Heart Broken, Lost My Best Friend

Cujo2001

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Two weeks ago I posted about my cat Cujo who was 16 years old & experiencing some concerning health issues. Last week I noticed he started to breath weird, as if he was struggling, so I took him to the vet and had him examined. The vet gave me devastating news that he appeared to be very sick. She believes he had anemia, most likely caused by kidney failure, severe arthritis in his back legs, and was losing his vision and hearing. She was honest with me and told me I could try to give him treatment but there were no guarantees. She also believed he may have have some stomach issues. I was completely heart broken. I had Cujo since I was 11 years old (I'm turning 28 in 2 weeks), we grew up together. He was such an amazing cat, he had a wonderful personality, very loving and affectionate. I couldn't let him suffer, so I had to make the heart breaking decision to put him to sleep.

Looking back, I realize now how sick he really was. During his last few weeks he barely did anything. He was laying all day, and just got up to go to the bathroom or eat/drink. He became distant from me, wouldn't sleep beside me, he was hiding in weird places, etc. It was so heart breaking to see him like that. My head knew it was his time to go, but my heart wasn't ready. I had to work on his last day and I wish so badly that I could have spent it with him. When I took him to the vet I was expecting to have blood work done, and then in a few days find out the results, I didn't know I would lose him that day. I couldn't stop crying for days, I still cry off and on. It's amazing how much he meant to me, he was my baby. I know my heart will heal with time but I miss him terribly. & I know I did the right thing as he was suffering, and in a weird way I feel relieved that he isn't suffering anymore. However, my husband and friends don't understand how much pain I'm in. I literally feel as if a part of me is gone. I needed to reach out to someone who understands the pain, and I figured I could relate to others here. Has anyone else gone through this? Any advice on how to deal with it?

Thank you :redheartpump:
 

madzoya

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It's been almost a year since I let my Zoya go, she was 15 and also suffering very badly.

Unlike you, we fought for a month (exams, treatments) before the final decision, and sometimes I still blame myself for the unecessary pain I inflicted on her, because I was not ready to let her go, when she was already. But I had that time to get used to the idea, and I must admit it helped.

It took a while to let go of the pain and start remembering her as the amazing insain cat she was, and even today, when Bruce misbehaves I still call him by her name sometimes.

Grab on to the idea that you gave him 16 wonderful years and that you were an amazing friend until the end. And it's a part of you that is gone. I can get that. Nothing will be exactly the same. But he is ok now where he is and you will be too.

Someone is always here if you need to talk about it! :hugs:
 

zed xyzed

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Everyone on this site knows how you feel and grieve with you. What you feel is normal, your heart feels the loss of a loved friend. We are here for you. I am so sorry for your loss
 

KittyDolanTREWTH

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I am deeply sorry 4 your loss. Just listen 2 this when u miss your cat, becuz it's tru:lovecat:!!
 

Alejandra Rico

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I am very sorry for you, and now what you are going through. You have lost a member of your family, a friend who loved you each and every momment of your life no matter what. That kind of loss can only be understood by those Who love and are loved this way, which is the reasons why your friends and your husband do not understand. You suffer in the same measure you gave your heart.
I lost my Alice past August. She was young and healthy and crazy and lovely. She was an indoor cat only. My dad let a window opened. Long story short, there was a dog involved.
For so many months, I would be in bed, just about to fall asleep, and my brain would play tricks on me, making me believe that I was hearing her purr or her chirps.
I suppose that it is like losing a hand or a leg: you get used to It, but you never really stop missing what you had.
Best wishes from Spain, I hope you will eventualy get to open your heart again to a new cat. We are all here to support you, and if you need to talk about your feelings, this is the place and we are your people.
 

