Help for surviving member of bonded pair

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coffee grinder

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My 97 year old MIL took in & socialized two male ferals about 10 years ago. They were very bonded (sleeping together, grooming each other). Two months ago the more outgoing one passed away from cancer. He died at the vet's office. The remaining cat, Lilly (he's a male despite the name), was always anxious and shy. Now he's extremely anxious. He's glued to my MIL & doesn't want her to leave the house. He used to hide from visitors but now he's always out & about. He even lets strangers pet him. He's been urinating in various parts of the house. He keeps his tail down all the time & he paces. We put a Feliway diffuser in the room where he spends a lot of time but it hasn't helped. We've tried Dr Elsey's additive in his 4 litter boxes & I'm going to switch out his normal litter for Dr Elsey's tomorrow. Obviously we need to get him to the vet but it's a process & will take time for him to trust me enough to get him into a carrier. Does anyone have any advice about helping him in the meantime? He's been eating okay, no issue there. Appreciate any advice.
 

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Hi. Aside from the peeing issue, which does need to be checked out by a vet, let him grieve as he wants/needs to. He is asking for extra attention, so give it to him. It is good that he is eating OK - at least one hurdle you don't have to worry about. In the meantime, you could put puppy pee pads down and see if he will use those, just to help with clean up. If he has ever shown any interest in music, you can try to play that for him. There are music options for cats on the internet, youtube, spotify, just to name the most common ones. They are considered to be calming for cats.
I don't know if this article will help any, but just in case.
Do Cats Mourn? Supporting Your Pet through Loss - TheCatSite
 

Kris107

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What about a heated cat bed? Sometimes a warm place to go, especially as they age, can provide comfort. Does he enjoy anything in particular? Usually cats have a motivation - food, play, outside, games, grooming, etc. Whatever it may be, try to do that to make his life enjoyable.
 

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My 97 year old MIL took in & socialized two male ferals about 10 years ago. They were very bonded (sleeping together, grooming each other). Two months ago the more outgoing one passed away from cancer. He died at the vet's office. The remaining cat, Lilly (he's a male despite the name), was always anxious and shy. Now he's extremely anxious. He's glued to my MIL & doesn't want her to leave the house. He used to hide from visitors but now he's always out & about. He even lets strangers pet him. He's been urinating in various parts of the house. He keeps his tail down all the time & he paces. We put a Feliway diffuser in the room where he spends a lot of time but it hasn't helped. We've tried Dr Elsey's additive in his 4 litter boxes & I'm going to switch out his normal litter for Dr Elsey's tomorrow. Obviously we need to get him to the vet but it's a process & will take time for him to trust me enough to get him into a carrier. Does anyone have any advice about helping him in the meantime? He's been eating okay, no issue there. Appreciate any advice.
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear of your kitty's passing and the stress the other is going through.
I am a total newbie here, so I'm sure you will get great advice from all the regular and experienced pet parents soon.
But for me, when something like this happens- a separation.... The scent of the absent person or pet helps. For example: if you have a old item ,toy,blanket, sock,shoe that the absent(deceased) kitty has ,and it wasn't washed...that kitty's scent may be on it still, and placed near the remaining kitty would help it calm down some. That helped with a friend's dog,the owner passed ( my friends hubby passed) and the only thing that helped the pup stop grieving him was a old T-shirt that had the man's scent on it .
Perhaps when your MI L has to leave,you can leave something with your MIL scent on it with the kitty? A scarf. .sock ..
When I had to leave my newborn kitten alone, I rubbed a bandana on my arms to get my scent on it and covered him with it. He never noticed I was gone .
And it may help.
I hope I explain things to where it is understand able.
I hope this helps.
 

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My 97 year old MIL took in & socialized two male ferals about 10 years ago. They were very bonded (sleeping together, grooming each other). Two months ago the more outgoing one passed away from cancer. He died at the vet's office. The remaining cat, Lilly (he's a male despite the name), was always anxious and shy. Now he's extremely anxious. He's glued to my MIL & doesn't want her to leave the house. He used to hide from visitors but now he's always out & about. He even lets strangers pet him. He's been urinating in various parts of the house. He keeps his tail down all the time & he paces. We put a Feliway diffuser in the room where he spends a lot of time but it hasn't helped. We've tried Dr Elsey's additive in his 4 litter boxes & I'm going to switch out his normal litter for Dr Elsey's tomorrow. Obviously we need to get him to the vet but it's a process & will take time for him to trust me enough to get him into a carrier. Does anyone have any advice about helping him in the meantime? He's been eating okay, no issue there. Appreciate any advice.
I think all the suggestions here are good. He misses his bff, I would give him lots of tlc etc. hugs, pets, treats etc. tell him what a good boy he is and you are here for him etc. For the urinary issued, wee pads everywhere and straight to the dvm to get assessed. It might help him to get another friend eventually to get over his grief if that is possible.
 
