I have been feeling incredibly guilty asking myself if did something to cause it--she's indoors but I worried she got into something. But as I read your post, I saw exactly what happened to my cat in the story of your cat.

All of a sudden, I noticed my cat was a little thing (on a Sunday afternoon) and by the next Saturday, she was gone. It was that fast.

I don't think the kidney diet wouldn't have helped much. From everyone I've talked to, there is the slow moving kind and the quick moving kind (I've mostly talked with folks that had cats with the fast-moving kind), what you experienced is kind of how it works with many cats--it did with mine (we were also told she inflamed gums and needed to have 2 teeth extracted--then the next day, we found out it was end-stage kidney disease!) It happens fast and it's DEVASTING as you know.

Here's the thing with your cat--YOU are not a vet and I would have done exactly the same thing as you. You did what you thought was best based on medical guidance. THAT is not on you. And the other thing to remember is that you saved Nite, gave him a better life and your love for his is obvious and that you would do ANYTHING necessary to help and care for him. You are NOT at fault and I hope you still don't feel as if you are. Also, I hear that cat food is terrible in taste and cats hate it--so you gave him happiness by him not having to eat gross food every day.

I have said--no matter when a cat dies, it's not enough time. We argue with how long we get then we blame ourselves for what we could have done better. But you did the best thing you could have done--you loved Nite hard and well and unconditionally. YOU gave him a better life--please remember that.

Also (and this is weird) I almost feel my cat who just died might have been talking to your cat Nite in cat heaven and brought me here to ensure you still do not feel responsible. You are not. Oh my birthday is January 9 and my cat who passed with the exact same condition is named Night Night. I've included a photo.She also had a bobbed tail.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am currently grieving my cat and cannot imagine feeling better. Your post felt like a huge sign to me.

I hope you now have new cats and are doing as well as possible in this world.

 

[KelCat]

One more thing--I know hospitalization wouldn't have saved him, he was at end-stage kidney failure, just like my cat. From there it's just keeping them comfortable. That's what we were told.

Again, so sorry for your loss. PLEASE do not feel it's your fault.

 

[les26]

Emelyssa-- Hello, I'm writing to you years after this happened but something I think there are bigger things at work in the Universe. Let me explain--

Today I googled "how can I forgive myself in my cat's death?" and your post came up. After I read it, I kind of gasped with all the synchronicity and how similar our stories are.

My cat, Night Night, died last Saturday, November 2nd and it happened so quickly that I have been feeling incredibly guilty asking myself if did something to cause it--she's indoors but I worried she got into something. But as I read your post, I saw exactly what happened to my cat in the story of your cat.

All of a sudden, I noticed my cat was a little thing (on a Sunday afternoon) and by the next Saturday, she was gone. It was that fast.

I don't think the kidney diet wouldn't have helped much. From everyone I've talked to, there is the slow moving kind and the quick moving kind (I've mostly talked with folks that had cats with the fast-moving kind), what you experienced is kind of how it works with many cats--it did with mine (we were also told she inflamed gums and needed to have 2 teeth extracted--then the next day, we found out it was end-stage kidney disease!) It happens fast and it's DEVASTING as you know.

Here's the thing with your cat--YOU are not a vet and I would have done exactly the same thing as you. You did what you thought was best based on medical guidance. THAT is not on you. And the other thing to remember is that you saved Nite, gave him a better life and your love for his is obvious and that you would do ANYTHING necessary to help and care for him. You are NOT at fault and I hope you still don't feel as if you are. Also, I hear that cat food is terrible in taste and cats hate it--so you gave him happiness by him not having to eat gross food every day.

I have said--no matter when a cat dies, it's not enough time. We argue with how long we get then we blame ourselves for what we could have done better. But you did the best thing you could have done--you loved Nite hard and well and unconditionally. YOU gave him a better life--please remember that.

Also (and this is weird) I almost feel my cat who just died might have been talking to your cat Nite in cat heaven and brought me here to ensure you still do not feel responsible. You are not. Oh my birthday is January 9 and my cat who passed with the exact same condition is named Night Night. I've included a photo.She also had a bobbed tail.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am currently grieving my cat and cannot imagine feeling better. Your post felt like a huge sign to me.

I hope you now have new cats and are doing as well as possible in this world.

I am so sorry for your loss. The cat in your picture looked like a male cat we had named Sebastian, he had a big bushy tail though. If you combine him with a short haired tuxedo cat like our Simon you get Sylvester, the little guy in my picture, a purrfect blend of the two boys that have passed years ago...

It was nice of you to respond here, hopefully your words helped someone...