di and bob

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Your friends and husband don't understand because he was your soulmate. You most likely knew and loved him for longer than you knew any of them. For them it is like reading in the paper someone they knew through friends had died. It was not their heart directly involved. We should all remember what this does to a life and be empathetic towards someone else experiencing it. That is why we try to comfort here at this site. You know now and will comfort others in the future. Your heart knows no difference between species, it just loves. We grieve deeper and longer for these sweet babies because they never have judged us, or hurt us with cruel words, or crushed us in the ways our relationships with humans has done, they just accept us and love us in a simple, uncomplicated way. Deep in our minds we know their life spans aren't as long as ours, and though we would never want them to suffer, when they leave us it still hurts so much it can be overwhelming. You can never prepare your heart for pain such as this. The stages of grief demand we go through all those 'should haves, could haves', all the guilt and all the denial.
You gave that sweet boy 16 years of what he wanted the most, your love. He knew he had it, he used it to comfort himself when he knew he had to go and leave you behind. But he will always be near, the bond you formed is spiritual and can never be taken from you., the new path that he follows will always parallel yours.He would never want you to live on so sad and depressed, he would want you to concentrate on happier times and know he shared your life for a while and will always love you for it. You would not want him to be so sad if you were the first to go, he wants no less for the one he loved above all else. He leaves you a legacy of love, he would be honored if you shared it with another. Like a mother with several children, each love is unique and precious. It never replaces a love, it adds to it.
My herat goes out to you, please know I'll keep you both in my thoughts and prayers, take care.......RIP beautiful Cujo, you will never be forgotten and will always be held dear in a loving heart. Sweet dreams little one, until you meet again!
 

Antonio65

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Everyone here has gone through the same process of grief and pain.
You're right, time will smooth the sharp edges of this pain a bit, but the core of this pain probably will be never removed.
When we take this terrible decision, we feel relieved by the fact that our litlle baby isn't suffering anymore. On the other hand we feel guilty for having taken their life.
I've been there three monts ago, after a battle which lasted several months. During this long time I had to face the idea of taking the hardest decision of my life many times, because my sweet cat seemed to go down every second week. Every time it was like a knife going straight through my heart, every time it wasn't her time, until the end of March.
Having gone through it many times didn't help me get stronger and used to the idea.
I have no advice for you on how to deal with it, because everyone has a different personality and beliefs.
There are days when it seems to me it happened yesterday and I cry. There are days when everything is softer and easier to bear.
Today is a bad day for me...
I come and read this section every day. And I cry at every story. I don't know if this is good for me, because I relive my story at everyone else's story, but I think I need it, I need to suffer and take a bit of others' sufference and pain. Probbaly it won't help me at all, but I do hope to help others take a lighter burden on their shoulders.
All I can say is that 17 years together is a long length of time, just as I did with my sweet Lola. They will be together now, in the senior cats section of the park at the rainbow bridge. I am sure the sun is always shining there and no pain or discomfort is welcome up there.
RIP Cujo!
 
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Cujo2001

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Thank you everyone for your replies, it is greatly appreciated :redheartpump: I still cry every day, but I know in my heart I did the right thing. We adopted a new fur baby last week, he is also a mainecoon (Cujo was a mainecoon mix). He is the sweetest thing, he loves to be loved and follows me everywhere I go. Our new baby's name is Merle, & seeing how full of life & energy he is really makes me realize how sick my Cujo was. He had nothing left in him, & if I had it my way he would have never gotten sick & lived forever, but unfortunately we cannot fight time. Cujo's ashes came in today, & I will be picking them up after work. I'm sure I will ball my eyes out. Alpha Cat you are right, there are good and bad days. I will miss him everyday for the rest of my life, but I know he is resting peacefully & no longer suffering.
 

meelasmom

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Cujo, you may find yourself crying at times when you least expect it. You miss your best friend! It will be hard, there is no getting around that. But I find myself trying to convince myself that when I lost my Meela, it was because GOD had a special plan for her and my time was up. My story is different from yours because Meela was only 10 months. I hate what I did and regret it. I will never feel my part in letting my cat go was a good or needed decision. I acted out of fear and had put my faith in her getting better in the vets, which I also regret. I still cry when I think about her and go to her grave. The first words out of my mouth are "I am so sorry", then, "I miss you so much" followed by a boatload of flowing tears. I know I can't change things and she is gone.

Someone used the word "cope" in a different post. That's exactly what we do. We cope with them not being here. I still struggle, but as bad as the pain is, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. So that is something. I am sending hugs to you because a loss is a loss, no matter the age. I am envious of all the people who get to have their babies longer than I had my Meela. You had some good years with him. You need to try to hang on to all those special memories..especially the ones that bring a smile to your face.
 
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