Help From Those Who Understand

[Kal_shadowsmom]

Hi everyone,

I am brand new to posting on the forums, but I have been reading posts for some time.(usually to get insight into the weird things my Shadow does)

I had a bit of a problem tonight and needed to voice my frustration, and hurt feelings.

My father, who lives with me, said something incredibly hurtful tonight about my cat, Shadow.
Some backstory:
Over the last few months I have been making a lot of changes in the household. My cat seems to be allergic to something and I am working with the vet to narrow down the cause. I have changed her food, her water bowl, some of the cleaning products for the house and her litter. Recently, I found out she's been licking a lot on her backside and the bottom of her legs, which has caused some redness and irritation. Back to the vet next week.
My father pointed out the irritation to me tonight and I told him I knew about it and I was taking her back in.
He said to me "maybe you should have her put down."

I was absolutely floored. I ended up telling him that what he said is by far the cruelest thing he has ever said to me, and that I wasn't talking to him the rest of the night.

Before he went to bed he apologized for hurting my feelings. I told him that she's got a skin condition, it's not like she's suffering a lingering death.

I just don't understand. He saw what kind of mess I was after my last cat died. I couldn't function for a week. What makes him think that Shadow is any less important to me. I raised her from a kitten. I was keeping her, her mother and siblings in my laundry room over winter when they were still too young to wean. I held her when she was just weeks old.
How could I do anything less than everything in my power, to keep her healthy and happy.

He's never been a great lover of cats, but he knows how happy that furry little idiot makes me.

I just don't know how to feel about this. I never did accept his apology. And I'm here at damn near 4am, unable to sleep because I'm still upset.

If anyone can offer up some insight, it would be great.
I included a picture of Shadow in the bathtub. It's one of her favorite spots.

 

[Kieka]

Some people just don't understand what our cats mean to us. It isn't a failing on their side or a purposeful slight; they just don't understand. They don't have that same connection and it just doesn't click that our cats are more then just property or a hobby. They are family and we would do anything for them. Try to accept that it wasn't said to hurt you but out of ignorance. A different world view, a different upbringing, a different place then where you are now.

As a comparison, my Uncle put down his dog two years ago when its leg was injured after being hit by a car; the leg would have needed to be amputated. He loved that dog and couldn't see it living a full life on three legs. When I heard all I could do was comfort my Uncle and assure him he made the right choice. I don't truly think that; I know a three legged dog (or cat) will live just as full of a life. But my Uncle comes from a different time and the way he was raised you put an animal down who is in pain because it is the humane choice. You and I know that we'd have the leg amputated and give medications for the rest of the dogs life, if needed. We know the dog would still have a full life, but my Uncle didn't because he was raised on a farm and when the animal isn't whole they can't do their job and won't be happy even if his dog now didn't have a "job". Different view, while we might knee-jerk that its wrong my Uncle didn't make his choice lightly or without hardship. He just didn't see a different choice.

I have a feeling that the comment came from the same place. Don't take it as callus. Take it as what was best before and honestly trying to help you because your father doesn't see it the same way or from the same life experiences. I am sure your father cares about the cat in his own way. Once you explained it to him and he saw how much the statement hurt you he probably won't approach it the same way again.

We learn constantly through our lifetimes, even our parents. Accept that what he said was from the right place even if the words were wrong.

 

[KarenKat]

So sorry Kal_shadowsmom that your father didn't understand last night. Kieka had great insights, and I think there is a huge difference in generations when it comes for care for animals (especially cats, who seem to pride themselves on being inscrutable). I too would be very upset, not only does it seem he suggesting that Shadow should be put down, but that by not doing so you are somehow failing in your guardianship. Know this is not the case, you are obviously working hard on his allergies and are attentive and caring. It's love.

For what it's worth, I think he is willing to see it from your perspective by apologizing. He probably also worrying about you getting upset if you can't fix him, and spending time and energy on his care. Maybe you can talk to him after some of the anger fades, see if he can view things from your perspective.

Also Shadow is beautiful! Such lovely eyes.

 

[Mer.kitten]

Kieka had a lot of good stuff to say. Some people just think differently. When i was a kid we lived in the country and all our cats were allowed to roam free, as were most other peoples. It was seen as genuinely cruel to have a cat and keep it lockedCV in the house-its an animal, it needs to breathe fresh air and run in the woods. And i still think theres merit to that argument, but things change, and in many places its just too dangerouscto let your cat roam. But if my Grandma was alive i know shed question me keeping a cat in a small apartment.

So keep keep in mind it may have been coming frok m a good place. If thats the case, try notvto let it bother you too much.

But bc humans are flawed, he also may have meant why are you going to so much trouble, its just a cat. In that case you just have to accept that animals dont mean to him what they do to you. You cant change someone. You could sit him down, talk to him, tell him what he said really hurt you and try to get to the bottom of it... or you can just let it go. Up to you. But i completely understand your feelings-if someone suggested that to me about Honeybunny i'd be pissed.

 

[Kal_shadowsmom]

Thank you all for your responses.

Kieka your insight made a whole lot of sense. My dad comes from a similar upbringing. I know he cares about Shadow, in his own way. It was just so hard hearing those words come out of his mouth.

After I got some sleep, I was a bit more rational, and not a mess. I read your responses this morning. I am talking to him, and we are right back to the usual.

I just hope we never have to have that conversation again.

 

[Bella’s mom]

Some people are just like that, I think they say before they think! I have 4 cats, 1 is a diabetic, 1 is a hyperthyroid cat, 1 has irritable bowel and the oldest is just fine, my family will say, when is enough, enough? I makes me so mad and hurts my feelings so bad, both of those are fixable with some meds, do I go broke monthly from it, yes! But I manage.
I just don’t talk much to them about it anymore, that way I don’t get my feelings hurt, I told my mother that I felt sorry for her if that’s the way she feels.
Hubby said the other day after yet another vet visit when are u gonna stop, you drive yourself crazy, your nerves are shot and we are broke all the time, well I thought I was gonna have a full blown stroke, I was so mad, told him when I couldn’t do anymore or they were suffering, told him if he had a problem with it don’t let the door hit him on the way out, all of us momma beans have enough on our plates with our sick kitties we sure don’t need the opinions of people who say hurtful stuff.

 

[DreamerRose]

I agree very much with Kieka. The way we take care of our pets has changed dramatically from my parents' generation. My mother kept our cats out of the house most of the time although we lived in a very congested suburban location. Most of them were run over by cars within a year or two. Veterinary medicine has changed and improved, too. Mother never took a single cat of ours to the vet except to put them to sleep. Growing up, I thought that was all vets do. Our neighbor put her cat down because she had hairballs. Hairballs! I shudder when I think back to those days. So I hope you can forgive your dad; he comes from a different place.