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coffee grinder

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Thank you everyone for your excellent advice! I really appreciate it. I have an appointment for him on 10/22 with our vet who is marvelous with special needs cats. I got to spend some time with him today. He eats his canned food just fine but is otherwise in sad shape. He stopped grooming himself, walks in circles and seems to be in a daze. He calmed down when I cuddled him, brushed him, played YouTube music for cats (thanks for that advice) and gave him lots of love. I'm leaning toward bringing him to live at my house in a quiet, cat safe room until his vet appointment. I can keep a close eye on him, give him constant attention & get him to the emergency vet hospital 5 minutes away if necessary. My MIL agreed he may better off with me. She's pretty frail & can barely take care of herself. I would of course take his bedding, things that smell like her & other items that will be familiar to him. I wonder if he would be able to sense my two cats (who will be kept completely separate from Lilly) and feel comforted by their distant presence? One of my cats is his sister but they've been separated for many years. I hate to introduce more stress but I think he needs more care than my MIL can provide. Thoughts on moving him to my house? 20241010_140243.jpg
 

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I don't know - I kind of have mixed emotions about this. First off, he is attached to your MIL, especially after having lost his buddy, and we don't know if he is having some kind of urinary health issue, and/or some other medical condition, from what you are describing. So, a full scale exam with blood work and urinalysis sounds like it is needed.

Now, you are thinking about taking him to a new home, with other cats. I am sure he will be somewhat aware that there are other cats around, but I have no idea if that is going to be of any comfort considering all the other changes he will have to go through. I guess if he were my cat, I'd wait for the vet appt and see what happens with that, and in the meantime do what you can to help out your MIL in taking care of him.

Maybe others will feel differently about it.
 

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I agree about not taking him to your house. He and your mother-in-law are still bonded and it gives her something to do to take care of him. If she needs it maybe you or someone else can go over there sometimes to help her out.

I would let him get his check up and see what’s going on.
I think it would be too much for him and he’s already been through enough. Also not good for your mil to lose both her cats etc.

He is a beauty 😀
 
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coffee grinder

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Thanks, I'm really torn about taking him to my house. I know the additional stress will be bad. He will have to come live with us at some point due to MIL's age & health. I think you guys are right though to wait for the vet appointment & address any physical health issues. I'll also ask the vet about possible anti-anxiety meds to help him cope with the stress when we do move him. Thanks for all your help!
 

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Thank you everyone for your excellent advice! I really appreciate it. I have an appointment for him on 10/22 with our vet who is marvelous with special needs cats. I got to spend some time with him today. He eats his canned food just fine but is otherwise in sad shape. He stopped grooming himself, walks in circles and seems to be in a daze. He calmed down when I cuddled him, brushed him, played YouTube music for cats (thanks for that advice) and gave him lots of love. I'm leaning toward bringing him to live at my house in a quiet, cat safe room until his vet appointment. I can keep a close eye on him, give him constant attention & get him to the emergency vet hospital 5 minutes away if necessary. My MIL agreed he may better off with me. She's pretty frail & can barely take care of herself. I would of course take his bedding, things that smell like her & other items that will be familiar to him. I wonder if he would be able to sense my two cats (who will be kept completely separate from Lilly) and feel comforted by their distant presence? One of my cats is his sister but they've been separated for many years. I hate to introduce more stress but I think he needs more care than my MIL can provide. Thoughts on moving him to my house?View attachment 486288
I think it's a great idea if he has high needs and your MIL can't care for him. Eventually, you may be able to introduce him to yours.

I think it's best not to wait until he needs even more care or until your MIL's ability to care goes down. Plus if he's that clingy I worry about her tripping g over him.
 
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coffee grinder

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I think it's a great idea if he has high needs and your MIL can't care for him. Eventually, you may be able to introduce him to yours.

I think it's best not to wait until he needs even more care or until your MIL's ability to care goes down. Plus if he's that clingy I worry about her tripping g over him.
Thanks, that's exactly why I'm so torn. It turns out that one my cats (not Lilly's sister) may have a nasal tumor so I'm going to wait on bringing Lilly to my house. I'll focus on getting both cats the proper medical attention & then decide where it's is best for Lilly to live. Between geriatric mothers & geriatric cats, it's been a crazy week!
 

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Thanks, that's exactly why I'm so torn. It turns out that one my cats (not Lilly's sister) may have a nasal tumor so I'm going to wait on bringing Lilly to my house. I'll focus on getting both cats the proper medical attention & then decide where it's is best for Lilly to live. Between geriatric mothers & geriatric cats, it's been a crazy week!
When you're carer for multiple geriatric family members sometimes it's just managing a day at a time!
Happy to hear from you more if you want to update us
 

Kwik

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Poor Lilly is suffering separation anxiety,did his brother pass away at home? If not he is looking for him and even more depressed than a grieving cat who believe it or not has more closure- many of us believe most animals know death in some capacity,more so than a sudden absence

Anyway,I'm not thrilled about moving Lilly out of his familiar territory but quite frankly there's a good chance that he may do much better with other cats- indeed any move is stressful but I do think in the present environment surrounded by the scent of his litter mate will keep him pacing and looking for him- which causes great anxiety

Most importantly since your MIL has said he'd be better off with you then he is certainly better off with you- no doubt she realizes, at her blessed age, she cannot possibly provide the care and attention Lilly needs now more than ever- oh how I just want to hug this selfless woman because thats LOVE.....