 

[di and bob]

Dear K KelCat , you will be blessed for your kindness. Trying to give comfort to someone else grieving helps to bring comfort to ourselves. Once again thank you and may God bless you….,

 

[Stormy accepts you]

Honey, it’s NOT your fault. Your cats never blamed you. They never stopped trusting that you were doing your very best. The vet is human, but should’ve still listened to your concerns. But, at the end of the day, you did your best and gave them love. That’s what’s important. Stormy and I are proud. You did good. They’re looking after YOU now. And Kelcat, we’re here for you too, darling.

 

[zed xyzed]

I am so sorry, the loss is crushing and sadly the guilt amplifies the pain. If you had known you would have done things differently. Your boy know how much you loved them.

 

[emelyssa]

KelCat, I am so sorry for my much delayed response. Your message meant so much to me. Your Night Night looks like my Nite and Fright Nite combined. I am so sorry you lost your sweet friend. Cats are so magical, and they can never be in our lives long enough, but they are always in our hearts. Your heart is broken, but I promise it will mend. I can't tell you how long, but you will love more cats and they will light up your world. I grieved very hard for my Fright Nite and Nite, who were so young, so wonderful, and left me just months apart.

But something special happened. The spring after Nite's death, I had a dream that two feral tabby boys would show up on my porch and that I would love them so much, and that these were the cats I needed to take into my life. I described in detail their markings, colors, everything in writing. My ex-husband who I was still married to at the time thought that was crazy, because we had never seen any tabby ferals in our neighborhood. But would you believe it- two weeks after my dream, they showed up! I trapped them, tamed them, and now honor Nite and Fright Nite's memory through my relationship with these cats. I do believe they sent them to me, in particular, Fright Nite, who was always very sympathetic towards other animals.

Brax and Drexl were five years wild, but now they are my joyful cuddle cats. Brax has health problems, but he is a fighter. Like Nite and so many other former ferals, he has FIV+. Like Fright Nite, he has HCM. He also has asthma. I almost lost him last April when he went into heart failure. Well, he is no longer in heart failure- impossible, I know, but he conquered it! He doesn't even need heart medication or a prescription diet anymore, just regular echos. He is healthy, happy, playful. We moved to a Victorian house in Michigan, and the climate here is much more agreeable to his asthma than Texas. The cats love playing and chasing each other through the house. They bring me so much joy. Nite and Fright Nite will always be in my heart, but only cats can heal the heartbreak of losing cats! I hope you have a special feline or two in your life again soon.

Love from one cat person to another,
Erin

Drexl

Braxy, otherwise known as HoneyBeans

Emelyssa-- Hello, I'm writing to you years after this happened but something I think there are bigger things at work in the Universe. Let me explain--

Today I googled "how can I forgive myself in my cat's death?" and your post came up. After I read it, I kind of gasped with all the synchronicity and how similar our stories are.

My cat, Night Night, died last Saturday, November 2nd and it happened so quickly that I have been feeling incredibly guilty asking myself if did something to cause it--she's indoors but I worried she got into something. But as I read your post, I saw exactly what happened to my cat in the story of your cat.

All of a sudden, I noticed my cat was a little thing (on a Sunday afternoon) and by the next Saturday, she was gone. It was that fast.

I don't think the kidney diet wouldn't have helped much. From everyone I've talked to, there is the slow moving kind and the quick moving kind (I've mostly talked with folks that had cats with the fast-moving kind), what you experienced is kind of how it works with many cats--it did with mine (we were also told she inflamed gums and needed to have 2 teeth extracted--then the next day, we found out it was end-stage kidney disease!) It happens fast and it's DEVASTING as you know.

Here's the thing with your cat--YOU are not a vet and I would have done exactly the same thing as you. You did what you thought was best based on medical guidance. THAT is not on you. And the other thing to remember is that you saved Nite, gave him a better life and your love for his is obvious and that you would do ANYTHING necessary to help and care for him. You are NOT at fault and I hope you still don't feel as if you are. Also, I hear that cat food is terrible in taste and cats hate it--so you gave him happiness by him not having to eat gross food every day.

I have said--no matter when a cat dies, it's not enough time. We argue with how long we get then we blame ourselves for what we could have done better. But you did the best thing you could have done--you loved Nite hard and well and unconditionally. YOU gave him a better life--please remember that.

Also (and this is weird) I almost feel my cat who just died might have been talking to your cat Nite in cat heaven and brought me here to ensure you still do not feel responsible. You are not. Oh my birthday is January 9 and my cat who passed with the exact same condition is named Night Night. I've included a photo.She also had a bobbed tail.

I am so sorry for your loss. I am currently grieving my cat and cannot imagine feeling better. Your post felt like a huge sign to me.

I hope you now have new cats and are doing as well as possible in this world.

KelKat

 

[riki]

My beautiful cat Nite passed away on January 9. All I can think about is that if I had followed my gut instead of my vet's bad advice, he might still be here. I am having so much trouble with guilt emotions on top of the greatest loss in my life so far. Here is what happened:

Four years ago, I rescued two feral cats, my lovely Nite and Fright Nite. I worked with them a long time and tamed them and then I brought them into my home. They were both FIV Positive.