As I mentioned,I'm not thrilled about moving him to an unfamiliar environment with an unfamiliar person BUT I see no better alternative,I think you are the perfect solution to help Lilly through this- that's my thoughts ....

God Bless you for stepping up to the plate( btw,if it were me I'd do it asap) Please keep us posted on his Vet exam ❤
 
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Sad update on Lilly - we were able to get him into the vet early and he had a brain tumor. So with the advice of our vet we chose euthanasia. She said he was completely blind and his mentation was impacted. She suspected it was cancer that had spread. He was surrounded by love and kindness as he left us. I like to think he's with his brother now.

My takeaway from this experience (and hopefully this will be useful to others) is to get to the vet quickly when a cat shows behavioral changes. I'm still shocked that he functioned as well as he did given his blindness. Maybe having his brother around helped him to function & mask the signs of his illness. Once his brother was gone, we saw the changes but thought it was grief. So much of his behavior makes sense now that we know his eyesight was compromised. Cats are really experts at hiding weakness so any changes in behavior could be a sign of an underlying physical issue.

Thank's to everyone who gave us advice, encouragement & online hugs. I appreciate how this community is so generous and compassionate.
 

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Sad update on Lilly - we were able to get him into the vet early and he had a brain tumor. So with the advice of our vet we chose euthanasia. She said he was completely blind and his mentation was impacted. She suspected it was cancer that had spread. He was surrounded by love and kindness as he left us. I like to think he's with his brother now.

My takeaway from this experience (and hopefully this will be useful to others) is to get to the vet quickly when a cat shows behavioral changes. I'm still shocked that he functioned as well as he did given his blindness. Maybe having his brother around helped him to function & mask the signs of his illness. Once his brother was gone, we saw the changes but thought it was grief. So much of his behavior makes sense now that we know his eyesight was compromised. Cats are really experts at hiding weakness so any changes in behavior could be a sign of an underlying physical issue.

Thank's to everyone who gave us advice, encouragement & online hugs. I appreciate how this community is so generous and compassionate.
That is terrible, I’m so so sorry for your loss and your mother-in-law’s loss of poor Lily 😿

At least it seems that he did not suffer terribly, and he seems to have managed as you say with all of these things that were going on with him. When his sibling passed I would guess it was kind of like the last straw and things started to deteriorate more probably.

One of my outdoor cats went blind at the end of his life too, and I noticed it right away because his pupils were huge and he was just laying on the patio and not able to do anything. He did not track my finger etc. I noticed that when we got him inside and then I was sure.

He was so weak then that we just carried him inside, and I was trying to save him. They thought it was from high blood pressure and when he was put on the blood pressure med his vision came back, but then he gradually deteriorated and I could tell he wasn’t gonna make it so we let him go. They never even figured out what was wrong with him, so sad. I feel terrible because I wish I had taken him in sooner and maybe we could’ve figured out what was going on before it got so bad. I did a lot of tests on him too.

Run free sweet Lily and watch over your mom 💔🌈🐾💕🐈
 
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Kwik

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Sad update on Lilly - we were able to get him into the vet early and he had a brain tumor. So with the advice of our vet we chose euthanasia. She said he was completely blind and his mentation was impacted. She suspected it was cancer that had spread. He was surrounded by love and kindness as he left us. I like to think he's with his brother now.

My takeaway from this experience (and hopefully this will be useful to others) is to get to the vet quickly when a cat shows behavioral changes. I'm still shocked that he functioned as well as he did given his blindness. Maybe having his brother around helped him to function & mask the signs of his illness. Once his brother was gone, we saw the changes but thought it was grief. So much of his behavior makes sense now that we know his eyesight was compromised. Cats are really experts at hiding weakness so any changes in behavior could be a sign of an underlying physical issue.

Thank's to everyone who gave us advice, encouragement & online hugs. I appreciate how this community is so generous and compassionate.
My Condolences to you and your MIL- how is she doing?I'm so sorry to hear this news- prayers for Peace and Comfort- your poor sweet mother in law to have lost both her boys,she gave them a good life taking them both in when she rescued them 10 yrs ago and at 87 yrs old ,Im sure it wasn't easy ....Bless her heart,please send my condolences and thanks from a fellow cat lover who thinks very highly of her❤

You are a really good daughter in law,a Blessing ..I don't know what's she'd of done without you.....you did what was best for dear Lilly,I'm sure it was difficult for you and no doubt Lilly is grateful to be with his brother

RIP little darlings ❤
 
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