This September, Fright Nite (only six years old) died suddenly due to an undiagnosed heart issue called HCIM (there were absolutely no symptoms) so I took his brother Nite in for bloodwork to make sure he didn't have this issue, too. There was no evidence of any heart issue, but his kidney levels were suspicious and I was told he might be in stage 1 of kidney disease. They did a urinalysis the next day and it was normal, so the doctor said not to worry about changing diets right now, but just to repeat bloodwork in four weeks. The bloodwork four weeks later came back normal. They should have had me do the kidney diet anyway! I asked, if this was your kitty, would you do it? And I was told no, not to worry about it.

Then I brought him in a couple months later with an eye infection and the vet said he had bad teeth. BUT that she couldn't take a close enough look. He had dental cleaning a couple years ago and he's been on dental treats since. I asked, should I schedule him for dental cleaning? She said not to bother because it will just immediately get bad again.

I noticed that he had stopped being such a playful cat, though otherwise his behavior was normal. I thought he was grieving for Fright Nite. But then I noticed he started losing weight so I brought him back in for new bloodwork in the beginning of January. It turned out he had a serious dental issue and needed a tooth removed. The doctor said he must be in a lot of pain based on the issue. But his bloodwork results the next day showed that he was in stage 2 kidney disease. And this never would have happened (maybe) if he was on the kidney food to begin with. They gave him sub fluids and medications. I wanted him hospitalized; the vet strongly recommended against it and said he would be better off at home. That weekend he declined. They wouldn't take my concerns seriously and acted like I was crazy. I brought him back in and she examined him and gave him more fluids and still recommended strongly against hospitalization. She said, you have to trust me and follow my guidance. The next day he declined and declined and declined. I took him to the emergency hospital and he went into cardiac arrest and died very soon after he got there. At the time that I brought him in, he was severely dehydrated (despite the sub q fluids the day before), he was very cold and had low blood pressure. He was in shock. The ER vet was telling me they most likely couldn't save him and then he coded, right then.

My cat was FIV positive. My primary vet knew that and should have taken any concerns with his health more seriously. They should have recommended and prescribed the kidney diet the first sign of any issue and not led me to think, no big deal. And later, she should have done an ultrasound and x-ray to see more about what was going on, and she should have supported and recommended hospitalization. I don't want to blame her, but she failed me and maybe he would have died no matter what, but now I'll never know. I don't want to blame her and I have to forgive her, but the more I think about it I don't feel like I can trust anyone at that office again.

I am feeling very angry with myself for following the advice of the vet instead of trusting my instincts. It is awful to lose both of my six year old boys just months apart. Nite might still be here if not for all of this.

View attachment 408107

I feel like a monster for not insisting on the kidney diet back in October, for not insisting on the dental work in December, and for not hospitalizing him when I really thought it was the right thing to do. Life without Fright Nite was already bad, but life without Nite is empty. This pain is the worst. Thanks for reading, and for any advice or words you would care to share.

I know that loss is one of our hardest things that we have to live with in this life! I am so terribly sorry for your loss of fright night and especially night. Sorry if I didn't spell it right. For giving others is hard but even harder to forgive ourselves. Every problem I've ever had in my life was because I didn't listen to my guts my instinct as you say. Next time you will listen to your own advice your own common sense of what needs to be done for your next cat. I really think you should go get another feline. The two that I have God gave them to me and I didn't ask for a cat I didn't want I just didn't. I had five feral kittens 2 years ago and the good Lord helped get them adopted. But then this little kitty that was running around here I thought it was a boy she showed up with three half growing kittens. She lives outside I'm still feeding her. Now I have her daughter sweet pea. I'm absolutely in love with. And then her brother didn't get adopted at the shelter but the other sister did. His name is cupcake. Cupcakes heart was broken because his sister left behind. But then he caught some kind of cold in the shelter. It was by the grace of God I got him back I swear it was an accident. I put him on antibiotics that were actually mine from last March. I prayed and I felt the other morning that God wanted me to stop giving him the antibiotics so I did. I started the second guess myself. But with age I've learned not to do that. These two kittens have brought me so much love and joy! Just like your night and you're Fright Night. I wish you the best I really think you should go get a kitten from the shelter or a half grown one or an older one that no one will ever adopt that you can love.. and it will love you back!

 

[nurseangel]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. And I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better; to take the guilt away. As everyone else said, it's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself. You were an absolute blessing to these cats. You gave them shelter, food, vet care, and above all, love. We can't always predict what will happen in a certain situation. You are a wonderful person. I don't even know you, but I know this for a fact. I only wish you could see yourself through my eyes.